Scandalous Past

by A H S Salt

  “Riley and I still talk, sometimes,” She quickly added, having seen my confusion.

  Just how often do they talk?

  I was sure it was only a one-night stand between my brother and best friend, she spoke as if they are something more. My eyes darted back to the photos. My heart broke looking at the picture of Cillian at the funeral, he stood slumped with his shoulders and upper body downward. He looked so distraught, broken even.

  “Where is Cillian’s Mom?” I asked curiously, staring at the screen.

  Macey shrugged her shoulders “Word is, she bailed on them when he was young.”

  I looked at her in confusion once more.

  That was something personal. Something I was sure probably wasn’t public knowledge, just how did she find out so much about Cillian, I wondered.

  To think a mother could walk out on her family disgusted me. My thoughts drifted to my mom. Even though we clashed over my choice of career, she had always been there for me. I couldn’t picture growing up without her, I don’t think I would be the woman I am today without the guidance of my mom.

  I passed the phone back to Macey, having seen enough.

  “You have to admit, the blonde is kinda cute” She voiced.

  I glared at her and shoved her shoulder “Really!”

  Her brows knitted “What? She is” Macey exclaimed. I threw myself back into a heap of cushions in a sulk.

  “Come on. Bed!” Macey ordered turning the TV off. “You will feel better tomorrow.” She stood up, with her hands on her hips waiting for me to follow.

  I stood, giving into Macey.

  “I really like him, Mace” I groaned. She had no idea just how much I felt pulled to Cillian. I couldn’t even try and explain my connection with him.

  For the first time ever, I felt like me.

  Cillian didn’t want me to be anyone else and for that, I knew he was a keeper. He embraced the good with the bad and took it all in his stride.

  Macey stopped me in my tracks and held both my hand in hers, standing face to face with me.

  “Jessica, I love you, I really do,” She said, giving my hands a gentle squeeze “But you have to stop being so insecure. Just call Cillian and ask him outright if he’s using you” She simply said.

  I stared long and hard at her “I am not insecure” I argued. I had been in a negative headspace the whole two years I dated Elijah. This whole scenario with Cillian was nothing like my past relationship.

  Was it?

  I frowned “Wait, am I being insecure?” I questioned, doubting myself. Macey opened her mouth about to speak. I tugged one hand free and held it up “Don’t answer that!” I warned. I rested my head against her shoulder feeling sorry for myself.

  “Urgh! Why do men have to be so damn complicated” I muttered.

  “Men will always be complicated, baby girl” Macey replied.

  “I never had Cillian down as a player. I thought he was different from the other guys. A good guy” I sighed.

  “Stop, Jess” Mace sighed back “You will only drive yourself crazy,” She said softly, as we made our way to my bedroom.

  “Do you think he is using me?” I asked, not really wanting her to answer, just needing to say it out loud. Her silence on the subject had me biting down on my bottom lip. She wasn’t bad-mouthing Cillian like I had thought she would have been quick to do - if she wasn’t giving me a yes or no then I knew she was being cautious of my feelings. We both stood on opposite sides of my double bed pulling the cushions off that was placed neatly on my pillows, disregarding them on the floor to make space for us to lie beside each other. We settled into bed face to face. Macey was quiet, no doubt evaluating my question as if waiting for me to give her permission.

  “Tell me the truth. Do you think he is using me?” I blurted out.

  Hesitating, Macey’s hand reached up stroking my hair away from my face. “I hope for your sake he isn’t using you” She answered “Because if he is. I will literally throat punch him” She beamed.

  “Mace” I sighed.

  My best friend rolled her eyes “I’m joking” She turned her back and hugged her pillow “Just be careful Jess. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.” Her words were soft but alarming. I lay on my back staring vacantly at the ceiling. Macey fell into a deep slumber. She was always the first to fall asleep - as soon as her head hit the pillow it was game over.

  I turned in a restless mood, unable to sleep with everything I had been told.

