Fleur was cheap. “I’m not doing this again.” I walked back inside and joined Ryan on the couch.
When I got into the Escalade on Monday morning, I was relieved to see her there, grateful she’d taken me back after I’d crossed the line with my unacceptable behavior. And I was happy to see her smile, like she was happy to be sitting beside me, like she never wanted to take that other job.
“Morning.” She was in a long-sleeved sweater dress, her brown hair curled and pulled over one shoulder. She had a shiny watch on her wrist and tall, knee-high boots up her legs. She didn’t wear a lot of makeup, so her natural beauty came through so easily, and it did right now.
I just stared.
Fuck.
I was practically hypnotized by the sound of her voice, the way she looked, the way light shone from her heart and parted the clouds. “Morning…”
Ronnie started the drive to the lab.
“How was your weekend?”
We couldn’t talk about the past because it would just make our professional relationship awkward, but there wasn’t much to say anyway. I said my piece; she said hers. Now we were back to colleagues and friends…but it was hard because I was hung up on this woman.
I didn’t realize how strongly I felt until I kissed her.
And she blew my fucking mind.
Fucking Fleur would just be a disappointment, and I would feel dirty afterward, like I’d betrayed Emerson.
I was still in this relationship, a relationship that didn’t even exist.
Jesus.
Emerson’s smile faded away when I didn’t answer the question. “Derek?”
“Yes?”
“How was your weekend?”
I forget she’d asked the question. “It was fine. Yours?”
“Good.” Her smile came back, but it was slightly pained, like she’d been thinking about me all weekend, just as I’d been thinking about her.
Normally, time flew by quickly during the day because time was my most limiting resource. Every day, every year, I was fighting the clock, trying to accomplish as much as I could. The human lifespan was relatively short, and people always assumed they had more time than they actually did.
But that day, I was distracted.
By her.
She brought us lunch and spread it out across the table before she excused herself to my office so she could eat alone.
I walked to the table with my eyes on her, getting a final glimpse before she sat on the couch and disappeared.
Pierre grabbed a burrito and took a bite. “Looks like you pulled your head out of your ass, Derek.”
I grabbed the burrito and put it on my plate before grabbing a few other items. “Yeah…”
He nudged me in the side before he walked away. “I’m happy she’s back.”
I carried my food into the office, feeling my heart race in trepidation. She sat in the very spot on the couch where I’d imagined her on top of me, her dress pulled to her hips and her underwear somewhere on the floor. I tried to push the thoughts from my head because I remembered how those fantasies used to make me come hard. “Can I join you?” I sat on the couch across from her.
She smiled. “It’s your office, Derek.”
“I don’t know where anything is, so I disagree.”
She chuckled before she poured a bit of hot sauce over her burrito. “I made you a master list and put it in your top drawer.”
I leaned back and took a bite while I kept my eyes focused on her face, watching her stare at her burrito before she put it in her mouth and took a bite. A bit of sauce stuck in the corner of her mouth, the same spot where she always caught food. Her sweater dress was tight on her waist, and her knee-high boots were sexy. I wondered how the velvet material would feel against my hips.
“You’re getting a lot of requests for interviews and appearances.”
“Then maybe we should take down that email.”
She took a bite and smiled slightly as she chewed. “Come on, Derek.”
“I’m really not interested.”
“I was hoping you would feel differently after your sessions with Dr. Collins.”
I shrugged. “I do. I just… I’m not a big talker.”
“You don’t have to be a big talker. The TED Talk invite is really interesting because they want Dr. Salazar to interview you about your work. I read about him, and he sounds like the world’s most respected expert on black holes and other breakthroughs in space…”
I knew exactly who he was.
“Something you’d be interested in?”
I shrugged. “I’ve met him before.”
“And?”
“I respect his work.”
“Then he’s the perfect person to interview you.”
I took another bite.
She watched me, hoping for more.
“You know, you don’t always have to push me out of my comfort zone.”
“It’s not my job to push you out of your comfort zone. It’s my job to make you the best version of yourself. You say you’re pressed for time, that you’re afraid you won’t be able to accomplish everything in your lifespan. Doesn’t that mean you should inspire the next generation as much as possible?”
That was sound logic, and I couldn’t argue with it.
“Just a thought…” She picked up her phone and scrolled through it as she held her burrito in one hand.
It was dangerous when she looked away because it gave me ample opportunity to stare at her all I wanted. All the details of her face were intriguing to me, so stimulating that I was like a child looking at a screen for the first time. Her body was perfect, an hourglass figure with gorgeous legs. And her mind…was fascinating to me. It reminded me of what my father had said, that a man like me needed a woman who could satisfy my biggest organ—my brain. She wasn’t a rocket scientist, but she was smart, deep, complex. I couldn’t believe I’d finally gotten to this place in my life…and there was something in the way. “Her name is Lizzie, you said?”
