Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘I remember. I love you,’ I suck back the emotion that is climbing up my throat. I’m going to miss my big sister.

  ‘Hey now, none of that. I’ll see you soon, yeah?’ she palms my cheek, affectionately, but I see the tears also in her gaze. ‘Now, one more cuddle from my gorgeous nephew and we need to leave, Ben.’ She takes Theo and covers him in kisses before handing him back to me. ‘You sure you are going to be okay?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I assure her, sniffing back a tear.

  ‘Love you, Waspy,’ she whispers, before opening the door and walking out of it.

  ‘You okay?’ Ben stops in front of me and tugs on a strand of my hair. His gaze is gentle but anxious as he runs it over my features. I nod. ‘I’ll be back. You need anything?’ I shake my head, and he tips his chin as he too walks out leaving me alone for the first time with my son.

  ‘I guess it’s you and me, Theo,’ I walk him over to the window and watch as Ben loads up my sister’s luggage and drives her off to the airport and the other side of the world.

  The midwife arrived for my check up at the same time as Ben returned from the airport, I opened the door to the pair of them, and they both walked on through. The midwife is chatting about how she is glad to meet Ben, her eyes moving over him appreciatively as she checks out the baby. I know this was the norm, and I had become somewhat accustomed to it when we had first got together. If it has a vagina, it will eye fuck my man. The difference now was it wasn’t my place to say anything, Ben was single, and I could no longer shrug it off with the knowledge that it would be me that was fucking him that night. He wasn’t mine anymore. This thought depressed me, as I sat back and mentally scolded myself for even thinking about Ben in that way.

  I needed to get out of these four walls. I felt as if they were closing in on me. I also needed to get away from Ben, the easiest way to do that was to be under the care of my sister and Cam. That means Ben could visit Theo, but wouldn’t feel obligated to take care of me.

  ‘You okay, darlin’?’ Ben asked, interrupting the midwife’s constant chatter.

  I looked up to him and mechanically nodded, before glancing back to the midwife. ‘How soon before we can travel?’ I ask her.

  ‘Fly, you mean?’ She tests. I nod, and she tells me that most airlines like the baby to be a couple of weeks old and would usually ask for a paediatrician to write a letter confirming that it’s safe to travel, which she assures me with my text-book pregnancy and birth wouldn’t be a problem. I ask if she could arrange it, and she said she would see what she could do, the next step was the passport.

  After the midwife had checked me out, she had left, and I had fed Theo in the living room, with a blanket over my bits, while Ben had put away some shopping that he had taken it upon himself to buy on the way back from the airport. He seemed to understand I needed some headspace and left me alone, only approaching to bring me a cup of tea. It wasn’t until I had finished feeding and winding Theo, that Ben came over and took him from me. He then changed his nappy and returned to the other end of the sofa with him in his arms.

  ‘You’re coming to Denver?’ He asked the question he knew the answer.

  ‘Yeah, I may as well spend my maternity leave with Liddy, my friends are all at work,’ I admit. ‘It will do the baby well to spend time with family, rather than with just me.’

  He nods, ‘I’m glad, Queenie. After registering his birth tomorrow morning, we’ll see about a passport.’

  ‘Okay,’ I murmur. I feel tearful, and I don’t know why, I knew I was going to miss Lydia, but it seemed more than that.

  ‘You feeling a bit blue, baby?’ Ben’s soft tone is almost my undoing, but realising he had researched new mothers and childbirth, made me smile.

  ‘Someone’s checked the internet,’ I glance over to him, and his eyes smile.

  ‘Like to be one step ahead,’ he admits. I knew that about Ben if he was doing something, he did it well. It seems he was taking this fatherhood thing in his stride.

  ‘I could do with getting out of the house,’ I confess, softly, ‘I feel like I’m suffocating.’

  ‘How about we take Theo on his first trip, you hungry?’ He tests, his eyes warming.

  ‘I could eat,’ I admit.

  ‘You got a stroller?’ He tests.

  ‘Not yet, I got a car seat,’ I notify him.

  ‘Then we’ll go out for dinner and tomorrow we’ll go baby shopping,’ he announces. ‘You sure you up for that?’

