by A M Snead
Jack’s legs trembled as he and Garrett finally ventured to the bed. Garrett crawled under the covers next to Mickey. Jack walked around the end of the bed to climb in beside Marcus, then paused as he spotted something on the floor near his jeans. He picked it up and went around to the opposite side of the bed. The bedside lamp cast a dim light as he slipped under the blankets and scooted over against Marcus’ warm body.
Garrett propped up on his elbow and wrapped his other arm around the boys and looked at Jack. “Is that one of Jill’s hearts?”
Nodding, Jack stared at it. The clear tape was still intact. “I took one from the box earlier today,” he said quietly. “I was going to read it later, then I forgot.”
“What does it say?” Garrett murmured.
Jack carefully broke the seal and unfolded the paper heart. He stared at the words and his throat knotted as tears formed. “Expect a miracle”
“Jack…” Garrett whispered. “Babe…what does it say?” Jack handed him the heart and Garrett read the message. He swallowed thickly and leaned over, brushing a kiss across Jack’s lips. “We will,” he said softly. “For Scotty.”
♥
Dr. Harmony Knox was a woman in her mid-forties with kind eyes. Her dark hair was pinned back stylishly, a hint of gray at the roots that didn’t appear to trouble her. She had a presence about her that had instantly put Gideon at ease when he’d met with her earlier that day—and her immediate concern for Scotty was genuine.
Scotty stayed close by Gideon’s side as Dr. Knox led them into the room. The boy’s frightened eyes darted around, skipping off the bed, the nightstand, the small plain white bureau and matching desk. His stare caught on the window with the metal mesh layering and a “trapped” look spread across his face.
Gideon gently rubbed his back then wrapped his arm around Scotty’s shoulders and walked him to the bed. They sat down together as the doctor brought the desk chair over and sat before Scotty. She held out her hand. “Scotty,” she said softly, with no trace of that typical clinical tone. “I’m Dr. Harmony Knox.” She glanced at Gideon when Scotty just stared at her hand. She withdrew and smiled. “Bailey’s mother. You and Bailey are friends, isn’t that right? He’s told me a lot about you.”
Her words caused Scotty to recoil a bit and lean against Gideon.
“It was all good things,” she assured. “Bailey is very fond of you.”
Scotty ducked his head and turned his face into Gideon’s shoulder as tremors began to course through him. “I want to go home,” he whispered. Tears formed, and he gripped Gideon’s arm. “Please…take me home.”
“Scotty…son…” Gideon’s throat worked, and his vision blurred. “Dr. Knox—”
“I’m not crazy,” Scotty choked on a sob. “I’m not…”
“Scotty.” The doctor reached out cautiously and touched his knee. “No one thinks you’re crazy. Your mind is just having trouble dealing with some things. But that doesn’t make you crazy. I just want to help you get better.”
Scotty jerked away from her touch and clung to Gideon. “I’m not sick,” he cried. “I wanna go home.”
Pressure welled in Gideon’s chest, thickening the tears in his eyes. “Scotty, this isn’t permanent,” he said thickly. “You just need to stay here a little while, so Dr. Knox can help you sort some things out.”
“No.” Scotty shook his head, his chin trembling. “I-I want to go home…with you. Please…”
Gideon looked at Harmony Knox helplessly, and tears began to fall. “How can I just…” He drew Scotty into his arms and hugged him tight.
“I know it’s hard,” she murmured with emotion, dampness in her gaze. “But you’re doing what is best for him right now. He needs help.” She stood up. “I promise I’ll take good care of him. He’ll be okay.”
When Gideon stood, Scotty rose with him, refusing to let go. “Don’t leave me,” he cried, shaking. “Don’t…please…I wanna go home…I’m not crazy.”
Gideon held him and buried his face in Scotty’s hair, crying with him. I’m so sorry, son. This is all my fault. Please forgive me.
Dr. Knox went to the door and spoke with a nurse then came back to the bed. She touched Scotty’s shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Scotty,” she said gently. “Gideon can visit you any time he wants. It won’t be so bad, I promise.”
