by Anna Ruch
"Okay, I'll talk to her," I promised. "But now you tell me. How are things with you and Nina?"
My interest in how Maria was, of course, was genuine. Above all, however, I was able to distract myself discreetly from my own problems with this skilful change of topic.
"Wonderful, just wonderful," Marie cheered euphorically. We have a lot of fun together, and we want to get to know each other better without any pressure."
Seeing Marie so happy was just beautiful. It hadn't been a long time since she had raved about a woman like that. I was happy for her. She'd been alone for far too long now. But she was a great woman, standing in the middle of life and knowing exactly what she wanted. And yet she still hadn't gotten over the break-up with her last girlfriend. Now she was on a good way and I felt that Nina was exactly the right person for her.
EMMA
"Would you please take care of my flowers while I'm at Harvard?" Stacy sat across from me and looked around my apartment.
"Sure, sweetie. But I have to warn you. I'm not exactly blessed with a green thumb." Stacy looked at me apologetically.
"It doesn't matter. I plan to come to New York every other week for the weekend. And you can't really do that much wrong in that time."
"And you're sure you want to become an academic now?"
Stacy couldn't understand my decision. For her I was the typical career woman who could only find fulfillment in New York. So she never missed an opportunity to express her incomprehension with pointed remarks.
"Yes, I'm sure. I need the time to myself. Besides, it's only twelve months, so it's an absolutely manageable time frame. And besides, it's a great opportunity and an incredible honor to teach at Harvard University.
"I can understand all that. But secretly, I'm afraid you're really just running away from your feelings. You know, I just worry about you."
Stacy was really a good friend and her sympathy touched me deeply.
"Oh, Stacy, you don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. And even if this is some kind of escape, I know best that right now it's the only way I can think of."
Together we brought the last boxes in my station wagon. Most of my furniture stayed in my apartment, which I was lucky to keep because of the very good salary.
In spite of everything, tears came to my eyes when I left. After all, this was a new stage and even though I wanted it to be the same, a small part of me was wistful. Finally I took a deep breath, because basically I was very grateful for the opportunities that this guest professorship opened up for me, even though nobody - least of all myself - could know what was to come in the coming months. In any case, it gave me the opportunity to reposition myself and sort out my feelings.
After a good five hours by car I passed the city limits of Boston. Although only 200 miles away from NY, the city seemed like another world to me. Here I could shake off the hectic pace of the Big Apple. I hadn't been near a university since my studies, so I was now looking forward to devoting myself fully to the academic world once again. Furthermore, my new task filled me with a certain pride, and I felt honoured to have been asked to fill the chair of international marketing. I loved facing new challenges, needed a change and a new drive every few years. I was thrilled to be able to familiarize myself again and again with new topics and areas, and I hated nothing as much as routine and the same procedures.
At first I lived at the Inn at Harvard. I planned to stay there for the first two weeks to find a small apartment near the campus.
The dean had offered me accommodation in his house, but it was very important to me to have my own little kingdom. I really wanted to use my free time only for myself and not be too involved in the lives of others. It also reminded me of my student days and the small cheap apartment I had available. At that time everything had been so exciting and the world had held an incredible fascination for me. Everything seemed possible I enjoyed the feeling of being at the beginning of an endless journey of discovery. Like a child in a toy store, I didn't know which toy to grab first. Today, some years and experiences later, I was of course much more serene. But I had never lost my childlike fascination for everything new.
After I had brought my personal belongings to my room, I set off on my first small exploratory tour through this venerable city. I liked what I saw on my walk and I was filled with an excitement I hadn't felt for a long time. With a coffee in my hand I found a place on the steps of the Widener Memorial Library and watched the students walking around. It was one of those moments when you are completely at home and perceive the world as if from a soap bubble.
Here I would now have the opportunity to become clear about my goals and above all my feelings. I wanted to understand why I still thought about Hannah and why she visited me in my dreams. What had this encounter and this night done to me. Since then I felt that everything was different. It was as if my gravity had taken a bump in another direction. Many of my thoughts revolved around her.
Until my first lecture I had one week to acclimatize and to inform myself about all possibilities on site. I would also need this time window. After New York, this was really a completely different world, a calmer and a more timeless one. Suddenly I felt like I was transported to one of those typical American films about traditional universities. But the great thing was that I was really part of this world. I was Professor Miller, and for a whole year I had the opportunity to work with talented students and maybe give them some impulses that would accompany them on their further way into and through life. Maybe I too would play a part in one of the many stories about "the good old days at the university and its professors". With this thought I could not help smiling. A few years ago, I really wouldn't have expected that.
