For the Love of Alex

by J. E. Hopkins

  Leah blushed. “I am one of many lucky reporters that have the honor to work for your paper. It’s been such a great experience for me in such a short time.”

  “Flattery, my dear, will get you everywhere with me.” Deverson paused as his attention focused on something behind Leah.

  She turned around to see what had captured his attention and realized it was the face that had seized hers when she was a child. It was as if everyone had stopped to look at Alex. He was the male version of Helen of Troy. Such an outwardly divine force of nature.

  “Who is that gift from the gods and I hope that is a gift for me?” Deverson purred.

  Leah tried not to laugh, but his unabashed gawking at Alex was quite amusing. Alex’s perplexed reaction was even more delightful. He never understood his appeal to both sexes. Alex didn’t see his inner or outer beauty. That was part of the problem. He just saw the ugliness of addiction reflecting back at him.

  Alex stood next to Leah and reached for her hand. His hand was very clammy and his skin felt so unusually warm, especially since the room was actually quite cold.

  “Alex, I would like you to meet Mr. Grant Deverson. Mr. Deverson, this is my Alex.” She knew she sounded possessive, but with all these wealthy people staring at Alex, she wanted everyone to know that flawed or not, he was hers and off limits to all these lustful eyes.

  Deverson flashed his teeth in a lecherous smile as he shook Alex’s hand. Leah could see Alex struggle to hide his discomfort, but be played along nicely as if the obvious flirtation was not making him uncomfortable.

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. Deverson. You have a lovely home.”

  “Not as lovely as you,” Grant winked as he slapped Alex on the back with his free hand. “I’m just teasing you, my boy. Well, not really, but I can see you are taken by this beautiful, young, talented woman. I would never interfere with young love unless you wanted me to interfere. Then I would gladly teach you some new tricks from an old experienced dog.”

  “Oh, Leah teaches me plenty of new tricks. We’ve had years of practice.”

  “Alex!” Leah elbowed him in the ribs. She didn’t want everyone to think she was easy or something. She may have been sexually active at a young age with Alex, but she had only been with him.

  “Sorry, she’s a bit shy at times.”

  “No reason to be shy about the art of love,” Deverson replied. “You should write more stories about that, ma petite. You should write about young passion instead of the malignancy of drugs. What inspired such a morose topic? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good topic to write about and the public is definitely interested in what you have to say, but for someone so young, you should never know about things so glum. You should write about this glorious man. Those stories would appeal even more. The world loves a good story about love and sex. I bet you have a few good stories to tell, darling.”

  “She does write about me,” Alex explained. “I am the inspiration for her blog.”

  “Alex!” What was he thinking, she wondered? He couldn’t possibly be so bold as to announce his drug use to her boss, to all these wealthy strangers at this reception. He was acting so strange ever since the extended trip to the bathroom. And in that moment she knew the truth that she wanted to deny, but it was in every word Alex uttered. It was in his eyes. Her fears had come true.

  “Was that a secret, babe? Sorry. I figured everyone knew why you wrote so passionately about addiction.” Alex grabbed a glass of wine from a nearby waiter and drank it all in one long gulp. “I hope I didn’t embarrass you by mentioning it. You said you weren’t ashamed of me.”

  The color leached from Leah’s face. She couldn’t believe that Alex would reveal such a thing in front of her employers. Everything had been going so well and all of a sudden he just ruined it. To her dismay, he wasn’t done.

  “Well, I hope addiction is part of your past and not your present. You are too young for such a plight,” Deverson responded calmly, as if Alex’s words had not fazed him. “I once had a similar struggle, but that was many years ago. I would never want to go back to that time. You shouldn’t go back either.”

  “Those days are over for me as well. It had its good moment though, but I had to give it up. It wasn’t good for my Leah and it certainly isn’t good for our baby.”

  Leah was paralyzed. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. She just listened to this exchange as if Alex and Deverson were talking about a stranger rather than discussing a life that she tried so hard to separate from work.

  She wanted to ask Alex to stop, but no words escaped her lips. All she could do was watch this unfold around her while she stood helplessly by and listened to Alex destroy her career with each inappropriate word.

  “You two have a child?” Deverson questioned.

  “Not yet, but soon we will,” Alex said as he patted Leah’s stomach. He glanced at Marcus, who was standing next to Leah. “I can’t wait for the little bugger to make an appearance. We’ve always wanted children. Hopefully this will be one of many to come.”

  “Wonderful!” Deverson applauded. “We shall celebrate. Let’s have a toast to the parents to be.” Everyone raised their glasses and congratulated Alex and Leah.

  There was no celebration for Leah. She felt dizzy. She needed fresh air and to escape this crowd of people. She couldn’t face Marcus and see the look of surprise on his face. She had planned tell him in person, not with some public announcement in the home of her most senior boss.

  “How could you do this, Alex?” She spoke so low that he could barely hear her, but she knew he did. It was in his eyes that never lied, even when his mouth struggled to speak the truth.

  “What did I do other than tell the truth? Why would you want to keep it a secret? Why don’t you want these people to know or rather Marcus to know that you are carrying my baby? You are carrying my baby, right?”