She turned back to me at the question. “Yes.” She set down her phone, her eyes a little guarded at the question.
“What’s she like?” I didn’t know anything about kids. Had never been around kids. I didn’t even have any nieces or nephews, and that wouldn’t happen anytime soon since my siblings were busy developing their careers.
Emerson immediately lit up at the question, showing her pride in just her expression. “She’s smart, kind, affectionate…a bit feisty, and has an attitude that could demolish a building. She plays soccer and softball. I can tell she’s going to be a remarkable woman someday.”
“Because you are.” I didn’t need to interact with Emerson and her daughter to know that Emerson was an incredible mother. She was so good at taking care of everyone else, anticipating their needs without thinking twice about it, and that would make her an exceptional nurturer. In some ways, she reminded me of my mother…who was the best mother on the planet.
She gave me a smile, her eyes shining. “She’s a lot smarter than I was at her age. She’s also got a better head on her shoulders. I was a bit immature when I was twelve. She possesses more wisdom, probably because she’s learned from all my mistakes.”
“She’s twelve?” I asked, slightly surprised.
The light faded, and she looked slightly embarrassed. “I was really young when I had her…”
I didn’t think less of her. “And you raised her on your own?”
“Not really. My parents have always been around. It’s because of their help that I was still able to go to college and get my master’s degree. They wanted me to have a better life, regardless of my stupid mistake. They didn’t believe I should sacrifice my future for it.”
Now I understood why she took care of her parents so selflessly. “The father?”
She hesitated, peeling back more of the foil from her burrito.
I realized my question was probably intrusive. “You don’t have to answer that…I’m sorry.”
&
nbsp; “No, you’re fine,” she said quickly. “I just haven’t thought about him in a long time. His parents basically said they didn’t want anything to do with the baby, that their son shouldn’t have his life ruined. They told me to get an abortion…and I said no. So, they walked away.”
That was fucked up. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not angry about it. If they didn’t want to be in Lizzie’s life, that’s their decision. I wouldn’t want them to be around if they weren’t going to love her and treasure her the way she deserved. It made my life a lot easier, honestly.”
I should have known that would be her attitude because she was so independent. “That still must have been hard…at that age.”
“It was definitely hard. I lost a lot of friends because they moved on to great things and had fun, and I was at home with a baby. But in the end, she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, so it was fine.”
I nodded, even though I couldn’t imagine having a twelve-year-old daughter, let alone having a child before I was twenty. When I looked back at that time of my life, I viewed myself as a stupid young man who didn’t know anything about life.
“That’s also a reason I rarely mention Lizzie, because when people know that she’s twelve, they immediately judge me. It’s not something I put on my resume or make publicly known. I’m not embarrassed of her at all, but it gets exhausting when you’re constantly judged for something you did twelve years ago. Everyone has mistakes they’re ashamed of, but they keep them private because they’re not a human person at their side.”
“Yeah…I get it.” I continued to eat. “I feel bad having you work long hours when you have a daughter at home.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” She smiled. “Women are fully capable of working long hours and in ambitious positions while being a parent. You would never make the same assumption if I were a man.”
I knew she was right.
“So, don’t expect less of me when I’m perfectly able to meet your needs.”
“Got it.”
“My mom is like her second mom, so she’s not alone or anything. She wishes she were alone…” She chuckled before she took another bite.
As much as I wanted this woman, it was hard to imagine having a twelve-year-old girl around. It was a commitment, a responsibility, and I barely got along with anyone, let alone a teenager. When I’d found out about her daughter, I assumed it would change the way I felt about Emerson…but it didn’t. I still wanted her. I just didn’t want to be a stepfather. “She looks just like you.”
“I know.” She grinned wide. “When boys start coming around, it’s going to be rough.”
It would definitely be rough.
She finished her burrito then wiped her mouth and her fingertips. The light from the window behind her gave her hair a glow, a shine that reminded me of summer. She uncrossed her legs then grabbed her laptop. “So, now can I discuss this interview for the TED Talk?”
Great, we were back on that.
She smiled when she listened to me sigh. “At least consider it.”
“Alright…I’ll consider it.”
“Thank you.” She made a note on her notepad. “Your work changes the world, but I think you could change the world in a whole new way if you do this.”
I knocked on the door then slid my hands into my pockets.
Heavy footsteps sounded before the door opened. His dark eyes greeted me with a smile as he looked into my face, wearing the same expression Emerson wore when she talked about Lizzie. “What a nice surprise.” He pulled me in for a one-armed hug before he guided me inside. “What brings you here, little man?”
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.”
“Yeah?” He headed to the kitchen. “Want something to drink? Just opened a bottle of wine.”
“Sure.”
He grabbed two glasses and delivered one to me.
I took a drink and looked around. “Where’s Mom?”
“Working late. She’s got a party tonight.”
“Then you must be bored.”
