With Every Breath
Page 14
Wade Sterling, ultimate lone wolf, cold and uncaring, unfeeling, completely unhinged by a petite blonde-haired, green-eyed temptress. Oh yeah, Eliza was his kryptonite. His one and only weakness.
“You think I’m an idiot,” she protested. “You think I’m careless, stupid, trying to get myself killed. You were pissed when I was abducted, pissed that I was tortured and livid when I wanted to be included in the takedown of the monsters who did that to me. Like I was too stupid to live for wanting to get vengeance on the bastards who rendered me powerless instead of sitting on the sidelines like some helpless twit while my big bad coworkers took care of business so poor, helpless Eliza could sit on her hands at home and wait for others to seek revenge that was rightly mine to seek. And now you lie here saying you admire me? Is this some kind of bullshit you’ll say in order to get me to comply with what you want so I’ll tuck myself away and play the hapless damsel in distress and expect others to do my dirty work for me?”
“Did you not hear a word I just said to you, woman?” he roared. “I care about you. I care a hell of a lot! Do you think I was pissed at you because you were abducted and fucking waterboarded and God only knows what else because you never shared exactly all you endured? Do you think I was pissed at you because you wanted to get back your own in the takedown? Jesus, you are an idiot.”
Her mouth gaped open and then shut and he put a finger over her lips before she could say anything further. He leaned in close so that their noses nearly touched.
“I was pissed because someone took you. I was pissed because those bastards put their hands on you. They tortured you. They hurt you and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could do to stop it. I wasn’t pissed that you wanted in on the takedown. I was pissed because you were in no condition to be going anywhere except to bed and I was sick to my soul imagining you being hurt or killed because you’d just gone through hell and had no business going into a high risk op. And I was pissed as hell that you nearly fucking died because a bullet meant for you would have gone right through your pretty neck and if it had hit you there wasn’t a goddamn thing anyone could have done except watch you bleed out. And lastly I was pissed because you refused to take any downtime after your abduction and torture or after the op was completed and it was over. You were and have been running on fumes for a fuck of a long time and now I know why. I’m worried about you, Eliza. I’m sick with worry because I care a hell of a lot about you and what happens to you, and if I can prevent anything else from happening to you then by God I’m going to do just that whether you like it or not. Whether you hate me or not. Because at least you’ll be alive to hate me.”
He took a deep, steadying breath, trying to regain control of his raging emotions. Her eyes were round and wide with absolute shock. Maybe he was finally getting through to her.
“As for admiring you? Jesus Christ, woman. You are the most infuriating, exasperating, brave, tenacious and loyal person I’ve known in my life. Other people can’t hold a candle to you. I don’t think there’s another person like you on this earth. And by God, you’re mine. I’ve laid claim and I’m not letting you go, so get over whatever problem you may have with that because you’re stuck with me and I’m not going anywhere except wherever you go. Is that clear?”
He took his finger from her mouth and her lips parted and dropped open as she stared at him in wonder. Her mouth opened and closed repeatedly as if she couldn’t get out what she wanted to say. Then finally she spoke, her words hushed, barely above a whisper as she stared at him, raw, conflicting emotions reflected in her eyes.
“You care for me?”
“I think I’ve covered that point,” he said dryly.
“But you hate me.” Confusion registered and she shook her head in denial of the truth staring her right in the face. “You can’t stand to be in the same room as me. You act like I’m the last person you want to be around.”
He sighed in exasperation. “And why do you think that is, Eliza? Think hard here. Does a man who hates you come for you when you’ve been abducted and tortured and hold you to reassure himself you’re all right? Does a man not even employed by your agency insist on being included in the takedown you insisted on being a part of because he wants to make damn sure you’re protected and unharmed? Does a man who despises you take a fucking bullet for you?”
“Oh my God,” she breathed.
“Now she gets it,” he muttered, rolling his eyes heavenward. “Swear to God you are the most hardheaded, stubborn woman in existence and damn if I’m not insanely attracted to every single part of you and that stubborn mind of yours. Do you honest to God think I made love to you out of pity? Or worse, to extort information from you? Got news for you, honey, I would have gotten your story without making love to you.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she said, desperation and bewilderment heavy in her voice.