  The coldness of his expression was more than she could bear. She turned away and pushed through the crowd until she found the elevator. The door opened immediately and she stepped in. She tried to shut the door, but Alex followed her and it opened for him. She clutched her waist and allowed the tears she held back to finally release.

  “Why would you intentionally hurt me like that? What did I do to deserve that from you?”

  Alex stood there like a statue, refusing to face her, which angered her more.

  “Damn you, speak to me! You bastard, say something!”

  “You’re right. I’m a bastard. That’s the first time I ever heard you call me one, though.”

  She would not allow him to make her feel guilty. She had every right to be angry with him after the stunt he just pulled. “You know what I mean. You acted like a complete ass tonight. Why would you announce the baby like that when I didn’t get a chance to tell my boss? He should have heard it from me and not in front of a crowd of strangers. Don’t you know that this could jeopardize my job? A job I desperately need because I am the only one supporting us these days. You just quit your job because it bored you, but I need to work to make a life for myself and my child. I don’t have the luxury to be a selfish asshole like you.” The elevator door opened to the lobby and Leah stormed out, but Alex was right on her heels. She paused outside the building, needing to release her anger more. “Why the hell would you announce to my boss that you are an addict? What were you thinking? Are you high now, because that’s the only explanation I can see for your behavior.”

  He just looked at her and she knew without a doubt. The long trip to the bathroom and the change of personality once he returned. He took something. “Oh my God. You’re using, aren’t you?”

  “I am not going to fight with you on a public street corner, Leah. We can discuss this when we get home.”

  “I am not going anywhere with you until you tell me the truth. Are you using?”

  “No. I just had a few drinks to calm my nerves. I probably shouldn’t have, but I never struggled with alcohol so I figured drinking was no big deal. I guess I was wron
g.”

  “Why drink so much tonight? What’s going on in your head? Help me understand this, because right now none of this makes sense.”

  “I wanted to fit in and not feel like you’re embarrassment that you have to keep hidden in Queens. I ended up embarrassing you anyway, I know. I wasn’t trying to, though. It bothers me that you are ashamed of my addiction, ashamed of me. I didn’t want to be your secret shame so I figured let the cat out the bag and end the secrecy. I mentioned the baby because I was thrilled about it. I want to tell the world.”

  Leah wasn’t buying it. “Did you want to tell the world or just make sure Marcus knew?”

  Alex shrugged. “Both, but I never thought your job could be in jeopardy because of it. You can’t fire someone for getting pregnant.”

  “Maybe, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to derail a career.”

  “If Marcus is the man you think he is, then he won’t hold a child against you and if he does, you are better off without him.”

  “That wasn’t for you to decide.”

  Leah started walking to the nearest train station. Alex reached for her hand, but she pulled away. It was going to be a long ride back to Queens, and an even longer day at work tomorrow when she would have to face Marcus and the relive the humiliation of this evening.

  There was more to Alex’s story, and she knew it to her core. He was hiding something from her. She didn’t believe for one second that it was just alcohol that contributed to his loose lips tonight. This was a painful reminder of other times when Alex’s addiction controlled him and he lost control because of it.

  She couldn’t face this tonight. All she wanted was her bed and bury herself in a blissful sleep where she could dream of the life she wished she was living rather than the one that she couldn’t escape.

  As soon as they walked into the door, her cellphone rang. She was going to ignore it, but she checked the caller ID and saw it was Marcus. Avoiding this until tomorrow wasn’t an option after all.

  “Hey, Marcus.”

  “Leah.”

  She didn’t know what to say and by the silence on the other side, he was at a loss for words as well. You know it’s bad when two journalists don’t know what to say, Leah mused.

  Finally, she broke the awkward silence. “I’m so sorry about tonight. I had every intention of telling you about the pregnancy. I just found out about it yesterday. I didn’t expect Alex to announce it like that. I didn’t want you to hear about it that way. I want you to know that this will not impact my work. I can do my job no problem, and I don’t plan to take a long maternity leave. I will be back to work before you can miss me and nothing has to change.” She knew she was rambling, but she feared letting him speak as he might say something she couldn’t bear to hear.

  He wouldn’t wait a moment longer. “Leah, stop! Take a breath. You have to calm down. I am no expert on pregnancy, but I know stress isn’t good for you or for the baby. Look, I’m not upset that you didn’t tell me. Okay, I was at first, but now I understand so it’s not an issue. You also don’t need to worry about your job. I would never penalize you for having a baby.”

  “Thank you so much, Marcus.”

  “No need to thank me. I’m just more concerned about you. Alex…Alex clearly has problems and despite what he said about once being an addict, I have concerns that he might still be one. Be careful, Leah. It’s not my place to interfere in your life, but I want you to know if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. You’re my employee but I also consider you a friend. I’m sorry for saying this, but looking at your situation, I think you’re going to need a friend.” He paused for a moment before saying good night and ending the call.

