The Ghost of You and Me

by Kelly Oram

  I give them a gentle push toward the middle of the living room where other couples are dancing. They smile shyly at one another and then follow my prompt. As they walk off, Henry glances back at me. He gives me a bright smile and mouths “Thanks.” I answer him with a wink and turn around feeling a little lighter.

  “That’s my girl,” Spencer says with a chuckle. “Always with the matchmaking.”

  I can’t answer him in a room full of people, but I roll my eyes. He refuses to let me shrug off the moment. “The world needs you, Bailey. Your friends need you. Henry has been in love with Amelia since eighth grade and probably would have graduated without ever saying anything.”

  I glance across the room to where Amelia and Henry are now standing in a corner, talking to each other with stars in their eyes. They’ll be together by the end of the night, and they’ll be an epic couple. I can’t help but smile at them.

  “Loser alert,” Spencer mumbles just as Chase places a hand on my shoulder from behind.

  I give Spencer a “be nice” look, then turn to force a smile at Chase, making sure to step out from under his grip. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything. His eyes are trained on Amelia and Henry. “That’s what I love about you.” He points toward Amelia and Henry. “You’re nice to everyone, even geeks like them.”

  I crack another smile when Spencer snorts. He had a hard time restraining himself from mocking most of my friends when people could see him. With his newfound invisibility, this is bound to be a very interesting night. Chase thinks my smile is for him. His face lights up at the encouragement, and Spencer snorts again. “You wish, buddy.”

  “Hi, Chase,” I say quickly, throwing Spencer a glare because he almost made me laugh again—which would make me look absolutely crazy.

  “Jake and I had a bet on whether or not you’d actually show tonight. I owe him five bucks, but I’m really glad you came.”

  He reaches for my hand, but I slip my fingers in the pockets of my jeans before he can latch himself on to me. I shrug my shoulders. “Julia didn’t give me much of a choice. She’s got a major thing for Jake’s brother.”

  Chase follows my gaze across the room to Julia and Colin with a smile. “I’ll have to thank her later.”

  His eyes find mine again, and he opens his mouth to say something else, but before he can speak, Liz jumps on me. “There you are!” She grabs my arm and starts dragging me toward the kitchen. “You took enough time getting here. Geez.”

  I shrug. “Just trying to being fashionably late.”

  Liz rolls her eyes as she pulls us into the kitchen. “There’s fashionably late, and then there’s missing half the party. Everyone thought you were going to ditch us.”

  I pull out of her arm, her annoyance making me angry. “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”

  She stares at me another moment and then breaks into a happy smile again. “Yes, you are, and there’s still plenty of time to have fun.”

  She yanks me through the kitchen out on to the back deck where most of our clique is hanging out. Jake has gone all out. There’s food piled high on several pop-up tables and a couple of guys grilling all kinds of things on the barbecue. Jake is manning the drinks, while Trisha hangs on him sipping from a red plastic cup.

  “Hey, everyone,” Liz shouts, “look who Chase found!”

  A loud cheer erupts. I’m greeted with hugs from several girls and nods from the guys. Jake abandons the drinks and scoops me into a hug that lifts me off my feet. “The beautiful Bailey Atkinson has arrived at last!” he says, placing a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek before he sets me back on my feet.

  He’s smashed, but he’s always been a very lovable drunk, and I can’t help laughing at the silly smile on his face. He seems genuinely happy that I’m here. Trisha, on the other hand, is not the least bit pleased. But that has more to do with the way Jake’s tucked me into his side and still has his arm around my shoulders. “Nice of you to finally grace us with your presence now that the party’s almost over.”

  “Oh, stop,” Jake tells her. He grins at me again. “Trisha’s been extra grumpy tonight because she thought you’d bail on us, but I knew you wouldn’t miss my party. Come on, let’s get you a drink.”

  I shake my head when he hands me a beer. “No thanks.”

  He pushes it at me anyway. “Come on, you look like you’re terrified to be here. You need to loosen up. Have some fun.”

  I push it back. “I don’t drink.”