  ‘Sounds good,’ I smile, gratefully. ‘Thank you, Ben.’ It took a lot for me to admit that I was appreciative of him being here, right now.

  ‘Anytime, darlin’,’ he smiles, and my heart skips a beat. Fuck, I need to close it down.

  I watched the pride in Ben’s eyes as he carried the baby seat into the Mexican restaurant on the Kings Rd. I knew he would be a good dad, that was never in question, the questionable fact was his staying power. He couldn’t disappear or go off the boil when something traumatic happened in his life, as a parent that just couldn’t happen. You had to wait until the child went to bed and then you could fall apart, but only until he woke up again and then you had to put yourself at the bottom of the list of priorities and do the best you could for your baby.

  Something I did learn from our trip out, was that people loved new-born babies, especially cute ones like my son (yeah, I know we all think our babies the cutest). People stopped and cooed, and we both smiled and thanked them when they congratulated us, and I had to say it felt good to share that with someone.

  By the time we returned to the flat, I was tired, and Theo needed a feed. Ben insisted on staying until Theo was fed and in his crib before leaving for the hotel. It was only then that I felt as if I could breathe again.

  I woke up twice during the night to feed Theo but managed to have us both ready by nine o’clock the following morning for our trip to the registry office. It wasn’t easy, but I was up for the challenge. Ben arrived at nine-fifteen looking delicious in a pair of dark jeans and a blue shirt, his hair still wet from the shower. I had worn another pair of maternity jeans and a loose cream off the shoulder top, pulling my hair up to a scruffy bun on the top of my head and applying enough makeup to make me look human after the tiresome night I had experienced.

  We had a conversation in the car on the way to register the baby’s birth, and Ben had agreed to Theo Alexander but had insisted he take his surname. Knowing that Ben didn’t have any relatives left in Denver, I decided to give the baby Ben's name; it wasn’t something I was precious about and deduced it was a man-thing, children carrying on surnames.

  Once, we had the birth certificate, we stopped off at the post office and had the baby’s passport photo taken and the application filled in and sent to the relevant authorities. Ben paid extra to have it expressed, which meant it should have a turnaround of approximately a week, all being well.

  Next stop was pram shopping in the department store to beat all department stores. Ben purchased the most expensive pram in the entire shop. It all but made you a cup of tea, and I’m sure it had a satellite to the moon. It shaped like an egg and had various add-ons transforming it from a pram for a new-born to a sit up pushchair for when he grew and became inquisitive to the world. I could have put a down payment on a more prominent flat for the money it cost. Before I could even utter a word about the price, Ben had paid for it and told me that he hadn’t contributed towards anything as yet and wanted Theo to have the best. I didn’t say a word, mainly because I wouldn’t have been able to afford it in a million years.

  By the time we left the store, with an additional bag filled with various outfits, I was tired again, and Theo was getting ready for another feed. Ben loaded up the car and drove us home, where I fed him, and his dad changed him. When he fell asleep on his daddy’s chest, I took him and placed him in his crib.

  ‘He’s settled if you have things to do,’ I encouraged, feeling as if he had probably had a baby overload by now.

  ‘No, I�
�m good, you have a nap, I got my laptop in the car, I can work,’ he insisted.

  ‘Ben, you don’t have to babysit me, I’m doing fine,’ I update him, ‘and you know I am coming to Denver for a while, so you will have plenty of time to bond with Theo.’

  ‘I know, I don’t have anywhere else to be, the hotel's Wi-Fi is pretty shoddy, so if it’s okay with you, I’ll sit at your kitchen counter and catch up with some things?’ I want to say no, but after the day he has given Theo and me, I don’t feel as if I can.

  ‘Of course, I’m going to sleep,’ I tell him, ‘thanks for today.’

  ‘Anytime, Queenie,’ he murmurs, his eyes turning lazy as he sends me a small smile.

  ********

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  TWO WEEKS LATER

  I hear the screaming of my name as Ben, and I exit customs and walk into DIA. I see Blake run for me and uncharacteristically hug me tight, followed by an excitable Kristen. I cuddle them both, so pleased to see them before being engulfed into a bear-hug that is Cam.