Once again he put his fingers to her lips. “You don’t have to say anything. Only understand. Understand that you are not alone. Never again. That you aren’t doing this alone. Over my dead body will you confront this bastard and sacrifice yourself for me, the people you love or anyone else.”
SIXTEEN
“TELL me something,” Wade said quietly.
Silence had descended in the aftermath of Eliza’s emotional outburst and Wade had seemed to sense that she needed time to collect her thoughts and to process the bomb he’d dropped on her. She’d been shocked when he’d declared he had feelings for her. Stunned. It was the very last thing she’d expected him to admit.
Wordlessly, she glanced up at him in question. She was still wrapped solidly in his arms, ensconced in the comforting security and warmth of his embrace. His strength. She wasn’t sure she could withstand any more of his unexpected confessions and she mentally braced for what was clearly occupying his thoughts.
He was regarding her intently, but no judgment or disgust was mirrored in his dark gaze. Somehow she found comfort in that when she had so little else to draw reassurance from.
“Did you ever have sex with Thomas? You said you wanted to but he said you were too young, but did you eventually?”
She was pathetically grateful he hadn’t asked her if she’d made love with Thomas. Especially now when Wade had made love to her. Had shown her the difference between sex and making love, even if the thought freaked her out.
“No,” she said in a low sorrowful voice.
“You regret that?” he asked in surprise.
“No! God no. But, Wade, I would have. I wanted to. I fancied myself in love with him. I already had our future mapped out. We’d consummate our relationship when I was old enough and ready, according to him, but I would have had sex with him regardless of whether I was eighteen or not and that shames me. I was envisioning home, heart, babies, all the things a young girl dreams of when she’s been deprived of the hope of ever having those things.”
“You have to stop holding yourself accountable for things you felt when you were still a child,” he said gently. “How many have there been?”
She blinked, uncertain as to where this line of questioning was going. What he was leading up to. Surely he couldn’t be jealous of other men or rather man she’d had sex with. She’d rather forget the entire embarrassing episode.
Heat burned her cheeks and she tried to look away, but Wade wouldn’t let her. He simply stared at her, again with no judgment or accusation in his eyes. Just patient understanding as though he simply wanted to know everything there was to know about her. Her secrets, things she’d shared with no one. Things he wanted her to share—and trust—with him.
“Just one,” she choked out. “And it took me years to work up the courage. Years to stop feeling guilt that I was in some way betraying a man who in no way deserved my loyalty or fidelity and also because after him, I didn’t trust myself, my instincts, my choice in men. Because obviously my instincts had been all wrong. God, I was so stupid.”
“Stop,” he said harshly. “Just stop it, Eliza. Stop bea
“Why do you ask?” she asked defensively. “Why does it matter how many men I’ve slept with?”
“It matters because if you’ve only ever had sex with one other man, then I’d like to know why me. It’s obvious sex is not casual to you. Was I just someone you wanted to fuck you to make you forget? Was I a convenient dick? Would any man in the right place at the right time have done? Would he have satisfied you?”
She looked at him in horror, mortified by having her crass words thrown back at her, much the way she’d thrown them at him. It was no less than she deserved after the way she’d treated him. Like he had been a convenient dick and that she’d been using him as some sort of emotional crutch, but it hadn’t been that way. Not with Wade and she was at a loss as to explain why it had been different. Why he made her feel different. The way he made her feel scared her and made her feel vulnerable and open, as though he was the first person she’d ever let past her carefully constructed barriers. He was the first.
Seeming to sense her hesitation, Wade spoke. “You mean something to me, Eliza. I’m merely trying to ascertain whether I’m flying solo here or if maybe, just maybe, you aren’t as immune to me as you’d like me to think. That maybe you have feelings for me buried under all that animosity we both use as a shield, protecting ourselves from the truth of just how much we mean to one another.”