  Trisha scoffs, and Jake rolls his eyes. “Just one isn’t going to kill you,” he promises as he takes my hand and curls it around the cup. “It won’t even get you drunk. It’ll just buzz you enough to help you relax.”

  Spencer sighs. “He’s definitely destined to be king of his frat house someday. Why do you hang out with these people, Bay? They’re all jerks. You don’t even really like them. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go hang out with Wes. I can show you where he lives, and I guarantee he won’t try to shove you full of beer and grope you to bad techno music.”

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Spencer’s driving me as crazy as Jake is at the moment. I try to tune him out and focus on answering Jake. “It’s not that, okay? Spencer died in a drunk-driving accident. I don’t drink.”

  Trisha groans at the mention of Spencer. “Oh great, here we go. It only took her fifteen seconds. Spare us your Spencer moping.”

  The insult stings. “I wasn’t moping. I just don’t want to drink.”

  “Trisha!” Liz hisses.

  Trisha glares at her. “What? We’re all thinking it. You were the one just saying you can’t stand how she always—”

  “Chill, Trisha!” Chase interrupts before Trisha can finish her sentence. It’s clear he really doesn’t want me to hear whatever she was about to say.

  I glance at Liz, startled to learn that she was talking about me behind my back. I’d expect it from Trisha, but not Liz. Liz won’t meet my gaze, making the knot in my stomach grows tighter. With a quick look around, I realize it’s not just Liz. None of my friends will make eye contact. I don’t understand. Do they all hate me? Why was it so important that I come tonight if none of them really want me here?

  “Hey, you promised me a dance,” Chase says. I’d been dreading having to dance with him tonight, but when he offers me his hand, I gratefully accept it and let him drag me back into the house.

  The music has slowed down, so Chase lifts my hands around his neck and pulls me close. He’s smiling at me as we begin to sway with the song, but I still feel awful. “I wasn’t trying to be a buzzkill. I just didn’t want a drink, and Jake wouldn’t stop—”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Chase says. “Jake was being an idiot because he’s drunk, and Trisha’s just pissed that you actually showed up because if you start acting like your old self again, she’s not going to be queen bee anymore.” He chuckles. “I think she’s afraid that with you and me dating, she and Jake won’t be voted as junior class homecoming prince and princess.”

  My stomach clenches again. “What?”

  Chase laughs at my shock and pulls me even tighter against him. “Trisha’s horrible to people, and Jake has played half the girls in school. Who would vote for them when they could vote for us?”

  I shake my head. “That’s not what I meant.” How can I say it without hurting his feelings? “Chase…you and I are really good friends, right?”

  Chase’s gaze falls to my lips. “We could be more.”

  I step back, sighing. Chase lets me put some space between us, but he holds onto my hand. He stares down at his thumb as he rubs it over the back of my hand. After a heartbeat of silence, he looks up and pins me with an unrelenting stare. “I really like you, Bailey.”

  “I like you, too, Chase. You’re a really nice guy, and you’ve been so supportive this past year. It’s meant a lot to me.”

  “So let it mean something even more. Go out with me.” When I start to refuse, he cuts me off. “It’s been a year. How much time do you need? I
understand you’re probably scared to get into another relationship after what happened, but maybe if you just take the plunge, you’ll surprise yourself. Give me a chance.”

  I close my eyes again because I can’t gather my thoughts while looking into his soft green eyes, so filled with determination. He’s being sweet, and it’s making this moment so much worse. Eyes still clenched shut, I shake my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  With a pathetic attempt to smile, I take Chase’s hands in mine and give them a small squeeze that’s meant to be apologetic. “You’re not him,” I whisper.

  Chase stiffens. I know how that sounds, but I don’t know what else to say. All I can offer him is a helpless shrug. “You’re a great guy, but I’ve never had those kinds of feelings for anyone but him. I know how long it’s been, and I know I should be dating again, but I don’t know how to make myself like anyone else.”

