by Anna Ruch
"No, I'm not cold." And she sank into my arms. We touched each other all over and forgot the world around us. The softness gave way to desire, and we lived the longing of the last months.
Incredible happiness flowed through me and we danced our song as if there had never been another version of it.
The night gave way to the first day of the new year, and I awoke in her arms. What a way to start the new year. I watched her in disbelief, trying to capture every detail. I reached for my dessert and took my camera which was lying there. They surrounded a bliss and a spell that I had to capture. Quietly a voice within me awakened that we would leave the next day. Because of my work situation I could only stay for such a short time this year. What would become of us? Could she possibly come with me?
"Good morning, beautiful." Tenderly she cuddled up in my arm and I floated in seventh heaven.
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
"Oh, yes, I did. I couldn't have imagined a more beautiful start to the new year."
She kissed me, and how we would have loved to continue our dream of last night if it hadn't been for the knocking at the door at that very moment.
"Good morning, you two. Breakfast is ready."
Marie was discreet enough not to barge into my room and I was very grateful to her for that.
"Thank you, Marie. We'll be right there."
"Come, my beauty, let's not keep the others waiting. We'll have time for us later."
We quickly got dressed and went hand in hand to the large kitchen-living room, where everyone was already engrossed in lively conversation. As a matter of course they included Emma, and we toasted once again to the very successful start into the new year.
Marie, who was sitting right next to Emma, insisted on involving Emma in a conversation.
"Say, Emma, how long are you gonna stay?" Marie was direct as always, and I almost choked on their question. "Well, preferably forever. But yesterday I was surprised by Stacy with the sudden trip to you. And my plans were to travel the world for another six months."
She sipped her coffee and gave me an almost sad look. I swallowed, because of course I hoped she'd stay. But that was my romantic notion, and I realized that she couldn't change her plans from now on.
"But you will come back, won't you?" Marie didn't let up, and I was very grateful to her. She asked the questions that were burning on my mind and I didn't dare ask.
"How could I ever leave a woman like Hannah?" To underline her words she gave me a tender kiss and everyone was thrilled.
"Nevertheless, I will continue my journey for the time being. I would never forgive myself if I broke it off now. There are still some things I have to clear up for myself. After that, we will be together for good."
Our hands touched and even though I didn't really like this short-term view, I knew that this was the right way.
A few hours later we went for a walk on the beach and were only one thing left. "Emma, I want to share my life with you. I know how crazy it might sound. We hardly know each other. But you changed my life and you turned it upside down from now on."
"I would like that, too. But give me the space to finish my journey. My heart, soul and future are with you. I can't fight my feelings. You are the part of me that I live for."
Her words touched me deeply and expressed what moved me. Yes, I wanted to give her the space We had our whole lives ahead of us.
The time was running far too fast and the moment of farewell was there. Unable to make a single sound, I got into the car with Marie and Nina. John and Jeff would fly back to New York with Stacy, and Emma would continue her journey to Africa.
The lump in my throat made it impossible for me to speak. Tears were streaming down my face and we kissed each other passionately to say goodbye. Fortunately, I had more than one memory now.
EMMA
Also, the second farewell from her hurt endlessly. But now I left her with the certainty of our feelings.
During the whole drive to the airport I cried and smiled at the same time. Even if a voice inside me became loud that I should stay with her, I could not help it. I owed it to myself to continue my journey. If I lost sight of my goal now, I would probably lose myself sooner or later.
Since my first day at school I have been one of the doers. No matter what, I was there, rolling up my sleeves. No effort was too great and no obstacle too great. I seldom went through a quiet period. Again and again I was confronted with new tasks or tests. Especially in the last few years so much had happened. Slowly, however, I ran out of breath and could no longer run unperturbed in one direction. Yes, I was sure I owed this phase of calm to myself and my life. But Hannah also deserved it that I cleaned up my life.
As a farewell we promised to keep in touch without feeling the obligation to report every day. It was a good feeling with which I boarded the plane a few hours later.
HANNAH
Somehow, I managed to calm down. The last hours seemed like a dream. That's what I told Emma in the minutes we parted. In her charming and unfettered way, she just replied, "I'm not a dream Hannah, I'm reality."
What formulation? Yes, she was real. Although we would probably not see each other in the next few months, I was sure that we would survive this period as well. Even though I was reluctant to let her go, she had to finish her way.
"So, what do you think?" I asked Nina and Marie. "Well, quite nice." My horrified face made them both shake with laughter. "No, seriously, she's great, and I can understand she excites you." "How, you can understand this?" teased Nina Marie and gave her a kiss. "Well, I think she's great," Nina now also started talking. "She is charming, has something on her mind and looks adorable on top of it." Es was pleased that both were enthusiastic about her. And the greatest thing was that she was now an existing person for my friends. So far they had to trust in my stories.
"But more important than our opinion of her is the fact that you finally met again. How was the meeting for you?" Marie wanted to know.
