It’d definitely been a rough week.
When Ronnie dropped me off, I went to my apartment. My mom was teaching Lizzie how to cook, and the two of them stood in the kitchen preparing dinner. Mom grabbed a bottle of olive oil and poured it over the chicken. “You’ve got to keep your meat wet. Otherwise, it’ll burn.”
Lizzie crossed her arms over her chest. “When I asked you to show me how to cook, I meant tacos or something…”
I set my purse on the table and headed down the hallway without saying hello. There was so much weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t carry it anymore. I had tough skin so I could deal with Derek treating me so poorly, but the fact that we used to be so close was the hardest part. It was like we broke up, even though we were never together.
I was stupid for assuming the dust would settle. I realized I only had one option.
Quit.
Maybe he was purposely being a dick so I would do just that.
I grabbed my laptop and wrote an email to my old publisher, asking if it was possible for me to have my old job back, or if there was something else available similar to my old salary. It was humiliating to grovel for my old job, but I needed something quick.
Lizzie peeked into my bedroom. “Mom?”
I kept my eyes on my computer. “Hmm?”
She stepped farther inside. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” I finished typing the email and closed the laptop.
She crossed her arms over her chest, not having an attitude like usual because she seemed to believe something was troubling me. “Well, you always look at me when I talk to you…”
Guilt swept through me.
“You’ve been down all week. I know you think I’m a kid, but I notice this stuff.”
Sometimes I forgot how quickly she had aged. She was still a child to me, but I remembered how I was at that age. Lizzie was a million times smarter than I ever was as a preteen. I sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard. “It’s just been a hard week at work.”
She came to my bed and lay beside me, cuddling with me. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
My arm wrapped around her, and I pressed a kiss to the side of her head. Having my little girl in my arms quickly chased away my pain. Losing Derek even when he had never been mine was so hard, but I had something much more important to cherish. If he was this upset by my daughter’s existence, then I didn’t want to be with him anyway. “I’m feeling better already.”
After I brought lunch, I stepped inside his office so I could check my email and eat. When I glanced out the window, I saw Derek grab a bag of chips and a sandwich and plop it on his plate before he returned to his workstation. He ate and worked at the same time, no longer interested in sharing his meals with me. He was upset that I’d lied to him, but if he could forget about me so easily, then he’d never really cared about me to begin with.
When I checked my email, I saw my lifeline.
Hey Emmy,
It’s so nice to hear from you! You know, we’ve never really been able to fill your shoes. We don’t have that same editing position, but we can fit you into the marketing department. How’s that? Sorry it didn’t work out at your current job, but we’re happy to have you back!
–Jim
Oh, thank god. I really needed that.
I hadn’t told my parents that they would have to move back in with me pretty soon. Lizzie and I would have to share a bedroom again, and the four of us would be corralled into a nine-hundred-square-foot apartment. But I was able to pay for my father’s surgery and a lot of his physical therapy, and he was already doing so much better, so it was totally worth it. And I had a good amount in savings for Lizzie’s college fund.
I went through Derek’s company email next. There were quite a few people trying to get in contact with him for speaking events or documentaries. Once he had a viable way for people to contact him, his inbox had been flooded with inquiries, and it was obvious how popular he was.
I closed the laptop and approached Derek in the lab. Like always, he ignored me.
I couldn’t believe this was the same man who had asked me how my father was doing, who teased me about eating burgers, who shared so much of his life with me. He was so different now I hardly recognized him. “Derek, there’ve been quite a few inquiries about interviews and possibly a TED Talk. I know you said you weren’t interested in that sort of thing, but I think it would be a mistake to—”
“I don’t care about your opinion, Emerson. It’s not what I pay you for.” He didn’t even have the courtesy to look away from his work and meet my gaze. He showed me no respect at all. I’d wanted to keep my personal information to myself, and he acted like I’d stabbed him in the back.
I almost snapped back, but I realized he wasn’t worth it. He was the asshole, not me. I had a job lined up, so I would just leave my resignation letter on his desk and move on. He wasn’t worth my rage. He wasn’t worth my heartache. I wanted to believe this wasn’t him, that he just couldn’t control his emotions, but I also knew he was better than this. Without giving him a response, I turned around and walked off.
When I returned to his office, I looked through my bag until I found the old resignation letter that I had put on his desk months ago. I hadn’t left it in my bag because I thought I would need it, but I’d realized I had never thrown it away. I pulled it out, looked through it, and then left it on the desk.
Without saying a word, I left that compound…for the last time.
I went to his penthouse and left all my supplies there so he knew I didn’t take any of his personal information. When I locked the door, I slipped my key through the crack at the bottom so he knew I didn’t have any possessions that belonged to him. In my resignation letter, I quit on the spot, even though my new job didn’t start for a week.
When my phone rang that night and his name appeared on the screen, I knew he’d gotten my letter.
I didn’t answer because I didn’t owe him anything.
He called again an hour later; that was probably when he entered his penthouse and saw all his stuff I’d returned.
