Where We Belong: Love Returns

by Melissa Tereze

  “Mm…” I nod.

  “There is never a right time.” Olivia shrugs. “If I’d waited any longer, I don’t know that I ever would’ve shown.”

  “Thank you for being honest with me.”

  Our coffee is set down in front of us and I hand over a ten pound note. I want to ask Olivia to come back to my place with me but I’m not sure how she will react. She said she is struggling and I have to accept that. I have to understand that this isn’t just about me or our relationship anymore. This is a whole other level now.

  “So, your girlfriend.”

  “We were just dating.” I focus on the coffee cup in my grasp. “I mean, it hadn’t been that long. Three weeks.”

  “But you wanted to move things along, no?”

  “Honestly, no.” I have to be honest with Olivia. I don’t want or need her to run so being honest can only be good for us right now. “I guess in some way, I was trying to slow things down without saying it out loud.”

  “How so?” She sips her coffee and I mirror her movements.

  “Just…backing off a little.” I sigh. “Trying to avoid situations.”

  “Situations?”

  “Mm, night time activities.” I clear my throat. “You know…”

  “Oh.” Olivia’s eyes widen. “Right.”

  “Wanna get out of here?” I arch an eyebrow, desperately hoping she will take me up on my offer, and subtly changing the conversation. I don’t want to talk about Ana. “If you’re not busy.”

  “I have a flight to catch.” Olivia narrows her eyes. “But, I guess I could change things up a little…”

  “I’d like that.” I lift her hand and press a kiss to the back of it. “I’d really like that.”

  “Come on.” She takes her purse from the counter. “I could use some fresh air.”

  Chapter Four

  Olivia

  It feels a little crazy walking beside Mati. Sure, I hoped I would see her when I arrived in London but I also expected the reaction I got. To an extent, at least. Writing that email to her last night was hard. It was hard and I couldn’t bring myself to hit the send tab. I knew I had to and I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I just couldn’t press it. As the cursor hovered over ‘send’, I couldn’t do it.

  So, I waited. Until this morning. I waited and I waited…until I couldn’t wait any longer. Did I want her to come and find me? Yes. Yes, I did. I didn’t believe she would, though. Why would she? I don’t deserve anything from her and we both know that. We both know that I messed up when I told her long distance couldn’t work. In the end, it wasn’t about long distance. In the end, the fact of the matter was…I shouldn’t have left her to come here alone, to begin with. I should’ve been on that flight with her. My hand in Mati’s. Our love stronger than ever. I should have…but I didn’t.

  “How has work been?” I glance to my right, Mati still beside me.

  “Really good, actually.” She nods. “Haven’t really had the chance to relax.”

  “I’m so proud of you.” Nudging her shoulder, she gives me a small smile. “I am.”

  “I wish you’d been here with me…”

  “Me too.” I sigh. “I just…I knew.” My head drops on my shoulders. “When I knew you had boarded that flight, I knew I was supposed to be with you.”

  “You said three weeks, though.”

  “I had stuff to figure out.” We cross the street. “My business. Handing it over for a while. I looked at a place to set up here.”

  “Really?” Mati asks, shocked. “I mean, you were that sure about coming here?”

  “I was,” I say with complete certainty. “I’ve never been sure about anything, but when I realized what I’d done…I was so sure, I’d have walked to you.”

  “What happened?” Mati’s voice breaks. “With your mom…”

  “Heart attack,” I say. “I don’t understand it. I mean, I do…but she was fine. She was great.” Slowing our pace at a nearby bench, we silently decide to stop for a while. “I’d arrived home, back in Los Angeles, and she handed my ass to me for leaving you. Not following you. I didn’t expect her to be so angry about it but she was. You know how she could be.”

  “Mmhmm…”

  “She told me I shouldn’t have run from you. That I was better than that.” My shoulders slumping, I feel like the ultimate failure relaying this back to Mati. “She didn’t like it, but she accepted it. That I was home, you know.” Shrugging, I pull my jacket tighter around me. “You know how close I was to her, Mati. You know how much I loved her.”