  ‘Welcome home, darlin’,’ he grins, peeping in at a sleeping Theo, in his luxury pram. ‘This the main man?’

  ‘This is your nephew, Uncle Cam, Theo,’ I squeeze his waist once, before walking up to Liddy and hugging her until she shouts out for me to stop. We sway each other, as the men shake hands and take control of the baggage. I have travelled heavy, the airport trolley overflowing with cases, with enough baby paraphernalia to last until Theo is approximately twenty-one. I take the pram from Ben, and we pile out of the airport.

  The past two weeks had been made both easier and harder by Ben’s appearance. Ben had been a huge help with our son, yeah, I’d stopped calling him my son and concluded that Ben had earned that privilege by all the ways he had helped. But at the same time, he had turned on the charm, and I had to remind myself maybe twice or thrice daily that we weren’t an item and we were never going to become an item. Our truce was based purely on being parents to an adorable baby that was entirely undoubtedly the most beautiful baby in the world.

  He spent most days with me, taking me out and about, even if it was for a walk in the park. But, once we had eaten together of an evening because it was just as easy to cook for two than one, everyone knows that he would get Theo changed and asleep and place him in his crib before leaving for the hotel, or wherever he went, and I went to bed.

  The only disagreement we had was regarding the airfare to Denver. Without discussion, Ben bought us first-class tickets, not entertaining my insistence that I pay him back, how I was intending on doing that I had no idea, but if I had a way of reimbursing him, he wasn’t prepared to compromise in any way, shape or form.

  One of Ben’s security was waiting for him at the car park with his Range Rover, meaning all we had to do was load up the baby and our baggage and drive directly to Cam and Liddy’s.

  When we arrived, it was like a family reunion as the men unloaded the car and the baby handed around as we all sat and drank tea, or beer for Cam and Ben, and ate already prepared sandwiches and cake. It was five in the afternoon, although it felt about three in the morning for me, I couldn’t have been happier. I was amongst family with my son being cuddled and kissed by all. It felt strange as if I was home.

  Ben looked across at me as I sat with Kristen, while she held Theo in her arms, a massive grin on her face and his lips slowly moved up to a sexy smile that hit me in my solar plexus. I quickly averted my gaze as I inhaled a deep breath to refill my lungs and rescued my son before he got squashed by my niece’s firm hold.

  When Theo began to unsettle, I knew he was looking for a feed and slipped away to my tiny bedroom that was going to be home for the next couple of months.

  When I entered the room, I could see someone had been moving things around. The small double bed was now against the wall on one side and the same equipment from my flat, the crib and the changing station, had been placed in the best possible position to make the most of the small space. There was another little dresser that took up most of the remaining room, and a rocking chair sat by the window, which I knew my sister had for nursing her two children. It was cramped, but it was more than enough to see my baby and me through the next months. Ben, had told me that he would sort out a crib for Theo, once we got here, he had apparently arranged the equipment beforehand.

  I hear someone behind me and turn to see him standing in the doorway.

  ‘Hi,’ I call, softly.

  ‘I hope it’s okay,’ he glances around the tiny space. ‘You know you can both stay at my loft? I have plenty of room,’ he proposes, softly.

  ‘I know,’ I begin to jig around a restless Theo, ‘it just feels right being here, Theo’s first introduction to the chaos that is life,’ I smile. ‘Thank you, for his furniture.’

  ‘Sure,’ he mumbles, walking towards me, his eyes on his son. ‘I’ll take him while you organise yourself,’ he nods towards the chair by the window.

  Picking up the nursing sling, that Ben had found in the baby shop when we were searching for a pram, I sit on the rocking chair and adjust myself, so that when Ben passes a now crying Theo to me, I am ready for him to suckle. He quietens, immediately, as he latches on and sucks greedily.

  Ben chuckles, as he sits on the side of the bed. ‘His father’s son,’ he mutters, I ignore him, not quite knowing what to say, as I gaze out onto the beautiful view not nine months ago, I almost began to despise. I spent a lot of time in here during those last three weeks I was last here. I had stood and looked blindly out onto the view as the hope inside me slowly diminished to expose the deep hurt that took hold and almost crippled me.

