Witch is How The Dice Fell

by Adele Abbott

  “What’s changed?”

  “I wish I knew. He used to spend most of his time in the library, but now he’s never out of the bookies. And then there’s this.” She pointed to the hedge. “He used to cut it regularly, and he always said that he was happy to do it. It had been a while since it was cut, and it was getting out of control, so I asked him when he planned to trim it again. He practically bit my head off. That’s why I’m doing it myself. I blame those tablets he’s taking.”

  “Oh?”

  “I never knew him to take any medicine, but now he has tablets delivered every week. Whatever they are, they clearly don’t suit him.”

  Chapter 21

  There was now no doubt in my mind that something had happened to all three of the school governors. Had someone nobbled them? If so, that might explain the unexpected appointment of the new headmaster. I had to find out what had happened, but more importantly, who was behind it. Unfortunately, that would be much easier said than done.

  I was still mulling it over when I got a call from Daze.

  “If it isn’t the school dinner lady.”

  “No longer, thank goodness. I’ve hung up my hairnet. I called to let you know that we’ve managed to round up all of the Ridax. They’re now behind bars back in Candlefield.”

  “That’s great news. The kids will be able to enjoy their dreams again. Thanks, Daze.”

  “It’s me who should be thanking you. I’d probably still be dishing out mashed potatoes if you hadn’t pointed us in the right direction. That’s yet another one I owe you.”

  “Actually, I could do with a favour.”

  “Just name it.”

  I told her about the recent changes at CASS, and my suspicions that the school governors may have been nobbled.

  “If you’re right, Jill, that’s terrible. CASS is a fabulous institution. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone undermining it for their own ends. What can I do to help?”

  “I need to find out what’s happened to the school governors, and the only way to do that would be to keep them under surveillance. I can’t do that by myself, so I was just wondering if you—”

  “Say no more. I can’t justify tying up three rogue retrievers, but we often use surveillance imps for that kind of work.”

  “Aren’t imps bad news? I thought I’d heard they were trouble.”

  “Not really. They just get a bad press. There are a few bad apples, but nothing to warrant the reputation they seem to have. I’ve always found them very reliable.”

  “How much do they charge?”

  “It won’t cost you a penny. Our surveillance budget is in surplus this year, so there’s plenty of money to cover this. And besides, if what you suspect is true, this isn’t an expense that should have to come out of your pocket.”

  “That’s great. When could they start?”

  “If you give me the school governors’ details, I can have the surveillance in place within a couple of hours.”

  “Fantastic. Thanks, Daze.”

  ***

  I wanted to grab a few hours’ sleep ahead of my nightshift at the casino, but before heading home, I decided to call in at the office to check if there was anything that needed my attention.

  Once again, Bruiser was on the stairs, blocking my way.

  “Move!” I was done with the pleasantries.

  “I hear that loser cat of yours is preparing to fight me.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “A little bird told me he’s got himself a punch bag.” He scoffed. “The problem with those is that they don’t hit back.”

  “Are you going to move, or do I have to move you?”

  “I hope you have good medical cover for Stinky. He’s going to need it.” Bruiser moved to one side, and began shadow boxing. “I predict a first round knockout.”

  “Any calls, Mrs V?”

  “Just the one, from Mr Macabre. He said I was to remind you that you have until the end of the week to sort out the sign. Have you been in contact with Mr Song?”

  “Don’t worry. It’s all in hand.”

  Alistair took his finger out of his nostril just long enough to say, “I should have my final report ready for you tomorrow, Jill.”

  “Excellent. I’m looking forward to reading it.”

  I had to try to talk some sense into Winky.

  “Stop punching that thing for a minute, would you?”

  “I can’t interrupt my training regime.”

  “This won’t take long.”

  He moved away from the punch bag and jumped onto the sofa. “What is it?”

  “You’ve got to give up this crazy idea. You’re going to get seriously injured. Bruiser isn’t messing around. Why don’t you just let him have the run of the rest of the building? You’ll still have this office.”

  “Okay.”

  “Really?”

  “No, not really. Do you honestly expect me to back down from a fight with that tub of lard? I’d never be able to hold my head up in this town again.”

  “So you’re prepared to get badly hurt just to protect your pride?”

  “I won’t get hurt. Bruiser is the one who should be worried.”

  “Yes, but he’s a very big tub.”

  “Do you know what the first rule is when you’re fighting a tub?”

  “No. What?”

  “I can’t talk about it.” And with that, he went back to the punch bag.

  I couldn’t fault Winky’s courage, but if I didn’t somehow prevent this fight, there was no doubt that he was going to be badly hurt.

  Luckily, I had a cunning plan.

  ***

  As I walked down the corridor to Clown, I cast the ‘doppelganger’ spell to take on the appearance of Martin Macabre.

  “Mr Macabre?” Kimmy looked surprised to see her landlord.

  “I apologise for dropping in unannounced, but this is a matter of the utmost importance.”