He nudged me in the side before he moved to the couch. “Not anymore.” He grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. “Want to watch the game? I was going to cook dinner, but we can order a pizza since I know you hate my cooking.”
I sat beside him and set the glass on the coffee table. “I don’t hate it.”
“You obviously don’t remember your childhood that well.”
“Well, I hated it then… Don’t hate it so much now.”
“You want me to make grilled cauliflower with rice, then?” he threatened, knowing I wouldn’t like a vegan dish at all.
“Let’s do the pizza.”
He chuckled and pulled out his phone to order it. “That’s what I thought.”
“How does Mom do it?” When I was young, we would sneak off and get ice cream or other snacks. It was our little secret, and I wouldn’t throw her under the bus now.
He grinned. “I make it up to her in other ways.”
I rolled my eyes. “Dad, come on…”
He chuckled and put his phone away before he watched the game. “You want to get a bet going?” He drank his wine and looked at me.
“Actually…I wanted to talk to you about something.”
His eyes narrowed slightly, as if picking up on my subdued tone. He put his glass down while keeping his gaze glued to my face. “Everything alright?”
“I’m fine, perfectly healthy.” Whenever something was wrong, my dad immediately jumped to a terrible conclusion, that someone was sick. Since he was an oncologist, it was just his nature to make those kinds of assumptions.
Relief moved into his gaze, like his worst nightmare had passed. “Good. Talk to me.”
“Well…it’s kinda weird.” I’d never talked to my father about stuff like this, but I really didn’t have anyone else I felt comfortable discussing this with…except Emerson. But I couldn’t talk to her either.
“You can tell me anything.”
“It’s about Emerson…”
His arms rested on his knees, and his hands came together, his head turned my way. He didn’t have a reaction, focused on listening.
“I can’t really explain what happened. It just dawned on me that she was the woman I wanted to be with. I stopped seeing other women…for a long time. She was the person I looked forward to seeing the most. It hit me in the oddest way. It seemed like she felt the same way, so…I kissed her.”
He was silent.
“She told me I wasn’t the right man for her…and that hurt pretty fucking bad.”
He closed his eyes in disappointment, like he’d been hoping, praying, for a happy ending. “I’m sorry, Derek.”
“Well…there’s more to this story. Time passed, and I was haunted by those words she’d said to me. So, I went to her apartment to confront her…and found out she has a daughter.”
His eyes widened in shock.
“I had no idea because she never told me.”
“Why?”
“A couple reasons. She says it’s difficult to be a single mother because of the way employers treat them, and I understand that. And also…her daughter is twelve, and she’s embarrassed that she had her so young. She thinks it makes her look bad.”
“She’s twelve?” he asked in surprise. “Then how old was she when she had her?”
“Sixteen or seventeen…I’m not sure exactly.”
Dad nodded but didn’t pass judgment. “Where does that leave you?”
“She said she doesn’t date because she’s waiting until her daughter has moved out, but she would be willing to make an exception for me…because of the way she feels about me.” She told me I was the sexiest man she’d ever seen, and that compliment made me so hot. But when she said something better, that she loved who I was underneath, it was the first time I’d felt like a woman actually liked me for me, even my flaws. “But she also said that if I have a relationship with her, I need to h
ave one with her daughter too…and I don’t want to do that.”
He continued to stare at me, as if he expected more.
I was quiet for a while. “I assumed I would just move on, but I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t even force it because I feel like I’m already in a relationship with Emerson. It’s not one of those obligatory situations where I’m committed because I have to be—I just don’t want to be with someone else.” I stared down at my hands for a while, feeling even more lost now that I’d shared those thoughts out loud. “I just can’t go backward. It…feels empty.” I didn’t want a twenty-one-year-old woman in my bed. I didn’t want to go to a fashion show and have a model all over me. It felt so sterile now, so meaningless. I had such a profound connection to Emerson, and I wanted more of that. She was the sexiest woman in the world to me. Why would I want someone else?
He was quiet for a long time, as if he was dissecting all of my words. “Why don’t you want a relationship with her daughter?”
“Because I don’t like kids.” I was totally honest with my dad because his love was unconditional. “I barely get along with people in general, you know. A kid that’s not even mine…I don’t want to do that.”
“Have you ever been around a kid?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t think you have the experience to say you don’t like kids.”
“Well, I don’t like most people, so…”
“Kids are much easier to get along with, if you ask me. They have an innocence that makes them relatable. They’re excited about things. It’s a joy to watch them grow into good people. I think if you spent time with her daughter, you would feel differently.”
I shrugged. “I’m not the father type.”
“Your mother had no experience with kids, and she loved you like you were hers.”
I dropped my gaze. “I know, but I’m not Mom.”
“You deserve more credit than that, Derek.”
“I don’t even want kids of my own…”
Dad gave a quiet sigh. “You say that now, but you’ll feel differently.”
The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless Book 6) Page 13