  I was unaware that my reflective mood had caused my expression to change to one of sorrow and when Ben dropped to the side of the chair, his hand touching mine in a comforting gesture, I realised that I had a tear rolling down my cheek.

  ‘You okay?’ Ben hummed, gently. ‘What is it?’ I shook my head as I wiped at the trail of tears that trickled silently down my cheek. ‘Queenie!’ Ben called, slightly panicked, ‘what is it, baby?’ His thumb brushed across my cheek, and he tipped my face up to his.

  ‘I was,’ I stuttered, forcing myself to take a huge breath, ‘thinking about the last time I looked at that view,’ I finally confessed. ‘I’m fine,’ I sniff, ‘really, go back to the others. I’ve got this.’ I saw the regret flash across his glance, and a coldness grasped my insides tight, ‘seriously, it’s just hormones. I’m fine.’ I swallow down the lump of emotion stuck in my throat and try to smile through the misery.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, still holding onto my chin, as his thumb stroked my cheek in a gentle, soothing way. ‘I would do anything to take that pain away from you. I told myself it was for the best, for you. I was unable to function, to feel, I was numb to life,’ he admits, I try to stop him, to tell him it’s okay, but he won’t allow me. ‘There’s no one here to blame but me, but I am pulling my shit together, Sasha, if I have to spend my remaining years making it up to you, I will. My punishment is not being able to watch you swell with my son growing deep inside of you and that hurts like you wouldn’t believe. I know it’s a lot for you to forgive, but I will find a way, baby,’ he promises. ‘I am trying to be patient, treading softly, to earn back your trust, when all I want to do is throw you over my shoulder and take you back to my cave.’ His blue eyes burn through me as they move over my face. ‘So, fucking beautiful,’ he whispers, ‘you’ll always be mine.’

  ‘Ben,’ I whisper, shocked by his admission. For the past two weeks, he has been nothing but supportive and friendly, when we were out, and about we had talked, we even laughed on the odd occasion, but we never spoke about the past, which suited me just fine. I never got any smouldering looks or flirtations, I had begun to relax, albeit slightly frustrated that Ben could turn it off so quickly, but I could handle that Ben. This Ben, I had no defence against because it was the Ben I fell in love last year.

  ‘No, don’t say anything,’ he pleaded, ‘but know this,
I want us back, I want the three of us to be a family in every sense of the word. I fucked up, I know that, but I am going to mend us or, die trying. All I ask is you give me that one chance I know I don’t deserve.’

  ‘Ben,’ I say again because I don’t know what else to say.

  ‘You were right, love is a weakness, but the right kind of love offers so much more and being with you makes me stronger, Sasha. When I lost my Ma, I shut down. I told myself that I might as well lose you too, that way there would be no future surprises. I somehow came to a conclusion, that if there were no one else in my life that I cared enough about, I would never again experience the devastation I felt at losing both my grandfather and my Ma. It’s fucked up, I know, but since then I have felt nothing. There wasn’t anything getting through the barrier I erected at the hospital, all those months ago.

  When Cam told me, you had given birth to my son. The walls came crashing down, Queenie. I spent a night and day convincing myself you would both be better off without me, remembering that it was better to not have any attachments, only for them to be swiped away from me at a later date.’ I gaze up at him as I try to comprehend his words. His eyes are warm and lazy, and my stomach tips up in recognition of the times I’ve watched them soften before my eyes. ‘But, I couldn’t do it, my woman had just given birth to my son, and I was in my loft thousands of miles away when I should have been with her.’

  ‘I’m not your woman anymore, Ben,’ I remind him, my voice scratchy, ‘you tossed me away.’

  ‘You will always be my woman,’ he states, softly, ‘and, I am going to spend every waking hour convincing you of that.’

  ‘And, if I hadn’t had Theo?’ I test.

  ‘Then I probably wouldn’t have ever got the opportunity to put things right,’ he admits, ‘but you did have Theo, and I chose to believe he was sent to mend us, to remind us of what’s real.’

  I move my chin away from his fingers, and he drops them to stroke across our son’s head, I glance down at Theo, who has evidently had his fill, ‘he’s asleep,’ I whisper.