Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘Hey, baby,’ Ben walks up to me and clinches me into his vast embrace.

  I stay in the comfort of his arms for a while, allowing his strength to warm my body. ‘I love your hugs,’ I hum.

  ‘I love giving them to you, darlin’,’ he nuzzles my hair, and I instantly feel better.

  ‘Thank you for being here,’ I add.

  ‘Nowhere else to be,’ I squeeze him tighter. ‘You want coffee, or you want to get your head down?’

  ‘Sleep,’ I mumble into his toned chest, he chuckles, and it reverberates through my head making me smile.

  ‘Come on, Queenie,’ Ben takes me to the bedroom where I strip off and pull on a t-shirt before dropping directly to my mattress. Ben does the same and brings me into his arms, my head resting on his shoulder, my arms wrapped around his taut middle. ‘Sleep, baby,’ he kisses my hair as I drift rapidly into a deep slumber.

  When I wake, the house is quiet, and Ben has gone from beside me. I glance around disorientated by the grogginess in my head. My eyes locate my phone, and my hand lifts it to see it is almost eleven-thirty. Shit! The kids! I swing my legs out of the bed and pad to the door to go in search.

  Ben is sitting at the breakfast bar, his laptop in front of him, fully dressed in jeans and a navy t-shirt. He glances up, and his gaze warms, ‘there’s sleeping beauty,’ he calls to me. I wander over and straddle him, my front to his on the stool in my shorts and tank PJ’s. His hands automatically curve around my backside and pull me up so that my sex is level with his groin.

  ‘Morning,’ I mumble, kissing him softly on the jaw. ‘Where are the kids?’ I ask, sleepily.

  ‘I took them to school, they were a bit spooked out by the absence of Liddy and Cam, but I explained she wasn’t feeling too good and went for a check-up. Not sure Blake went for it, but Kristen took it in her stride. I said we’d pick them up from school and take them to Henry’s.’

  ‘Bribery?’ I ask, snuggling in the crook of his neck.

  ‘Absolutely,’ his fingers tip up my chin. ‘You okay?’

  I nod, ‘yeah, I just need to call Cam,’ I announce.

  When I call my brother in law, he sounds tired. I offer to swap places with him, but he refuses, telling me he wouldn’t settle at home. I briefly speak to Liddy, who is worried about the children, but I convince her Ben, and I have it under control, she thanks me and asks me to tell them she loves them. As I am saying goodbye, she asks to speak to Ben. I pass the phone over and listen to a one-sided conversation where my sister is apparently thanking him, but it’s for more than taking my niece and nephew to school. When he finally gives the phone over, I say my goodbyes and end the call.

  ‘What was that about?’ I ask, my head cocked to him, the intrigue killing me.

  ‘Nothing for you to worry about,’ he yanks a stray strand of my hair and turns to the coffee maker.

  ‘Ben,’ I call, softly.

  He sighs, ‘I sent a specialist to make sure that the consultants were doing everything that they could. No big deal,’ he says this without looking me in the eye, as he busies himself preparing my cup of coffee. Then, before I can comment, he states, as if to back up his actions, ‘they are my family too.’

  I wrap my arms around his middle from behind, my heart swelling with something that is hard to define. ‘I really like you, Ben Taylor,’ I sigh, I feel his shoulders shake and I know he’s amused. ‘Why are you laughing?’ I run my hands up his chest and back down.

  ‘I should hope you do like me. You let me fuck you almost daily,’ Ben chuckles.

  ‘Yeah well, I kind of like you more than anyone else I let fuck me, so that’s a compliment,’ I tease. I feel his body tense, and before I know it, Ben has swung around and lifted me to the counter opposite with him now standing in between my legs with a look of thunder on his face.

  ‘Baby,’ he says through clenched teeth, my eyes are wide at the speed in which I have been plonked unceremoniously onto the marble countertop. ‘Do me a favour, yeah?’

  ‘What?’ I ask, puzzled by his change of expression.

  ‘Don’t ever speak to me about other men fucking you, yeah?’ He states, coldly.