  “She was an awesome mom.”

  “She is…was.” I correct myself. “We went out to dinner one evening. She knew I wasn’t happy. She just kept on at me about it. She wouldn’t let it lie. In the end, I cracked. I told her I needed to be here with you. She was so mad at me for not coming with you. She told me that I’d done many stupid things in my life but this was the height of it all. I agreed. I knew how stupid I’d been.”

  “You did what was right for you…”

  “I took a cab to the airport one morning when I woke to find my things packed and my flight details sitting on top of my luggage. Mom was so happy that I was coming back to you, Mati. She told me she was proud of me for backing down. You both know how stubborn I can be.” A slight laugh falls from my mouth. “She wanted me to be happy. She knew that I could and would be with you.”

  “I’m really going to miss her.”

  “She just died, Mati.” I close my eyes and steady my emotions. “I couldn’t leave. I had to plan everything and take care of whatever required attention. It all became too much and I lost it. I lost a grip on everything around me. Then the depression set in. I just…I slept. I ate. I drank myself into oblivion some nights. I didn’t leave the house.”

  “You should’ve called.”

  “After her funeral, it hit me like a train,” I admit. “I mean, beforehand, everyone is around. Everyone wants to give you the world. When it’s over…they slowly but surely disappear. Slip away. Back to their own lives. Sure, people call to check in but I had no human contact from one day to the next.”

  “I can’t imagine how that must have felt.”

  “I thought about calling you.” I focus on Mati’s soft greyish blue eyes. “I didn’t cope very well and I thought about just picking up the phone and calling you.”

  “I wish you had.” Mati squeezes my hand.

  “I always stopped myself.” I breathe out. “I’d look at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted with what looked back at me. I couldn’t let you see me like that. Not when we weren’t even together anymore.”

  “Olivia.” Mati stops me. “You chose not to come for a reason…before everything else happened, you chose home.”

  “I was scared.” My voice cracks. “I was scared about all of this. Failure. Not thriving here like we had back home.”

  “You…fail?” Mati laughs. “We both know that was never going to happen.”

  “No, we didn’t.” I disagree. “Nobody knows what the future holds.”

  “My future held you…I knew that much.”

  “And mine held you.” I turn to face Mati. “It still does but I understand that the damage is done. I want everything in life for you, Mati.” My hand settles on the side of her face. “I want you to be happy, but I know that isn’t with me. I think even mom would agree that I’ve blown it with you. It’s far too late to give you my ‘I’m sorry’s’ or beg for another chance. I realize that now.”

  “We’re not okay, Liv.”

  “I know we’re not.” I try my hand at a small smile. “But that’s okay. I hurt you.”

  Mati takes my hand in her own. “I am mad at you. For not calling. I could’ve been there for you. I could’ve flown out to you and been with you through it all.”

  “No.” I shake my head slightly. “You were just getting set up here and I’d already broken your heart.”

  “I still would’ve been there.” God, I don’t deserv
e this at all. “You know I would.”

  “I wish I’d called. I wish you had been by my side.”

  “Stay, please?”

  “You don’t have to feel sorry for me, Mati. This…how we have come to this? It’s all on me. This is all my own fault.”

  “You have just shown up in my life…I’m not letting you go again.”

  “Y-You mean…us.” She points between us. “There is a chance?”

  “I’ll always take a chance on you, Liv.” Mati smiles. “Things aren’t okay, but I want you here with me.”

  “I have nothing left at home.” A tear slips down my face. “I have nothing if I don’t have you in my life.”

  “So, stay…”

  “Maybe we should take this one day at a time?” I suggest, my eyebrow raised. “I’ll extend my stay at the hotel and we will figure this all out.”

  “My roommate is leaving.” Mati chews on the inside of her mouth. “Figured you should know…t-that I’ll be alone soon.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “That we can build something here.” That single dimple pops and my smile widens. “Just…think about it.”

