Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘Hand him over, I’ll get him ready for bed,’ practical Ben announces, softly.

  Nothing more is spoken of our intense conversation as we go about our regular nightly routine, we are both quieter than usual, each in our thoughts. Once Theo is settled, Ben announces he is going home. It is eight o’clock, and we have both been on the go for what seems like twenty-four hours with all the packing and travelling. Ben says his goodbyes to Cam and Liddy, who are in the process of settling the children for the night before I walk him to the front door.

  ‘Thank you for all your help,’ I call, politely, as he opens the door.

  ‘No problem, think about what I said, yeah?’ He murmurs, quietly. I nod, he bends and kisses my cheek, the first physical gesture he has given me since arriving at my doorstep two weeks ago, before stepping out into the cold Denver evening.

  ********

  It takes almost a week for Theo to adjust his body clock to Denver time. A week that I spend pacing up and down my small room during the hours of darkness, and the daytimes trying to catch up on my sleep while he slept wonderfully, waking up only for feeds and a nappy change. Liddy offered to help but seeing as I was breastfeeding, it was impossible for anyone but me to work through the transition. I was able to sleep during the day, Liddy had her husband and children to care for and needed her sleep. Ben offered to help, but again there was nothing anyone else could do, they suggested I express the breast milk into a bottle, but I refused to be a dairy cow and persevered.

  Ben was a daily visitor and always put Theo to bed of a night. He was also frustrated as Theo’s daytime sleeping meant that he didn’t get to spend time with him when he was alert and reactive.

  But, when the week was up as if by magic, Theo got to grasp with his day and nights, and we found a routine. He still woke up for feeds, but he settled back down relatively quickly after he was full and changed.

  Ben was back to working at the club. He went from putting his son to sleep, directly to his work every night. We spoke no further about our in-depth conversation on our arrival to Denver, but Ben had become more attentive to not only Theo but also to me. Our daily trips out continued, with walks in the park and sometimes lunch, it was as if he was courting me. Occasionally he would brush his fingers down my cheek, put his hand on my lower back when we were walking and always kiss my cheek on arrival and departure. He was getting me used to him again, I knew it, and Liddy noticed too.

  I had told her about our conversation, she had looked thoughtful and smiled softly, but had not commented much on the matter. She had said to me that Cam was nervous about it happening again, as was I, but apart from Ben and our complicated relationship, life in Denver was good. The kids adored their new cousin, as I knew they would, and we all adapted readily to the new addition to the family. It didn’t matter that the house was cramped, it was a contented household.

  It was my third week in Denver that Ben officially asked me out on a date. He had already checked with Liddy if she minded taking care of the baby for a couple of hours while he took me to dinner, to which she had been only too glad. We just had a few hours because of Theo’s feeding schedule, but if we went after his eight o’clock feed, he didn’t usually wake until midnight, anyhow.

  We were in the park, just about to turn back home when he had asked me. I had hesitated and stared at him, engaging in a battle in my head. I knew if I accepted Ben’s date, the whole dynamics of our relationship would change, we would be stepping out of two separate people parenting a new baby, to becoming a couple on our right. There was no going back from that, it would be either we made it as a couple, or we didn’t, which I knew could end badly for us and our recent truce.

  ‘What if it goes wrong, what happens then?’ I had asked, looking into his bright blue eyes, searching for a sign that he meant it this time.

  ‘It won’t go wrong,’ he had insisted, the determination in his gaze almost settling my concerns, almost, but not quite. ‘It’s not just you and me now, Ben,’ I had reminded him.

  ‘Something I know as well as you. I wouldn’t do this if I weren't certain it was one hundred percent right,’ Ben asserted. Then he stepped closer. We had maintained an acceptable distance between us since Theo was born and apart from the night we arrived when he opened up his feelings, it remained that way. Now though, his hand moved around my hip and brought me closer, but not so I was touching him. ‘If I thought for a second that my actions could fuck up my son, or his perception of relationships in general, I wouldn’t be risking it. One thing I hope you have learned from me in these past weeks is I would lay my life down for him.’

  I knew that he was an unbelievable dad, but we weren’t talking about him being a father, we were discussing him as a partner.