  “Would you like to come through to the office?”

  “Mr Macabre?” Jimmy was seated at his desk.

  “There’s something very important I need to discuss with you both.”

  It was a toss-up which of the two, Jimmy or Kimmy, looked the more nervous. “Would you like a drink, err—can I call you Martin?” Jimmy said.

  “Mr Macabre will be fine. No drink for me. I’d rather get straight down to business.”

  “Of course.”

  “When you agreed to take on these premises, I assume you were fully aware that you’d be subject to all of the conditions of the lease?”

  “Yes, of course.” Jimmy nodded.

  “And you realise that to break any of those conditions could result in your lease being cancelled?”

  “Yes, but you don’t have anything to worry about because we intend to be exemplary tenants, don’t we, Kimmy?”

  “Absolutely. We love these premises and we don’t intend to do anything to risk losing them.”

  “That’s good to hear.” I was doing my best to replicate Macabre’s creepy smile. “There’s just one slight problem.”

  Jimmy and Kimmy exchanged a worried look.

  “What’s that?” Kimmy said.

  “The lease is very clear about keeping animals on the premises. Very clear indeed.” The two of them were now fidgeting nervously on their chairs. “Wouldn’t you agree?” Neither of them spoke, so he continued. “Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

  “Well, err—” Jimmy spluttered. “Actually, now that you come to mention it—”

  “Yes?”

  “We’ve been looking after a cat for a relative. Haven’t we, Kimmy?”

  “Err, yes. A relative.”

  “A cat?” I barked. “On these premises?”

  “Yes, we’re awfully sorry.”

  “I’m afraid sorry isn’t good enough.”

  “It’s just that we know that one of the other tenants has a—”

  “I’m not here to discuss the other
tenants.” I cut Jimmy off mid-sentence. “I’m here to discuss whether or not I should allow you to continue to occupy these premises.”

  “We’re really, really sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

  “And what about the cat?”

  “We’ll take him back to his owner.”

  “When?”

  “Today.”

  “When today?”

  “As soon as we’ve finished this meeting.”

  “Good, but let this be a warning. If this happens again, I’ll have no option but to terminate your lease.”

  “It won’t, Mr Macabre. You have our word.”

  “Excellent.” I stood up. “Rest assured, I’ll be making regular checks.”

  Once I was out of Clown, I reversed the ‘doppelganger’ spell. As I approached my office, Bruiser came running up the stairs.

  “Did you tell Stinky he was a dead man?”

  “No, I did not. Oh, but I did hear Jimmy calling you. You should go and see what he wants.”

  Snigger.

  ***

  It was a carrot that took my money on the toll bridge on my way home. Just saying.

  When I pulled onto the driveway, I saw a sight that sent a shiver down my spine. Across the road, on their front lawn, were Norm and Naomi Normal.

  With their alphorns.

  I had to get some sleep, or I’d be out on my feet at the casino, so I decided to have a word with the Normals in the hope that they would take pity on me.

  “Hi, Jill.” Norm was red in the face, no doubt from the exertions of blowing his horn.

  “Hi, there. I’ve come home early because I’m going to be working all night.”

  “Poor you,” Naomi said. “Remind me again what you do for a living.”

  “I’m a private investigator.”

  “Is that dangerous?”

  “It can be. It’s essential that I always have my wits about me, which is why I need to get some sleep this afternoon. I was hoping I might be able to persuade you to postpone your horn playing for a while.”

  “You’re in luck. We’ve just finished,” Norm said. “A good session it was too, wasn’t it Naomi?”

  “Excellent. I think we’re beginning to get the hang of these now.”

  “Right. That’s great.”

  “While you’re here, Jill, Kit and Britt came over to see us earlier. Apparently, they’ve been inspired by our alphorns, and they’re talking about starting a community band.”

  “Yeah, I seem to remember they mentioned that.”

  “We think it’s a great idea. I believe Jack plays the glockenspiel?”

  “Yes, he’s something of a maestro, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. He’s very modest like that.”

  “What about you, Jill? What instrument do you play?”

  “Me? None, I’m afraid. I’m not the least bit musical.”

  “Even so, you must get involved too. It’ll be fun.”

  “Yeah. Maybe. I’ll see.” Not a chance.

  “Look out, Jill!” Kimmy grabbed my arm and pulled me onto the lawn.

  Toot! Toot!

  Bessie, driven by Mr Hosey, came trundling down the pavement, and pulled up next to us.

  “Greetings, all.” He gave another toot for good measure.

  “We were just telling Jill about the community band,” Naomi said.

  “An excellent idea.” Mr Hosey nodded his approval. “I’ll be digging out Henry.”

  “Who’s Henry?” I’d asked the question before engaging my brain. Why did I even care?

  “Henry is my hurdy-gurdy.”

  “Man, I didn’t realise those things actually existed.”

  “It’s been some time since I played it.” Hosey stepped down from the train.