  Leah closed her eyes. She wanted to feel relieved that her job was safe, but she couldn’t forget Marcus’s words which confirmed her own fears. Deep inside, she knew Alex’s battle with addiction was far from over. It may have just started all over again or maybe it had never really ended.

  IV

  The following week she sought solace from work and threw herself into her research for her next piece. She was so relieved to be at work. It felt safer than at home.

  Marcus was cordial to her as usual, but things were somewhat uncomfortable between them. She hated the fact that he knew so much about her struggles. She wanted to project this calm, controlled façade that her mother had mastered, but reality shredded her false image thanks to Alex’s ill-timed revelation of his addiction.

  She thought about how her mother would have handled this. Her estranged mother had been on her mind a lot lately. Ever since she found out she was pregnant. She already felt a deep connection to her child. She wondered if her mother had ever felt anything like that for her. And if she did, why did it end? There was no point dwelling on it. She was going focus on her life and making sure she provided the best life she could for her baby. She just hoped she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

  Alex’s behavior was too similar to the past, when heroin was the only thing that mattered to him. He was staying out late again, claiming to be looking for a job or doing odd jobs for people to make extra cash. She wasn’t so blinded by love to believe that he was working at 2am.

  She was avoiding the inevitable confrontation they would have to have about his drug use. She couldn’t hide from this forever. She spent too many years running from the problem, and that caused was the problem to escalate. This time there was too much to lose and too much to protect. She might have been willing to condemn herself to a life with an addict, but she refused to subject her child to that life. No child deserved that.

  She left work around six and before she could get into her apartment door, her phone was ringing. She dropped her bags and checked the caller ID. To her surprise, it was Dr. Lechter.

  “Dr. Lechter? How are you?”

  “Fine, Leah. The more important question is how are you?”

  She wished she knew how to answer that question. She went with the safe answer. “I’m okay.”

  “That’s good. I got your test results and we can officially rule out an ulcer or stomach cancer. In fact, you are doing pretty well but there was one area of concern. There were some signs of protein in your urine. That’s not totally uncommon, but it was a little more than I would like to see. Also, considering your nausea and elevated blood pressure, I have some concerns that you may be at risk of preeclampsia.”

  That didn’t sound good. “What does that mean?”

  “It’s a potentially serious condition that could complicate your pregnancy, but it’s still very early and usually this is not an issue until later in the pregnancy, so for now we will just monitor your progress. If you start feeling any worse, call my office immediately. Just keep taking your vitamins and try not to get too stressed.”

  How could she not be stressed after this news? “Of course, doctor.”

  “Leah, I hate to bring this up, but I feel I must. I don’t want to upset you. I just told you to avoid stress and now I’m about to cause you some. There’s something I think you need to know. I’ve been debating about whether I should say anything, but I think I must for your sake.”

  Leah’s heart was racing. She was trying not to panic, but she knew this had to be bad. She felt it to her core.

  “Last Saturday when you had your appointment, my assistant at the end of the day went to catalogue our supplies as normal and she noticed that a substantial amount of our needles were missing. At first I just figured they were misplaced, but we looked all over the office and checked our records to confirm the amount that should have been there. We are definitely missing quite a few boxes. I also keep a camera on the supply cabinet to make sure no one takes anything. Usually it’s locked, but when we are busy mistakes are made. I use the camera to make sure no one is taking something they shouldn’t. We checked the footage and…”

  They saw Alex stealing it. Leah didn’t need to hear the words to know the truth. It wasn’t the first time Alex had stolen to support hi
s habit. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Lechter.”

  “I am not going to report this to the police. I don’t have the heart to do that to either of you, but Alex needs help, Leah. More than you can give him. You have to protect yourself and the baby from his addiction. Heroin is one of hardest drugs to beat. He can’t do it without serious professional help. I know some places he could go for help. If money is a problem, there are cheaper clinics, but he needs the guidance of experts. I can email you some information for him.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Lechter.” What else could she say? She wanted to crawl in a hole and hide forever, but what would that accomplish? She would face this reality and make some tough decisions. It was time. Dr. Lechter was right and so was Marcus. Her number one priority had to be the baby now. Alex may have chosen heroin over her and the baby, but she wouldn’t choose his disease over her child. Not anymore.

  It was nearly 3am before the click of the door signaling Alex’s return. Leah had waited up for him as she’d done so many times, but this time it would be different because this time it would be the last.

  She heard Alex curse as he stumbled over the suitcase in the doorway. “What the fuck!” he yelled.

  “I packed your bags for you,” Leah calmly explained in her detached voice. She needed to keep her composure and stay strong to get through this confrontation. She would not give in. Not this time.

  Alex remained in the doorway. “Leah, it’s been a long night. Can we have this fight in the morning?”

  “It is the morning, Alex. We are going to talk about this now. I want you to take your stuff and leave. I know you’re using again and, unlike all the previous times, I am not going to turn away and pretend the obvious isn’t happening. I am also not going to live with your addiction anymore. I can’t. If you are determined to destroy yourself over drugs, that’s your choice, but I will not let you destroy me or this baby. We both deserve better. You deserve better as well but I can’t help you see it.”

  “Leah, I am not using…”