  ‘What?’ I digest his words and then grin. ‘Careful honey, green’s not your colour,’ I giggle, as I throw back the words he said to me not a couple of weeks ago. He frowns, not in the least bit amused, which only serves to make me even happier. ‘It’s okay, Ben. No one has ever fucked me quite like you,’ I cup his face and kiss him hard and wet,’ as the kiss heated up, his hands cup my backside, and he walks me to my bedroom and for the first time, fucks me in my own bed.

  *******

  Liddy remained in the hospital for three days in the end, while they stabilised her blood count and treated her for an infection. Being a weekend, Ben and I decided to take the kids to his loft, where he had plenty of room for them to stay over, he could do some work and where we had a bit more of privacy in the luxury of a super king-sized bed. They loved it, and Ben made Blake feel like one of the guys as they watched a game on his sixty-inch screen, with a fizzy pop and loads of junk food, while Kristen and I did some baking and painted each other’s nails. I asked Blake if he wanted to help out with the baking, but he gave Ben a look as if to say, 'is she for real?' I guess the alpha in his dad had somehow seeped through my gentle nephew after all.

  Our relationship, which I’d decided to finally accept that it was, however short term, was going from strength to strength the longer we spent in each other’s company. We were friends, that’s how it started out, which is why I believe us being around each other felt so natural. I’m not going to lie that the amazing sex helps and whenever we could, we did, but it was more about being totally at ease when we were in the same room.

  The consultant postponed Liddy’s treatment while she regained her strength, but she had only two sessions left, which meant that my time in Denver was coming to an end. I tried not to dwell on it too much, and Ben never mentioned it at all, but the children asked me often how long I had left before I returned to London. I always replied vaguely and changed the subject with distraction, mainly because every time I thought about it I got a strange ache in my solar plexus.

  I knew I had to go home. My life was waiting for me pretty much just as I left it. My friends and fellow nurses mailed me regularly to update me on any gossip and had recently confirmed that the Sister of the ward had kept my position open and used Bank staff to temporarily fill the gap while I was away rather than replace me. All this meant that I could walk straight back into my job and I knew my flat was ready and waiting as Susie, my friend had been going in to water my plants and deal with my post.

  Half of me was excited at the prospect of returning to my safe, familiar, stable life, but the other half was sad that I would be soon leaving my new friends and family. I didn’t know how things were going to go with Ben on my departure, whether it would be bright and breezy or sad and depressing and I didn’t want to think about how awkward things would be when I came to visit my sister and her family in the future. So, I put it out of my mind and made the most of the time I had left.

  The other loose end that had thankfully been tied up during that weekend that my sister was in the hospital was Tony, the man that had abducted me, had been tracked down in some seedy motel two towns down and had been charged with abduction, assault and conspiracy to extort money. He was currently serving time in a detention centre awaiting trial.

  The cops weren’t looking for anyone else in connection with the attempt on Alexandra Taylor’s life or the blackmail letter sent to Ben. Frank Shailer had confessed to the crime and subsequently, they charged him with various offences that would hopefully put him away for a long time.

  Regardless of the fact that there seemed to be no further threat to either Ben’s mum or me, Ben kept the security detail on both of us. I argued that I didn’t need it, but he insisted he would feel better knowing we were covered just in case anyone else had the idea of targeting those closest to him. T
hat’s perhaps where I should have reminded him that I was leaving soon, I didn’t. I didn’t because things were going so well between us and the thought of upsetting what we were sharing gave me a feeling of dread.

  On the nights that Cam was home, I returned to work at Honour, with my security protection of course, but Ben did leave me alone and not sit in the bar area watching me like a hawk. Instead, he stayed in his office to catch up on work he had missed over the past weeks through all the commotion, although I didn’t doubt he kept an eye on me from the cameras installed in his office. It felt good to get back to normal’ish, after what had been a crazy few weeks. Liddy was doing better and better and was looking forward to the end of her treatment, and Cam started to relax and not jump up every time his wife moved.

  All in all, things were great, which was why it was just a week before Liddy’s final chemo that I finally faced the fact I needed to make arrangements to leave. It was there that Ben found me, in his loft, early one morning, scanning the internet for flights on my laptop.