  “Y-Yeah.” I can’t take my eyes off her. Mati, the only woman I’ve ever loved. “Can I take you out to dinner?”

  “I have the place to myself tonight.” Mati’s eyebrow slightly raised, I want nothing more than to spend the evening with her. “Maybe you should come over…”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Beth, my roommate, she works the night shift.” Mati stands and pulls me up to my feet. “I’ll order in. All you have to do is show up, okay?”

  “Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Leaning in a little closer, I press a kiss below Mati’s ear and her body relaxes against my own, her hand suddenly gripping my hip. “Hey, you okay?” I pull back.

  “Yeah.” Her gaze focusing on my hand as she brings it up between our bodies, a small smile settles on Mati’s mouth. “Just crazy…you being here.”

  “I’m sorry I waited so long.” Pulling Mati into a hug, her arms wrap around my body and everything feels okay. Everything feels right. I know my life has fallen apart, but I was foolish to ever think that I had to do it all alone. My mom’s death. The aftermath. Mati should’ve been with me and I accept that now. I accept my faults where our relationship is concerned.

  “We should get back.” Mati clears her throat, suddenly creating distance between us. “I mean, I should get home.”

  “Yeah, right.” I sigh. “You have much planned today?”

  “I have a shoot with a new designer I’m working with…”

  “Damn, I even lost you to a new designer.” I roll my eyes playfully. “But I get it.” I smile as we turn and head off towards The Landmark. “Your work is impeccable so you’ll always be hot property.”

  “London has been good for me, Liv.”

  “I know.” I agree. “You look like you belong here.”

  “Maybe one day, you will too.”

  ***

  Come on. Move your ass.

  Sighing as I make my way down an unfamiliar street, the early evening air whisks around me, a light breeze reminding me that fall is more than here. It’s our favorite season. Always has been. Back home, Mati and I would spend as much time outdoors as we possibly could. The air just providing that calm after a long day of photo shoots and hard work. Sometimes eight hour days turned into fifteen. Sometimes we didn’t go home from one day to the next. Mati took it all in her stride when I contracted her to my company and thinking back, I know we could’ve totally taken London together.

  There is no use dwelling on the past now, though. I cannot change it and I cannot rectify anything I did wrong. As much as I’d love to, I can’t. The only thing I can do now is show her that I’m here. I’m here and I’m totally in this with her. I know deep down she holds a resentment for me but in time, I’ll erase that. In time, we will be the couple we used to be.

  Glancing up at the building my ex-girlfriend now calls home, a smile settles on my face, the knowledge that she has built a life here settling within me. I’m so proud of what she has achieved since she came to London and now I want in on it. I want to be beside her, cheering her on and watching her thrive. I want her smile to widen every day that we spend together.

  My own life may be a mess right now, but Mati’s isn’t. It isn’t and I have to remember that she’s not here to be brought down by my problems. The mood I’ve been suffering with since mom died suddenly. My life…torn apart. My heart…broken. Mati is thriving and living the life she always wanted. She is providing herself with the happiness I always dreamed about for her and I refuse to break that for her. If my being here is going to be too much for her then I will leave. In a heartbeat, I will leave.

  Why? Because this isn’t on her. How I feel. How I lie awake each night until the sun comes up…it isn’t on her. None of it. She deserves someone by her side who can see the good in life. Someone who can wine and dine her. Love her unconditionally. That person is me, but I’m not sure I’m quite there yet in terms of the grieving process. I know it never truly goes away but I’ve got to try harder than ever before. Now that I’m here in London, with Mati in my life again, I have to try harder for us both.

  Feeling like I’ve got this, I approach Mati’s front door and release a deep breathe. Knocking a little louder than acceptable, I’m given the fright of my life when the door swings open and someone I don’t recognize answers.

  “Sorry…” A brunette with a strong British accent says. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “You here for Mati?” She raises her eyebrow, a smirk curling on her mouth. “I mean, you’re the reason I’m seeing her in some oddly satisfying happy mood for the first time since she got here, right?”