  My speech doesn’t deflate Chase the way I expect it to. Instead, determination fills him. He leans forward to kiss me. I try to back away, but he reaches up and holds my face close to his. He’s confident but not aggressive. He’s not trying to force himself on me; he’s just not letting me run. “Please?” he asks. “Just try it?”

  I decide to go for it. I relax and let him kiss me. I even make an honest effort to kiss him back. I know everyone—my friends, my family, Dr. Moscowitz, even Spencer—wants me to move on. They’d all be happy if I started dating again. Chase isn’t a bad guy. He’s hot, he’s nice, and he’s considerate most of the time. He’s always been faithful to his previous girlfriends.

  I could do worse, so I try to be objective. I try to enjoy this kiss, but it feels wrong. I stop, and Chase pulls back instantly, a hopeful question in his eyes. I wish I could tell him what he wants to hear, but I can’t. There’s nothing there. Not even a hint of a spark. “I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing?”

  I shrug helplessly and shake my head. “Maybe I’m broken. I gave Spencer my whole heart. Maybe he took it with him when he left.”

  “I’m so sorry, Bay,” Spencer whispers. His voice is clouded with emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you. Don’t give up. Chase isn’t the answer, but you’re not broken. You’ll figure it out.”

  Spencer’s words make my eyes sting, so I close them again and turn my head away from Chase. “I’m sorry, Chase. You’re a good friend, but we can’t be anything more than that.”

  I hate the look on Chase’s face. I’ve hurt him—embarrassed, rejected, and disappointed him—but he takes it in stride and doesn’t lash out. “I should go,” I murmur when he doesn’t say anything.

  His eyes darken and his jaw clenches. “Whatever,” he finally mumbles. “I’m going to get a drink. I’ll see you later, Bailey.”

  He stomps off toward the backyard, pushing anyone aside who doesn’t get out of his way fast enough. I don’t blame him for being upset. “That could have gone a lot worse,” I mutter.

  “True,” Spencer agrees. “I expected more drama than that.”

  “He’s not a bad guy,” I whisper.

  Spencer rolls his eyes. “He’s a tool. You deserve more. Come on, let’s find Julia and get out of here.”

  I give him a subtle nod. He’s right. It’s time to go. I spot Julia on the other side of the room. She’s sitting on a couch next to Colin, and he’s got his arm around her, leaning in really close as they talk. She looks so happy that I don’t have the heart to ruin her night. There’s only an hour before we have to leave to be home by our curfew, so I find an empty chair and settle in to wait it out.

  Spencer sighs when he realizes what I’m doing. “I hope Julia knows she has the coolest big sister in the world.”

  It doesn’t take Liz long to find me. She’s buzzing with so much anger when she barrels through the crowded living room, dragging all of our friends behind her, that everyone stops to watch the scene. Someone even has the nerve to turn down the music. “What did you do?” she demands as the crowd parts the way for her.

  “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.”

  “I mean Chase. He’s outside, drinking himself into oblivion, and snapping at anyone who comes near him.”

  I stand up, hoping that we can take this conversation someplace private, but she’s not having it. She folds her arms and plants her feet right in front of me—not going anywhere. “You blew him off! Didn’t you?”

  I don’t understand why she wants to humiliate me, but it’s clear that she does. The way she’s yelling, I know she means to make everyone in the room hear this entire conversation. She wants to cause a scene.

  “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings,” I say, pleading for understanding. “I was as nice as I could be about it.”

  “Chase really likes you. He’s liked you forever. He wants you to be his girlfriend. How could you break his heart like that?”

  I’m shocked, I’m hurt, and I’m too stressed out to keep my temper under control. “I don’t want to be his girlfriend!” I snap. “What was I supposed to do? I talked to him. I let him kiss me. I tried to be open-minded about the idea, but I just don’t like him that way. I’m not ready to date anyone yet.”

  Fire flashes in Liz’s eyes, and she clenches her hands into fists. “That’s it!” she screams. “We are so done with you! Ever since Spencer died, you’ve become the biggest freaking drama queen, and everyone is sick of it. You’re too absorbed in your own problems to care about your friends anymore. Oh, poor me. Spencer this, Spencer that. I’m so depressed. My life is over. Everybody pity me. You think you’re the only one who was hurt? You think you’re the only one who cares about him or misses him? You aren’t. We all liked him. But life freaking moves on. Spencer’s been dead for a year, Bailey. Get over it!”