  ‘Now I understand that you have reservations, and I get them, but I ask you to cast your mind back, Sasha, to a time where we were unbelievably happy, building and planning a bright future together. Because, that’s all I see when I look at you, I have held back my feelings and tried to prove to you that I am still that person, but it’s time to move forward. The person I am no longer is the one that lost all direction when he suddenly realised he could buy anything he wanted in his life and yet could do nothing to save his family.’

  I looked up at him, my body knew him, it recognised the brief touch of his fingers on my hips, it gravitated towards him, I had to either gamble on this or shut it down. My mind whirred as his eyes held mine, promise and hope within their depths.

  I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I was holding, before I nodded, ‘okay,’ I whispered, butterflies fluttering within my belly.

  I observed the relief in his eyes and watched as he closed his eyes briefly when he opened them they were earnest. ‘Okay, we’ll leave after we do the usual nightly routine for Theo, but Sasha?’ He called, and my glance that had dropped to the large expanse of his chest rose up to his. ‘We do this you have to let the past go, you hear? It will only work if we start with a clean slate, no dwelling on it, no bringing it up in arguments. The first day of our lives as a family starts here.’

  I know he is right, if I throw it in his face at every opportunity, it will always remain among us. ‘Okay,’ I repeat and watch his eyes turn sexy lazy, my heart pitter-patters in my chest as his hand cups my jaw.

  ‘Thank you, darlin’, you won’t regret it,’ he whispers down, his eyes moving down to my lips and instantly heating. My hand moves to his chest as I allow my body to bump against his, I can feel his breath on my face and the heat from his warm body on mine. Then he touches his lips to mine, testing when I don’t move away, he slants them, and his tongue swipes out. I open up for him, the pain of our reunion burning deep in my chest as our kiss deepens. It isn’t a demanding kiss, it is one of promise of things to come, a re-joining of two tortured souls and it is perfection. It lengthens, going on and on for what seems like eternity, when it eventually slows of what looks like its natural conclusion, I feel wet on my cheeks.

  ‘I never want you to cry over me again,’ he whispers, wiping my cheeks with his thumbs and wrapping his arms firmly around me. God, it feels so good to be back in the comfort of his protection, I remember it vividly now I have it again. It feels like nothing can reach me, to harm me while I am here. I sigh against him and feel him drop his chin on my head as he inhales a huge breath. I feel as if I have come home.

  Walking into the trendy restaurant in the centre of Denver, I feel at peace. Theo is tucked up safely in his crib under the safe eye of my sister and her husband, and Ben arrived this evening looking his usual gorgeous self, kissing me in greeting, briefly but on the lips in full view of my family. Kristen whoohooed, giggling, Blake grinned, clearly happy by the union and Cam and Liddy glanced over at each other with a knowing look.

  When I had emerged from the bedroom in my new jeans, that now fit me and a black V-neck blouse that emphasised my assets in an almost immoral way, Ben’s eyes had nearly popped out of his head. Cam had spluttered his beer and Liddy had giggled
uncontrollably.

  ‘Jesus, fuck!’ Ben had muttered under his breath. My hair was long and fluffed up how he liked it, and my makeup was smoky, my lips painted pink.

  ‘I’m ready,’ I called, feeling like a woman for the first time in a long while.

  ‘For what?’ Lydia had continued giggling, ‘sister, you are H-O-T!’

  Ben had bitten back a grin and moved us out of the house at lightning speed.

  We ate our meal, chatting about everything from Theo to Ben’s decision to sell the two bars his grandfather left him. He admitted having Theo, helped make them easier to let go. It was too much for him to take on and it spread him too thinly, especially now he was a father. He was keeping Honour, as he had built it from the ground, but knew that his Pop would understand and be proud of him no matter what he did. I knew then that Ben might not have had a father, but his grandfather’s morals were what I hoped he would instil in our son.

  The night flew by and before I knew it, the phone alarm I set for eleven, buzzed reminding me I had to get back to Lydia’s, just in case Theo woke. Ben paid the bill, and I watched when he arched an eyebrow at the waiter, whose eyes had been drifting to my chest area all evening, in warning. The waiter blushed, he was only young, and I told Ben off for embarrassing him. His reply was to remind me I was his, and it was disrespectful of him to be blatantly ogling me.

