How to Hold Your Breath

by Zinnie Harris

  Librarian

  hypothetically of course.

  SIX

  Dana

  OK you’ve had your fun. Very funny. Fucking demon I am talking to you. You want to scare me. You want to get in my head – too bad. I can put cream on the mark. You’ve infected me with something I’ll take a tablet. Bring it on, you want to send me your curses, I’ll bat them back. I am invincible, stronger than you, surrounded with a shield, a force of my own. I will knock you sideways. I will bowl you over, I will wrap you in a knot and tie you in ribbons. What do you think of that? Hey, nightmare, a dark alleyway, a man with a knife, a pain that won’t stop, a roaring fire, a child’s face howling, hunger, plague, disease

  I’m not scared of you

  I am not scared of anyone, and particularly not you.

  you get in my head, I’ll leave you there

  you get in my body, I will caress you

  you get in my hair I will curl it and put it up

  Jarron appears sitting at a table having a beer.

  Jarron

  you want a drink?

  Dana

  where were you?

  Jarron

  I had some work to do. I came back, didn’t I?

  Dana

  you came back here?

  Jarron

  I drove to the south, I did my work, I came back

  Dana

  why?

  Jarron

  we hadn’t finished

  Dana

  hadn’t we?

  Jarron

  no we hadn’t and I didn’t like it

  this needs to be over and done with now. And quickly.

  Dana

  quickly?

  Jarron

  I’m presuming you would have changed your mind

  Dana

  about what?

  Jarron

  the cheque. I have written it out, and before you ask no it’s not sizeable.

  Dana

  oh that

  Jarron

  it’s 45 euros which I think is an adequate representation of the time taking into account the distress you have caused me, the inconvenience of having to return. I have charted it all, put my petrol in, my time, the wear and tear on my car, and 45 euros left to you covers it I think.

  Dana

  is that right?

  Jarron

  if you want to make a different representation then we can enter into a negotiation at the end of this meeting

  Dana

  this is a meeting?

  Jarron

  I am prepared to raise it slightly but only just. And before you say there is no debt, there is a debt. There is a big fucking debt, that is the only explanation

  Dana

  for what?

  Jarron

  for what has been happening with me since I saw you.

  this sensation I have

  this uncomfortable sensation,

  why I can’t control my thoughts as I should –

  you are nothing, you are inconsequential, you aren’t even beautiful.

  you don’t make me laugh. Your dress sense is terrible.

  Your teeth are crooked, your breath smells in the

  morning, you are ugly in some lights, not as clever as you think –

  Dana

  glad we’ve got that clear

  Jarron

  and you are a woman. Basically

  you are a woman.

  you aren’t even nearly the sort of person I should be thinking about.

  Beat.

  please take the money and release me.

  I thought I knew every trick in the book, but there is obviously one that got away.

  Dana

  I can’t release you

  Jarron

  I’ll pay you to undo it, how about that? 45 euros, it’s not a payment for the other night, it’s a payment for your unlocking services

  Dana

  and if I can’t?

  Jarron

  find a way.

  Dana

  you want me to stop you from loving me?

  Jarron

  who talked about love?

  Dana

  that’s the sensation you described

  Jarron

  it’s not love

  Dana

  what is it?

  Jarron

  a curse of some kind.

  you’ve made me obsessed by you

  Dana

  so you are obsessed?

  Jarron

  you fucking bitch, you don’t have to smile

  Beat.

  this, this is over

  you know that?

  Dana

  OK by me

  Jarron

  things could get bad for you

  Dana

  bring it on

  Jarron

  why aren’t you scared of me?

  Dana

  because you aren’t scary.

  you say you had your soul ripped out, but I can feel it still beating in the palm of my hand.

  Jarron

  you’ll take my money. In the end.

  Dana

  what, and then you think you’ll be free of me?

  Jarron

  I’ll forget you then, yes

  yes

  Dana

  maybe

  Jarron

  no good will come of this, you know that?

  Dana

  we’ll see

  SEVEN

  Dana is at home.

  Jasmine

  Dana?

  Dana? You were talking to yourself

  Dana

  was I?

  Jasmine

  how did it go?

  Dana

  badly.

  actually.

  Jasmine

  really?

  Dana

  yes, really badly.

  I fucked up

  I thought I was prepared and then, Jesus why wasn’t I better prepared?

  Jasmine

  you were prepared –

  Dana

  I got in there, and all the stuff I had meant to say

  Jasmine

  why do you always do this?