She froze, shoving her hands beneath the covers so he wouldn’t see how badly shaken she was. How his words gave her a ridiculous thrill, and worse, allowed her the forbidden comfort of hope. But he wasn’t fooled. He wasn’t a man to ever be easily fooled. His eyes softened with so much tenderness and understanding that it was all she could do not to dive into his arms and burrow as deeply beneath him as possible and hide from the world. Lean on him. Borrow his strength and invincibility because Eliza felt anything but invincible right now.
“Is it so hard to admit you feel something—anything—for me?” he asked with gentle patience she hadn’t thought him capable of.
She could swear she heard hurt and uncertainty in his voice, but that was impossible. Wade was made of stone. Impenetrable and at times so icy that he could make her shiver with one look. And he was nothing if not ultimately confident. He wore arrogance like others wore clothing. Why would he care how she felt about him? Why was he acting like it mattered and why did she feel as though so much hinged on her answering him honestly and that if she chose wrong, she stood to lose more than she ever imagined?
Because he cared for her.
She was still shaken by his admission, because he wasn’t a man to ever express his feelings and open himself up to rejection. How could she reject him when he’d put everything on the line for her?
He’d laid bare his soul and she’d given him nothing in return. Nothing at all. Not even her trust. He’d risked everything to come after her. Risked his life by refusing to back down and leave before Thomas discovered his presence. And Wade was not a man to ever put himself in a position of vulnerability. He was cloaked in shadows, much like herself. His past was nebulous and questionable. So was his present. And yet he’d opened himself to her in a way she’d never imagined him opening himself to another living soul. That more than anything told her that she meant something to him. Not something. Everything.
“I feel too much!” she nearly shouted, the words bursting free before she could call them back. “There, are you happy? Are you satisfied? Haven’t you taken enough pieces from me? Will you not be finished until there’s nothing left of me at all?”
He gathered her tightly in his arms, ignoring her angry protests, her attempts to push him away, her struggles and her tears of helpless rage and frustration. “Was that so hard?” he asked gruffly. “Baby, I don’t want to take you apart piece by piece. I don’t want to take until there’s nothing left. Never that, my love. I want to give you everything in my power to give. I want to put all those pieces back together so you can be whole again. So you can be mine. My Eliza. Not this shell of her lying in my arms right now. I won’t rest until I have all of her back.”
“She isn’t there,” she said sadly. “She’s never been there. She isn’t even real. She’s a role I’ve played for years while I’ve hidden like a coward from who and what I really am.”
“No baby,” he denied. “You became who you weren’t meant to be. And just so you know, you sealed your fate when you told me you didn’t hate me and that you cared for me. When you thought to protect me because I’m important to you. I’m not a patient man in any sense of the word. Except when it comes to something I want and something that is worth waiting for. I’ll wait for fucking ever if that’s what it takes, but you’re mine, Eliza. Mine. And I don’t give up what is mine without one hell of a fight. So prepare yourself for fucking war. Fair warning, I fight dirty and I don’t fight fair. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to make you mine.”
“I’m not yours!” she said in desperation. “I don’t belong to anyone.”
The last was said with sadness heavy in her heart. Once she would have given anything to have belonged to someone. To be cared about, cherished, loved. But she’d given up those fanciful, unrealistic dreams a lifetime ago because they weren’t real. Would never be real. No matter how hard she wished otherwise.
His gaze swept hotly over her naked body, possession glittering in his eyes.
“No?” he asked in a dangerously low voice that should have sent her bolting from the bed as fast as possible. But the steel bands around her body held her firmly in place. “I think perhaps another demonstration is in order.”
Panic swept through her, but before she could react to his sultry statement and the glittering determination in his eyes that told her she was in way over her head, his mouth descended on hers. Hot, passionate and oh God, loving and so very tender that it brought the sting of tears to her eyes.
His tongue swept inside her mouth, delving deep until he tasted her and he was all she could taste. She tried to insert her hands between them, to push him away, but he merely held her more firmly, telling her without words that she wasn’t escaping.
