by Anna Ruch
"Emma, stop having these thoughts," Stacy pulled me out of my movie. "I know you only too well and I know that you're just gathering all the pieces why none of this makes sense. Am I right?"
"Yes," I just mumbled. "Maybe it's better if I just chalk it up to a unique encounter. If fate treated us well, we'll meet again." Although I sensed in my innermost being that we would meet again sometime, my mind would not accept this vague prospect. And most of all, I didn't want to look like a dreamy romantic fool in front of Stacy.
HANNAH
Inexorably, the taxi struggled through the morning traffic jam on Broadway towards Times Square. I tried desperately to collect myself and stop the tears. But I did not want to succeed.
What was I doing here? How could it be that on my last night I could meet a woman like this?
Spontaneously I instructed the driver to take me to JFK. Fortunately I had already checked in my luggage yesterday. I didn't want to see anybody else, nobody but John. I picked up the phone and dialed his number.
"Good morning, Sweety. How was your night?" John's voice was good. Ich couldn't and didn't like to speak, so they just put out a few chunks: "Good morning. I am already on my way to the airport. To be honest, I don't want to meet anybody - except you. Can you please come there and bring me my personal things?" My surprisingly clear announcement did not allow any objections, and John agreed to my request without questions.
Arriving at the airport I found a suitable place to wait for John.
When he arrived there barely two hours later, he immediately looked at my despair.
He took me in his arms, and I could no longer hold back my tears.
"Oh, John. I don't want to fly. Not now. Yesterday I experienced something so indescribably beautiful - and today, before it can really start, I have to lose it again. It was so incredibly beautiful with her, so familiar and simply perfect. It's not fair. Why now? Why now?"
"Darling, I know how much this hurts you now. But you've had a wonderful time, and if it's meant to be, you'll see each other again." He lovingly wiped the tears from my face.
I looked at the ring she had given me as a farewell gift and suddenly confidence germinated in me.
"Darling, you have experienced something wonderful. "And it has touched you deeply. It's not something you see too often. Hold on to that memory and never forget what those moments did to you and inside of you."
I tried to calm myself down by sobbing loudly.
"You're right, John. It was unique. But how can I see her again? I only know her first name. That's all I know about her." I looked at him questioningly.
"The day will come when you will suddenly find yourself facing each other again. "I am sure your paths will cross again. Because the way you feel about her, and the way I saw you last night, that's a big deal. It can't be one-sided. Trust me, because nothing and no one can stop the unstoppable power of love.
How comfortable I felt in his arm now. I guess he was right. We would see each other again. Someday, somewhere. Yet pain filled my chest, and my stomach was radiating signals of loss all the time.
"Final call for Lufthansa flight LH401 to Frankfurt. Passengers are requested to report to the gate immediately."
We were rudely reminded that I had to leave for good. We hugged each other one last time and I set off. When I dropped into my seat a few minutes later, I indicated to the stewardess that I did not want to be disturbed during the flight. I needed the time to myself, and I couldn't eat anyway. When the plane reached its cruising altitude, I put on the headphones and sank into classical music.
EMMA
In the meantime, the autumn had completely taken possession of Central Park. As so often I went for a walk there and let my thoughts go on a journey. Four months had passed since I had met Hannah. Packed snugly warm in my thick jacket, I suddenly found myself on a bench near the Delacorte Theater. I closed my eyes and thought I was listening to the music of that time. A wave of longing rose in me. I wonder what it was doing right now. I wonder if she was thinking of me too.
Of course I had found out her name and address through Jane in the meantime. I could not find the courage to call her or at least write to her. Everything seemed like a romantic dream. My fear to get a negative reaction from her was just too big.
Since our separation, I'd been on several dates. But they had never been anything more than fleeting adventures. The memory of Hannah was too deeply embedded in my heart. But what was the point? She was thousands of kilometres away and probably she had forgotten me long ago. Nevertheless, I was happy to own a photo of Hannah, so at least I could always carry it with me. Jane had given it to me and only smiled at me knowingly when I asked her for it.
"Of course you can have a picture of her. You really got it bad, didn't you?" Slightly irritated, I returned her look. "Hey, Emma, you don't have to hide your feelings from me. I don't care who or how you love. As long as it touches you." And before I knew it, Jane gave me a hug.
A stone fell from my heart. At least with her, I didn't have to pretend anymore.
"Thank you, Jane. You can't imagine what your words mean to me. I would ask you to keep it to yourself.
"Don't worry," she replied. "You can trust me. I think what you do in your bedroom is nobody's business. It's up to you when and who you want to tell. No one will find out about me. I know how colleagues can be. I would never put you through a gauntlet like that. I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you. If there's anything I can do to help, just say so."
Blessedly I took the photo. It was a snapshot that Jane had taken at the Leaving Party. So every time I looked at the picture, I had the feeling of being able to immerse myself completely in the evening.
Every second of our being together had immortalized itself like an endless loop in my soul. For hours I managed to shake off the thoughts of it again and again - but only for hours. It could not go on like this. I had to learn to let go of her.
