by B. K. Leigh
“Seriously Alice, it’s really no big deal.” I step out of the embrace.
“Is he…Does he hit you?” her question throws me off guard and I know she can sense my confusion. “Knox, is he abusive?” her words slam into my chest like a ton of bricks. How could she even think that?
“What!” I screech in defense. “Knox would never hurt me.” My cheeks are burning red from anger. I know she’s only being a concerned friend but seriously, how the heck anyone could ever assume Knox has a mean bone in his body is beyond freakin’ me.
“Then how do you explain that?” she points once more and I can see how bad it looks. But honestly how can I even tell her that no it’s not Knox but my own mother and step father? Like that’s any better.
“Then who?” her eyes search mine for answers but I don’t let up. “We’re not leaving here until you tell me what’s going on Rae.” She tries to sound stern but the hurt in her voice is the more prominent emotion.
“Can’t you just drop it Alice? Don’t you think that maybe I don’t want to talk about it?” I bite back but continue on. “Maybe I want to forget that my whole goddam body is marked in some way or another and here you are trying to get me to talk about things I’d rather forget about.” I wave my hands in the air for emphasis trying to get my point across.
“I’m… I’m just trying to help you Raegan. I can help you get away, you know if it’s…Knox” her delicate hand comes out to squeeze my shoulder and I feel the anger drain out of me. How can I even be mad at her? She’s just trying to help me, I mean isn’t that what friends do?
I let out a huge breath. “I know, and I’m sorry but I’m just not ready to talk about it. Knox would never hurt me, that man has never been nothing but exceptional with me and would never raise a finger against me. I just wanted you to know that.” She shakes her head as if she’s agreeing with what I’m saying and before I know were wrapped up in a huge hug again.
“I’m sorry Raegan. I’m just trying to be a good friend.”
“I know. I swear I’d tell you if things weren’t fine but they are. I’m moving in with Knox in a few weeks’ time and things will only get better from there. Please don’t be mad at me for not explaining things entirely, just know that I will when I’m ready.” I squeeze her hard one last time and finally let go.
After the incident in the dressing room things seemed a little strained between us and we decided to call it a night about an hour before I had to be back. I didn’t mind ending our ‘girl time’ time early mostly because it gave me some time to go visit Knox before I had to be home to make dinner. The night ended up better then how it started. For the most part, Kurt let me be only shouting out a few derogatory names here and there. At this point though I’d take a few harsh words over the strike of his fist any day.
Chapter 17
Raegan
“Woah, slow down speed racer” out of the corner of my eye I see Knox grab onto the suicide handle beside his head and tighten his seat belt.
“Oh calm down you big baby, haven’t you ever wanted to see what she was made of?” My foot presses on the gas a little harder and Betty struggles to move faster.
“You act like we’re sitting in a brand new mustang babe, this trucks barely hanging on by a thread.” He chuckles as Betty lets out a loud choking sound and I take my foot off of the gas.
“Ugh! Fine but we’re gonna end up being late, I’ve never been asked to dinner before and I wanted to make a great impression!” as soon as I say the words the nerves from earlier come flooding back into my body.
“It’s not like you’ve never met them before,” Knox places a calming hand on top of my jean clad thigh. “Mr. Dugal already likes you.” His words are reassuring.
“Yeah but Alice seems like she’s still mad at me from the other night. Are you sure?” I ask.
“Oh trust me Rae if Mr. Dugal didn’t like you or I he definitely wouldn’t be inviting us over for a family dinner.” He says the last part with air quotes and a small smirk of a smile falls upon my lips. “And besides Alice was just trying to be a good friend to you, you guys will be fine.”
I was nervous when Mr. Dugal first asked us over for dinner. I was even more nervous when I found out Alice would be there. We haven’t exactly spoken a whole bunch since we went out almost a week ago. The look of shock couldn’t leave my face fast enough when Knox asked if I’d wanted to go. I always took Mr. Dugal as a no nonsense grumpy sort of guy besides the rare moments he seemed to be gentle and caring towards me but still not exactly what you would expect as a dinner host. I had only met him a handful of times, but from what I could see he and Knox got on great. Knox really admired his business skills and always spoke of getting some sort of degree in business and mechanics.
From what I understood Alice and her boyfriend Tristen were also going to be there, and that alone made me feel even more nervous. Had she told Tristen about what had happened at the mall? My bruises are my secrets and I couldn’t begin to explain how uncomfortable it would be if everyone at the dinner table knew about them.
“Turn left up here babe. He said it’s the last house on the right.” Knox fires off the last few directions as we finally make it to the house. When we pull into the driveway right the small ranch style home appears to be welcoming. It looks and feels homey with rose bushes and flower patches lining along the driveway and house. Red flower baskets and shutters surround each window frame making the house seem more feminine and inviting. Weird. The grass is well manicured and the house its self seems as if it was just freshly painted. It’s a huge contrast to the dark gloomy box I live in.
“Come on Rae. It will be fine.” Knox kisses my cheek and heads out of the truck, with me following close behind. After a swift knock the door goes swinging open as Mr. Dugal’s large body crowds the door frame.