  I needed answers. I slowly pulled the duvet off me, trying not to stir Macey. I bent down for my jacket that was strewn on the floor at the bottom of my bed, I reached into my pocket and rested my back against the foot of the bed, pulling my cell phone out.

  I had a new message from Cillian.

  Enjoy your girl’s night.

  Missing you already

  It sounded sincere, but the feeling of being used weighed heavy on me.

  Are you using me? I typed, then deleted then typed the words again.

  I sent the message to him. Within seconds of having sent the text, my screen illuminated brighter.

  -An incoming call, from Cillian.

  “Shit!” I cursed.

  I fiddled with my volume, trying to put it on vibrate before Macey woke from my Star Wars: Imperial death March ringtone. The one I had downloaded specifically for incoming calls. It was really meant for my mother, but I couldn’t figure out how to apply it to a certain caller.

  I stared at my smartphone, unsure whether to answer or ignore it. I wanted to know if he was using me - but undecided if I wanted to hear what Cillian had to say. Before I could decide, the call ended.

  Feeling more awake than tired, I crept out the room, slowly pulling the door over. Making my way down the hall, my phone vibrated once again.

  I held my phone out and looked down, it was another incoming call from Cillian.

  “Why ask, if you’re not willing to hear what he has to say?” I muttered, rubbing my hand over my face. My stubbornness always does get the better of me, a part of me wanted to answer the call and talk it out with him. The other half was ready to scold me for even contemplating allowing myself to succumb to his phone calls. I laid my phone down on the breakfast bar and listened to the vibration of another one of Cillian’s incoming calls.

  I pressed the switch on my kettle to allow it to boil, preparing to make some chamomile tea - something to relax me. I stood with my back against the kitchen counter. I stared blankly at the phone, waiting for him to give up.

  We would still need to see each other at some point - my family saw him as one of their own. If I pulled away from Cillian now, maybe it wouldn’t be awkward. I could just blame it on alcohol, and say it was a mistake and that we shouldn’t have overstepped the line.

  The kettle whistling brought me out of my trance state. Ignoring the persistent vibration of my phone, I prepared the water into a mug and sat on the stool inhaling the soothing smell of the herbal tea.

  I found myself brooding over Cillian. From his intoxicating cologne, his kind eyes that could have me naked with a single stare - even to the way we had sex. The way he made my body react to his lingering touch had me lost for words. He had me ready to give him all of what I had to offer. Then I remembered - he bought the magazine that was wanting to print the photos of us. Surely, that meant something.

  Macey said whenever he was photographed in public with a girl, it wasn’t long before he would move onto a new girl.

  Will it be the same with me?

  A sense of sadness washed over me. I cupped my hands around my mug, edging off the stool retreating to my window. The view was nothing like Cillian’s, just the street lights that brightened up the sidewalk.

  After a few minutes of staring vacantly out onto the empty pavement, I turned towards my corner couch.

  I carefully placed my mug down on the coffee table. Not wanting to disturb Macey. I decided a night on the sofa would have to do, I tugged at the purple throw over and curled
up hoping to get some sleep.

  1

  SCANDALOUS PAST

  CHAPTER 11

  “Jess, do you want some coffee!” Macey’s foghorn voice had me peeking up from under the throw over.

  “Why are you shouting? I’m right here!” The morning sun casting Yellow Gold beams throughout the living room had me scrunching my eyes at the brightness.

  “And yeah, I want coffee” I interjected, as I pulled the covers back over me, preparing to have a couple of minutes’ shut-eye until it was ready.

  “Someone’s moody this morning. What’s up? Fell out with your boyfriend?” She asked in a mocking tone.

  “Grow up, Macey!” I muttered, refusing to buy into her playful banter “And he’s not my boyfriend” I added, caving to her.

  “That got your attention. Oh, by the way, you have a visitor.” She declared.