  ‘What you doing?’ He asked, his voice weirdly surprised as he peered over my shoulder.

  ‘It’s time I booked my flight home,’ I mention casually, hoping with all my heart that this wouldn’t cause any unpleasantness between us. I continue scanning the pages of the screen not wanting to look up and see for myself his expression, but I knew by his silence that he was far from happy.

  ‘You looking at next week?’ He probes, I don’t reply because I know he knows I am since the dates are on the screen he is currently scrutinising.

  ‘Liddy finishes her treatment next week,’ I remind him, instead, ‘I need to return home and get back to my job before I no longer have one.’

  ‘You weren’t going to discuss it with me?’ He asks in a tone that tells me all I need to know, oh yeah, he’s pissed.

  I turn to face him, and his face is blank, his eyes steely grey and the impassive mask he wears for others fixed firmly in place. ‘Honey, we knew this was coming,’ I prompt, softly.

  His eyes penetrate mine for a few seconds before he replies, ‘I didn’t know it would be so soon,’ he admits. I see something flicker across his face that immediately I wonder whether I imagined because it looked distinctly like fear.

  ‘Liddy’s doing well,’ I prompt him, ‘the hospital has kept my job open for me up to now, and I have a flat that I am paying utilities on that has been sitting unoccupied for months. At some point, Ben, I need to go back and reclaim my life.’ My stomach plunges at the shuttered look on his face.

  ‘What if I don’t want you to go back to London?’ He asks, his jaw tightening in preparation of my response.

  I feel a squeezing inside my chest, which is almost painful and robs me of my breath. ‘Ben,’ I stutter, not knowing what to say and being slightly surprised by his reaction, we were only ever destined to be temporary. ‘I was always going home,’ I state, but my voice wobbles with emotion and all the air leaves my lungs. His eyes change as they look at me, the coldness in them melting until he exhales a deep breath and nods, as if in resignation.

  ‘Of course,’ he calls smoothly. ‘Okay, darlin’,’ his fingers move and comb through my curls. ‘Let me know when your flight is and I’ll take you to the airport,’ I watch as he shuts down his features and turns directly away from me without giving me his eyes.

  ‘Ben,’ I call.

  ‘Got some work to do, Queenie,’ he calls, as he continues through the corridor that leads to the bedrooms and his office without a backward glance.

  ‘Fuck!’ I whisper, putting my face in my hands.

  Let’s face it. It was never going to be easy, Ben and I had connected, bonded over various traumatic events in our lives. I initially put it down to neither of us really having anyone to turn to, me not wanting to lay on my sister my own feelings while she was in the middle of such a horrific time, and Ben not having anyone else to turn to. We naturally gravitated towards each other, and without realising it, we had both started to rely on the other. Big mistake. I internally give myself my usual lecture about love being a weakness, and it resonates stronger than ever seeing as it suddenly occurs to me that at some point I have fallen desperately in love with Ben Taylor.

  At the comprehension, I feel nausea rising within my gut. Jesus, the one thing I have kept at bay for all these years, and it crept up on me without me noticing. Yeah, I knew we connected on a physical level, and I guess on an emotional one too, but I presumed that was because of the situations we were facing, Ben with his grief and me my worry of Lydia.

  Over the years I had dated many men, slept with quite a few, but I always managed to keep a fine line between caring for them and loving them, which kept them out of the ‘weakness’ zone. My longest relationship was six months and ended because he wanted to take things to the next level of us moving in together and merging lives completely. I had run for the hills.

  When I met a man that intrigued me, I always warned them that I wasn’t interested in the whole picket fence and two-point-four children running riot. What else could I do?

  ‘Oh god, oh god,’ I begin to chant as I swallow down the bile that has risen to my throat. It’s okay, I tell myself. I will book my flight, spend the next week or ten days making the most of my family before flying home to my steady life. Once I am home things will settle, I will think fondly of Ben and our time together and who knows, maybe when I return we can catch up like adults and even indulge in a roll in the hay, or two.

