The Ghost of You and Me

by Kelly Oram

  “But people might ease up on you if they understood.”

  I shake my head. “No, they wouldn’t. They’ll hate me no matter what.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  I look my sister straight in the eye and tell her the truth. “Because I hate me. Wes hates me, too. It was my fault.”

  Julia doesn’t say another word the rest of the way home, though she sneaks worried glances at me. Spencer tries to console me, but his assurances that it wasn’t my fault, that he doesn’t blame me, and that he loves me only make me feel worse. I try to ignore him, and when I get home, I go straight to bed.

  . . . . .

  I have nightmares all night long. I relive that night a hundred different times before my alarm goes off the next morning, and then I oversleep. I have to rush to get to the hospital on time. When I get there, my hair is tied back in a still-wet ponytail and I’m not wearing any makeup, but I’m on time. Wes and Regina are standing at the nurses station waiting for me. Regina’s smile leaves her face when she sees me. “Everything okay?”

  “I’m fine. I just slept in. Sorry.”

  Wes isn’t convinced. “Bailey, what is it?”

  “I’m fine! I just didn’t sleep well last night.” As if the dark circles beneath my eyes haven’t already informed them of that fact. “What are we doing today?” I ask to break the awkward silence. “Please, please, please, no giving shots.”

  Regina forces a nervous chuckle, but Wes continues to watch me with a frown on his face. “You’re in luck,” Regina says. “We’re on lunch duty today.”

  “Lunch?” I frown. “It’s only nine thirty in the morning.”

  Regina chuckles again, this time feeling more comfortable. The awkwardness has officially passed. “Lunch is a process here. Nearly every patient is on a special diet. First, we’ll go room to room collecting the patient’s menu cards, and I’ll show you how to check them with their charts for any dietary restrictions. Then we’ll go down to the cafeteria and put together the trays. Trust me, it’ll be lunchtime before we’re ready to deliver any food.”

  “Wow. Complicated.”

  “It’s not the most exciting job you’ll ever do, but it’s not bad work, either. There’s no blood, no needles, and hopefully no vomiting.” Regina laughs at my startled expression. “Chemo meds and eating don’t always mix very well, but we’re just dropping the food off, so we should be safe.”

  I let out a breath. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I can handle that.”

  “You’ll be fine. I promise. It’s actually kind of fun. You get to say hi to everyone, and they’re generally happy to see you. Plus, it makes the time fly by.” Regina gathers up her clipboard off the nurse’s counter and nods toward the long hallway of patient rooms. As she walks off, she grins at Wes and gives him a wink. “Come on, I promised Rosie we’d start with her.”

  I follow Wes and Regina down the hall, beyond curious to meet this Rosie person that everybody loves to tease Wes about so much. The way he squirms every time her name is mentioned is the most adorable thing in the world. Whatever little girl here has completely fallen for him, I can’t blame her.

  Rosie’s hospital room door is open, but Regina gives a soft knock and waits for an okay before entering. “Rosie?”

  “Come in!”

  The voice is weak but in good spirits, and it’s not as young as I’m expecting. I lag behind a little as Regina and Wes step up to Rosie’s bedside.

  “Wes!”

  “Hey, Rosie.”

  Rosie is not the six-year-old I was imagining. I can’t tell exactly how old she is, but it’s very close to my sixteen years. And she’s pretty. She’s pale as death, bald, and too thin, but she has sparkling pale blue eyes and a beautiful smile.

  Beaming at Wes with a look of utter infatuation, she scoots over even though the action looks painful and pats the edge of the bed. Wes doesn’t hesitate to sit. “I got your note,” she says, flushing. “I was bummed I missed you.”

  Wes lets out a breath. “I didn’t want to wake you. Your mom said you’ve been having a rough week.”

  Wes lifts the statement into a question, probing for information. He’s genuinely worried about this girl. I suddenly wonder if she’s his girlfriend. He clearly cares about her. Maybe that’s why everyone in the cancer ward knows him. Because he comes to visit his dying girlfriend like a faithful, loving, devoted boyfriend should. The thought endears me to him and leaves a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time.