  Trisha pushes Liz aside so that she can have her turn getting in my face. “She can’t get over it because it was her fault.”

  Her words make my blood freeze. It was my fault, but nobody knows that. The only reason she’d even think to say something like that is if she somehow knows the truth. But she couldn’t know. No one knows besides Wes and me, and there’s no way Wes told anyone what happened that night.

  My worst nightmare comes true as Trisha pushes me in the chest and says, “You cheated on him. I saw you that night with Wes.”

  The whole room gasps in shock. My deepest, darkest secret has finally surfaced. She doesn’t have the whole story, but she has enough. My silence is enough to convict me in the eyes of everyone in the room.

  Trisha calms down a little now that she’s dropped her bomb, but it’s not out of compassion. She’s satisfied that she’s managed to hurt me. She’s not finished, either. “Spencer got drunk and drove off that night because of you. You were cheating on him with his best friend.”

  I shake my head. “No, I wasn’t. Wes and I would never hurt Spencer like that. You don’t know what you saw that night.”

  “I saw enough. I saw you with his tongue in your mouth.”

  There’s another round of gasps, and this time people start whispering. None of them bother to hide their disgust. Trisha and I both look around the room at all the shocked and angry faces, and then she glares at me with her mouth twisted into a cruel smile. “You always thought you were so much better than everyone else, but your perfect relationship with your stupid nerd was a big, fat lie. You’re just as shallow as the rest of us. Only you’re worse. You’re a fake. A poser. You’re a hypocrite.”

  “I’m not. That’s not what happened. You don’t understand,” I say, though I know there’s no point in defending myself. No one will ever believe me. They don’t want to believe me.

  Worse than anything is the fact that Spencer is standing right next to me, hearing all of this. He hasn’t said anything since Trisha brought up my kiss with Wes, but it has to be hurting him.

  “You act like you’re so devastated because you loved him so much, but you just feel guilty for killing him. You broke his heart, and now he’s dead because of you.”
<
br />   She stops talking and looks at me as if waiting for me to deny it, but I can’t defend myself. She’s right. I did love him, more than anything in the world, but I know the reason I’m so broken over his death is because I caused it. I will live with that guilt all my life.

  “Bailey, that’s not true,” Spencer finally whispers. The urgency in his voice brings me to the brink of tears. “It wasn’t your fault. I was the one who—”

  “It was my fault!” I scream at him. I glance around the room, eyes finally glistening, and shake my head at everyone judging me. “I wasn’t cheating on Spencer. I loved him more than anything, but he is dead because of me.” I glare at Trisha and lower my voice. “You’re right. I can’t get over it, because I shouldn’t. I deserve to feel like this. Are you happy now?”

  I can’t stand to be here for another second, and I’m pretty sure none of them want me here, either, so I do a walk of shame and leave Jake’s house without another word. I don’t look at anyone as I leave, and no one tries to stop me from going. Nobody says a word.

  As I start my car and take a deep breath, Julia slides silently into the passenger seat. I’d forgotten she was even here. I feel terrible because I’ve probably just ruined her reputation as badly as I’ve destroyed my own. “I’m sorry.” The apology isn’t enough, but I don’t know what else I can do.

  Julia’s face is ashen, and when she speaks she can barely manage a whisper. “Is it true? Did you and Wes…?”

  It hurts that she’s not sure. “It’s not what she thinks, but she didn’t lie about anything.”

  “What happened?”

  I can’t answer her. Everything is too raw to talk about right now, too close to the surface. “It doesn’t matter,” I say as I start the car and pull away from Jake’s house. People are still watching out the windows. They stare until I drive around the corner. “I can’t change anything.”

  “I know how much you loved Spencer. You would never have been unfaithful. Whatever happened, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.”

  “Intentional or not, what happened, happened.”