  Wandering into Ben’s bedroom, I look around and stare at my belongings spread around the various surfaces. I had been practically living with Ben full-time for weeks now without even giving it a thought. How did that happen? Continuing into his attached bathroom, I allow my eyes to drift over the vanity unit that now held my make-up bag and various other toiletry items. But it wasn’t the fact that I was practically living here that scared me, it was the fact that I had done it so naturally without freaking the fuck out that surprised me the most.

  Taking my time in my usual morning routine, I left the flights for another period, a time when I Ben’s expression wasn’t so raw in my memory, and the notion that he was severely unhappy by my decision had dimmed.

  By the time I had dressed and prepared for the day, Ben still hadn’t emerged from his office. I stood by the floor to ceiling windows of his loft and look out into the distance contemplating a life without this great view and incredible sex on demand when I feel him enter the room. All the hairs on my neck alert to his proximity just before his arms slide around my waist and I am pulled back against this full frame.

  ‘What you contemplating?’ His lips move to my ear and nuzzle. It seems he has recovered from the initial shock of my imminent departure.

  I go with honesty, ‘that I am going to miss this view and the sex on tap,’ I tilt my head to his.

  He stills for a brief second before stroking a hand up to cup my breast under my t-shirt but over my lace bra.

  ‘Me too, darlin’, so how about we make the most of the time we have left and took off for a couple of days? Just you, me and a bed, without all the distractions?’ The fingers of one hand pull down my bra and pinch hard on my nipple, and my legs melt as desire shoots between my legs.

  I hum, ‘oh yeah, how about you give me a preview right now?’ My hand moves up to his hair and tugs gently until his mouth touches mine, his blue eyes are as blue as the ocean as his lips hit mine with a ferocity that I know signifies I am in for a hard fuck, my favourite kind.

  ********

  Chapter Seventeen

  I finish my shift, exhausted by the extended hours I have had to endure because of staff shortages caused entirely by the stomach bug that has spread through the entire ward, maybe the whole hospital. How could I not stay and work a double when so many people have stepped in to help out during my absence over the past months.

  I have been home from Denver for six weeks now and still miss Ben and my family incredibly. Nothing seems the same, I have had a few nigh
ts out with the girls, which usually perks me up no matter what day/week I have tolerated, but no, the emptiness consumes me.

  It didn’t help that the few days Ben and I spent away up in the mountains in a cabin, that I later found out was his Pop’s, were the best days of my life, thus far, excluding none. We slept, ate, talked about everything and anything and relaxed knowing that no one knew our whereabouts. I knew Lydia was doing fine, as Cam’s parents flew in from Florida to keep an eye on Blake and Kristen while she experienced the last of her chemo, which left me free to concentrate on Ben and me. Us both knowing we were at the end of our journey seemed to unlock that final piece of each other that we previously kept for ourselves, encouraging an even more profound bond that we already had between us. There were no promises; there had never been, we enjoyed being together and opened up entirely against the knowledge we were going to be on different sides of the world soon enough.

  I would never admit to anyone, including Ben, that what had started out as a physical attraction had slowly resulted in me falling in love with him, no one needed to know that about me, or the fact I was capable. But, I knew that I would never forget how he made me feel physically and emotionally. Ben would never know that he had, without trying, turned into the most significant weakness I would ever have.

  Lydia and Cam had argued that they wanted to take me to the airport, which meant we all went in the end, the kids as well. One good thing was that when the tears cascaded down my face in the departures lounge, they could have been for anyone, they weren’t, they were for everyone, including Ben. Kristen got upset, which made me sadder, and in the end, I wished I’d slunk away into the darkness without having to do this, which goes to prove my theory on love being a weakness.

  I did presume, wrongly, that my entire family being there also meant Ben wouldn’t be able to kiss me hard, long and wet, except he did, leaving my giddy, disorientated and a wobbly mess in front of everyone.

  It hurt like hell leaving them all standing in the foyer, but when I looked back as I went through security Ben was already gone, leaving only my sister and her family waving frantically, Lydia sobbing into Cam’s chest as she held her daughter to her doing just the same.