“Knox, my boy!” a smile lights up his usually glum face as he brings Knox in for a quick man hug. My eyebrows scrunch up in confusion at his warm welcoming.
“Hey Mr. Dugal.” I can hear the uneasiness coting Knox’s words as they flow out of his mouth. This new version of Mr. Dugal has us both not knowing how to act. He’s usually so uptight and bitter it’s weird to see him bright and cheery.
“Miss Raegan.” I’m pulled in next as I watch Knox’s back retreat through the door way leaving me all alone.
“Thanks for having us Mr. Dugal.” The manners my mother instilled in me come out full force whenever I’m in the presence of company.
“Pleasures all mine baby doll, foods almost done cooking and Alice and Ryan are waiting inside.” I follow the round man inside and am pleasantly surprised to see the inside of the house is just as pretty as the outside. The walls are mostly white with a small patch of flowered wall paper wrapping around the tippy top of each wall. From the curtains, to the rugs and quaint little end tables you can definitely tell this house has a woman’s touch.
“That’s my wife Amy.” A sullen voice comes from beside me. I hadn’t noticed I stopped completely to look at a wall of photos lined along the hallway wall. Each and every one contains the same angel like woman. Blond hair and blue eyes with small build and a smile stretched from ear to ear. Its mesmerizing seeing how someone could be so completely happy.
“She was the light of my life,” he takes a pregnant pause. “She passed a few years back.” My heart cracks at the pain I hear in his voice.
“I’m sorry Mr. Dugal.” I say placing a small hand on his shoulder. Looking into his eyes I can see the years of love, passion and pain as he stares at the photos before us. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to have these photos be a constant reminder of what he lost.
“You can call me John.” He says sternly before adding “And it’s alright now. I discover little pieces of Amy in Alice each and every day.” His eyes seem to brighten at the mention of his daughter. Once he turns towards the kitchen I know this little moment of ours is over. I almost feel as if I can understand him better. Like how his moods seem to always
be changing. He’s had a lifetime worth of heartbreak pressing down on his shoulders ever since Amy died and Alice serves as a constant reminder.
“Raegan!” A high pitched squeal comes out as I step into the dining room. Alice comes barreling towards me completely wrapping me in a hug. “I’m so sorry about the other night.” She whispers for only us to hear.
“It’s okay.” I squeeze her tighter. A blinding smile spreads across her lips as we pull away. Our friendship means more to me than she could ever know. "You were only trying to be a good friend." I smile meekly. An awkward pause settles between us.
“Hey! The food smells great!” I say inhaling deeply. The steak, potatoes and biscuits piled high on the dining room table looks absolutely mouthwatering.
“Yeah well my dad’s one hell of a cook.” She sends me a wink and pulls me to the open seat next to her. Before I know it heaps of food are being placed on the table in front of us. After piling his own plate a mile high, Knox starts to fill mine to the brim.
“Hey!” I chastise. “Get out of here!” I swat playfully at his hands.
“Alright, alright. I surrender!” He leaves my plate alone only to start shoveling forkfuls of food into his mouth.
We eat in comfortable silence. Everyone seems to just be enjoying the others presence just being here. I take a moment to look around and take in my surroundings. A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to picture myself in this positon. I’m completely surrounded by people who care about me and it’s such a foreign feeling. For the longest time I was content with being alone. Once Knox came bursting back into my life I knew that option was out the window. What I wasn’t prepared for was all of the friendships our relationship would bring me.
Throughout the night I begin to notice Mr. Dugal and Knox speaking quietly to one another on more than one occasion. I know Knox would never hide anything from me but I can’t say the secret exchanges don’t pique my interest. What’s even more strange is when I ask Knox what it’s all about he just brushes it off. So I decide to leave it at that.
Sooner than later it’s time to leave. I settle into Betty with my head resting against Knox’s shoulder. Thinking about how my heart and belly are completely full.
Chapter 18
Raegan
Today’s the day. Today is finally the day I turn eighteen. For almost ten years this house has been nothing but painful memories, and finally I’m leaving it all behind. I packed what I could fit into my small backpack before work this morning and left the rest behind, including my necklace.
When I walked out the door I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt or regret. Years of abuse turned my heart cold towards the two people who should have taken care of me. The two people who were supposed to love and protect me above all else.
As the door clicked into place behind me and I promised myself I’d never step foot through it again. Every time Kurt put his hands on me I waited for my mom to intervene, to show some sort of sympathy for her own daughter but it never happened. I wonder how things will go for her when they realize I’m not coming back. Will she end up like me? Do I even care? Sadly I do. I wouldn’t wish that life on my worst enemy.
It’s weird to think about this new person I’ve become. Four months ago I was completely lost and broken fast forward to now I’m strong and confident. After all those years I told myself leaving was impossible, I finally have the courage to walk away. You can try to forget, but the truth is your past will always remember you.
I saved up a little over two grand these past couple of months. Just enough for me to get simple things I need to have a small head start in life. Alice has been a god send. Giving me extra hours and even a raise. She claims it’s the other way around but I know there’s probably not another barista in the state getting paid as much. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t really need it but I do, so I work harder and stay later. Anything I can do to repay her I do it. She’s been a great friend and confidant, like the sister I never had. The advice and guidance she’s given me has helped me considerably.
