Repented

by Sophie Monroe

  “And, nothing. She was there grabbing some stuff from the closet. Then she walked out and saw Dana standing in the bedroom, she wasn’t too happy about that.”

  Her eyes widened. “Fuck!”

  “Yep. Though she specifically said in her letter that she would be in touch to come get the rest of her things and that she's done.”

  She pulled back onto the road and started heading toward the lab, again.

  “Never in my life have I been exposed to so much drama. The webs you assholes weave for yourselves are insane. How are you feeling this morning about everything?”

  “I’m just ready to get it over with. To just know one way or another, so I can start reclaiming my life. Sure, I’m still upset about how things went down and losing Bryn, but who knows maybe it was for the best, after all. I deserve someone that won't jump ship as soon as the water gets a little choppy.”

  “I’m glad you’re not losing touch with reality. I wasn’t around when you were out of control, but I heard how bad things were. I don’t want that for you, Kev. You’ve become like family to me. You’re an uncle to my kids, and we’re all worried about you. Derek will get over it and him being with Joss will help blow it all over too. But, you need to keep your head level. You know my story. You know how easy it is to become self-destructive, just keep on focusing on who you’ve fought to become. Please,” her eyes brimmed with tears.

  Aubrey was always so blunt and unfiltered. She had one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I’ve ever met. As crazy as it sounds, I knew the first time I met her that she and Jake were meant for each other. I always worried deep down if I was destined for failure, or being alone, until Bryn. In hindsight, I realize now that I never had the opportunity to experience things on my own after I got my shit together and that maybe this would be a good time to do that. To take some time to do things for me.

  “We’re here,” she said pulling into a parking spot in front of the lab.

  “Aubrey, thank you. Thank you for being here with me and for everything. You’re a great friend.”

  She leaned over and pulled me into a strong hug. “You’d do it for me and any of us.”

  Opening the door, I drew in a deep breath and waited for her on the sidewalk. The inside of the lab was completely unwelcoming and sterile looking. Kennedy was already there with Skylar. I wondered how she explained what was going on.

  “Morning,” I said to Kennedy. “Hey, buddy.”

  I held up my fist to Skylar to bump, which he did with a smile on his face.

  “You ready for this?” Kennedy asked.

  “As ready as I’m going to be. Thanks for coming.”

  “Johnson and Scott, we’re ready for you,” A nurse with a clipboard called.

  “Here goes nothing,” I said, following Kennedy and Skylar. Aubrey went and sat in one of the waiting room chairs and picked up a magazine.

  We were ushered into a room and given forms to sign. After checking each of our ID's, the tech took cotton swabs and took samples from my mouth and Skylar’s. She explained the process and that someone would be in touch as soon as the results were in. In less than fifteen minutes, we were out of there with my future hanging in the balance. Aubrey stood up and started digging through her bag pulling out an envelope.

  “I got you guys tickets to go to the zoo. We figured it would be good for you to get in some quality time while you’re waiting.”

  Taking the envelope from her, I was disappointed in myself for not thinking of something like this on my own.

  “Does that sound like fun?” I asked Skylar, who shyly nodded his head. Kennedy smiled, and I could see she was pleased with the idea.

  Aubrey wrapped her arms around me and told me she would check in later to see how we made out. I followed Skylar and Kennedy to their rental car and gave her directions toward the zoo. Since I was an only child, I didn’t have a lot of experience with kids. Sure, I had been around the guy’s kids since they were born, but they were still little. I wasn’t sure how to start building a relationship with him.

  Looking over at Kennedy, it was crazy how much she still looked almost the same as she did in high school, a little older, but not much. Though I remembered bits and pieces of the night we slept together, there was still a lot that I didn’t. I guess at the time, I would have considered us friends, but now we were nothing more than strangers with possibly a kid in common.

  My parents had also been calling relentlessly since the wedding, but I didn’t need an earful of hippie love crap either. Awkward silence hung in the air, but surprisingly it wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable. I don’t think either of us knew what to say to break the ice. It was harder with Skylar being able to listen to our every word.

  Following the signs, we pulled off into the packed zoo parking lot. Don’t kids go to school anymore? Then I remembered it was summer. Turning around, Skylar’s face brightened up. He was still wrapped up in innocence and not corrupted by how fucked up of a place the world can be. I needed to remember that.

  KENNEDY

  Taking a deep breath, I opened the back door and got Skylar out. I put on the happiest face that I could muster and took his hand. Kevin wasn’t known for being the quiet one when I knew him back in the day, so him being practically silent on the way here made it a little uncomfortable. It seemed like he wanted to be here, but I couldn't tell if it was just a facade. There was so much I wanted to say but didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to say or do to break the ice. My little life had changed so much in the blink of an eye. I was doing my best to keep Skylar shielded from everything as much as possible. I didn't want him affected by any of this. How we lived was what he knew.

  Kevin stood waiting for us and pulled the tickets out of his back pocket.

  “You ready to have some fun, Skylar?” He asked.

  Skylar seemed at ease and excited. Right then, there was no doubting that Kevin was at least trying. “Yep, I haven’t been to a zoo before.”