  The minute we stood up, he took my hand and led me to his Audi, which he had got out of the garage for the event.

  When we returned to Liddy’s, she and Cam sat on the sofa, and Theo was laying across my brother-in-law’s chest, his back to Cam’s watching whatever program they were looking at, but I could tell he was getting fidgety. Liddy snuggled against his side, and they seemed perfectly happy.

  ‘Hey!’ I called, my eyes directly on my boy, ‘did he behave himself?’ A smile was on my face. I missed him.

  ‘He has been an angel,’ my sister, insisted. ‘He only woke about ten minutes ago, not sure he should be watching Game of Thrones, but Cam insisted it was male-bonding time seeing as it’s full of nude women.’ Cam grinned at Ben.

  ‘Thanks, man,’ Ben called, taking him from his uncle. ‘Hey son,’ Ben brought him to his face and kissed him on his lips, ‘you hungry?’

  I walk around to the kitchen and bring out a bottle of water from the fridge, ‘anyone wants anything?’ I call, everyone declines and I walk back, kicking off my heeled boots along the way. We chat for a few minutes before Theo begins to fret, ‘I’ll feed him, thanks again guys,’ I thank them.

  ‘Okay if I hang until I get my boy to sleep?’ Ben asks Cam and Liddy.

  ‘Course man, stay as long as you like,’ Cam frowns. ‘You don’t need permission, Ben, you are family.’

  ‘Appreciate it,’ with a flick of his fingers, he follows me into my room.

  ‘That was sweet,’ I sit in the chair and pull the nursing sling over my head.

  ‘What was?’ Ben asks, handing me Theo.

  ‘Being respectful of their house, it’s late, it was the right thing to do,’ I adjust myself to release my nipple for Theo, who is already reaching for it with his mouth.

  ‘Thanks, Queenie,’ he lays on the bed to the side of where I am sitting, his eyes moving to his son. ‘Will you let me see, one day?’ He nods to Theo, ‘him feeding, I mean. I know you’re not ready yet, but I have to say it’s beautiful even from this angle.’

  I feel heat flush my cheeks as I gaze down at my son sucking my breast, ‘err, yeah, sure.’ It felt strange because Ben had seen my body from every perspective during our incredibly hot energetic sex fest, but now it was if we were brand new.

  ‘Not until you feel comfortable,’ he adds.

  ‘Okay,’ I gaze up, and our eyes meet, and I know we are both revisiting our previous relationship and the considerable amount of sex we enjoyed on a daily basis. ‘You had others?’ I ask softly, hating myself for asking, for allowing my mind to dwell there. Of course, he had fucked other women. It was nine months of his life. If I hadn’t have been pregnant, I would have probably indulged myself.

  ‘Queenie,’ his eyes sharpen, with regret.

  ‘Don’t answer that,’ I quickly reply, ‘I already know.’ The pain sears through my veins, but I am determined not to cry, he said no more tears, I focus on my son as his suckling slows as he tires.

  ‘I turned into the worse version of myself,’ he whispers. ‘I did it to feel, but all it did was expand the hollowness.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have asked,’ I mumble, my eyes finding him and witnessing for myself the hurt deep inside. ‘We agreed,’ I remind him, ‘no looking back.’

  ‘But, on that note, I always wore protection and have since had a check-up, and it’s all good,’ he assures me.

  I nod, ‘Okay, Ben,’ I can’t allow it to penetrate my jealous mind.

  Instead, I concentrate on lifting a sleepy Theo off of me and naturally hand him to his daddy, who immediately spurs into action to change and wind him, before rocking him until he’s asleep. While he does his nightly regime with Theo, I take off to the bathroom and remove my makeup and brush my teeth before changing into my short PJ’s.

  When I return, Ben is in the process of laying Theo in his crib. He turns and runs his eyes over me. ‘We good?’ He asks, gently.

  ‘We’re good,’ I confirm, with a small smile. ‘I’m sorry, it’s been such a lovely date, I shouldn’t have tainted it with our past.’

