Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘It wasn’t like that,’ I assure him, although why I’m assuring him, I’m not sure. The truth was that I was becoming emotional and needed for my family not to be witness to my tears.

  ‘I know, one look at you in the hospital last night, and I knew you felt the same. Your mouth says the words, Queenie, but your eyes speak another language.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ I scowl.

  He turns and lifts my chin up to face him, ‘you tell me you don’t want this? Don't you miss my mouth and hands on you? You don’t go to sleep thinking of me, of us and wonder for just a second whether you did the right thing in leaving?’

  I look at him as I debate whether or not to lie, ‘I…’

  ‘Remember, I know you, darlin’, don’t disrespect what we have by lying,’ he kisses the corner of my mouth, gently. ‘Now, I’ll leave this conversation with you to internally battle, which I’m sure you will. I need to eat,’ and that’s it, he drops my chin and glances around. ‘There’s a pub over there, come on woman, your breakfast was an appetiser.’

  I realise as he grabs my hand and walks us towards the pub, he drags me around regularly, and I allow it. I’m like a puppy dog.

  After a somewhat substantial early lunch of roast beef, Ben and I wandered back towards the car. I have to work a night shift later, and I needed to catch a nap before I went, when I informed Ben of this, he told me to take the night off. We then had an argument where I explained that people relied on me and it wasn’t as easy as calling in to request a night off. He then notified me that I looked tired and skinny and he was worried about my welfare. That’s when I exploded and explained that I was single and wasn’t accountable to anyone and if I were so skinny and tired, he wouldn’t want to fuck me later. He took me home and fucked me, before I had my nap and then drove me into work and when I say into work, I mean up to the ward where people gaped when he kissed me briefly, but no less hard with a hint of tongue.

  It wasn’t until all the patients had settled and the observations completed that Pauline approached and demanded an explanation of what was happening between me and, what she described as, the hulk from America. I shared that Ben was a friend of my sister’s husband, and we had indulged in a fling during my time in the US, but I didn’t elaborate on why he was here and what he hoped to achieve by his visit.

  Then I had to ward off two calls from Lydia in Denver, leaving two voicemails demanding that I call and update her on what was going on as she knew Ben was here but didn’t know why either. I text her quickly during my break to say I would call her tomorrow on my day off before turning off my phone.

  I didn’t internally battle Ben’s offer, mainly because I was too busy. But also because I knew I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t go home with him to Denver and lose a part of me, a part I would never get back because he would always own a piece of my heart.

  When I stepped outside of the hospital early the following morning, he was waiting for me. I thank my lucky stars he didn’t wait at the nurse’s station again, but couldn’t stop from giving him a smile as my eyes run over his fine form all fresh and showered after what I imagine was a restful night in my bed alone. When I reach him, he smiles as if he owns the secret to the universe.

  ‘What?’ I ask, intrigued by the grin.

  ‘And there it is,’ he pulls me to him and kisses me too briefly.

  ‘What is?’ I look up into his gorgeousness.

  ‘You, eye fucking me. That’s how I know, Queenie, you can’t help yourself,’ annoying, that’s what he is, annoying but entirely intuitive.

  ‘I’m not eye-fucking you,’ I contest. I was eye-fucking him.

  ‘You are telling me, I put my hands down your pants right now, I won’t find you wet and wanton?’ He teases.

  ‘Don’t be gross,’ I tip my chin in the air, and he chuckles.

  ‘There’s my prim and proper Queenie, she sits on my face, but I can’t ask her if she’s wet for me.’ He opens the door to the Range Rover, and I slip past him giving him a death stare as I climb into the seat. By the time he sits beside me, I am fighting against my grin. He glimpses over to me as we buckle up, I smile, ‘yeah, I’m wet,’ I tell him and watch his face heat.

  ‘Yeah, how wet?’ He asks.

  ‘You’ll never know big boy,’ I make a show of sticking my nose in the air in the direction of the side window.

  He chuckles again, ‘oh, I’ll know, baby, about thirty seconds after we get back to your apartment, I guarantee it,’ he promises, and I know he is true to his word. My stomach tips at the prospect of him fucking me the minute we get home. ‘And now she’s even wetter,’ his arrogance holds no bounds. I give him another death stare, and he puts his foot down, ‘can’t wait, baby, missed you last night.’