  I repeated what she said in my head, before peering out from under my covers, rather confused. Macey smirked then gestured towards my living room window, as she prepared our coffee.

  I stretched around to look at who Macey was nodding at, my eyes still trying to focus having been abruptly woken. I was shocked to see Cillian standing by the window in the same spot I had been last night, watching me entertainingly. He was standing dressed to perfection, yet again in a black suit and a crisp white shirt, sipping from one of my mugs.

  Instantly feeling like a tramp, compared to how he was dressed. I quickly turned to face Mace, pulling myself up. “You didn’t think to wake me up?” I asked in a tone that had her trying to hold her laughter in. She walked over towards me, holding out a mug of coffee.

  “Don’t blame me” She shrugged “Maybe you should have answered his calls!” Raising her brows at me. I took the mug and looked away.

  Did Cillian inform her about last night’s phone calls? I began sipping my coffee, hoping the caffeine would quickly wake me up.

  “And FYI I tried, you mumbled something, then slapped my hand away for trying to pull the throw from you. I’ll leave you two alone,” Macey declared, lifting her mug from the breakfast bar on the way out.

  “Mumbling, you say?” Cillian said amusingly. I knew he was talking about when he tried to wake me from his car the other night.

  I sheepishly looked up at Cillian.

  “Why didn’t you answer my calls?” His words had me regretting sending the god damn text.

  I shrugged, brushing a strand of my messy mane away from my face.

  “I wanted to come over, after you text me, but decided it was best to let you sleep on it” He announced.

  I shot him a look “Why?” I frowned, finally finding my voice “Because I would have shouted at you. Confronted you or even better refused to open the front door,” I asked, part of me was scared I just got fooled by a Joker once again.

  He walked confidently around the coffee table, unbuttoning his suit jacket to prevent creases in his Ted Baker tailored suit before sitting next to me. I pulled my legs away so he could sit down.

  “Why do you think I’m using you, Jess?” He asked desperately seeking answers, placing his mug down.

  “I looked you up on the internet; I saw pictures of you and a bunch of different girls.” My eyes dropped back down to my coffee unable to look at Cillian.

  I half turned towards him “Rumour has it, once you get photographed with a girl, you up and move onto the next girl,” I whispered, my insides twisted at the thought of it being true.

  “That’s a lie!” Cillian assured, “Of course I’ve had girlfriends’ if you could even call them that!” He scoffed.

  I exhaled in a rush “What does that even mean.” Trying my best to understand.

  He sighed “I thought the girls loved me for me, but it turned out all they ever wanted was the money or the lifestyle I could provide that most people could only dream of. I was naive. But most, if not all of those girls played the media” He shook his head “I had no idea they would tip the paparazzi off, in exchange for money.”

  A look of sadness washed over his face, as he explained just how ruthless the girls had been. I pushed all thoughts of the girl with the bleached pixie crop out of my mind. She never loved Cillian. She used him.

  My heart ached for Cillian at how much these girls exploited him for fifteen minutes of fame.

  “I should have answered your calls” I whispered, feeling foolish.

  “You should have,” Cillian said in a scolding tone. Turning to face me, he edged closer.

  “Jessica, I can assure you, I don’t move on to any girl or every girl for that matter,” He shifted slightly as if he was unsure of what to say, choosing his words wisely.

  “That’s why you’re different. You don’t know me from being in the magazines or from some gossip column. You see me for me, Cillian Claremont. Riley’s best friend and that’s how I know you’re different from the others. I’m not prepared to lose you, over Chinese whispers.” He cupped my chin, forcing me to look at him.

  I frowned “I thought you were just Cillian Claremont, but it turns out your Cillian Claremont the millionaire! You’re on most covers of the magazines” I gestured to the table where the magazines had gathered “And all over the internet. How can we try and be normal when you have eyes on you everywhere you go?” I asked, pulling away from him, feeling defeated. I put my mug down next to his and stood up making my way towards the bathroom, needing to wake up with a shower, since the coffee wasn’t working as well as I had hoped.