She let out a moan that was part desire and part despair. His kiss gentled and then he feathered his lips over her cheek, down her jawbone and then upward, pressing his mouth tenderly over both eyelids. He licked away the tiny evidence of moisture at the corners of her eyes even as his arms fully enveloped her, anchoring her body to his.
“You matter, Eliza,” he whispered against her skin. “You matter to a lot of people, but you matter to me. To me. And I’m not letting you go now that I’ve finally gotten you where I want you.”
He rotated, rolling until he was solidly atop her, his warmth and strength seeping into her very bones. When was the last time she truly felt safe? When was the last time she felt free to just . . . be? He overwhelmed her. Made her feel all the things he’d attributed to her. In his arms she truly felt precious. Important. Loved . . .
She shook her head in silent denial. She wouldn’t—couldn’t—go there. No one could ever love her. Find her worthy. How could they when she knew the truth? When she bore the sins of a lifetime and there would never be absolution for her. But God, he made her want. Just for a few precious moments, he made her dream of what could have been if she hadn’t made so many mistakes.
“Whatever you’re thinking, get it out of your head,” Wade said fiercely. “Look at me, Eliza. Look only at me and see me.”
Reluctantly she lifted her gaze to his, so afraid of what he’d see. Of the evil lurking beyond the façade she’d perfected over so many years. A knot formed in her throat, robbing her of the ability to speak, because there was only understanding. Gentleness and such tenderness that it made her want to weep all over again.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, his lips hovering just above hers. “Inside and out. Never have I met a woman as fierce, loyal, loving and vulnerable as you. You break my heart, baby. And as God as my witness I’m going to piece every part of you back together so that one day you’ll look in the mirror and see exactly what I see. A woman who stands for good. A woman who won’t back down at the first sign of adversity. Someone who will go to the wall for those she loves. A protector of the innocent and bringer of justice. And you’re mine.”
Satisfaction was a savage light in his eyes as he announced his claim. He didn’t wait for a response, not that she could have given him one anyway. He ravaged her mouth in a hungry kiss as if he were starved for her. As if he’d waited forever for this moment. It bewildered her. He bewildered her.
His mouth swept down her throat, his teeth grazing her sensitive skin, alternately sucking and nipping his way down to her breasts. Her hands fluttered to his shoulders but he quickly captured her wrists and pinned them above her head, holding her in place while he took possession of every inch of her flesh.
For a moment she struggled, not liking that she felt so helpless, but he raised his mouth to hers again, shushing her with a deep, spine-tingling kiss.
“You know I won’t hurt you, baby,” he said, his eyes full of tenderness. “But this is my show. I’ve waited for fucking ever to have you beneath me, mine to do with as I wish, and I’m going to savor every minute of it.”
The lump in her throat grew larger. He couldn’t possibly mean it. His words, his expression, the way he looked at her. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. No one could ever love her. Not after knowing all she’d done.
“Stop,” he said in a forceful voice. “Stop thinking and just feel. If you won’t believe my words then I’ll have to show you what you mean to me.”
She stared at him with all the fear and vulnerability she felt. He had the power to destroy her. She, who admitted no weakness, no vulnerability, had realized that he held the key to her ultimate destruction. If he turned away from her after making her believe . . . She closed her eyes, unwilling to even think it. He could destroy her when nothing else had. He could do what even Thomas had been unable to accomplish and she hated being so powerless against Wade.
“Baby.”
Just one word. So filled with the one thing she’d never allowed herself to even entertain. The one thing she had craved above all else. He kissed her again. And again. Then he began working his way once more down her body, lavishing so much caring in every kiss, every caress.
He pressed a kiss to her navel and then flicked his tongue into the shallow indention, causing an immediate eruption of chill bumps over her belly. He went lower still, gently parting her thighs, patiently waiting when she immediately went rigid. He merely waited, lifting his gaze to hers as though silently willing her to trust him. And oh God, she did. She did trust him.
Gradually she relaxed and he spread her legs, running the tip of his finger through the net of curls between her thighs. He grew bolder, parting the soft folds and then caressing the sensitive bundle of nerves at the very heart of her.