  When Rosie closes her eyes and nods, Wes takes a deep breath and forces some cheer into his voice. “Well,” he says, “Nurse Wes is on the job now, and I’m going to have you feeling better in no time.”

  I stifle a smile, but Rosie giggles freely. “Nurse Wes?”

  “I’m in the scrubs, aren’t I?”

  Rosie looks him over again in his hospital uniform, and another blush spreads across her cheeks. “Yeah, you are.”

  Wes smiles. “That makes it official, then. And as your nurse, our first order of business—you’re going to eat for me today.” Wes reaches over and plucks a small white paper from the bedside table and gives it a quick scan. “What do we have here? Looks like chicken and rice or the turkey sandwich.” When Rosie scrunches up her face, Wes flicks her on the end of her nose. “Don’t look at me like that. You need to eat, even if it makes you feel sick.”

  He’s so sweet that my chest constricts just watching him. Now I can see the Wes I grew up with—the one that Spencer adored and admired. Why can he be like this with everyone except me? How could such a good guy hate me so much just for being his best friend’s girlfriend?

  Before I really lose myself in misery, Rosie lets out a sigh. “I can’t. I’m fasting. I have to go do some scans in a little while.”

  Wes’s smile vanishes. “Scans?”

  Rosie’s eyes start to shine as she gazes up at him. “I got some test results back yesterday. It’s not good.”

  “Oh, Rosie.” Wes wraps her up in a hug, and she clings to him. “Whatever it is, I’m here, okay?”

  Rosie nods, letting a few tears escape onto his shoulder. I’m uncomfortable watching this, but I don’t want to draw attention to myself by stepping out of the room. Regina must feel the same way, because she shuffles her weight from one foot to the other and clears her throat to get Rosie and Wes’s attention.

  Wes’s gaze drifts to her and then over to me as if he’s only just remembering I’m in the room. He quickly looks away, frowning. I can’t tell if he’s embarrassed or just annoyed that I’m here to get a glimpse into his mysterious personal life.

  “Rosie, when do you have to go for your scans?” Regina asks.

  “In about ten minutes.”

  “Who’s taking you down?”

  “Melinda.”

  Regina nods her head at Wes. “Would you like Wes to go with you?”

  Both Wes and Rosie glance up at Regina, surprised. Rosie’s eyes double in size. “Can he?”

  Regina’s answering smile is proud. “Sure. He’s an intern now. Staff.” She taps her ID badge. Wes and I both received our own on our first day. “Escorting patients is part of his job. I’m sure Melinda won’t mind showing him the proper procedure.”

  Rosie turns to Wes with a hopeful expression. “Will you go with me?”

  “Of course I will.” He glances up at Regina again. “If it’s really okay. You don’t need me?”

  Regina throws her arm over my shoulder. “I think Bailey and I can get lunch started on our own.”

  Rosie’s head snaps in my direction. “Bailey?” She turns to Wes. “Spencer’s Bailey?”

  I’m startled by this girl’s familiarity with me. As she studies me through narrowed eyes, I look to Wes for answers. “I talk about Spencer a lot,” he mutters. He can’t hold my gaze and looks away as he reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “It’s hard to tell a story about him that doesn’t include you.”

  “More like impossible,” Rosie grumbles, shooting m
e a nasty look. Her sweet disposition has turned to barely concealed hostility. This girl does not like me. Not one bit. She takes note of my scrubs, and her jaw falls open. “She got an internship, too? You have to work together now?”

  “Rosie, what the hell?” Wes mutters, glancing up at me with a floundering expression.

  I stumble backward, feeling as if I’ve been steamrolled. I can only imagine the kinds of things he’s said about me to make a total stranger hate me so much when she’s never even met me. I did not need this today. After the party last night and then the endless nightmares, I have no patience left. “Yup, that’s me,” I say to Rosie with a bitter smile. “The evil girl who stole Spencer from Wes and then got him killed. Thanks for reminding me.”

  Wes’s face drains of all color, and he jumps to his feet. “Bay, wait—”

  “Don’t call me that!” I can’t bear hearing my nickname from him. My eyes start to burn, and I whirl around to face Regina. “I’ll meet you outside.”

