Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

  “I was thinking about Toni and the times I spent with her while she was getting treatment. The people we dealt with were also wonderful. I was just wondering what would make someone want to work in oncology. Or hospice, for that matter. When we realized Toni wasn’t going to get better, and she decided to go on hospice, everyone we dealt with, from the admissions, to the social worker, to the nurses—everyone made us feel like…I don’t know how to say this…almost like we didn’t have to worry about anything except spending our remaining time together. Those people are angels walking this earth.”

  Alex blinked back her tears and took a deep breath. “It’s hard to say why people do what they do. It’s some sort of calling, I guess. Speaking for myself, I chose to work in the ER because I thought it’s what my personality and skills were best suited for. How about you? What made you become a cop?”

  Frank was silent for a few moments before answering. “Honestly, I don’t know. It’s something I always wanted to be when I was growing up. I liked trying to right the wrongs and help people who needed help. Now, I like the fact that I belong to a larger family—one that’s by choice and not by blood.”

  Alex nodded. “I can see that about you. Your honor and nobility make you the perfect person to be out patrolling our streets. I think my compassion and diligence makes me the perfect person to be a nurse in the ER.”

  They arrived at the clinic and waited for Christine to bring them back. Alex tried to rein in her annoyance at Frank’s bouncing knee. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to bring Frank to chemo with her. She was still trying to spare Frank the feelings of losing her sister this might bring back to the surface, but Frank kept asking to take her, and Alex finally relented. Thankfully, they didn’t have to wait long before Christine came to get them.

  “Hey! There’s my favorite nurse.”

  Christine’s upbeat attitude made Alex smile, and she greeted her with a hug. “Hey there. Christine, this is Frank.”

  Christine offered her hand. “Ah, the infamous Frank. I’m so glad to finally meet you. I was beginning to think Alex had made you up,” she said with a laugh.

  “Good to meet you too. I’ve heard a lot about you, and I want to thank you for taking such good care of my girl.”

  Alex’s breath caught when Frank called Alex “her girl.” She hoped that Frank was strong enough to want to stay with her. Conversely, Alex hoped she was strong enough to eventually reveal her new self to Frank. Currently, she had no sexual desire, and she knew that had a little to do with her treatment. But a lot had to do with her self-image. In her eyes, she was disfigured, no longer whole. She’d been considering going to counseling with a therapist who had experience working with other women who had similar issues, but she hadn’t revealed this to anyone just yet. She wanted to complete her chemo and reconstruction before she took anything else on.

  Alex took her place in the brown leather recliner and kept quiet as Christine and Frank conversed through her treatment. Frank gave Christine a brief synopsis of what her sister went through and her experience with the treatment. Alex was grateful that she was left out of the conversation. She closed her eyes and drowned out the sound of their voices as she went to her happy place in her mind and Christine continued to exchange one syringe for another. The time passed quickly, and before she knew it, she was saying good-bye to Christine, saying she would see her in a couple of weeks.

  Frank was surprisingly quiet on the ride home. Alex had been accurate that Christine reminded her of Toni. Christine’s positive outlook and her demeanor were reminiscent of Toni. Frank had tried hard to pay attention to Christine, but she always had awareness of Alex and what she was going through. She would divert her attention to Alex and see her with her eyes closed, into herself, accepting the medications given through her IV. It felt as if Frank had been transported back three years when she would sit by Toni’s side through her treatment. Frank thought she had done fairly well staying in the present for the most part.

  When they got back to Alex’s, Frank asked her if she wanted any tea or toast, but Alex declined.

  “Can I get you a blanket? Do you want to lie down?”

  Alex shook her head and went to sit on the couch. When Frank sat next to her, Alex jumped up and hurried to the bathroom. Frank followed and rubbed Alex’s back as she hovered over the toilet. When Alex stopped, she rested her forehead on her arm.

  “Can I get you anything? A glass of water?”

  Alex shook her head.

  “A cold washcloth?”

  Alex shook her head again.

  “Didn’t the doctor give you anything to combat your nausea? They should have given you something.”

  “Frank, just shut up and leave me alone,” Alex moaned.

  Frank ran her fingers over her scalp and blew out a forceful breath. “Goddamn it, Toni! Why won’t you let me help you?”

  Alex looked up and glared at Frank. “What did you call me?”

  Frank scrunched her eyebrows together, confused. “What are you talking about?”

  Alex narrowed her eyes and spoke in a low, menacing voice. “You called me Toni.”

  “What? No, I didn’t.”

  Alex shook her head and closed her eyes. “I knew you were staying with me out of obligation. I fucking knew it. You stayed with me so you could help me the way you couldn’t help Toni.”

  Frank held up her hands to placate Alex. “That’s not true. I love you and you know it.”

  “No, I think you love the idea of being able to help me through this, to see me survive. You want to be my hero, my savior, but I don’t need that and I don’t need you. Get out.”

  “Please, Alex, can’t we talk about this? Let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain. Get the hell out. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

  Alex pushed Frank out of the bathroom and slammed the door.

  Frank stood there stunned, staring at the closed door that separated her and Alex, the love of her life, the woman who just kicked her out of her house, and a sudden coldness ran through Frank’s veins. She stumbled into the living room, not exactly sure what had just happened, and plopped down on the couch. She ran her hands over her scalp, trying to figure out what the hell she said to majorly piss off Alex. She said Frank called her Toni, but was that it? Was that why Alex kicked her out? Alex had been a bit surly all morning and stayed pretty quiet. The whole experience that day reminded Frank of when she would go with Toni to her treatments. She remembered how Toni would become verbally combative when she would come home from chemo. Frank hadn’t exactly been sure if it was because Toni was scared, not feeling well, or something else. And meeting Christine today, whose personality and looks reminded Frank of Toni. No wonder she called Alex by her sister’s name. Toni had been in her thoughts all day, and it had brought up so many memories.