"I'm still completely blown away. I expected everything, but not to start the new year with her. You can't imagine how it felt to see and touch her after so long."
At the thought of this moment this warm wave went through me again and I gave a sigh of myself.
The rest of the ride we talked, laughed and sang. The happiness inside me was indescribable.
EMMA
Egyptian according to the ministry of public relations - which certainly existed in this country - the cradle of civilization. For me a country that gave me very paradoxical and contrary impressions and feelings. On the one hand there was pomp and splendour, but on the other hand there was also bitter poverty.
When my taxi took me from Cairo airport across the city to my hotel, I saw both sides - great hotels and museums and two streets away houses without doors, used as dwellings by countless people.
Although I had now travelled many countries, this was really a leap into another society - and way of life. Just like New York, you got the feeling that this city never sleeps. Five-lane streets were a struggle for pedestrians to survive. To cross the street, it was good to close your eyes and trust in God.
A visit to Giza with the pyramids and the sphinx, made me laugh involuntarily. The grandeur of these buildings drew me into another time. But a look past the big lion statue showed me that civilization here was now going in a different direction. The golden M also provided the culinary supply of the tourists here.
Nevertheless, I was enthusiastic about the cultural and historical diversity in this country. Because whoever has once seen a sunset on the banks of the Nile in Aswan will be enchanted and captivated by this sight, for which our calendar does not matter.
How I would have loved to share these impressions with Hannah. In thought we were closely connected and whenever there was a possibility I sent her a short travel report via email. And the longing grew with every day. I wanted to be with her.
HANNAH
"Marie, would you like to come with
me to the wedding?" An and for herself the question was superfluous, as John Marie and her girlfriend had certainly already invited.
"Thanks for asking. John already invited us. Unfortunately, Nina can't come because she has to work. Although she asked for leave early enough, she can't get time off. But I'd be happy to go."
"This is stupid with Nina. But I'm glad you're coming with me." "Do you already know if Emma will be there?" Die I had already asked myself the same question, only I couldn't answer it. According to her plans she wanted to leave for Bali at that time. But I would have liked best to get her off the plane and not let her off my side. I missed her terribly. I often lay awake on my bed and let my thoughts go on the journey. Then I had the feeling that she was with me and I felt her hands on my body every moment.
"I can't tell you. I suspect not." "Where is she now?" "In Egypt. Got an email from her yesterday." "To be honest, I take my hat off to your girlfriend. I think it's pretty impressive that she's making the trip alone."
"I think so, too, and I can understand her, although I miss her infinitely. She told me that she has been dreaming about this journey for so long and how important it is for her. That's why we will survive this period."
"Honey, you're almost there."
I knew that, but the longing didn't care at all. It wanted her and it burned like a knife in my chest. Whenever I could, I looked at her picture. Yeah, Emma did it right. She cleaned up her life and made room for something new, room for us. One fine day we would be together and look back on these weeks and months with only a tired smile. What were a few months when you had your whole life ahead of you?
EMMA
After Egypt I travelled to Morocco and Tunisia and loved to roam bazaars, although for me as a blonde woman in these countries this sometimes ended up in a gauntlet. The smells, tastes and colours delighted me every day anew.
Each country had its own special charm and left different impressions on me, but basically they were similar in many ways. In contrast to some parts of the USA, especially in the big cities, family and tradition were honoured here with a completely different focus. Unbelievable many photos I could take in these countries. The slowness of life inspired me. Little by little I learned that in the Arabic countries the clocks tick differently. At the beginning I had some difficulties with it. But I got used to it and changed my mind. I calculated more time for everything and would probably never take so much tea again. Even I, as a non-smoker, could be enthusiastic about the evening Shisha.
The morning wake-up by the muezzin reminded of fairy tales from Thousand and One Nights. And yet there were moments when I had to hold back because of my upbringing. It was not for me to judge the way of life and traditions of these people. Fortunately, I never came into contact with real fundamentalist attitudes in which women play an absolutely subordinate role, although outwardly it is supposedly always only about the well-being of women. I did not dare to go that deep into the country after all. Especially since not every one of my interlocutors was an America fan.
The weeks passed and the rainy season on Bali was nearing its end, so that I could finally travel to the island of the gods. My flight took me via Singapore to Denpasar. Those who had once landed there and waited at customs for the entry permit might have been amused by the flight announcement in the arrival area. The special emphasis on the flight number and the hard tone used - probably involuntarily - caused amusement to all those waiting and thus at least shortened the perceived waiting time.
My taxi took me directly to my hotel in Ubud and I dived into this spiritual and all-encompassing balance on the island. So far I had read many articles or listened to travel reports from friends. I just could not imagine that this place was a very special one. But already in the first minutes I had to put my scepticism aside and opened myself to this new world.