“No…” He flinched away and squeezed his arms around Gideon. “Don’t send me away…don’t…” he cried harder. “Don’t leave me…everyone leaves me…”
Fuck. Gideon choked on a swell of sobs and cupped Scotty’s face, kissing his fevered brow. “I’m not sending you away, son. I’ll visit you, every day…until you can come home.”
“No…you won’t,” Scotty cried softly, shaking his head. “You won’t come back…you don’t want me…nobody wants me.” Sobs burst from him and he clung desperately to Gideon.
Gideon trembled and looked at Dr. Knox, tears streaking his face. “How can I leave him?” he choked. “He thinks I’m abandoning him.”
“But you’re not,” she assured softly. “He’ll see, when you come back for regular visits, that he wasn’t abandoned. I know how hard this is for you, but he needs to be here.” The nurse returned, and Harmony looked at Gideon. “I’ll give him something to help him sleep through the night. Then we’ll have a morning session, get acquainted, and you can come in and have lunch with him. He’ll be calmed down by then and the two of you can talk rationally.”
The nurse entered the room but stood back.
Swallowing thickly, Gideon nodded and untangled Scotty from around him. “Son, listen to me.” His voice shook as he battled fresh tears. “I’ll be back tomorrow. I promise. You’re going to be okay.”
Scotty stared at him, his face crumpling as an emptiness began to creep into his watery eyes. “You won’t come back,” he whispered brokenly.
“I will,” Gideon insisted with a sob. “I promise I will. I love you, Scotty.” He combed his fingers through his hair and pulled him close, touching his head to Scotty’s brow. “You’re my boy. My son. I will never forsake you.”
Fresh tears rose slowly in Scotty’s eyes and coursed down his flushed cheeks. “I wish Royal hadn’t saved me,” he whispered.
“Don’t…” Gideon broke and pulled his head against his shoulder, crying.
“I wish I was dead.”
Gideon held him close as the boy trembled against his body. “Don’t say that, son,” he said. “Things will get better, they will.”
When the nurse stepped forward and Dr. Knox slid Scotty’s sleeve up his arm, he didn’t resist but just sagged against Gideon, shaking. Gideon hugged him harder and cried against his neck.
Please, God…don’t let him give up. I can’t lose one of my boys…I can’t.
♥
He felt like a fucking schoolboy suffering his first crush. For a few years now, he’d somehow maintained the “friendship” barrier, despite the fact that he knew he was falling for the man. But last night…fuck…last night eradicated that barrier, leaving nothing between them but open air and a fucking ache in his heart that threatened to rip a hole in his chest.
Daniel sat on his sofa and turned his cell phone over and over in his hands. He’d been fiddling with the damn thing all day, coming close to calling Gideon numerous times, find out how things went with Mickey…just hear the man’s voice.
A hard breath released, and he flopped his head against the back of the sofa. “Fuck, what is wrong with you?” A call about Mickey was entirely legitimate. Why was he so damn nervous? He had never been like this around Gideon, regardless of his long-time attraction to him. This was more. Just being in Gideon’s bed, being the one he turned to for comfort—even without the sex—it did something to Daniel, stripped away a veil he hadn’t even known was there. And now he couldn’t get the man off his mind, couldn’t stop his thoughts from venturing into territory he had been careful to avoid until now. Territory he had deemed forbidden.
Gideon was holdin
g back, and for Daniel to go forward alone would bring about disastrous results.
Yet here he was—rushing across those fucking lines like a lovesick fool.
He stared at the ceiling and continued to twist the phone in his fingers. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought maybe it wasn’t safe for his heart to beat so fast and hard at his age. He groaned loud and dropped his head forward then tossed the device onto the coffee table. “He’s a virgin for crying out loud,” he mumbled. “He didn’t hold out this long just to give it up in some random bout of friendly sex.” He groaned again, frustrated by that little piece of reality. Daniel didn’t have delusions of grandeur concerning his sexual prowess, but he was confident that if he made love to Gideon just once…the man would be his.