  ‘Now he's cute,’ I whisper.

  He grins over at me, ‘Cam’s on the warpath wants to know what’s going on.’

  ‘You tell him?’ I gasp, ‘Liddy’s been calling too.’

  ‘Told him when there was something to know, he’d know, you speak to Liddy?’ He checks.

  ‘No, said I’d call her today. Not sure what to tell her,’ I admit. ‘You know I can’t come home with you, Ben.’

  I continue looking out the front window. I feel him glance over at me in my peripheral vision. ‘Course you can, baby. It’s easy. You have dual citizenship, we get you a flight and go home. Make a life together, have babies, live happily.’

  ‘Have babies!’ I explode, he didn’t mention babies before. I try and push down the hope that is rising in my gut. I never thought I’d be a mum, not wanting to be in a relationship and all, did I even want to be a parent?

  ‘Yeah, I want two. It’s no fun being an only child, lonely existence. We’ll get married beforehand, I’m traditional like that,’ he continues.

  ‘Ben,’ I gasp, ‘what’s going on here?’

  ‘You know what’s going on, you left, I didn’t like it and decided I wanted you in my life permanent,’ he shrugs.

  ‘That’s not something you decide on your own, honey. You want that you have to make sure whoever you are aiming to be involved in this fairy-tale life is on the same page as you are. You know what I feel about attachments and how they make you weak.’ I am trying to be honest with him at the same time as not allowing myself to be caught up at the moment. The truth is he is already a weakness.

  ‘You saying I’m not already that to you?’ He probes as if I haven’t already explained why I can’t be with him permanently.

  ‘What?’ I am confused.

  ‘You saying that you were fine with leaving me in Denver and coming home alone?’ He glances over at me, ‘because I got to call bullshit on that, baby.’

  ‘Yes, no, I’m not,’ I stutter, ‘you’re getting me all muddled.’

  ‘It’s okay, I got time to let you get used to the idea,’ he pledges, as he pulls up outside my flat. ‘Come on baby. I got a pussy to inspect.’

  ‘Don’t be so coarse,’ I huffed, as I climb out of the car.

  ‘You know me talking dirty to you does it for you, stop fighting being you, Sasha, you are adorable as you are,’ he grasps my hand and leads me inside.

  ********

  Chapter Eighteen

  I lie to my sister, but only because she’s like a dog with a bone and won’t leave things alone regarding Ben and me. When I speak to her, I explain that Ben flew over to see a friend, which I knew he had in London, because he told me. I was there when he offered his friend's wife’s legal services to Shauna, to help her nail her ex-husband so that she could live with Kyle in Krystal, so it wasn’t exactly a lie, and while he was passing, he popped in to see me. She, of course, didn’t believe a word of it and demanded to speak to Ben, who was making me breakfast after he had inspected my lady parts intently and before I went to sleep after a hard night shift. I told her she wasn’t speaking to Ben, to which Ben ripped the phone out of my hand and chatted casually to Liddy for a few minutes about her health. Just as I started to relax, he then wen
t on to add that although he would probably be visiting his friend in London, he was here to convince me to come back to Denver with him. Thankfully, he didn’t mention the baby thing, or the marriage thing because she would have needed no encouragement in preparing a wedding, or worse, the baby shower.

  He then insisted he let her go, as I needed to get some sleep as I’d been on a night shift and ended the call abruptly.

  ‘Why?’ I ask as he plated bacon, egg and toast on a plate in front of me.

  ‘Why what?’ Bringing his over he sat beside me and tucked straight into his pile of bacon, sausage, egg and beans. ‘Baby, sorry but your food here, not as good as home,’ he commented.

  ‘Why would you tell Liddy that, you know she’s not going to let it go?’ I scold him.

  ‘It’s happening, Sasha, eat your food and accept it. You need to sleep, we are going out tonight,’ he knew it was my day off.

  ‘We are going out? Where are we going?’ I ask, tucking hungrily into the breakfast, intrigued by where he would take me in London.

  ‘We’re celebrating,’ he announces.

  ‘What are we celebrating, pray tell,’ I tease, ‘or is it the birth of our first child,’ I add, sardonically. ‘Do I need actually to be there?’