  I hurry out of the room before anyone can respond and lean up against the wall. My eyes drift shut, and I do nothing but breathe deep, slow breaths until I can get a grip on my emotions.

  “Bailey?” Regina stands next to me with her hand outstretched, as if she wants to touch me but isn’t sure she should.

  I try to smile at her. “I’m sorry. That was so unprofessional of me. I promise it won’t happen again.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t know what got into Rosie. She’s usually really cool. I’m sure she’s just stressed out about her tests today. It’s not looking good for her.”

  “That makes me feel even worse about losing my temper.” I let out a heavy breath and scrub my face with my hands. “Maybe you were right about Wes and me. Maybe we shouldn’t work together. I obviously can’t deal with it.”

  Regina sighs. “Wes’s going with Melinda to take Rosie for her scans—I’m sure she won’t mind keeping him for the rest of the day—but I don’t think you need to be separated permanently.”

  She laughs at the disbelieving look on my face. “You’re obviously dealing with something big right now. You had a bad night, and I’m sure what happened in there is not normal for you.”

  “It’s not,” I promise. I’m still horrified by the outburst. I snapped at a dying girl.

  She smiles again. “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Wes. He’s being uncharacteristically tight-lipped about it.”

  My jaw drops in dread. “You asked him about me?”

  “After that first encounter? Are you kidding?” She laughs, shrugging shamelessly. “How could I not? I’ve never seen Wes act like that before. I think everyone on the entire floor has tried to get the secret out of him, but he’s not talking. Not for anything.”

  I blanch. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I’ll never be able to face anyone here at the hospital ever again.

  “The only thing I do know about it,” Regina continues, ignoring my distress, “is that whatever the problem is, Wes is miserable over it. I can’t stand to see him sad about anything. He has enough to deal with. He doesn’t need to be beating himself up over you on top of it. Whatever is going on, you guys need to work it out, and that’s not going to happen if I split you up. Dr. Moscowitz brought you both here for a reason.”

  I’m stunned all over again. “What does Dr. Moscowitz have to do with any of this?”

  It’s Regina’s turn to be confused. She blinks at me and frowns. “He was the one who asked if he could have the two of you come here. He had to pull some major strings to get you guys here.”

  I rear back a little. “That can’t be right. I know he recommended us for the internship program, but—”

  Regina shakes her head. “There was no internship program through the school. The hospital created the positions just for you guys as a favor for Dr. Moscowitz.”

  “They what?”

  “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not a problem. The hospital always needs volunteers. We’re all very happy to have you guys here. Dr. Moscowitz just didn’t think either of you would come if he simply asked you to, so he made everything official with your school to give you incentive. If you ask me, you both really lucked out. Volunteering is one thing, but receiving an official internship will look so much better on college applications. We’ll probably keep the program running after you both leave.”

  I have to sit down. I fall back against the wall and slide to the floor as I process this information. “He set us up?” I blink up at Regina. “Dr. Moscowitz went through all that just to get Wes and me to spend time together?”

  Regina grins as if she thinks the devious plan is the most ingenious thing she’s ever heard of. “That’s the latest gossip in the break room, anyway. And if it’s true—which is likely, considering we’ve never had high school interns here in the cancer center before—then it must be really important that you and Wes work out your issues.”

  She gives me another brilliant smile and adds, “Take today to get through whatever it is you’re dealing with, but I’m not splitting the two of you up. You’re a big girl and Wes is a big boy. You guys can handle it.”

  She gives me a minute to get over my shock and then holds out a hand. “Come on, lunch isn’t going to prepare itself.”

  I let her pull me to my feet, and that’s the last we have of that conversation for the rest of the morning.

  I go through my day in a mindless daze. It’s a relief not to be working right alongside Wes, but it’s disappointing at the same time. Whenever I pass him, he meets my gaze with an expression that doesn’t make sense. He’s never been concerned about me before; why should he be now? At least the work I’m doing is easy. I don’t really have to think about much.

  “Bailey?”

