How to Hold Your Breath
Page 4
Dana
a rebate? I’ve never been in the library before
Librarian
says here
Dana
must be a mistake
Librarian
45 euros is the number that is coming up.
I can pay you now if you like
Dana
oh I see
Librarian
I could write a cheque or just give you the cash
Dana
I knew it was you
Librarian
I’m sorry
Dana
of course you would keep trying. I should have thought.
put it away I told you I won’t take it
Librarian
alright, we could do a bank transfer
Dana
I know this is a test, you can test me all you want, I won’t fail,
overcharged me for a non-existent library fine, you’ll have to do better than that
Librarian
excuse me
Dana
I’m no fool, I am on to you and your tricks
devil
Librarian
listen, lady
Dana
black semen ridged nails
Librarian
now wait a minute
Dana
scar on your chest where they tore your soul out
Dana pushes him.
Librarian
I would rather you didn’t do that
Dana
stop it, you stop it right now
stop pretending
She grabs him.
Librarian
would you mind taking your hands off me?
Dana
not until you admit it’s you
Librarian
admit I’m who?
They fight.
She rips his shirt.
He is pushed over on the library floor.
Dana
no scar?
Librarian
who on earth do you think you are?
Dana
you aren’t him?
Librarian
who? The demon?
Dana
sorry
Librarian
you thought I was the demon?
Dana
I mistook you
Librarian
I was actually trying to help you
I was trying to be nice
the council doesn’t often hand out rebates.
you should be so blessed.
He gets up.
insanity. The first symptom of possession.
Dana
I am not insane
Librarian
thinks they have a mark
Dana
I have a mark
Librarian
it’s in your mind
Dana
what is this then?
She lifts up her T-shirt.
Librarian
that’s it?
Dana
yes
Librarian
it looks like a mosquito bite
Dana
it hurts
She covers herself up with her shirt.
it hurts a lot
and it’s getting bigger
Librarian
I suggest cream then.
Dana
brilliant
Librarian
antiseptic cream.
Dana
I could have thought of that myself, how helpful
Librarian
helpfulness, that’s what I am here for.
Dana starts to go.
you know I once fucked a demon
Dana
excuse me?
Librarian
don’t think that you are the only person that has taken that road. Uncomfortable and gorgeous all at the same? regrettable and delicious. It was many moons ago, but I remember it well.
run run, you’ve got a train to catch.
NINE
Dana and Jasmine are on the train.
Dana
I just think it’s a general principle, you shouldn’t let people give you money. Even the council. Not unless you want it. Not unless you ask for it. I hadn’t asked for it. In fact I had specifically said
Jasmine
this is a general principle?
Dana
we don’t know who he was, he said he was a librarian.
He worked in a library, so what? He could have been anyone
Jasmine
well, we know who he wasn’t
Dana
men in particular. I don’t think we should be taking money from men, and keep your guard, Jasmine, don’t let people push money into your hand saying it is for me.
Jasmine
it’s like you are at war
Dana
I am
Jasmine
over what?
Beat.
you know there is no such thing as a demon, right?
Dana
yes
Jasmine
glad we’ve got that clear
Beat.
Dana
but if there was such a thing, it would be just like him to change his appearance and become other people.
You said he was a con man –
Jasmine
I can’t do this. I can’t go on a trip with you if you are going mad.
I am the one that has hormones rushing through my body. If anyone is entitled to go mad it is me.
Dana
go mad then.
Beat.
Jasmine
I did go mad. I came with you
Dana laughs a bit.
oh, you can still laugh?
Jasmine laughs a bit.
Dana laughs a lot.
Jasmine
there’s supposed to be a nice bar on the main square and we’ve got an hour at Budapest station
Dana
sounds good
Jasmine
get a bloody great bottle of wine –
Dana
you shouldn’t be drinking
Jasmine
I haven’t decided anything yet
Dana
we’ll buy a bottle and I’ll end up drinking it all
Jasmine
and?