  “Jill hasn’t decided on an instrument yet,” Norm said. “Maybe you could give her lessons on Henry?”

  “I’d be delighted to.” Hosey beamed. “What do you say, Jill?”

  “I’ll think about it, but I really must get going now. I need to get as much sleep as I can before tonight.”

  ***

  In the absence of the alphorns, I was able to enjoy a few hours of undisturbed sleep.

  While I’d been in bed, Jack had sent me a text to say he’d be home a little late, so I made do with yet another microwave meal for dinner.

  At eight o’clock, I was just about to set off for the casino when he arrived home.

  “I thought you’d have gone already,” he said.

  “I’m just about to leave.”

  “Before you go, would you care to explain why it is that Kit and Britt think I play the glockenspiel?”

  “I’ve no idea. It must be all the exercise those two get. It’s drained the oxygen from their brains.” I gave him a kiss and made a bolt for the door.

  “We’re going to talk about this!” he shouted after me.

  When I arrived at the casino, just as I was about to get out of the car, my phone rang. It was Kathy, and she sounded as though she was hyperventilating.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m just so stressed about tomorrow.”

  “The new shop? Why are you worried? The first shop opening went okay, didn’t it?”

  “That’s what Pete said, but I’m still worried. What if the first shop was a fluke, and this one fails miserably?”

  “Now you’re just being silly.”

  “Will you come over to West Chipping in the morning to give me some moral support?”

  “I’m working undercover tonight.”

  “Please, Jill. Just for a couple of hours. It would mean a lot to me.”

  “Okay, but only for a couple of hours. What time?”

  “The shop opens at nine, so if you could get there at eight, that would be great.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  “Thanks, Jill. You’re my favourite sister.”

  “Creep.”

  As on my previous visit to the casino, I used the ‘block’ spell, so the doormen wouldn’t realise I was a witch. I’d come up with a plan that I hoped would allow me to get to the bottom of what was happening at Lucky Thirteen. This time, instead of moving from table to table, I planned to stay at the same one, and hopefully identify one of the big winners that night.

  I opted for roulette because that was the game that I understood best. For the first couple of hours, I watched a number of humans and sups come and go. As always, the humans were mostly losers and the sups mostly winners.

  Every now and then, I would wager one of the lowest value chips issued by the house, just to avoid attracting any unwanted attention.

  Just before one o’clock in the morning, a witch wearing a purple evening gown joined the table. Within an hour, she’d built a large stack of chips by using magic. For someone who’d just netted a couple of thousand pounds, she looked unmoved, and if anything, a little miserable.

  When she left the table, I followed her to the cashier’s desk where she cashed in her chips. Outside, she headed across the car park to an old banger, which looked like it was on its last legs. That didn’t make any sense. If she could use magic to make money so easily, why not invest in a decent car?

  I jumped into my car and followed her. The roads were quiet, so I was able to keep my distance without fear of losing her. Twenty minutes later, she pulled onto the Washland Estate, a housing estate known for its high crime rates. The car came to rest outside a small block of flats. This too made no sense. With the ability to make large sums of money at will, why would the woman choose to live here?

  I followed her into the building, and up the stairs to the third floor. As she made her way along the corridor, I picked up my pace so that by the time she reached her flat, I was standing right behind her.

  “Why are you following me?” She challenged me.

  “I’d like a quick word.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Can we talk inside?”

  “No. I don’t know you. What do you want?”

>   “I’d like to ask you a few questions about the money you won tonight.”

  “What’s that got to do with you?” She took out her phone. “You’d better go, or I’ll call the police.”

  “Be my guest. You can explain to them how you used magic to win.”

  At first, I didn’t understand why she looked so shocked, but then I realised that the ‘block’ spell was still active, so she had no idea that I was a witch.

  I quickly reversed the spell.

  “You’re a witch!” She gasped. “How did you do that?”

  “Never mind that. Can we go inside?”

  “Okay.” She led the way into a dingy little living room. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “I know a rogue retriever who might take a different view on that.”

  “No! You can’t give me up to them. I don’t want to go back to Candlefield. Please!”

  “You’d better start talking, then. You can start by explaining why you live here. No offence, but it isn’t exactly the lap of luxury, is it?”

  “It’s all I can afford.”

  “Don’t give me that. I’ve just seen you win at least two grand, and presumably, you can do that whenever you like.”

  “Yeah, but it’s not like I get to keep it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not saying anything else. I’ve said too much already. He’ll kill me.”

  “Who will?”

  “I’d like you to leave now, please.”

  “If you talk to me, I’ll make sure no harm comes to you, but if you don’t, the rogue retrievers will be here within the hour.”

  She burst into tears, and slumped into the grotty old armchair.

  And then she told me everything.

  Chapter 22

  I managed to grab a few hours’ sleep before the alarm woke me at six-thirty.

  “Did you set the alarm?” Jack rolled over and managed to open one eye.

  “Yeah.”

  “I thought you’d want a lie-in this morning after being at the casino last night.”