by Anna Ruch
"Oh, Emma, did you ever hear from her again? What are you gonna do about it?" The emphasis with which she pronounced her words suggested that she was indeed worried about me. But there was absolutely no reason for that, because I knew exactly what I was getting into and I knew with the same certainty that we would meet again one day.
The warming flames in my fireplace crackled quietly, while outside my window thick snowflakes were constantly falling to the ground.
"Well, what's it going to be? I leave everything to fate. We'll have our future together. I'm sure of it."
Luckily Stacy was finally satisfied and we changed the subject. How nice it was to sit comfortably in front of an open fireplace and philosophize about the world and women. In the background soft music underlined the cosy evening and wrapped us in a harmonic mood.
HANNAH
Dreamily I walked through the streets of my city. In the shop windows you could see the first messengers of Christmas, and on every second corner hot chestnuts and mulled wine were sold. Oh, how I loved this time. Even as a child I had been a big fan of Christmas, but since my time in America I loved this kitsch and this exuberance of emotions even more. My apartment already had the appropriate insignia, and now I wanted to get the first presents.
Since I didn't feel like going off on my own, I had asked Marie to accompany me. This was not a great sacrifice for Marie, because she too participated with great enthusiasm in everything that made up this time. As usual, we met in front of a bookstore on Neumarkt to plunge from there into the hustle and bustle. From the shops, Christmas music came out onto the street, and almost every other corner of the house was filled with a Santa Claus collecting money for some good cause
"Say, Hannah, have you heard from Emma again?"
"Not exactly. I spoke to Jane on the phone last week," I said evasively. Although I saw Marie often, I tried to keep a low profile with her on the subject, after all, I knew how crazy it must seem to others to still be attached to a woman you'd only spent one night with. Probably I too would not have been able to understand it if someone had told me about it.
Marie's irritated look caused me to answer her question in more detail.
"Jane is my next tenant in New York. I learned from talking to her that she's a work colleague and friend of Emma's."
"But then it's really quite simple."
Typical Marie, everything was always easy for her. Why should it be easy? Just because I knew Jane didn't mean Emma wanted to know about me.
"You can get all the information about Emma from her," Marie continued.
"Well, not really. Since I don't know if and what Jane knows about Emma's private life, I don't want to ask her too offensively for information. In certain circles in America it is not as easy to deal with one's sexual orientation as it is here with us. In some states it was even a criminal offence until recently to pursue one's homosexual inclination. For many people, the subject is still a red rag to this day. And this narrow-minded attitude is of course also present in many companies. In this respect I prefer to be cautious. After all, I don't want to get Emma into trouble."
At that moment I must have looked pretty desperate, because Marie spontaneously took me in her arms. "Jane mentioned in passing that Emma had taken some time off She's taking a visiting professorship at Harvard for a year."
"Wow, Harvard. Your dream girl seems like a real high achiever." Mischievously it flashed in Marie's eyes.
I hadn't thought of it that way. Of course, Marie was right. Harvard is a tough room. Even in Europe, it's considered a noble thing to be able to teach there. In the course of my own studies, I had sometimes felt the longing to take a semester there myself. However, it was very expensive for Europeans, if not almost impossible, to get one of the coveted study places.
Yeah, Emma must really be a shining light in her field. But, to be honest, I didn't expect anything else either. Not that I care what a person does or what they do for a living. What has always counted for me is being happy with what you do and being in harmony with yourself. But still, Emma was surrounded by a special aura, she radiated an incredible eloquence.
Well, now I knew she went to Harvard, but what use was that knowledge to me?
I was in Germany. And I couldn't just fly to the USA and suddenly be standing in front of her. It just didn't work out. Only in my nightly dreams I visited her often and was always rudely brought back to reality by my morning alarm clock.
"Say, why don't you go and visit her? Christmas is coming up, and what better surprise could there be than that?"
Marie was really incredible. It almost seemed as if she could read my mind. "No, I don't think that's a good idea." I shook my head violently. "And why not?" Misunderstanding was written all over her face. "I can't just get on a plane and show up at her place unannounced.
Who knows how and with whom she lives there. "I can't just walk into her life like that!
Even though I wished for nothing more than to see her again at last, I did not want to give in to this tempting idea.
"Hannah, I don't understand you. You love her, you've been pining for her for months, and now you won't go."
"Oh, Marie, I'm just scared. What if she's not like me? What if she's with someone? Then how could I spend Christmas in the future? I would always have to think about being brought back to reality on that day."
"What's wrong with you, Hannah? Where's your optimism gone? Where's your boundless confidence?"
Yeah, where? Both of these qualities were otherwise my own in all situations in life, but in this particular case I was simply afraid, afraid of the uncertainty, afraid of what might come my way. Normally I was just bubbling over with positive prospects, not letting anything upset me. But with this woman everything was different.
"Marie, please don't be angry with me. But I'd like to concentrate on our shopping now."