Dana
I have to give a presentation on Monday
I have to be sharp, together
Jasmine
you’re going to end up a professor, aren’t you?
you’re going to end up one of those really smart
people that has written lots of books
Dana
I still won’t earn as much as you –
Jasmine
I don’t earn a lot. I earn a normal amount.
The Train Inspector comes along.
Inspector
there is actually a problem with your card
Dana
what sort of problem?
Inspector
the card you used to buy the tickets with, the bank’s refused it.
Dana
that’s impossible
Inspector
you’ll either have to get off at the next station or pay again
Dana
are you serious?
Inspector
that’s the rules, I’m sorry to say
Jasmine
wait a minute, could you try the card again?
Inspector
if it’s already been refused –
Jasmine
sometimes the phone lines get twisted, try again
The Inspector takes Dana’s card.
The machine doesn’t seem to like it.
Jasmine
are you using the right PIN?
Dana
don’t be a moron
Dana punches in her PIN.
It doesn’t work.
She takes the card out.
She kind of waves it around for a second.
She puts it back in.
Jasmine
try mine
She gets her card out.
Inspector
thank you
The Train Inspector puts the card in.
He hands the card machine to Jasmine.
Jasmine puts her PIN number in.
The card comes back out.
Jasmine
now that is ridiculous
Dana
it has to be your machine
Inspector
don’t worry, you can get off at the next station and ring your bank
Dana
we can’t get off at the next station
Jasmine
we are trying to get to Athens then across to Alexandria
Inspector
you’re travelling without a ticket
that’s an offence, sorry to say
Dana
how much cash have you got, maybe we could get singles
Jasmine
I haven’t got much cash on me
Inspector
two singles to Budapest, 90 euros
Dana
how much have you got, Jasmine?
Jasmine
I’m just looking
sixteen, eighteen
Dana
I’ve got another ten
Jasmine
thirty-six, I didn’t think we’d need it
Dana
it’s not enough.
Jasmine
is there someone we could phone?
Inspector
sometimes there are some deals
see what you can get to
She looks in her purse again.
Jasmine
I might have, yes another five
forty-one
Inspector
if you could make it to 45, you could have a two-for-one offer
Jasmine
sounds good, another three –
Dana
what two-for-one offer?
Inspector
technically not official till next month, but I can bend the rules a little
Dana
you’d give us a free ticket?
Inspector
they’re only singles and you’d have to sort yourself out when you change at Budapest, but –
Dana
sorry we can’t take them
Jasmine
what?
Dana
we aren’t taking his made-up offer
I know what this is
Jasmine
Dana, you are really fucking crazy, do you know that
Dana
I told you, we don’t take money
Jasmine
it isn’t money
Dana
it’s 45 euros
Jasmine
it isn’t actual cash
Inspector
only do you want it?
Dana
no
Jasmine
yes
excuse me.
I can’t do this, I can’t do this.
Dana
you do what you want, I’m not taking his money
Jasmine
it’s not his money
Dana
you go on then, I’ll get off, sort the bank and meet you in Budapest
Jasmine
what, you would leave me?
Dana
it’s a city, you’d be fine in a city. No fridges
Jasmine
fuck off
Inspector
I am sorry I am going to have to ask you to leave the train
either that or I will have to phone the police to escort you
Dana
fine, I’ve got it
Jasmine
Dana
I’m sorry about this
Inspector
only there’s the rest of the train I need to see to
Jasmine
can you give me one ticket to Budapest please?
Dana
you’d leave me?
Jasmine
you’ve gone mad
yes I would.
The Inspector gives Jasmine a ticket.
The Inspector goes.
Dana and Jasmine look at each other.
Jasmine is flicking her ticket.
Dana
where the hell is the next place anyway?
Jasmine
Hartenharten
Dana
Hartenharten, that’s a place?
Jasmine
shit happens, Dana, why does your life have to be so elaborate, so fucking dramatic? It is all some conspiracy, some ordained way of putting you in the centre of the universe. Our cards got refused, so what?
Beat.
Dana
you don’t get it
Jasmine
damn right I don’t.
Beat.
so will I meet you in Budapest or not?