  Kevin looked at me and I shrugged. It was hard for me to take him to do things like this when I had to work, and we didn’t have a lot of extra money. Even things like going to a movie or getting McDonald’s were saved for special treats. We made our way to the long line and waited to go through security. I don’t remember zoos having security. I guess the times had changed from when I was a kid. Though the only time I'd get the luxury of doing something like this was a class trip.

  When we made it to the front of the line, Kevin handed the guy our tickets, and they waved the metal detector around him. His wallet set it off, so they had him step off to the side. Skylar and I were let through and asked to keep moving. They quickly frisked him and saw that he didn’t have any weapons and sent us on our way. Skylar’s face lit up when he all the animals came into view.

  We veered to the left since everyone else was going to the right and started walking. We saw lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! Plus, a bunch of monkeys, different kinds of birds, reptiles and a variety of other furry friends. Kevin took the time to read off all the facts at each exhibit and him and Sky bantered effortlessly. I noticed he slowed his pace so that his stride matched Skylar's.

  After we had been about half way through, there was a concession stand that sold hot dogs, pretzels, and pizza. We stopped, and Kevin bought us lunch. Peacocks and ducks wandered freely around the table and flocked over when we started tossing them small pieces of bread.

  I was pleased to see the boys bonding, secretly wishing I fit into the picture a little more. Instead, it felt like my heart was in my throat the whole time. I was struggling knowing that Kevin was supposed to starting a new chapter of his life as a husband, only to have it taken away because of me. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. Also, seeing them like this made me wish I had said something sooner. All the things that he missed out on over the years because of me.

  Everyone thought I was holding on to Derek for a huge payday. Though I could use the money, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Deep down, I always held on
to hope that Derek would come back to me. That we'd be a family, because that was all I ever wanted. I should have known a long time ago that there was no chance of that, but it kept me going. After seeing him and Joss together, it was easy to see they belonged together. It stung, but he deserved to be happy. This whole ordeal was just as much about me starting over as it was them. I spent too many years running away that it was time start living in the present.

  Through the last half, I tried to keep a few steps behind them so they could feel like they were having more of a one on one experience. The only downfall was that it left my mind going a million miles an hour. I couldn't shut it off no matter how hard I concentrated.

  I didn’t have the easiest upbringing. Teenage junkie mother. Baby daddy, unknown. I was most likely conceived over a twenty dollar bag of crack. This left me being raised by my elderly grandparents. My mom was an oops, and my grandma had her at 47. Yeah, I know. My grandfather passed away when I was five, so that left me and my grandma. When I was eleven, my mom ended up being murdered by her pimp in a drug deal gone bad. I'd like to say I was torn up about it, but that's kind of hard considering I barely knew her. The only time that she came around was to ask Grandma for money that we didn't have.

  Tammi Meyers was only out for herself in this life. When I was a freshman in high school, right after Thanksgiving, my grandma passed away suddenly from a massive stroke. No other family wanted anything to do with me. I was the black sheep. Of course, they had no problem dividing the estate, what little there was. This epic fairytale landed me a spot in foster care.

  It was hunt or be hunted. There were more kids than spots, especially if you weren't an infant or toddler. A lot of the families that took kids in did it for the government cheese. Don't get me wrong, a good amount of people do it because they have a lot of love and a nice home to offer. That just wasn't the experience I was granted with. I was tossed into an overcrowded, co-ed group home where I was alone and scared.

  That’s where I met Derek. He was this built, tough, bad boy that no one fucked with. I was instantly drawn to him. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, but our relationship was toxic. We were both broken kids with little to no coping mechanisms. We fought all the time. People would always refuse to go out in public with us for fear of one of our “episodes”. But, he was my protector, and I can’t exactly say I didn’t egg him on a lot of the time.

  When we turned eighteen and got married, it was us giving the middle finger to the system. We lived in a tiny shithole of an apartment. We ate more Ramen than any human should ever consume, but we had some good times there. Young, stupid and in love. We survived. From the time I was a little girl watching Disney movies and reading fairytales, all I ever wanted was my own family. I craved unconditional love. Someone to fight for me, not with me.

  It was that night that Sky was most likely conceived that made me realize I was living in a world of delusion. Derek and I were no good for each other. In hindsight, I should have picked anyone other than Kevin that night. It was almost like my way of giving the ultimate fuck you to Derek. I didn't realize all the repercussions that would stem from it at the time. Kevin was wild, but always had a good heart. Even then, you could tell that the person he is now was hiding somewhere in there, he just needed to find it.

  Seeing how patient he was with Skylar made me feel guilty for taking this away from him, from both of them.

  Before I knew it, we came up on the exit. Hours passed by like minutes. If only I were able to enjoy it more than I did. Of course, the exit for the zoo was through the gift shop.

  “Hey buddy, do you want something?” Kevin asked. Skylar’s eyes lit up. He looked at me for permission, and I shrugged. He looked at Kevin grinning and nodded his head. “Okay, let’s find you something.”

  Kevin put his hand on Skylar’s shoulder and led him over to the stuffed animals. He dropped down to be more on his level, and it made me smile. After finding one stuffed monkey for $24.50 we were on our way. I wasn’t sure how this was going to turn out, or what the future held, but overall and given the circumstances today was a good day.