I still didn’t answer because I had nothing to say.
Lizzie sat on the couch and watched TV, while my mom and I worked in the kitchen.
Now that I was a mother, I understood how easy it was to read your child’s mind. My own mother seemed to know everything when I was growing up, and right now, she knew I was down. She gave me a gentle pat on the back. “Sweetheart, what is it?”
I hadn’t told her that I’d quit my job yet. I’d been dreading the revelation, so I dragged my feet as long as possible. “It’s about work…”
“Yeah, Lizzie mentioned it. Are you and your boss not getting along?”
That was an understatement. He hated me now. “Well…”
A knock sounded on the door.
I turned at the noise, and my heart started racing because I knew exactly who it was.
My mom dropped her hand from my shoulder and went back to the dishes. “You should get that.” It was like she knew it was Derek.
I grabbed my glass of wine and drank the rest of it before I headed to the front door. I didn’t even bother to check the peephole before I opened it.
There he stood, in jeans and a black hoodie. In his hand was a copy of the resignation letter, like he’d been holding it since he’d first picked it up. His brown eyes were fierce and emotional, as if my decision to quit was somehow another betrayal.
I stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind me, so my family wouldn’t have to hear the fight we were about to have.
Derek held up the letter. “I don’t want you to go.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, cocking my head to the side because I was genuinely shocked by those words. “Really? Because I assumed you were trying to get me to quit. Problem solved—I’m gone. And I don’t appreciate you coming to my personal residence like this. It’s completely inappropriate. I don’t wanna work
for you anymore, so leave me alone.”
He slowly lowered his hand with the letter before he crumpled it up. He stared at the floor for a while then he released a heavy sigh, a breath that made his nostrils flare. “I wouldn’t have come if you’d answered my calls.”
“I didn’t answer because I don’t want to talk to you. You’ve had a whole week to talk to me, and you’ve chosen to ignore me, insult me, and humiliate me in front of your colleagues.” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but my anger was sweeping me away. “Why the fuck would I want to talk to you, Derek? Yes, I have a daughter. Didn’t realize that was such an egregious crime.”
He rubbed the back of his neck as he sighed again. “I don’t care that you have a daughter. I care that you lied about it.”
“I didn’t lie! My business is my business. I don’t owe you anything.”
He dropped his hand to his side then shoved the ball of paper into his front pocket. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about my behavior. I was just angry, even though I have no right to be. I’ve just… I’ve got trust issues. The first woman I trusted made a fool out of me and destroyed me. Then I met you, and it’s the first time I wanted to try again, to be vulnerable with someone, to let someone into my life completely. And then to find out you have a whole life I don’t know about…it just hurt.”
I started to soften for him when I shouldn’t. He’d treated me like dirt all week with no contrition at all. “You never told me how you felt. If you had, I would’ve told you. I was always under the impression that you’re just my boss.” That wasn’t entirely true, but I’d never expected our relationship to become physical.
He was quiet for a really long time, his eyes drilling into mine. “You know I’m bad at stuff like this, emotions, relationships, shit like that. But I know that a man and a woman don’t have the kind of relationship we do without…it being more. Maybe I misread you, but I don’t think I did. So I’ll just ask you. Do you feel the way I do?”
My arms tightened across my chest, hiding my frantically beating heart. There was a catch in my throat, and I suddenly felt hot all over. I had no idea what to say. I tried to think of a diplomatic response, something professional, but we were at the point where we couldn’t pretend nothing was here. “Derek, you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever seen…”
His eyes narrowed slightly, like those words struck him deep.
“And everything underneath that skin…is even better. I can honestly say you’re the perfect man.” I couldn’t believe I said all that and looked him in the eyes as I did it. “But it doesn’t matter how I feel because we can never have a relationship.”
His breathing had picked up while I talked, and the intensity of his gaze was deeper than it had ever been before. When he spoke, his voice was slightly shaky. “Why?”
“Because of my daughter.” I wanted this man more than anyone else in this world, and I wouldn’t allow myself to picture a fantasy where the two of us were together because it was cruel to even consider. My daughter was the most important thing in the world to me, and I could never be with a man who didn’t want her. “I know how you feel about kids, and I can’t have a relationship with a man that’s separate from the one I have with my daughter. I haven’t even tried to be with anybody because I’ve been waiting for her to move out before I try to date again. I just have casual flings to stay satisfied. I would make an exception for you, but we both know you can’t give me what I want. You can’t just be with me—you have to be with her too. And since she’s not moving out for the next six to ten years, that’s too long to wait.”
He held my gaze, absolutely still.
A part of me hoped he would feel differently about Lizzie, that he would say he was willing to be present for both of us, but those words never left his lips. He held the silence and proved me right, that he had no interest in having any kind of parental relationship with my daughter.
I hid my disappointment, but I wasn’t sure if I could hide my broken heart. All I had shared with this man was a kiss, but I felt like I’d already given myself to him completely.