A week earlier I had received an offer to become a visiting professor at the renowned Harvard University. Although I could not imagine such an activity at first, it was probably the only right step for me, because every further day near Central Park and the Statue of Liberty caused me longing pains. I had to finally get my life back under control.
Today was the last day I was supposed to spend in New York for the next twelve months. But before I could say goodbye to the Big Apple, I had to go out to the "old lady" to take a picture of "our" pavilion. Since then I had been going there at least once a week and had spent hours in this magical place. I didn't talk to my friends about it, because they would think I was completely crazy. It was actually quite unusual that I attached so much importance to that one night.
But I simply could not and did not want to go against the feelings that had planted themselves in my heart at the time. So I decided to keep Hannah in my heart and not share the memory of her with anyone but Stacy.
HANNAH
Four months ago I had returned from New York. After the first culture shock I rearranged my life. A lot of things seemed familiar, but a lot of things had changed a lot.
Above all I had to realize that I could not return to my old life without further ado, because I had changed too much.
My professional environment was also subject to changes without me being able to influence it much. The idea of my company to send me to New York in order to bring the American spirit and lightness into our company could unfortunately not be realized, because unfortunately we had overlooked the fact that this is only possible if the employees are willing to do so. After several attempts to introduce the American Way of Life had been torpedoed by the staff, I asked for my dismissal and decided to go into business for myself. Of course, this decision was not viewed positively by my circle of friends and family - but I didn't care. I knew what I wanted and went my way.
I kept thinking about that one night with Emma. It was so intense, and I just couldn't shake the memory of it. I could still feel her hands on
my skin and the taste of our first kiss. She was in every cell of my body, and even though the images gradually began to fade, the feeling that connected me to her in a way I had never felt before became stronger. In quiet moments I felt that the longing was getting stronger and I was afraid of losing myself in it.
I still had good contact with John. He also told me that Emma and Jane were colleagues. But on what grounds could I have asked Jane about Emma? I couldn't think of any plausible reason, and of course I didn't want to out Emma to a colleague at any price. So all I could do was remember her and the silver ring on my finger. And the confidence John had planted in me at the time: our time would come.
After I had set up my own business, I sat in my new office in the Rheinauhafen and looked at the water with a pensive eye. I was preparing a presentation for a client when I received a message from Marie, a longtime friend. We had met years ago through our ex-girlfriends and had become close confidants after we discovered that we were on the same wavelength. Marie understood my decision to become independent and supported me where she could. And when I told her about my encounter with Emma, she just melted away. No matter how many times I told the details of the evening in every possible way, she never got tired of listening to me.
"Party tonight at Chris' house. You have no excuse. Pick you up at 7:30. You gotta get out of town."
Typical Marie. She left me no opportunity to argue, and I suppose she was absolutely right. Because even though I was sure that no other woman but Emma could manage to touch me like that, I could not escape life.
At 7:30 sharp my doorbell rang and Marie stormed into my apartment. Brightly she announced that we would have a wonderful evening.
"My God, you look good today. You look so radiant." Admiringly, she meant for me to turn once.
"Thank you, Marie. But I don't think I look any different than usual."
The blush that had shot me in the face during her song of praise revealed how unpleasant such compliments were for me.
"Oh, yes. You glow from the inside out. How do you do that?"
"I don't know. But I just feel fine. My job is going great, I feel good, and I'm totally happy right now." Now I also noticed my radiance and could not suppress a laugh.
How I loved to laugh with Marie. We understood each other without words. And even though nobody really believed us, we were just friends. No thought of a relationship or a bedtime story. We both agreed on that. Our friendship was far too precious to us to risk it.
"Well, you're positively radiant today, Marie. What's wrong?" "Oh, nothing," she stammered. "Come on, don't tell me. Who are we gonna meet at the party?" "No one special. But Nina might be there."
"Nina?"
"Yes, I told you about her. A week ago, I met her by chance in my favorite café. She's a distant acquaintance of Chris, so she may be there tonight as well."
Marie could not hide the sparkle in her eyes and she infected me with her excitement.
"Well, here we go. Let's not keep the women waiting too long."
The party was already in full swing when we arrived at Chris' place a good hour later. With one look we checked who was present before we started looking for something to drink.
Supplied with white wine, we entered the living room, where the girls were already cavorting. I could see on Marie's face that Nina hadn't arrived yet.
"She will surely come. It's still early." I smiled at Marie and made her understand that she could not give up hope.
When Nina finally arrived, Marie was beaming all over her face.
Nina looked really great. I could understand her touching Marie. I'm sure they'd make a great couple.
From one moment to the next I was completely logged out of Marie's house and, smiling, I pulled myself out of the situation with my glass of white wine and sat down instead by the open fireplace in the conservatory. While I looked dreamily into the blazing fire and was completely submerged in my world, a woman sat down next to me and kept silent with me. At some point even I noticed that I was no longer alone.