  Dana

  do what?

  Jasmine

  say it’s all dreadful, a disaster and make me believe you have failed, and then –

  Dana

  not this time

  Jasmine

  they rang for fuck’s sake.

  when they got me they left a message. You impressed them, you impressed them very much. You impressed them so much they are putting you forward for an international position

  Dana

  an international position?

  Jasmine

  they want you to go and talk to their colleagues in Alexandria

  Dana

  what?

  Jasmine

  some sort of cross-university team

  Dana

  in Alexandria?

  Jasmine

  they said ring them in the morning

  Dana

  there must be a mistake

  Jasmine

  you bloody aced it

  Dana

  did they actually use my name, maybe they rang the wrong candidate?

  Jasmine

  they’re putting you forward for an international award for Christ’s sake

  forget Berlin

  Dana

  they’ll ring in the morning and say there’s been an error –

  Jasmine

  will you stop for once?

  you got it. Hello?

  you got it with bells on, you’re going to fucking Alexandria

  Beat.

  Dana

  I don’t understand it

  Jasmine

  what is there to understand?

  Dana

  then the other candidates must have been really poor or stupid,

  I promise you I fucked up

  Jasmine

  for God’s sake –
/>   Dana

  why are you cross with me?

  Jasmine

  when I fuck up, I really fuck up. That’s the difference.

  When you fuck up, you still win.

  Dana

  how was your day?

  Jasmine

  no worse than normal.

  Dana looks at her.

  and I’ll miss you like hell if you move to Alexandria

  Dana

  I haven’t got it yet. Have I?

  they just want me to talk to the people in Alexandria

  Jasmine

  you’ll get it. Why wouldn’t you?

  Dana

  maybe I don’t even want it.

  when do they want me there?

  Jasmine

  Monday

  Dana

  this Monday?

  Jasmine

  better start packing.

  Beat.

  Dana

  we were going to do something together this weekend

  Jasmine

  doesn’t matter

  Dana

  look at some flats, see about our deposit

  Jasmine

  we’ve got lots of weekends

  Dana

  not if I go to Alexandria

  Jasmine

  I can amuse myself for forty-eight hours, don’t worry

  Dana

  can you?

  Jasmine

  I’m not completely useless, I’ve got work to do

  Dana

  I’ll lock the fridge

  Jasmine

  I’m through that. Please.

  I’m through that.

  Beat.

  Dana

  I can’t go to Alexandria for Monday

  Jasmine

  course you can

  Dana

  why don’t you come too?

  Jasmine

  I’ve got so much to catch up on

  Dana

  bring it with you

  have a few days away

  we could get a train, see some of the coast

  Jasmine

  which coast?

  Dana

  I don’t know, maybe the Adriatic take a boat

  Jasmine

  why would we go to the Adriatic?

  Dana

  I am just talking about making it more of a trip

  we always said we wanted to see more of Europe, the sea

  I was just thinking of ways to make it

  Jasmine

  what?

  Dana

  more fun

  Jasmine

  by going a thousand miles out of our way?

  Dana

  isn’t that the basis of an adventure?

  Beat.

  Jasmine

  he’s a dick, you know that

  Dana

  who?

  Jasmine

  the man you were with. All men are dicks but he is a high-class representative of his species. Even Jerome said he was a dick and that is saying something

  Dana

  I wasn’t talking about him

  Jasmine

  you told me he was headed for the Adriatic

  Dana

  did I?

  Jasmine

  and he’s some kind of con man.

  seriously, he is fucking dangerous. I went into the bar this morning, he didn’t pay for all his drinks, tried to con the waitress, then left a credit card number that didn’t work.

  Dana

  why are you telling me this?

  Jasmine

  because I think you’re still thinking about him

  Dana

  that’s ridiculous. Even if he was at the Adriatic, that isn’t an address, there must be a million people there

  Jasmine

  so that isn’t why you would go that way?

  Dana

  absolutely not

  the Adriatic is beautiful I’ve heard, and –

  he was a passing moment. One night of something,

  but in the cold light of day meaningless

  and I don’t want to see him again.

  I can’t see him again

  how could I see him again?

  thank god for you setting me right. Men like that, who needs them?

  Jasmine

  maybe I should come with you –

  Dana

  you don’t have to

  Jasmine

  a couple of days away

  Dana

  you’d be bored

  Jasmine

  keep you company

  Dana

  there are a million people in the Adriatic, how could I find him?