  His lips tip, ‘it’s a surprise, but wear something nice.’ I ignore the excitement in my chest and eat heartily at the food that tastes damn fine.

  ********

  The restaurant is stunning, without being overly-posh. Ben and I had discussed in Denver our dislike for pretentious restaurants, both preferring somewhere that had great food in a relaxing environment. The Bay had all of the above in heaps. It wasn’t in the least bit ostentatious, instead, welcoming and striking. Ben had filled me in on the drive over that one of his military friends now owned the eatery, in the centre of Chelsea’s Kings Rd and when he heard that Ben was in the country he’d reserved us the best table in the house.

  I had dressed up, as instructed, in a sleeveless pussy bow mid-thigh floaty dress in midnight blue and my silver strappy heels. I had styled my hair wild, which I knew Ben liked best and applied a liberal amount of make-up. He had worn his dressier jeans and a blue shirt, rolled up to the elbows that made his eyes look even bluer.

  ‘This your English rose?’ Joe asked Ben when we entered the restaurant. Joe was built, like most of Ben’s military pals, with shaved hair and green almond-shaped eyes. He was mouth-watering looking but didn’t compare to Ben. He took my hand and pulled me in to kiss both cheeks in the usual European way.

  ‘Mine, being the word,’ Ben’s arm tightened around my waist as he claimed me back off his sweet friend. He shook hands with Joe with a smile that I knew he wasn’t in the least worried about his friend with his woman.

  ‘You’re punching above your weight, man,’ Joe teased, ‘she’s stunning.’

  ‘I know, and I know,’ Ben responded, his eyes moving over me keenly. He was absolutely not punching above his weight, but I wasn’t about to point that out anytime soon.

  ‘Special occasion?’ Joe grabbed a couple of menus off of the host and guided us to a table to the side of the room.

  ‘Yeah, you could say that,’ Ben replied, letting me go only when Joe pulled out my seat for me.

  ‘Thank you,’ I smiled up at him.

  ‘Pleasure,’ he winked, ‘when you had enough of the hamburger, you come and find the steak, darlin’,’ he teased.

  I giggle, ‘I’ll remember that, thank you, Joe.’

  ‘Never going to happen, man,’ Ben only sat when I did, perfect manners. ‘Sasha’s mine to keep,’ he announces. ‘That’s our celebration,’ his eyes warn me to defy him.

  ‘Congratulations, man!’ Joe pats his friend on the shoulder, ‘fuck me, how you manage that?’

  ‘The power of persuasion,’ Ben smiles over at me.

  I arch an eyebrow at his conceit, before turning directly to Joe, ‘actually Joe, I haven’t agreed to anything,’ I send Ben a death glare and take the outstretch menu from Joe’s hand. I see his shoulders shaking and glance up to see him trying not to laugh aloud.

  ‘You’re fucked, man!’ Joe chuckles. ‘Sasha, now I’m not teasing you here, you ditch this loser you know where to find me, darlin,’ he takes my hand and kisses it softly. ‘Your waiter will be over in a few minutes. I’ll leave you to enjoy your meal, call me up for a beer, fella, before you go back home.’

  ‘Will do, Joe, thanks, man,’ he nods, before glancing down at the menu.

  ‘Will you stop doing that?’ I hiss over to him, as usual, he smiles, ignores me and continues looking at the leather-bound folder in his hand.

  I sigh, it’s pointless.

  The food is outstanding, and Joe sent over an expensive bottle of champagne on the house for us to enjoy. I love champagne, something that Ben learned about me tonight. He also found out how merry I became on it, which in turn even meant he found out how horny it made me, drunk sex with Ben was unbelievable, not sure I’ve mentioned that. Getting up for an early shift after a night out eating good food and drinking expensive champagne, not so good.

  ‘Call in sick,’ Ben mumbles, as I attempt to drag myself out of bed after only a couple of hours sleep. His arms circle me, and he pulls me over his firm body, so I am laying on top of him, staring down into the sleepy blue depths of his eyes.

  ‘I can’t do that,’ I shove at him, to climb off, but it’s no use, it’s like pushing against a brick wall. ‘Anyway, as an employer, you shouldn’t be encouraging that sort of thing.’