“You look like shit.” Alice chimes as she walks to the brewing pot of coffee behind me. We finally seemed to get past the whole mall incident completely. I guess ignoring it all together worked like magic for the both of us.
“Gee thanks Alice. Just what a girl wants hear first thing in the morning.” I roll my eyes as I slide a fresh tray of blueberry muffins into the shiny glass case. My stomach rolls at the smell. Once my mother got better she seemed to have passed her flu onto me. It’s never ending and all consuming. I feel like I’m constantly blowing my nose and kneeling next to the porcelain throne.
“You’ve been sick for weeks Rae. Maybe you should go to the doctor. Having the flu is a serious issue, and I can’t have you around all of this food and my customers.” I can hear the clear concern in her voice as she speaks. The only concern I have is not being able to have a steady flow of income if she forces me to leave until I’m better. I understand where she’s coming from, but a girl needs to make money.
“Fine. If I go see a doctor can I stay?” She stops what she’s doing and folds her slim arms across her chest, giving me a once over. “Pleaseeeee?” I draw the word out and give her my best puppy dog face.
“Fine Raegan, but if I see you run to that bathroom one more time you’re done…at least until the doctor clears you.” She doesn’t look happy but I’m grateful for her decision. I want to be able to support myself and lean on Knox as little as possible.
“Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!” I practically screech as I throw myself in her arms. She pushes me away almost immediately acting disgusted, but I don’t miss the playfulness in her eyes.
“No touching! I don’t want to catch whatever you have. I have a business to run!” She smiles as she backs away and walks back to her office. If only she knew what I have doesn’t spread. I clean everything while she’s gone…twice. Everything gets disinfected and wiped spotless. Just being her while I’m technically sick has me feeling guilty and extra cleanly. Every ounce and speck of dust and crumbs are completely gone by the third time I go over them.
It feels as if I’ve been doing this for hours. By the time Alice comes back out of her office, Stress lines mar her pretty face.
“Wow Raegan it looks great out here.” Her eyes widen as she slowly spins and takes in the sparkling pots and counter tops. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this place so…spotless.” Her worry lines fade away and are slowly replaces with lines of relief. Her shoulders sag as if a huge weight has been lifted off.
“Yeah well, it’s been really slow today so I had some time.” I watch as she runs a slim finger across the streak free counter top inspecting for dust and dirt and comes up empty.
“This is great. You did a really good job Raegan. You don’t know how much this helped me out.” she takes in a rugged breath. “I usually have to stay for hours after were closed just to get this place ready for the next day.” Her revelation astounds me, but Alice is a hard working woman and I should expect no less.
“It’s what I’m here for.” It feels weird, having all of this praise aimed at me. I try to think of whatever I can to change the subject but come up empty handed.
“Hey, would you look at that, it’s already two o’clock.” She checks her watch and looks up at me with a bright smile. “You’re officially off the clock.” She sends me a wink and I silently thank her for getting off the praise Raegan wagon.
“Yeah I guess it is. Time flew by fast today.” My stomach does a nervous dip as I slide my thin winter jacket on. Tonight I’ll be sleeping in a new bed in a new home, Knox’s home. Well technically it’s his mom’s home but for at least the next couple of months it will be mine too.
“Hey where’s Knox? Isn’t he picking you up today?” Alice asks. Although it’s only April the winter air still hangs onto spring by the skin of it’s teeth.
“Yeah he is, I’m just going to go wait outside for him.” I grab my backpack and head for the door, wishing Alic
e a nice day on my way out. The cold weather stings my warm cheeks and sends a vicious bite down my spine. After a few minutes of restless pacing I dig in my bag and find my phone to call Knox.
Knox: Hey babe, gonna be late getting you have to stay at the shop longer than expected.
My heart sinks as I read his message. I don’t want to stay outside and I really don’t want to go back inside the coffee shop. I’m typing back my reply when a mother and what looks to be her daughter walk by. Brown hair and blue eyes correspond with their matching denim outfits. The only difference is the bright silver chain hanging from the young girls slim sleek neck. My heart aches at the thought of my lost necklace and suddenly an idea comes to mind. I shoot Knox a quick text and tell him to pick me up at my house. I know exactly what I have to do.
I practically speed walk the whole way home and sigh in relief as soon as the house comes into view. Kurt’s truck is nowhere to be seen giving me more reason to continue forward. I creep toward the back door leading into the kitchen and slowly slide it open. When I left this morning I promised myself I’d never return, but I need that necklace. It symbolizes everything I am and hope to be, with Knox included and I need it to feel whole again. It sounds insane that a mundane object can cause such an emotional hole in my heart but I know once I have it back in my hands this feeling of emptiness will finally dissipate.
My ears perk up as I walk across the kitchen and past the living room entrance. The light rumble of a midday soap opera rambles on throughout the silence. My mother’s curled up body fast asleep on the old lumpy couch. As I walk towards their bedroom door the adrenaline pumping through my veins gives me all the strength I need to continue forward. Memories of the last time I was in here try to resurface but I force them back down trying to keep my focus.