  ‘Come here, baby,’ he holds out an arm, and I walk under it to wrap my arms around him. He moves one around my waist and one up my spine to tangle in my hair, fisting it to bring my eyes to his. ‘It’s not always going to be easy. A lot has transpired since we met. We’ve had one trauma after another from the offset, but when I said we don’t revisit the past, I meant in an ugly way. You want to talk to me about it, we can do that if it helps us put it where it belongs. You get me?’

  ‘I get you,’ I breathe up.

  ‘You get where I am taking us, Queenie?’ He whispered down, I nod, ‘I’m losing patience, I don’t want to have to leave my home to see my family, you get what I’m saying?’

  I did, but fear clenched my stomach, he must have seen it in my eyes because he squeezed me at my waist, ‘we’re good,’ he repeated.

  ‘Okay,’ I respond.

  ‘You haven’t been to the loft since you arrived,’ he stated, I hadn’t because I didn’t want the memories to cloud my mind, not when I was in such a great place. Ben had offered to make us lunch at his loft, and I had declined. He stated he wanted his son to see his home and I had suggested that was fine, but not that day. I was putting off the inevitable because I knew it was going to hurt. We had spent a lot of time at Ben’s having sex, watching TV and just generally being together, it was also the place that he dismissed me from his life. ‘Tomorrow, I’ll pick you both up, and we’ll go to the loft,’ he declared.

  I dropped my eyes from him, but he brought them back with a tug on my hair, that I have to say sent tingles down to my recently stretched sex. Theo was six weeks old, but that didn’t mean that the thought of anything penetrating that particular orifice didn’t fill me with anxiety.

  ‘Tomorrow, we’ll go to the loft and make new memories,’ he pledged as if he could read my mind.

  ‘Okay,’ I breathe before he dips and touches his mouth to mine. His lips are soft and cajoling as he seduces me with the slow burn of his kiss. When he opens up and strokes his tongue against mine, I groan, and he pulls me closer to him as he devours my mouth and we lose ourselves in that one long, wet, hard smooch. When he reluctantly slows it down, I am clinging to him, giddy with the force of the attraction between us, my eyelids heavy and my body buzzing with a need that I haven’t felt in a long time.

  ‘Fuck!’ He purrs, moving his lips to my jaw, my neck as his hands roam over my back and down to my backside. ‘I’d forgotten how sweet you taste, baby,’ he whispers in my ear. ‘Can’t wait to taste that honeyed pussy, again,’ my body alerts to his dirty talk
and my breathing hitches.

  ‘God,’ I hum, pushing myself against his evident hardness. ‘I’d forgotten,’ I admit.

  ‘I’d never forgotten,’ he purred, ‘that doesn’t mean I don’t want to refresh the memories. Tomorrow, baby, pick you both up at eleven.’

  ‘Eleven,’ I muttered, lifting my mouth up to him because I craved another reminder. He obliged by kissing me hard, deep and wet leaving me a breathless mess. I then walked him to the now darkened living room and kissed him again at the door, before he ordered me to lock up and stepped into the darkness.

  ********

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Just visiting Ben’s loft, the following day, required careful consideration to what Theo would need. I had decided on taking his pram so that he could sleep, a changing bag with all it entailed for nappy/diaper changes, a change of clothes in case of accidents and a bottle of his sterilised water.

  Cam had gone to work, so Liddy helped organise me, and I have to say I was astounded by what you needed for a day out. My sister knew the significance of my visit to Ben’s because I had discussed it with her when he had initially asked me to visit. She comprehended my apprehension but had suggested that if we were determined to do this, then I would have to exorcise some demons.

  Today, I was exorcising demons.

  When Ben arrived, he greeted me with a kiss on the lips and the same for his son, kissed Lydia’s cheek and only then saw the pile of bags in the hall. He lifted an eyebrow to me in question.

  ‘Do you know how much equipment you need to take a baby out for a few hours?’ I probed.

  He chuckled, ‘baby, I have stuff at mine.’

  ‘You have stuff at yours?’ I query.

  ‘Yeah, we don’t have to bring it all with us. Just bring you, Theo and the pram,’ he suggests. ‘I started on the nursery as soon as we landed, Queenie,’ my eyes went wide at this knowledge.

  ‘Rather presumptuous, don’t you think?’ I ask, mildly. Lydia giggled as she left us to it in the hall.