  ‘Seeing as you will be leaving the job soon, does it matter?’ He asks, his lips moving to my neck and nibbling softly.

  I moan, lightly as my exhausted body somehow alerts to his touch, ‘who says I’m leaving my job?’

  ‘It’s a long way to commute, baby,’ he purrs, his fingers stroking down my naked spine until he is cupping my backside. I can’t help but push my sex into his growing arousal.

  ‘You also know that my sister, my only living relative, tried for years to get me to up and relocate to the U.S. and I told her the same as I’m telling you now, I’m a Londoner, my life is here, Ben, my friends, my job, my flat. It may not seem a lot to you, but to me, this is something I achieved myself with no help from anyone, through diligence and hard work.’ His lips stop working my neck, and he pulls away to look me directly in the eyes, well this is progress, he usually ignores my explanations entirely.

  Somehow, I get the feeling things have gotten distinctly serious.

  ‘No one is trying to take away what you have achieved here, Sasha. Keep the flat, we’ll use it when we visit your friends,’ he suggests, ‘and we can visit whenever you want, baby, because not sure you got the memo, but money’s no object for us.’ For us? ‘But, to point out the obvious here, your family is in Denver, and they miss you, Sasha, they wouldn’t tell you that to your face, but they miss you more than ever, probably because they kinda got used to having you around. And now, the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you also resides there, that not reason enough for you, Queenie?’ He asks, sincerely.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I answer honestly, flabbergasted by the profoundness of his words. ‘They miss me more than ever?’ I ask, leaning my chin on his chest as I observe him carefully.

  He nods, ‘especially the kids. You spent a lot of time with them when you came over.’

  ‘This is emotional blackmail,’ I narrow my eyes at him.

  ‘Call it what you will, it’s also the truth,’ his fingers sieve through my tangled locks. ‘I think you missed the heartfelt part where I told you I loved you, baby,’ he whispers down to me, his eyes blazing with a strange light that creates a hue around the deep blue of his glance.

  My heart trips as my body freezes, ‘actually, I think I did miss that part,’ I mumble, not knowing how to respond as I rewind my mind to his last statement. ‘No, I didn’t, you never said you loved me, I would have remembered that.’

  ‘I was telling you without actually saying it an
d freaking you the fuck out, as you so eloquently put it,’ he answers, gently.

  ‘You love me?’ My voice sounds strained, squeaky even.

  His eyebrow arcs, ‘you think I’d travel halfway around the world for a fuck?’

  A sensation of panic washes over me, and I get the intense urge to run. As if Ben senses it, he flips us over, so his weight pins me down, his eyes warm as they move over my features.

  ‘Calm, Queenie,’ he murmurs softly. ‘It’s still just you and me enjoying each other in and out of the bedroom.’

  ‘I need to get to work,’ I mumble, distractedly.

  ‘I thought we’d resolved that one, call in sick, spend the day with me in bed where we can fuck, and get you used to the idea that it’s okay that love is a weakness,’ he states, perceptively.

  ‘How can anything that makes you weak, be good for you?’ I scoff, glancing up and hoping with all my heart he can convince me, say something that will pull me out of my current mind-set that love renders you useless.

  ‘You can love with all that you are and still be you, Sasha. You are not your Ma, you are the strongest woman I know, not to mention the sassiest. Is it better not to have experienced love at least once in your life than live a half-life never being able to let yourself go and be the person you desire to be? I know I would. I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way about a woman and I certainly wasn’t looking for it, but right now I wouldn’t give us up for anything in this world.

  If it got taken away tomorrow, I would still be grateful of experiencing it, for however short time. But you have to believe that we are stronger together than apart, we are only weak if we let ourselves be. And darlin’, sorry to say this but your Ma must have been a vulnerable person in the first place to have turned her back on her girls when they needed her the most. Because, Sasha, I know, without a shadow of a doubt that you would never do that to any children that we ever had. Just as I know, however, devastated I would feel if you were taken from me prematurely, my priority would be my family. It wasn’t love that killed your Ma, baby. It was selfishness. Don’t let her take anything else away from you, from either of us Sasha, take a chance on what’s real, take a look at what’s around you.’ His eyes penetrate mine, and I can hardly breathe.