She cried out when his mouth followed suit and he carefully licked and then sucked the taut bud into his mouth. He licked his way downward, leaving no part of her most intimate flesh unattended. The tip of his tongue circled her opening and then delved within. Her back bowed off the bed in an unconscious plea for more. She wanted all of him.
“Wade, please,” she cried.
Her outburst seemed to wrest his carefully wrought control from him as though he’d been using great restraint until now. Suddenly he was dominant and forceful, his body moving over hers, his eyes glittering with harsh need that matched her own.
Once again he pinned her wrists above her head, holding them tightly against the mattress so she was helpless to move. His big body covered hers in a blatant show of dominance as he fed ravenously from her mouth, her neck, bending lower to ravage her breasts.
No longer did he take things slow and sweet. He was showing her his ownership, that he’d never let her go now, and God, but she didn’t even care. She wanted—needed—was desperate for release. Need clawed at her insides. Never had she felt anything to match this. Never had she even imagined needing someone the way she needed Wade.
He kneed her thighs apart, his turgid erection prodding urgently at her opening. In one thrust he was so deep inside her that she couldn’t differentiate between the two of them. In that moment they were one person. One body. She gasped at the fullness but then he withdrew and hammered forward again, wringing a desperate cry from her.
She wanted to touch him, to caress him as he’d done her, but her arms were firmly captured against the bed, his hands wrapped around her wrists as he pounded into her over and over. And suddenly he yanked himself from her body and she whimpered her protest, suddenly bereft of his warmth, his comfort, his strength.
Before she could ask him what was wrong, he flipped her over onto her stomach and once more placed her arms above her head with a gruff command not to move them. Then he slid one strong arm underneath her belly and lifted her to her knees. When she would have raised her head, he gently placed his palm over her hair and pushed her head back to the pillow.
With her ass in the air, head down and arms above her, she felt . . . captured. Deliciously so. Arousal thrummed hotly in her veins. Wade wasn’t finished with his show of ownership.
His fingers dug into her hips and then feathered over her behind. She felt the brush of his lips at the small of her back and she closed her eyes as her thighs were once again parted. Then he was on her, inside her, plunging so deep that she gasped and balled the sheets with her fingers into tight fists to stave off her impending orgasm. Not yet. Oh God, not yet. She closed her eyes as her body rocked forward with the force of Wade’s thrusts.
He set a relentless pace, hard, deep, planting himself into her very soul. And yet through it all, his hands and mouth were gentle on her skin. So tender and sweet her heart ached. It was as if he were sending her a message, one she’d refused to hear verbally.
“How close are you, Eliza?” he asked hoarsely. “I want you with me, baby. Always with me.”
“Close,” she choked out. “Please don’t stop, Wade. Please.”
He pressed his lips between her shoulder blades and whispered against her skin. “You’ll never have to ask me for anything that is within my power to give you.”
As brutal and commanding as his pace had been earlier, he slowed now, stroking leisurely, prolonging both their releases. And when it came, it was nothing like Eliza had ever experienced in her life. It was so beautiful and heartrending that she couldn’t have spoken if she wanted.
Wade lowered his body to hers, following her down flat on the bed. He rolled to his side so she didn’t bear his weight, still embedded deeply within her. He wrapped his arms solidly around her and held her tightly against his thudding chest. He buried his face in her neck and remained so for several long moments.
Emotion overwhelmed Eliza. As did regret. Tears streaked down her cheeks as she clutched at the arms wrapped firmly around her.
“Eliza?”
Wade sounded worried and unsure. He lifted one hand to wipe at her cheek.
“Baby, what is it? Did I hurt you?”
She shook her head mutely and then closed her eyes, her heart shattering into a million pieces.
“Oh God, Wade. What have I done? I can’t let you fight my battles for me. I can’t risk you. I can’t lose you. It would destroy me,” she said tearfully.
His grip tightened around her and he kissed her temple. “And you don’t think it would destroy me if I lost you?”
-->