  Jasmine

  it won’t stop you trying

  he works for the UN, that is a start

  Dana

  I’ll be fine

  Jasmine

  I know, but as you say it’s ages since I have been on a trip.

  Dana

  really?

  Jasmine

  you think you are the only person that can behave rashly?

  Dana

  we only have one suitcase

  Jasmine

  we can share

  we share everything else.

  Dana

  it’s a bit fucking hasty

  Jasmine

  and you aren’t?

  Jasmine goes and gets the suitcase.

  She puts it out in front of Dana.

  Beat.

  Dana

  I don’t have to take a job thousands of miles away

  Jasmine

  you might want to

  Dana

  I’ll just go to see

  Jasmine

  you can’t live with your sister for ever

  even I know that, this is a phase that one day will end

  Dana

  I like living with you

  Jasmine

  I tie you down

  Dana

  not at all.

  Beat.

  Jasmine

  alright, you tie me down then

  Dana

  fuck off.

  Jasmine

  I’d be OK you know. Without you.

  Dana

  of course you would.

  Beat.

  Jasmine

  why are you looking at me like that?

  Dana

  I’m not

  Jasmine

  I’m not a charity case, OK after Mum and Dad died, but –

  Dana

  I know what is going on

  Jasmine

  how can you know?

  Dana

  I’ve guessed

  Beat.

  Jasmine

  you guessed?

  Dana

  tell me I’m wrong.

  Jasmine

  if you’ve guessed why the hell didn’t you say?

  Dana

  I was waiting for you to say something.

  Jasmine

  and what if I didn’t?

  Dana

  you’d have to eventually

  Jasmine

  does it show?

  Dana

  only on your face.

  Beat.

  Jasmine

  it shows on my face?

  Dana

  a bit.

  Jasmine

  alright. So you’re the clever one. So tell me, what am I going to do? I’m on my own.

  Dana

  you’re going to pack a bag and come with me to Alexandria, and we’ll have the whole train journey to work that out.

  Jasmine

  I thought you’d be angry, I thought you’d stomp about and say how could I have been so stupid. I’m supposed to be a grown-up –

  Dana

  well, how could you have been stupid?

  Jasmine

  I don’t know. I have no fucking idea

  well, I have some idea but in specifics, no, fuck knows

  Dana

  fuck did know

  Jasmine

  yes
, fuck did know

  Dana

  was it Jerome?

  Jasmine

  I don’t want to talk about who it was

  Dana

  Jerome

  Jasmine

  Dana –

  Dana

  pack your bag

  Jasmine

  are you sure?

  Dana

  two women and an unborn baby going to Alexandria.

  What could be better?

  Jasmine smiles.

  Jasmine

  I am not a fucking sob story though. Promise me, this isn’t a poor Jasmine thing?

  Dana

  no, it’s a poor fucking Dana thing, I’ve got to put up with you. Puking, no – mood swings – give me strength.

  EIGHT

  Dana is back in the library.

  The Librarian is there.

  Dana

  I wondered have you got any of those books that I ordered –

  Librarian

  we aren’t open quite

  Dana

  it’s nine o’clock

  Librarian

  not by my watch. It’s a minute to

  Dana

  I have a train to catch –

  Librarian

  this is a council library. We have to do things the council’s way

  Dana

  and that is?

  Librarian

  at the appointed time

  Dana

  my watch says nine

  Librarian

  it’s my watch that counts

  and the clock on the wall, the library clock

  Dana

  alright, but maybe I could just talk to you while –

  Librarian

  fifty-one, fifty-two

  you see the second hand

  Dana

  I don’t want to miss my train

  Librarian

  fifty-seven, fifty-eight. Fifty-nine

  can I help you?

  Dana

  I came in before.

  Librarian

  oh yes

  about the mark

  Dana

  not just the mark

  Librarian

  the demon I remember, you –

  you ordered every book in the entire city’s collection on devils, marks, sexually transmitted marks, whether they have AIDS in hell, they haven’t come in yet, sorry

  Dana

  what?

  Librarian

  you overloaded the system, it will be a day or two

  Dana

  I can’t wait a day or two

  Librarian

  well next time just order one book not nine hundred

  Dana

  you are sure there is nothing?

  Librarian

  there is one thing

  Dana

  yes

  Librarian

  it appears we overcharged you

  there’s a small note on your file

  Dana

  that can’t be right –

  Librarian

  you had a few fines a couple of years back, and it says here that you paid them, but going through it looks like we owe you a rebate