HANNAH
At the weekend Tonja picked me up for dinner at her friends' house as agreed. From the moment she stood opposite me in the doorway, I knew that tonight would be a special one. No matter how it went, tonight would be, yes, I had to tell her about Emma, because something in her eyes, her look, confirmed without a doubt Marie's suspicions
The evening took a very pleasant course. I liked Tonja's friends very much. She showed herself from her most charming side and read every wish from my eyes. No matter what it was, she forestalled my every thought. From minute to minute it became clearer to me that the development took a direction that I absolutely did not like in form. As a friend I did not want to lose Tonja at all, but I could not correspond to her feelings. In order to be able to clarify the situation, I naturally had to wait until we were alone.
When Tonja drove me home a few hours later, tension between us was building up. You could feel this energy, even though neither of us spoke a word. On my doorstep, I knew that the moment of debate, which I secretly feared, would inevitably come. After Tonja had stopped the car in front of my home and silenced the engine, she freed herself from her seatbelt and looked directly at me.
I swallowed spasmodically. I became cold and warm at the same time. "Hannah, I have to tell you something" I heard Tonya's voice. Jetzt was more than clear what had to come. And yet I was careful not to interrupt her. I knew too well how much courage it took to confess your feelings to someone. How many fears one had already lived through by then. It was all the more important to face this courage with care and respect. So I signalled to her that she should continue speaking.
"I don't even know where to start. But every time I see you, I could burst with happiness. And every time I don"t see you, I go up the walls. My stomach tingles when you're near me. And yearning tears me apart when you're not there."
Tonja struggled for the right words and tried to keep herself on track.
Okay, what could I say to that without hurting her too much? Wouldn't any form of non-repudiation of her feelings hurt her? I knew no matter what I said, it would bring down a world on her. But I had no choice.
"Tonya, I thank you for your frankness. You too have become important to me in recent weeks. Only", I swallowed and took a deep breath, "I must tell you that I cannot retu
rn your feelings. During my time in America I met a woman who has received a very special place in my heart. Not a minute goes by that I do not think of her. Even though I don't know if and when I'll see her again, she fills me up."
I saw Tonya's eyes fill with tears and I could feel the tension growing in her body. But wasn't my honesty the only way? How could I look in the mirror the next day if I wasn't honest now?
"I would like to tell you something else," I continued, "but there is already someone living in my heart and I do not want to play with you. For that is all I could give you."
There, I said it. Even if I felt strong pity for Tonja at the moment, I felt strengthened and without regrets.
"I didn't really expect this." Tonya fought with herself to keep her composure. "But I'm grateful to you for being so honest with me. Even though it hurts right now, I'm glad you didn't play with my feelings." She smiled at me bravely.
"I'm not a gambler. I don't want anyone to play with me."
I held back from taking Tonya in my arms to comfort her. Even if I felt like it, I didn't want to offend her with my touch or put her in an unpleasant situation.
EMMA
After only a short search I found a furnished accommodation in the center of Harvard Square. It was a two-room apartment in an elegantly restored Victorian house. I even had my own garden. Although the apartment was furnished very differently from my New York loft, I felt immediately comfortable. I saw myself sitting in my armchair on cold winter days and looking into the flames of my open fireplace. And I wanted to use such hours above all to banish the ghosts of my past for good. I wanted to free myself from old experiences and recognize what the encounter with Hannah had actually done to me.
Far too often I had put things aside instead of processing them. I didn't want to make that mistake again. Even if fate was not on my side and I should never see Hannah again, I wanted to do this inner cleansing for myself. Not infrequently we carry our shadows on our shoulders and don't even realize how much they hinder us from real life and keep the actual good from us. So I made a contract with myself, whereby I committed myself to clean up my past.
As a first action in my new apartment, I placed the black and white photo of our pavilion above my desk, even though it did not match the rest of the furniture. But it was a kind of anchor to keep me pointed in the right direction in lonely days. Every time I looked at it, my soul made a journey to that magical moment of meeting Hannah. Her touch had burned so deeply into me.
Without melancholy, I wondered how she was doing. The last information I had received from Jane was that Hannah had gone into business for herself. They were still in loose contact. But since Hannah never asked about me, Jane never brought up the subject.
After unpacking my boxes and giving the apartment my personal touch, I concentrated on the tasks of the next weeks. The Faculty of Economics and Business Administration repeatedly offered separate lectures to create a link between theory and practice. And it was precisely in this practical part that my assignment lay. My job was to use case studies to give students an understanding of the economic relationships in the international context of marketing.
Without wanting to sound arrogant: I had enough case studies ready to easily fill 24 months with lecture content. In addition, the faculty had already granted me the budget for an assistant position. So I would be able to devote myself extensively to my "inner contract" in addition to my teaching activities.
I would probably be inundated with applications for the assistant position over the next two weeks. Students were always looking for a job at the chair because they could learn a lot there and hoped to get a better grade. In order to escape this application marathon, I decided to organize a kind of workshop where I could get to know the applicants in my own way, namely in a practical environment. I formulated a corresponding call for applications and posted it on the notice board of the faculty. As expected, there were more applicants than places. So I initially invited only the first six male and the first six female applicants to the event. This framework allowed me to give all participants the necessary attention.