  From the look on Regina’s face, she’s tried to get my attention several times. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “I think you have a visitor.” She points toward the floor’s main reception area where Charlotte is standing at the nurses station, fidgeting and watching me with worry. She waves nervously. I’m surprised to see her, but so touched that my eyes gloss over. Seeing my reaction, Regina nods in Charlotte’s direction. “Why don’t you take a ten-minute break?”

  I swallow more emotion, grateful for her kindness. “Thanks. I’ll be quick.”

  Charlotte meets me halfway and envelops me in a hug without saying anything, as if we’ve been best friends our entire lives. I need the support so badly I squeeze her as hard as I can.

  “Julia called and told me everything. I had to come check on you. They’re wretched,” she insists. “I hate them all on your behalf.”

  The declaration makes me laugh, and I smile for the first time all day. “Thank you. But if you want to make any friends at school, you might want to sneak out of here before someone hears that you were talking to me. I’m pretty sure this visit could get you on both Trisha’s and Liz’s blacklists.”

  Charlotte waves dismissively. “I’ve been on Trisha’s blacklist since the second I showed up at Columbia. Who cares? She’s a nightmare, and Liz is only slightly less awful. I can’t believe they said all that about you last night.”

  I shrug. “They were right. It wasn’t what they assume, but there was a kiss. Now the whole school thinks they know what happened, and they’re all going to hate me and blame me as much as Wes does.” I swallow a lump that’s formed in my throat, and my voice starts to shake. “I’m never going to get away from Spencer’s death.”

  Charlotte pulls me into her arms and hugs me again. I sink into the embrace.

  “Bailey.”

  Charlotte and I both jump at the sound of Wes’s voice. I scramble out of Charlotte’s arms and try to smooth out my expression before facing Wes. He rubs his hand over his head as he frowns at me—an action, I’ve decided, he does habitually when he’s frustrated. “What are you talking about?”

  When I don’t say anything, Charlotte puts an arm around my shoulders and holds her other hand out to Wes. “She had a bad night,
but she’ll be fine. Hi. I’m Charlotte.”

  Wes reluctantly pulls his eyes from me to Charlotte, and his eyebrows climb up his forehead. “Charlotte Mitchell?”

  It doesn’t surprise me that Wes recognizes Charlotte. He knows everything about football, and especially about his favorite team, which Charlotte’s dad is the star of. He and Spencer were crazy about football since long before I met them. They spent hours watching games, talking statistics, throwing around a ball, and fighting over trading cards. As soon as they were old enough, they both joined the football team. Spencer was too scrawny to be anything but a kicker. He was good at it, though, and he loved it. Wes was quite the athlete, and with his speed, he was a great wide receiver. I went to every single one of their football games.

  “Ah, a true Jets fan,” Charlotte says, pulling me out of my memory. She winks at him and grins at me. “Only the diehards ever recognize me.”

  Wes glances away from us. His shyness is so adorable that Charlotte makes a swooning face at me while he’s not looking. “Yes, I’m Charlotte Mitchell,” she says to Wes with a smile that would put anyone at ease. She holds out her hand again. “And you are…?” She knows who he is, but I’m grateful she plays innocent.

  Wes finally takes her hand and shakes it. “Wes Delaney.”

  “Nice to meet you. I saw you at school the other day, right?”

  Wes glances at me and nods uneasily. Charlotte has heard all the rumors, of course, and she boldly asks the question that everyone at Columbia High wants the answer to. “How come I haven’t seen you since then? Do you not go to our school?”

  He sneaks another peek at me, and for a moment I don’t think he’ll answer her, but then he shrugs. “I do online school through CHS. I was just turning in some forms the other day.”

  Online school? That’s the big secret? No dropping out, transferring, or juvie? He just decided to do homeschool after Spencer’s death? The students at CHS would be so disappointed if they knew.

  “That’s cool,” Charlotte says. “I used to do that. I traveled with my dad so I didn’t have much of a choice, but I was pretty lonely, so I begged him to let me try high school this year. If not for Bailey, I think I’d have already quit. There are a lot of real jerks at our school.” She turns to me suddenly and gives me a serious look. “Jerks, Bailey. All of them. And not worth your time or your stress.”