"Hi, my name is Tonya. What's yours?" Tonja was around thirty. Her brown hair fell neatly onto her shoulders. "Hi, I'm Hannah. Tell me, have you been sitting next to me for a long time?" "Well, long enough to realize you were far away with your thoughts." Tonja winked at me with a smile. "Sorry, but I haven't been to a party for a long time. And actually I'm only here because I accompanied my friend Marie. But now she has disappeared somewhere."
"Hey, that's okay. Would you rather be alone?"
Something about Tonya caught my interest. But I had no idea what it was exactly.
"No, please stay. I can keep quiet at home. Are you a friend of the hostess?"
"Not quite. Chris is my sister. And since I just moved to Cologne, she said I should come over and meet some nice people."
Tonja seemed so self-confident and made me a little embarrassed. "And how do you know my big sister?" "We studied together and ended up in the same region by chance after our studies." Ich sipped briefly on my glass and let the wine run down my throat with pleasure.
"And why did you move to Cologne? Was it the job or love?"
"Let's put it this way. For love, I accepted a new job offer. I just wanted to get away and not be reminded of anything."
Suddenly a deep sadness was reflected in Tonja's eyes, but she tried to cover it up. Probably the separation was still relatively fresh and the memory still too present in her. Since I didn't know what to say to it, we looked into the fire again in silence for a while. Afterwards we talked for hours about the city, life and women. Although Tonja had just turned 30, she had already experienced many things and lived in many places around the world. Finally I had to take care of the presentation for my client tomorrow.
"Can I call you?" Tonya stood before me, embarrassed.
"Sure. Wait, let me write down my number. Just get back to me and we can hang out sometime."
"Thank you. We will."
To say goodbye we hugged each other and I set off in search of Marie. But she had disappeared with Nina. So I took a taxi home.
What a night. Marie in love and me... Yes, me? What about me? Nothing happened to me. My heart belonged to Emma, and nothing would change that. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't let go of my feelings. They were too deep, and she had touched me too much.
Already the next evening Tonja called and asked if we wanted to have dinner together on the weekend. I gladly agreed to her suggestion, after all I couldn't give up life just because Emma was so far away from me and I didn't even know if and how she felt about me. I was probably just a pale memory for her anyway. At least that's what my mind was trying to tell me. But if I listened to my stomach and heart, the situation was quite different.
Two days later I met Tonja in a nice little Italian restaurant near Rudolfplatz.
Fortunately I had reserved a table, otherwise we probably would have been allowed to spend the evening with a curry sausage at a snack bar.
"Would you like some red wine, Tonya?" The waiter had given me the wine list, so I took the liberty of making a direct selection.
"Gladly. I'm sure you'll pick the right kind." Tonya's confidence flattered me.
"Good. Then we'd like two glasses of the Montepulciano and a bottle of still water, please."
As soon as the waiter had disappeared, we started talking. We talked about the advantages of Cologne, exchanged ideas about going out and considered whether we wanted to see an exhibition in a museum together.
We didn't even realize that we had received the food in the meantime, we were too absorbed in our conversation. But the later the evening and the more personal our conversation became, I noticed how much I compared Tonja to Emma. My memory of her inevitably overshadowed the image Tonya was offering me. I realized that I had to tell Tonya that there was someone who had already won my heart. I just had to wait for the right moment.
But it wasn't there just now. Now I just wanted to enjoy the evening, and so far there was no reason why I
should possibly have offended Tonja.
"What do you say, Hannah?" Tonya looked at me questioningly. Unfortunately, I'd been too absorbed in my thoughts and hadn't heard her last sentence.
"Where were you again with your thoughts? Am I boring you that much?"
"No, don't worry. You just reminded me of someone. Please forgive me. Now I'm all yours again."
"So, I was just asking you if you'd consider joining me for a little party at a friend's house next weekend. Although, maybe party is the wrong word, it's more like a dinner for a larger group."
"Gladly. Of course I'll come."
If Tonja perhaps expected more from our meeting, it shot through my head. Should I tell her about Emma? No, as long as I was careful not to get too close, she didn't need to know anything about Emma, did she? But what if Tonya was actually developing deeper feelings for me? I couldn't let that happen. I liked her, but that's all I could do. "So, how was it?" Marie wouldn't allow me to avoid it.
"How could it have been? We had a very nice evening and now we'll do something now and then."
"And how are you with that?" Marie wanted to know. "How do you think I feel about this? I like Tonya. But you know who my heart belongs to." "Have you told her about Emma yet?" Marie didn't give in. "No, I haven't seen any reason yet." Wie I would like to have ended this conversation at this point. But I knew Marie only too well. She would not rest until she made her point. "No reason? Are you kidding me? Even a blind man could see that Tonya wants more than just a friendship. Pour pure wine for her before it's too late. The sooner you let her know that your heart is not free, that she should not get her hopes up, the less you will hurt her. You don't want your feelings to be toyed with either. And you, of all people, always say how important it is to be honest with other people."
Marie was right, of course. As long as my heart was set on another, I couldn't pretend it wasn't. It just wouldn't be fair.