  CHAPTER SIX

  GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY

  KEVIN

  Back in the silence of my apartment, I was going with the twists and turns as they came. Kennedy was doing her best to give me space to get to know Skylar. I appreciated it more than she could ever know. He was a smart kid and asked tons of questions while we were at the zoo. It’s times like that where I’m grateful for Google.

  I finally bit the bullet and called my parents back. Although they were far from happy about what went down at the wedding, they were elated at the possibility of being grandparents. My dad didn’t say much, as usual, but my mom had a thousand and one questions. They were glad we did the paternity test and wanted the results as soon as I had them in hand.

  A knock on the door startled me. Part of me prayed that it was Bryn, but the chances were very slim. Quickly looking through the peep hole, I saw Derek standing there with a six-pack in hand.

  “You gonna open the door or just stand there creeping on me?” He said, putting his eye to the hole.

  Unlatching the door, Derek strode into the living room and sat on the couch.

  “My man,” he said patting the seat next to him and twisting a cap off a beer. “These are strictly for me so that you know.”

  “I figured. It’s been tempting, but I’m fucking trying.”

  “Listen, I needed to come here and apologize for being such a dick and handling that situation the way I did. Am I still pissed? Yeah, kinda. But, if it hadn’t happened I would have been stuck there, raising a kid that wasn’t mine and giving up my dream. In a way, you saved me. I would have never got together with Joss. She’s it for me, bro. Like legit, stick a fork in me I’m done. Toasted. Finished. I don’t even want to look at other girls. I can’t even get up with porn anymore, it’s that bad.” He took a long draw from his beer and cracked open another.

  “I’m happy for you, D. Honestly.”

  “Any word from Bryn?” He asked. I shook my head. “If it’s any conciliation, it’s better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho for the rest of your life. I don’t think she was all she was cracked up to be. She acted like this was the end of the world. Sure it was a huge shock, but if she were in it for the right reasons she would have stood by you. At the very least until shit was figured out.”

  “I don’t get it either. I thought we were forever, and I miss her, but I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. In other words, I don’t feel like how I thought I would be feeling.”

  “Stop. You’re beating yourself and trying to figure it all out. Best piece of advice from Granny Jean ever, don’t try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other. She couldn’t be more right if she tried and you know that woman is a genius.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. Granny Jean was Aubrey’s spitfire of a grandma. She smoked Lucky Strikes like a chimney, drank straight Jack Daniels and swore like a sailor. She had a way with words and tearing people new assholes, without making you realize she was doing it. Derek’s dad, Derek Sr., was going to be staying with her until he got on his feet. He was just being released from prison for a manslaughter charge stemming from a DUI accident that resulted in the death of Derek’s younger brother. His mom was so grief-stricken that she ultimately ended up taking her own life. The amount of pain and loss Derek went through, it's hard to believe he can even still manage to be optimistic.

  I reached to the table and picked up the bottle top. I tossed it into the air and caught it. “I’m past trying to understand everything. I’m taking every day as it comes. Things will work out how they're meant to.”

  “That’s a good attitude. I just wanted you to know that as pissed as I was at first; I love you like a brother. This whole situation blows harder than a hooker on rent day, but it’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to.”

  “Who do I speak
to about quitting adulthood?” I joked.

  “When you find out let me know,” he clasped his hand on my shoulder. “I’m taking the rest of these bad boys and getting back to Joss. I just didn't want you thinking I was still mad at you.”

  It was obvious to see he was indeed very much in love. I followed him to the door and locked it behind him. Knowing that he wasn’t pissed, and the band would remain intact was enough for me to feel like I could end the day. I grabbed my phone and put it on the bedside table. There was a text from Kennedy.

  Skylar is out like a light. Thank you for today. I hope it wasn’t too awkward.

  I responded. Today was great and not that awkward. It will get easier. Night!

  My big decision for the night was whether or not to see if Dana wanted to come back. She didn't expect anything from me. I hadn't seen her in years, and we picked up as if no time passed at all. She wasn't clingy then, and she's still the same way. As I contemplated it, I realized that wasn't necessarily feeling horny, but I wasn't feeling like being alone. I picked up my cell and called her. She told me she'd be over in twenty.

  After unlocking the door, I turned the television on and kicked back, putting my feet up on the coffee table. That was almost like giving another mental middle finger to Bryn. It drove her nuts, but oh did it feel good.

  When Dana showed up, it was obvious she had already been out having a good time. Her dilated pupils and carefree motions were sure signs she had recently snorted. She walked over to where I was sitting and straddled my waist, wrapping her arms around the back of my neck. "I wasn't expecting to hear from you again. I have to say, it was a pleasant surprise. How was the day with the kid stuff?"

  "Actually, it went well. We should get the results back in two days, right before I'm supposed to head back to Ohio to start recording again. But, so far so good. He's a cool kid."

  She smiled genuinely at me. "Glad to hear that." Her face turned hesitant. "Did you want a hit before we get started? Last night was fucking incredible. You went forever!"