But he didn’t see that happening. He’d been at Gideon’s fingertips for a few years now, even offering himself to the man—and Gideon had yet to stake claim on him. “Maybe you’re just not pretty enough for him.” Daniel snorted and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and stared at his phone. Get the notion out of your head, man. He sighed. “I need a beer,” he mumbled and stood up. “Beer fixes everything.” Combined with a few shots of something harder.
He was almost to the kitchen when the doorbell halted him. He frowned. It wasn’t overly late, but he rarely received visitors at night. Daniel went to the door and opened it on the second chime. His heart shot into his throat when he found Gideon on the other side, and for a brief instant excitement surged his pulse.
Until he saw the despair in his friend’s eyes—and the tears slipping free, coursing down his face.
“Gideon…?” Fear chilled his heart. “What’s wrong?”
The man began to tremble and nearly fell against Daniel, clinging to him as he broke completely.
Daniel held him and buried his face in his neck. “It’s okay, babe,” he whispered and reached out with one hand, slowly closing the door. “I got you.” He hugged Gideon tightly and closed his eyes. “I got you.”
Epilogue: “The Lost Boy”
The boy was dressed in his Sunday best—suit clean and pressed, tie done up perfectly—and his dark hair combed back, not a strand out of place. An instrumental hymn floated softly on the air, circulating the sanctuary as parishioners made their way up the aisle and took their seats in the padded pews.
David Hammond stood at the front of the church next to the boy, bible gripped in his hand, watching the congregation grow in number. His eyes skipped over their faces, not really distinguishing one from the other. He looked at the boy; an uncharacteristic peace softened his features, where less than twenty-four hours ago there had been the strain of fear and shame. But it was gone now, replaced by serenity.
He looks like Gideon. It wasn’t the first time the thought had crept in. And it disturbed him deeply, squeezed at his heart. If he had made a stronger effort to show Gideon the error of his ways, rather than letting him go…would he have one day stood next to Gideon as he now did with this boy, that same peaceful look on Gideon’s face?
He swallowed thickly and lowered his gaze to the bible in his hands and felt the weight of his mistake pressing down on him.
Forgive me, Gideon. I should have tried harder. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.
David reached out and ran his hand lightly over the boy’s hair, careful not to mess it, and again saw Gideon’s face on the boy. Had his passion to help this boy stemmed from his past regrets?
Some mistakes could never be undone.
♦ ♦ ♦
“You kissed me back.” Gideon’s words hung heavy in the warm night air.
“No, I didn’t!” David exclaimed and kicked away from Gideon as the boy slowly advanced on him.
“Uh, yeah, you did,” Gideon laughed. “I know how it feels to be kissed back.”
Conflicting emotions surged through David. “Why would you…why would you even do that? You’re not…”
“Gay?” Gideon smirked. “Well, actually...” He glanced around as if someone might be watching or listening, then touched his index finger to his lips. “Shh. Don’t tell anyone.”
“No.” David shook his head, his frown hardening. “You can’t be. Why would you want to be? It’s…it’s a sin. You know that.”
Tilting his head back, a groaning laugh squeezed up Gideon’s throat then he looked at David. “I didn’t choose to be gay, dummy. I just…am.”
“But you didn’t use to be.” David couldn’t seem to unclench his brow as this new and troubling information filled him with dread.
Gideon chuckled. “I’ve always been gay, David. I just hid it.” He rolled his eyes. “I mean, you know how it is. If my parents and our church found out I was a cake boy, they’d probably hook jumper cables to my balls and try to shock me straight. Wasn’t really up for that, if you know what I mean.”
Drawing further away, David shook his head slowly, his eyes beginning to sting. “This isn’t funny, Gideon. You could go to hell. Doesn’t that scare you?”
“God made me this way, David,” Gideon told him, his humor dying down. “Why would he make me gay, then send me to hell for being gay? God isn’t unjust. And that would be unjust.”
David stared at him, incredulous. “God don’t make people gay, Gideon. You know that. People make that choice, just like they choose to commit any other kind of sin.”
“You know, Davie boy…” Gideon shook his head, smiling. “I love you and all, you’re a great guy…but you are as fucked up as the rest of them.”