On the workshop day I was at least as excited as my students, because this event was somehow different from a workshop at a customer's site. Here I had to judge and decide.
Without much ado, I gave them the task of developing a marketing strategy together to place a typically American product on the German market. In doing so, they should pay particular attention to the specifics of the German mentality and not make the same arrogant mistake as some American companies have done in the past. The times when consumers from all over the world waited for American products and accepted them unconditionally were largely a thing of the past. Therefore, I expected more creativity and empathy in accomplishing this task.
Twelve hours and many creative discussions later, the aspirants presented the results to me, and I did not hide my fascination with the approaches I had developed. It was unbelievable how far they had already come. I would have loved to hire all of them, but unfortunately my budget did not allow it. So in the end, I had to trust my gut when making my decision. I looked into the round of expectant eyes and took a breath.
"First of all, I would like to thank you for your efforts today. I would like to offer them all an assistant position, but that would go beyond the scope of possibilities. In this respect, I will have to make a decision, for better or worse, which means that eleven of you will unfortunately not get a job with me. and for one of you to work with me for the next 12 months."
Excited restlessness now spread and everyone naturally hoped to hear their own name from me. So I no longer put them on the rack "From now on Jill Smith will be allowed to work with me. I hope, however, that I will soon be able to welcome them all to my events. And, Jill, please stay a moment longer so that I can discuss things with you."
With disappointed murmurs and loud chairs being moved, the eleven students who had not been selected left the room.
"Professor Miller, thank you for giving me this incredible opportunity. I will not disappoint you."
Jill was beaming all over her face and her smile could really inspire you. It reminded me a little of Hannah's smile.
How unreal it sounded to be addressed as "Professor Miller". It took some getting used to.
"Jill, I'm sure they'll do their best. I expect you to do your job with full commitment and be happy to do it. Since I have never held a chair before, I may sometimes work in a somewhat unorthodox way. However, I do not intend to bend too far. I am a friend of clear announcements and assume that we will have open communication with each other. Should there be any questions or ambiguities at any point, I ask you to address them directly."
I could tell from her nod that she was in complete agreement with me on this point and that we could look forward to an exciting twelve months together.
The weeks passed and the autumn gave way to winter. At night it was bitterly cold and during the day everything was bathed in a white veil. Wherever you looked, the harbingers of Christmas were everywhere. How beautiful and peaceful it was here. A stark contrast to New York, where, especially at this time of year, one had the feeling that one had to really push the pace. Here people took time for each other. One sat together over a hot chocolate and talked about the past. People met for game evenings together and lived the traditions.
The cooperation between me and Jill worked out perfectly and I was very happy with my decision. We often sat together long after the end of lectures and discussed economic developments and new marketing approaches.
On one of the December weekends, Stacy visited me and was totally thrilled with the atmosphere of both the city and my apartment.
"Emma, you've made yourself very comfortable. No wonder I've heard so little about you these past few weeks. You probably have all the students coming and going, don't you?" She smiled at me, slyly.
"Stacy, I don't know how you come up with such a picture of me!" Feigned indignation spread across my face
.
"Well, I've known you a little longer." Her grin widened even more and I gave her a gentle nudge.
"I love my job, and I enjoy the time I have to deal with myself." To emphasize my words I raised my right eyebrow.
You could tell Stacy that my answer made her a little verwunderte "So you're seriously telling me you're living a single life here?" "Yes and I enjoy it. Never before in my life have I really consciously spent time alone with myself. You cannot imagine how enriching such an experience is. I have no one to answer to and I live my life as I see fit."
Stacy shook her head in disbelief.
"Every morning I jog along the Charles River. Afterwards I am fit for the day and can sort my thoughts optimally. Afterwards I am at the faculty and in the evening I enjoy spending my time with colleagues, a good book or even on long walks through the city. Finally I have the air to slow down. No pressure to reach certain numbers or convince a new customer."
Yes, I loved this "new" life, and it was already clear to me at this point that I would no longer fit into my old life. I had no concrete idea what I would do after Harvard - but I still had some time for that.
"I can understand all that. But what does love do. You're not seriously telling me you don't have anyone here. You're in your prime and you're a very attractive woman. You're bright and charming. Any woman would be lucky to have you by her side."
As Stacy sipped her glass of wine, I replied.
"I just don't want anybody. My heart is occupied, and I don't want to clear the room. Every thought of that one night with Hannah makes me realize that you only experience something like this once in your life. It had nothing to do with an affair or pure sex. It went much deeper than that. Even today, it feels as if two solar systems collided at that time."
The thought made my gaze wander into the distance and breathe blissfully.