Without allowing a response, I pulled her into the nearest store. Luckily, Marie had a good sense of when it was better to leave a subject alone.
EMMA
A week before Christmas. All errands were done and I was looking forward to the lecture-free time. I was now free until January 6th. Although I had briefly considered spending the holidays in New York, I decided to be alone this Christmas. But I did not know my friends well enough. After I announced that I wouldn't be celebrating with them, Stacy took over the organisation of a nice little Christmas party in Cambridge. And she was indeed able to surprise me. She had even brought Jane as a special guest. She and our friends had all booked hotel rooms without my knowledge and suddenly found themselves at my door. In retrospect, I was very grateful to them. Otherwise the party would probably have been quite sad and lonely for me.
We did a lot, went for walks and celebrated every kind of Christmas custom. The absolute highlight was our Christmas brunch on 25 December. After filling our bellies and getting worked up about the presents, we all found ourselves in front of the TV and watched "Isn't life beautiful" together. This film is one of my absolute favourite films. Even with my mother, I used to watch this old film every Christmas, and we were both infatuated with the angel Clarence.
Now I looked around and saw myself in the circle of my closest friends. As beautiful as this was and as good as it felt, I still felt this longing in me. The longing for this one person. The person who had looked deep into my soul.
Apparently Jane had noticed that my mind was not quite on the ball.
"Well Emma, where are you right now?"
"Where should I be? Sitting here with my dearest friends, having a wonderful time."
I hoped with all my heart that she would leave it at that.
"All right. That's why you're watching the TV right now. "So, what do you want most of all?
Since I came out to her, I felt freer and more open. I knew I could tell her about my wish and she would not misunderstand.
We went into the kitchen under an excuse and sat down at the table with a coffee.
"I think about Hannah
a lot, a lot. Although I am doing very well and my life has taken a wonderful course, I miss her every day. I know how crazy it sounds. After all, we hardly know each other."
"Well, get on with it. Write her a letter. I'll give you the address. And if anyone has a way with words, it's you."
How simple it sounded from her mouth. Just writing. "And what should I write to her? "Hello, Hannah. How are you?" Ohne to want it, there was a slightly ironic undertone in my words. "Take your time and write down your thoughts. You will know what to write and how to write it. I'm sure I will."
I guess Jane was right. I just had to follow my feelings. Everything else would work out. I just didn't have the courage to do it now. There were few things I was afraid of or had a hard time bearing the resonance of. This was one of them. I was afraid of being rejected or of experiencing that everything was a big air bubble.
In the course of my life I had experienced several times that feelings were one of the most beautiful gifts we could be given. But they were also an endless sea of possible injuries and disappointments. Nevertheless, I did not want to follow the attitude of many of my friends, according to which love was an illusion or mental confusion. A good friend of mine looked at love from a very rational point of view. She explained to me that love is a construct that was given to us humans in difficult times by society, so as not to despair of reality. As a kind of survival elixir, developed by the upper intellectual classes.
Another friend saw in love a purely biological-chemical reaction. So according to the motto, who is compatible and can help to reproduce the human race.
For me, however, there has always been this image of the one special love. From the moment you looked into each other's eyes and felt exactly that two souls intended for each other met here. The moment you knew you had arrived. The moment when questions lost their relevance and there was only this intoxicating and sweet feeling left. In which one believed to be on earth only for this person. Where rationality and logical consideration had no meaning, but only pure feeling, the pulse of the soul was decisive.
Yeah, I'd write her. I would write to her about what had happened to me and what she had triggered in me. Still, I gave myself time to wait for the right moment to do so. I didn't want to rush into anything and be in the right mood for it.
HANNAH
As in the years before I left for New York, I celebrated New Year's Eve with my friends in a house on the North Sea. We had made it a ritual to spend the turn of the year there together. Classics like a Feuerzangenbowle and "Dinner for One" were not to be missed.
This year our circle was extended by Nina. She and Marie have been inseparable since that party at Chris'. Every time I saw them together, I was happy for Marie. Nina was just good for her and they were an incredible match.
At the stroke of midnight we all tuned into the Abba song "Happy New Year" and Marie and I smoked a cigar in the old tradition. Not that we were both smokers. But this one time a year we were celebrating it. To me it was like burning the old year and taking the breath of the new year.
Since we both knew each other for so long, we sat together in silence for a few minutes. How grateful I was to Nina for giving us this moment. Fortunately, she wasn't jealous and understood our friendship.
"I'm going to Harvard." Although it was dark, I could feel the grin on her face.
"Yeah, I'm gonna visit John in New York in the spring and then I'm gonna take a trip to Boston from there."
"Oh, I see, so how does it happen?"
Up to now I had categorically rejected Marie's proposals regarding active contact.
"Well. What do I have to lose? I can't think about anything else since then. She's in my heart and she goes with me wherever I go. Now I'd like to know if that's the same with her. Either she returns my feelings and we have a future together, or she does not return them. But then I have the opportunity to close."