Dana
don’t look at me like that
Jasmine
did you use a condom?
Dana
of course I did.
Jasmine
for every hole?
Beat.
stupid cow
Dana
you don’t go mad from an STD
Jasmine
oh, so you admit you are mad now.
what is black semen anyway, some kind of blood thing?
Dana
I don’t know
Jasmine
did you actually see his semen, or did he just tell you that?
Dana
do we have to talk about this so loudly?
everybody already is looking
Jasmine
how is the hicky?
Dana
I know, how about a loudhailer?
it grew into a boil then it burst yellow pus
Jasmine
are you serious?
Dana
I’m joking.
of course it didn’t
Jasmine
oh, excuse me for saying anything, you just screwed a man with black semen that you think is a devil –
Dana
it got quite big, I put cream on it
Jasmine
glad to see you can see the humour in this.
that’s the station. By the way.
your stop.
Dana
what?
Jasmine
Hartenharten
Dana
where the hell is that even?
Jasmine
it’s here.
Dana
OK, I’ll meet you tonight.
Budapest station.
Jasmine
well what time?
Dana
as soon as I can. I’ll ring you.
I’ll be on the next train
She picks up the suitcase.
who takes the suitcase?
Jasmine
don’t be so fucking stupid, you know I’ll come with you.
you drive me crazy you know that?
TEN
Dana is giving part of her presentation.
Dana
I thought I would take a recent example. Customer transactions. I am going to subtitle this section of my presentation, ‘How to still be civil when something goes wrong’. You see just a day or so ago, I was on a train and there was something wrong with my card. Now the usual situation is that in the inspector’s mind the customer quickly changes from a would-be positive collaborator on our shared enterprise of paying and experiencing a pleasant-as-advertised journey to some kind of criminal, eager to see the company diddled, whereas in the customer’s mind they are still simply trying to pay. But in this instance, this sort of interaction – the rules appeared to shift –
The Librarian taps her on the shoulder.
Librarian
I have those books you ordered
Dana
what are you doing here?
Librarian
I’m in Hartenharten for the weekend
I work in Hartenharten on the weekends
we have a pretty good library, and as you see it’s open.
Dana
I didn’t know there was a library
Librarian
you have brought yourself here
you walked right in the door
the rest of Hartenharten shuts at five, but we are open more or less all the time
Dana
you live in Berlin. I saw you in Berlin only this morning
Librarian
this is like my other job, and look some of your books are on these shelves, so we might as well –
Dana
are you following me?
Librarian
why would I follow you?
listen, don’t knock it, I’m trying to help you. Last time I just about got pulverised for it, luckily I am resilient. And ever-helpful. The true librarian to the end. If you don’t want these books I can just put them back on the shelves for you, or you can fill out a little yellow slip for reserved.
Dana
OK I’ll take them
The Librarian passes Dana a couple of books.
Librarian
first things first, a guidebook to Hartenharten,
Dana
I didn’t ask for that
Librarian
maybe not, but I put in a few extras and believe me you’ll need it. The illustrations are very good although it comes to the conclusion of many, don’t stay here long. My advice pretty much concurs with that for what it’s worth, get back on a main-route train as fast as you can. My second suggestion is a ‘how to’ book. Always the best, you can’t go wrong with a ‘how to’ book. This one, How to Live with No Money, published a few years ago but still one of the classics.
Dana
what do you mean, no money?
Librarian
I mean not much money.
Dana
we have lots of money
Librarian
look, do you want these books or not?
Dana
we have lots of money in our bank account
we just need a bank
Librarian
third, How to Survive an Economic Disaster. Bit outdated, but –
Dana
if you could just tell me where the bank is
Librarian
fourth book. How to Find a Bank when They Have All Shut
Dana
why have they shut?
Librarian
do you read the papers? Watch the news?
Dana
what has happened?
Librarian
it was on the cards for a while, if you care to read Jefferson’s Economic Reality in Post-euro Europe you would have had it all predicted. Or Fresherman’s How the Early Twenty-first-Century Economists Got it All Wrong