  “I, uh…I guess so, yeah.”

  “Head on inside.” She throws her thumb over her shoulder. “I’m Beth, by the way.”

  “Nice to meet you. Olivia.” I extend my hand but Mati’s roommate pulls me into an unexpected hug. “O-Oh.”

  “We don’t handshake around here.” Beth pulls back and squeezes my upper arms. “Don’t be so formal.”

  “Right, yeah.” I smile. “My bad.”

  “Gotta go.” She disappears down the street and I’m left wondering what the hell just happened. “Hey, Olivia…” Beth turns back before crossing the street. “She’s missed you.”

  Giving Mati’s roommate a smile, my heart tightens in my chest a little but it feels good. It means I care. It means her friend’s words matter to me…that Mati still means the world to me. Pushing the door open a little, I clear my throat and glance around.

  “Mati?”

  “In here.”

  Following her voice, I find her standing in the kitchen, a glass of white wine in her hand. Tilting her head a little as she takes in my appearance, that look I’ve missed almost has me weak at the knees.

  “Hey.” I stop on the other side of the kitchen island. “I’m a little early, sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” She waves off my apology. “I was thinking of calling you to come by sooner.”

  “Yeah?”

  “We have a lot to catch up on.” Mati rounds the counter, her grey oversized woolen sweater hanging from her body. God, she looks so good. “Drink?” She takes a glass of wine from the counter.

  “A drink would be great.” I nod, taking it from her hands.

  “You wanna sit for a while?” Following Mati into her living room, she takes a seat on the couch and I sit at the opposite end. “Thanks for coming…”

  “Thanks for inviting me here.” I counter. “You didn’t have to do this. At least, not so soon.”

  “I did.” Mati nods. “You know how much I’ve missed you and I don’t want you to spend this time in London alone.”

  “I appreciate that.” I give Mati a thankful smile. I don’t know what we are right now but being here in her home is good enough for me. Any time she can
give to me is more than appreciated.

  “You met Beth on her way out, huh?”

  “I did.” I smile. “She’s very…”

  “British?” Mati laughs.

  “Nice girl.” I shrug as I take my wine glass between my lips. “You said she’s leaving?”

  “Mm, she wants her own space.”

  “You know, I never imagined you taking a roomy in.” I narrow my eyes. “Was there a reason you did? I mean, did you guys date?”

  “Me and Beth?” Mati arches her eyebrow. “No.”

  “So?”

  “I struggled when I first arrived.” She admits. “Going into the unknown doesn’t always work out how you expect it to.”

  “I wish I could’ve been here for you, Mat.”

  “Likewise,” She gives me a knowing look. “But what’s done is done, right?”

  “I guess so, yeah.” Sighing, I settle back on the couch and cross my legs. “I am sorry.”

  “You had stuff going on that I didn’t know about, Liv.” Mati shifts a little closer to me. “I was mad, and in a way…I still am, but I understand why you didn’t come here. I understand that you had things to take care of.”

  “I don’t feel like it excuses any of my behavior, though.”

  “Hey…you’re here, right?” Mati shifts a little closer to me, her thigh touching my own sends my heart rate soaring through the roof. “You’re here and for now, we can just enjoy each other’s company.”

  “Mati…” My eyes switching between her own and those gorgeous soft lips, I clear my throat and pull myself from the thought of even attempting to kiss her. “I want to be here with you, but I need you to understand that my life isn’t good right now.”

  “Yeah, you mentioned that.” She shifts away from me a little and right now, I’m thankful for the space.

  The closer she sits to me, the less likely I am to form a sentence. Mati knows the effect she has on me and that will never change. How my heart rate increases at the mention of her name. How my body responds to her voice…her touch. None of that will ever change for me, but in terms of love, I don’t feel like I’m in the right mindset. How can I put my all into loving someone else when I cannot even love myself. Not even a little.