"I think your idea is absolutely fantastic and I am very happy that you are taking action. I just hope for the young lady's sake that it's worth it."
Her giggling indicated to me that it was not a serious threat from her and I joined in her laughter. We smoked our cigars and talked a little bit more about the past year. A lot had happened in the last few months and we were aware that a lot of things were yet to come.
A short time later we found ourselves back with our partying friends, and Nina pulled Marie straight onto the dance floor. I watched the two of them and sipped a glass of white wine, just like then. How nice it would be now if I could toast the New Year with her. I wonder what she was doing? With a glance at the clock I noticed that in Boston it was six hours to midnight. In my mind I wished her a happy new year and smiled softly to myself.
EMMA
"...five, four, three, two, one... Happy new year." Out of all the boxes the lines of "Auld Lang Syne" boomed and Stacy fell around my neck. My friends and I celebrated the turn of the year together with the remaining students of my department at the university.
"Happy new year, sweetie."
I returned Stacy's hug and knew that there would be many changes this year.
"And what are your intentions this time?"
Like every year, she had already thought about it in advance and was eager to share them with me.
"Intent number one... I enjoy life. "resolution number two... I enjoy my life."
We both laughed from the bottom of our hearts until tears came. Because honestly, that was the only attitude that I ever knew Stacy with. She enjoyed her life whenever and however she could. She was a stand-up girl and nothing could get her down.
"And what are your plans for this year?" Now she looked at me seriously.
"I will continue on the path I have taken this past year. I will concentrate more on the essential things and rely more on my feelings."
"That sounds good. Okay, I also liked you as a tough career girl in the New York circus. But I like you just as much as I like you the way you are now."
Yeah, I liked it like that. There were completely new sides to me, and I liked my new role better every day.
"By the way, I'm going on a long trip after I finish teaching. I'm going to see the world. I just want to drift and see where I like it. I've already put enough aside."
"Wow, that's news. Just don't forget about us." "Forgotten you? How could I?" Nun also fell around Jane's neck, and we wished each other a happy new year. Quietly she whispered into my ear that Hannah would surely be happy about a sign from me. So I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we partied until the early morning hours. In my mind I wished Hannah a Happy New Year and sent her my love.
A few days later I sat down at my desk and put my thoughts down on paper.
My dear Hannah,
it's been a few months since we met and lost sight of each other again. Since then a lot has happened in my life, a lot has happened to me. In the meantime, I am living temporarily in Cambridge and teach as a guest professor at Harvard. New York was not the same city for me after your departure. I often visited our places in Central Park and on Liberty Island. And each time, I wished you were by my side. I don't know exactly what happened that night with me - with us. But I can't think of anything else since then. For a brief moment, I was sure I'd arrived. Everything suddenly made sense.
I don't know much about you, and I don't know how you felt about our meeting. But is it possible there's something that connects us? Sometimes in my dreams I feel as if you were with me. Sometimes there's a flash of lightning and I see your face. Our short moments have burned deep into my soul and still radiate a warmth and deep affection.
Maybe you've already forgotten me? I don't know. Maybe you think of me too and remember our night together. The music, the wild geese, our crossing and our pavilion. Perhaps you too will long to see me again. Wenn then please give me a sign so that I know that my longing has a future.
With deep affection Your Emma
Actually, I could have written her a thousand other things. But I didn't want to ov
erwhelm or frighten her with my words and thoughts. Without thinking about it any further, I put the letter on the way and hoped for a quick reaction.
HANNAH
When I opened the mailbox, I knew immediately that today I would not only receive advertising letters. Among the usual pamphlets was a letter from Cambridge. Without having to turn the envelope over, I knew that this must be a letter from Emma. I took a deep breath in and out and a tremendous excitement gripped my whole body. How I had longed for such a moment. I wonder what she wrote to me.
I took the letter and stormed back to my apartment. After I sat down on my stairs to the upper floor, I opened it full of expectation. This paper she had held in her hands. She had written these words and now I held them in my hands. I breathed in almost reverently and began to read.
I read her lines over and over again. My heart was skipping and I couldn't think straight. So she had felt the same way about our meeting as I did and she too was still thinking about it. So I was not mistaken.
I reached for my phone and called Marie. Since I could hardly make out a comprehensible tone, she let me know that she was on her way straight to me. Less than 20 minutes later the phone rang and she stormed into my apartment.
"What happened? Why are you not able to speak clearly?"
Instead of giving her an answer, I held Emma's letter out to her. I could see in her face that she too was totally excited about it and was happy with me like a little child.
"Oh, Hannah, I'm so happy for you. What's going to happen now?"
"I don't know. I have already booked my flight to New York in three weeks, and my sign to her will be my visit to Cambridge. Since she has put her address on the letter, I will visit her there."
I grinned all over my face and the butterflies did somersaults in my stomach. Together we rejoiced in a race, and Marie saw our meeting before her very eyes.
"This is gonna be amazing with you guys. And I admire you for never doubting that. At least you never questioned your feelings for her."