  “Jessica, please,” He said tightly.

  I shot him a look over my shoulder “Cillian, this between us, just complicates things,” I warned. He followed me as I walked into the bathroom. Cillian closed the door over having entered with me.

  “Why aren’t you willing to at least try,” He argued.

  I turned, grunting in frustration. “Try what? Try to be together just for us to fuck it up. We will just end up destroying each other”. I warned.

  I reached for the brass handles allowing the water time to heat up. Cillian leaned against the sink crossed his arms and stood watching me as I stripped off my clothes. I didn’t care that I was standing naked in front of him, he had already seen every last inch of me.

  The door swung open, and Macey walked in. The way she would, as usual, to keep me company as I showered.

  “Jess… is going for a ...” Cillian stuttered.

  “It’s okay it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Macey had pleasure in telling him, as she reached for her toothbrush urging him to scoot over, to allow her room to look in the mirror.

  “Mace, you agree with me, don’t you?” I glanced over at both of them, before stepping under the warm water, grabbing my chocolate scented body wash off the hanging rail. Cillian’s face was still in shock at Macey being present, while I showered.

  “With what?” She asked, looking at me from the mirror. I glared at her knowing full well she had been listening at the door, her timing of barging in was just perfect, it had forced Cillian to drop our conversation.

  “I know you were listening” I threw her a knowing look.

  Macey shrugged “Okay, fine! Maybe I was” She admitted.

  “Well back me up then!” I cut in.

  She turned and rested against the sink close to Cillian.

  “If I were you, I would just tell Riley that you and Cillian are hooking up?” She suggested gently “That will solve your dilemma” Macey turned to brush her teeth, having expressed her opinion.

  I stood under the water letting the bubbles rinse off before reaching up to turn the water off.

  My best friend had a point. But I still was unsure as to how to approach the subject with my brother.

  I reached my hand out, Macey was quick to pass me a towel. Wrapping it tightly around me, Cillian offered his hand, holding me tightly as I stepped out the shower, giving me space beside Macey in the mirror. She began going through and sampling all the perfumes I had laid out along my sink.

  Cillian leaned against the door fra
me, as I brushed my teeth, Macey sprayed my favorite Chanel perfume over my damp skin. Before making her way to the living room, dressed in my Black mini leather skirt, biker boots, and a plain white t-shirt. Seriously, I need to tell her to bring clothes that can be left here - I never get anything back from her!

  Cillian followed me to my bedroom.

  “Is that normal? Do you do that often, showering when the other person is there?” The way he asked, had me wondering why it shocked him.

  “Yeah” I shrugged “We’re not shy around each other. Why? Does that bother you?” I asked.

  “I’m just not too sure, I’m keen on sharing your nakedness.” He declared while walking behind me. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his cheek against mine as I rummaged through my drawers for undies before deciding on my white satin bra and matching thong. Having found something else, other than lace.

  I caught him looking at me in the mirror that rested on my chest of drawers.

  “Cillian-.” I started to try and find the words to say.

  “-Jess, I want you. I know you want me too, don’t give up on us, before giving us a chance” He stressed, he refused to loosen the grip around my waist.

  “Be mine,” He whispered. “It’s not like we don’t know each other. It’s just…. We have waited this long to know each other intimately.”

  Cillian traced kisses down my neck. I closed my eyes, savoring each one. Unsure if it would be the last.

  “What are you asking?” I opened my eyes, to meet his gaze in the mirror.

  “I want you to be mine” His excitement was contagious. I turned to face him, unsure of what would unfold from us dating one another.

  “You want me to be your girlfriend?” I asked in disbelief, the words sounding strange coming out of my mouth. Date Cillian Claremont, my brothers’ best friend. We only started fucking less than a week, and now he’s asking me to take him up on his offer of being his girlfriend.

  “Riley may never talk to us again, you know that?” I warned, “Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” I asked nervously.