Since I landed in the early evening hours, I could not absorb the glory of the vegetation until the next day. And so I did, as I did for the following four weeks. Only after that I was able to visit different places, go to temples to meditate there and also take a trip for example to Kuta.
This incredible energy of the places and the people filled me more and more every day. My still existing restlessness gave way to a constant feeling of happiness and the confidence of resonating with my feelings and thoughts. Slowly I began to realize that there was more to our lives than the search for fame, recognition and experiences. It was about the great connection, the invisible connection between everything that exists - whether visible or invisible.
My thoughts revolved around Hannah, my feelings and my future. Slowly I realized that I had to spend much more time on the island than originally planned. Inwardly, angels and devils entangled me in constant dialogue. On the one hand, there were my feelings for Hannah. Feelings that were unique and had made a decisive turn for my life. She was a special person, and I was sure that I wanted to share my life with her. With her I wanted to grow old, build a nest and look into the future together. But was the time, was I ready for it? Had I learned my lessons and cleaned up? Was I really already liberated and open for this relationship?
On the other hand, there was the responsibility to myself. I had spent my 40 years on this planet trying to please everybody. Mostly I had put my own needs on the back burner. This withdrawal had broken my neck in my last relationship. At some point it caught up with me that I only ever wanted to please my girlfriend. It was all about her being well, and I kept telling myself that I would automatically be well. The realization that I was wrong tore me away from my legs like a boomerang, and it took me a long time to understand what had happened. I had forgotten myself and my body showed me clearly. I had learned from it and wanted to do it differently this time, do it right this time.
But what was right? To leave and give up halfway through? Or stay and clean up after everything? Would she understand? Would she wait for me? Would I wait for me?
The questions accompanied me day after day. Only the voluntary work in the rice fields could change my mind for a short time. In addition, the physical work did me a lot of good and created pride in me, because my daily work was now really visible.
How fair was it of me to make her wait so long? I'm sure it was very hard for her, too, that we were apart. Sure, she signalled her complete understanding in every conversation and every email. But was I allowed to expect such a sacrifice from her? By separating, she renounced to live out a happy relationship. I was here, unknotting my life and seriously expecting her to endure this phase and to put her own needs behind her.
Every look in the mirror and every conversation with my meditation teacher made it clearer to me that I had to make a decision. A decision that was very difficult for me and that was in danger of losing Hannah. I more than realized that I had to be alone with myself for a few more months. And not somewhere, but here - far away from my normal life and separated from my friends, my family and my love. Through my teacher I learned that this time is a gift for me. A gift that allowed me to take my life in a different direction. The loneliness that I would experience - as painful as it would be - was necessary to heal my soul and to enter the relationship full of energy and passion. In order to experience this, it was necessary to put all contacts on ice and to free myself completely from the structures of my life. Whether Hannah understood this step, I could not judge, and I was afraid that she would condemn me for it and question my love.
HANNAH
Now I hadn't heard or read from her in over 4 weeks. And even the last message from her had been somehow distant. Almost as if she wasn't sure anymore. If only I understood what was going on. How I would have loved to travel to her and share a part of her self-discovery with her. Only that wouldn't have been the purpose of her journey. She wanted to treat herself to this experience and my presence would certainly have influenced the impressions and insights. So, I held back and distracted myself.
I remember exactly how the day began. It was Friday and after a strenuous week in a projec
t in Hamburg I wanted to use the day to do something good for myself. Emma had not only taught me that I was only good for other people and tasks if I was good and respectful to myself. So, I allowed myself a "Hannah day" every fortnight. For this Friday I had planned an extensive breakfast followed by a visit to the sauna.
But when I opened the mailbox, everything was to take a completely different course. Full of joy at a letter from Emma, I stormed back to my apartment and made myself comfortable on my couch. I took a deep breath and the familiar tingling in my stomach took its place.
My dear Hannah, where should I just start?
Die Travel and the impressions are very lasting and move me deeply. Never before in my life I have felt such peace and balance. For the first time, I have the feeling of having arrived at my own place. This state is good for me and my further life. I have never felt so close to myself, so clear and so coherent. Many questions I could already answer or work on for me. Like from an old coat I could separate myself from experiences and injuries. But there are still things that I am still in the process of, that I still need time to actually process. I have many conversations with my meditation teacher and I know that I have not been able to work on all points for a long time.
Daher I now have to make a decision that I and probably you as well will not like. I will extend my stay on Bali by 12 months. The extension also means that I will put all contacts to the outside world on hold during this time. I want to be very conscious with myself, my feelings and thoughts.
Since I cannot expect you to wait another year for me, I will part with you. I know I am in danger of losing you. But I can't look in the mirror while I'm holding you in the waiting position. Since I can't tell you how to feel, I just ask you to respect my decision. Believe me, my heart is bleeding and I can't imagine to live just one day without your love. The thought of losing you hurts. But it would not be fair to ask or expect such a sacrifice from you just so that I can find myself.