He stared at the floor for a while before he met my look again. “I still don’t want you to leave.”
“I already got another job…”
Now, he looked even more pained, probably because it dawned on him how much he’d driven me away. “Don’t take it.”
I shook my head. “Too late.”
He held my gaze, his eyes full of fear. “I know I fucked up, but it won’t happen again. I need you, Emerson. I can’t let you go.”
The sincerity in his voice made me drop my gaze. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to work together anyway…because of everything that’s happened.” He knew how I felt about him, and I knew how he felt about me. Nothing was different now. I had kissed him, and I thought about that kiss over and over because it was so damn good.
“We can be professional. We can be friends. You made my life so much easier, but that’s not the only reason I want you to stay. You’re such an essential person in my life, and I can’t imagine not having you in it. Please, Emerson. You make me happy…”
He was becoming impossible to resist.
“Please.”
I couldn’t turn him down when he spoke to me like that, when he showed the kind of vulnerability he never showed anyone else. It would be hard to work with him every day and not want him, but the money was such a blessing to my family, and when the two of us got along, it made my job really fulfilling. I knew I was the only person who could work for him, who would get everything right, who wouldn’t take advantage of him. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I was the best thing that had happened to him. “Okay…”
He gave a slight nod, relief in his eyes. “I really am sorry about my behavior. I don’t know what came over me.” He rubbed the back of his neck again. “But that’s not how you should treat a friend, especially your closest friend.”
Twelve
Derek
I passed between two girls in bikinis who were talking and holding their glasses of champagne, their hoop earrings reflecting a bit of light from the cabin of the yacht. The music pressed against my eardrums, and it was so warm that I needed to step outside and get a breath of fresh air.
I rested my arms on the rail and looked at Manhattan, feeling the slight rise and fall of the yacht over the subdued waves. It was a little cool that evening since fall was enveloping the city. I swirled my glass, making the cubes tumble, before I brought it to my lips for a drink.
I was alone for a few minutes before someone joined me.
“You never come out anymore, and when you do, you look like you want to leave.” Ryan came to my side, holding a beer in his hand.
If I could leave, I would. But I was trapped on this goddamn boat. “How’s Camille?”
“Fangirling.” He chuckled. “She’s been looking forward to this all week.”
Through mutual friends, we knew an A-list actor and got invited to this party on the water where the paparazzi wouldn’t follow us. “Good for her.”
“I’ll be holding her hair back all night, but I’ll fuck her in the morning.” He grinned then looked across the water at the buildings in the distance.
I heard the smile in his voice, the way he loved one woman so deeply. Despite the bars we hit, all the nightclubs we visited, he always remained faithful and committed, like he wanted to have a good time with the guys but had no interest in finding a woman for the night. He brought Camille along to stuff too because they were friends who liked doing things besides sitting on the couch all night long.
Made me think of Emerson.
Ryan was quiet for a while, taking in the sights, before he turned to me. “Seriously, what’s going on, man?”
I shrugged. “Nothing.”
“You look miserable.”
It was a mistake coming on this boat.
“And not to make matters worse, but…Fleur is here.”
“What?” I asked i
ncredulously. “Where?”
He shrugged. “It’s a big boat, man.”
“She know I’m here?”
“Probably. I mean, she does seem to follow your every move.” He nudged me in the side.
I took a big drink of my scotch.
“So…you going to tell me or what?”
My eyes stayed on the lights, wondering where Emerson was at that moment. Probably at home…with her daughter. When I saw her resignation letter on my desk, I knew I’d fucked up bad, that I didn’t even deserve to ask her to stay. But that fear of letting her go made me realize just how I really felt about her. That made the whole situation worse. There was no way for us to be together, but I still didn’t want to go backward, go back to my promiscuous ways.
Ryan studied me.
“It’s Emerson—”
“Derek?” Fleur’s French accent fell on our ears.
Fuck.
Ryan waggled his eyebrows at me and clapped me on the shoulder. “Good luck, man.” He headed back inside, leaving me alone with the woman who was still obsessed with me, all this time later.
She was dressed in a black bikini with a silver chain around her slender stomach that attached to her navel piercing. Her hair was curled, her makeup dark, and she wore enormous pumps despite the fact that she was on a boat and could break her ankle and fall overboard. She came over to me, her arm pressing against mine when she touched the rail.
I was unhappy. I was confused. I’d finally found a woman I wanted to be with—and she was the one woman I couldn’t have.
Fleur stared at me, the breeze moving through her hair. In the low lighting, she looked even more beautiful. With those full lips and light-colored eyes, she was practically angelic. Her hand wrapped around my wrist, and she came closer, about to press a kiss to my jawline. “I miss you…”
One woman popped into my mind, a woman who didn’t have my commitment, a woman to whom I owed nothing. But she was there anyway, with her dark brown hair, her sincere smile, her lips that had only kissed me once but filled my soul completely. It was deep and meaningful, satisfying.
The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless Book 6) Page 12