Fucked up? David had never heard Gideon use “hard” profanity before. Yet the word had slipped off his lips rather smoothly and without effort. He stared at Gideon and wondered how well he really knew the boy. They had been best friends for years, but all of a sudden David felt like he was talking to a stranger.
David turned his back on Gideon and swam toward the wooden dock.
“David…” Gideon called with a sudden note of uncertainty. “Wait…don’t leave.”
Ignoring him, David approached the dock and reached up, grabbing the edge.
“David.”
David flinched when Gideon touched his back. The boy had followed him and was now right there behind him. Gideon’s hand rubbed down his back then rested on his hip. David jerked away from his touch which was having a disturbing effect on him. And the fact that Gideon was stark naked under the water did nothing to alleviate his anxiety.
“Gideon,” David croaked, his throat suddenly tight. He wouldn’t look at the other kid as he held onto the edge of the dock. “You need help. Come back with me, we can talk to someone.”
“I don’t need help, David,” Gideon said softly, a hurt note in his voice. “I just need you to be okay with me. I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.”
“Even God?” Tears were forming in David’s eyes. “This isn’t a joke, Gideon. You can’t…be this way and still be…be a Christian.”
Gideon remained silent a moment before murmuring, “If that’s the way God really is, then…I don’t want to be a Christian. We were always taught that God loves us unconditionally, but if that isn’t true, if he can’t love me for who I am…” Gideon’s voice thickened. “Then fuck him, I don’t care. I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not. And if God wants to hate me for it, whatever. I don’t give a fuck.”
“What is wrong with you?” David twisted around, tears rising. “This is your soul you’re talking about. The difference between spending eternity in heaven or hell. How can you not care about that?”
“I care, David,” Gideon choked suddenly. “But this is who I am. What I am. I can’t change it. I don’t want to.”
“Why?” David stared at him; how could Gideon want to be gay?
Gideon just stared at him, a shadow of sadness and longing in his honey brown eyes. “Because I’m in love, David,” he whispered. “With you. And if I wasn’t gay…I wouldn’t be in love with you. And I like how it feels.” He moved closer and touched David’s shoulder, his hand slid
ing across to David’s neck. Gideon’s thumb lightly caressed David’s ear. “I know you liked it when I kissed you, David. You kissed me back and…” He licked his lips and swallowed thickly. “And you got…hard.”
Gideon felt that? David pulled back quickly, horrified. “No, I…I didn’t,” he insisted. “You’re crazy. I’m not gay, why would I…” He shook his head emphatically, turning away from his friend. “I’m not like that.”
“What if you are?” Gideon’s body touched David and his lips brushed the back of David’s neck as Gideon raked his fingertips lightly against David’s ribs beneath the water. “Kiss me, David…and if you don’t like it, I promise I won’t ask you to do it ever again.”
“No!” David trembled, distraught. “I’m not going to kiss you.”
Gideon shifted and moved around in front of him, his face just inches from David’s. Their eyes locked. “Kiss me, David,” Gideon whispered. His arms slid around David’s waist and drew him in closer.
David was paralyzed by shock, his mind still making the attempt to wrap around all of this. Gideon’s lips touched his mouth before he could make the decision to tear out of the guy’s embrace. This kiss was different than the first one; softer, more sensual. David whimpered in protest and in his head imagined himself jerking away, fleeing the water. But in reality—he couldn’t move. As if his body had detached from his mind, he felt himself kissing Gideon back. Gideon pushed his hips firm against David’s crotch, his arousal fierce and forceful. David gasped into Gideon’s mouth as his body responded alike, his erection straining against his wet jeans. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn’t be feeling this way! He wasn’t gay!
Gideon broke the kiss only enough to tug gently on David’s lips and groan low. He rubbed David’s back, his fingertips pushing into David’s wet skin. Gideon drew them back into a full kiss, then his tongue was in David’s mouth, grabbing David’s tongue and sucking.
A shiver ran through David’s body and settled in his crotch. He wanted to resist—he did! The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. David had always thought his “flesh” was stronger than this.