  Frank didn’t want to leave Alex alone, but she also knew better than to try to force things with her right now. Alex probably wasn’t in the mood to hear any explanation Frank could come up with. She dialed Kathleen’s number, since Jordan and Kirsten were at work.

  “Hi, Kathleen. It’s Frank. Would you mind coming over and looking after Alex?”

  “What’s wrong? Is she okay?”

  “Well, she’s throwing up, but she kicked me out of the house, and I don’t want to leave her alone. I also don’t want to make her more upset by staying here.”

  “I’ll be right over.”

  Frank shoved her phone back in her pocket and dropped her head in her hands. She honestly didn’t know what to do about Alex. Frank loved her and would do anything to prove it to her. But how? What more could she do? Alex obviously didn’t believe her or trust what Frank told her to be true. Frank couldn’t force Alex to believe her either. She believed that she could have spent the rest of her life loving Alex, that they could have been happy together. She still believed that—if only Alex would come around. The only thing Frank felt she could do at this point was let Alex have her sp
ace and figure out what she wanted.

  Frank heard the front door open and turned to see Kathleen. She sat next to Frank on the couch and placed her hand on Frank’s knee.

  “What did my daughter do?”

  Frank told her about their morning, how quiet Alex had been, how Frank tried to help, and when she got frustrated, she accidentally called Alex Toni.

  “She thinks I’m staying with her out of obligation, Kathleen, but I swear I’m not. I honestly love her, and I want to help her in any way I can.”

  “I know you do, honey. I don’t know how she got it in her head that that’s why you’re with her. If it means anything, her dad and I adore you and love the way you treat our daughter. Do you want me to talk to her?”

  Frank shook her head. “I’ll give her the space she wants right now. I didn’t want to leave her alone with how sick she is right now, but I didn’t want to upset her more.” Frank leaned over and kissed Kathleen on the cheek. “Tell her I’ll call her later, and you call me if you need me.”

  Alex was rinsing her mouth out when there was a knock on the door. “I told you to leave. I don’t want you here.”

  The door opened and Alex saw her mom in the mirror’s reflection. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  “Hey, honey. How are you feeling?”

  “Awful. This is one of the things I hate most—the nausea and fatigue.” Alex slipped past her mom and lay down on her bed. She asked again, “What are you doing here?”

  “Frank called me to come over and keep an eye on you.”

  “Is she still here?”

  “No, she just left. She thought it would be best if she weren’t here.”

  Alex sighed. “I knew she’d run when it got tough.”

  Her mother sat next to Alex and looked her in the eyes. “More like you chased her off. Why do you insist on treating her so badly?”

  Alex sat up and raised her voice. “What are you talking about? I didn’t chase her off. If she really loved me, she would have stayed.”

  Her mother stood. “Cut the crap, Alex. You’ve been chasing her off ever since you were diagnosed. All she’s been doing is trying to take care of you, and you keep treating her horribly. Your father and I did not raise you to treat people like that, especially ones you supposedly love.”

  “I never said I loved her.”

  “Oh, baby, you didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face. I see it in your eyes. I’ve never seen that look in your eyes with anyone else. Why do you continally push her away?”

  “I don’t want her to be with me because she feels sorry for me. I want her to be with me because she loves me.”

  “Why do you think she doesn’t love you?”

  “Mom, she called me Toni today.”

  “That’s it? That’s your whole reasoning?”

  Alex looked down, avoiding her mother’s gaze. Now that she thought about it, it did sound pretty ridiculous. Why was she behaving so irrationally? She could use the fact that her life had been turned upside down in the past few months, but that didn’t explain why she wasn’t treating other people the way she was treating Frank.

  “I don’t know why I’m treating her like crap, Mom.” Alex broke down and started to cry. This wasn’t who she was. She wasn’t an asshole. She was a compassionate person who normally put other people’s needs before her own. She wasn’t used to being dependent on others to take care of her, but that’s exactly what happened. She depended on others to take her to chemo, take care of her when she was sick or fatigued. But she had to keep in mind that this would soon be over. She only had a few more chemo treatments, then she could undergo her reconstruction and resume her normal life. Who was she kidding? Her life would never be like it was before the diagnosis. She would just have to find her new normal. She continued to cry as her mom held her, but her tears weren’t for self-pity—they were for Frank. She deserved someone better than Alex, someone who would show their appreciation and love.

  *

  Frank got in her truck and left Alex’s place, not knowing exactly where she was going. Things between her and Alex had been better lately, which was why Alex’s behavior today threw Frank for a loop. Frank’s head was spinning, her stomach was grumbling since she hadn’t had anything to eat, and she certainly didn’t have an appetite now. After driving all over town, she found herself sitting in the parking lot of the Joint. She didn’t like to drink when she was upset, but she figured one little drink wouldn’t hurt. She went inside and took a seat at the end of the bar. The bartender came over, and Frank ordered a shot of tequila with a beer chaser. After she threw back the shot, she placed the glass upside down on the bar and picked up her bottle of beer to take a drink. A hand on her shoulder made her turn around.

  “Christ, Robbins, shouldn’t you be on patrol?”

  “We just finished our shift, Sarge, and a couple of the guys and I decided to get a drink. Do you want to join us?”

  Frank checked her watch. Damn. When did it get to be four thirty? “No, thanks. I just came in for a quick drink.”

  “You okay, Sarge? You look pretty upset.”

  “I’m fine, Robbins. Go back to your table and I’ll see you later.”

  Frank turned her back to Robbins, dismissing him back to his table.

  “Paul, can I get another shot?”

  Frank had her head down on her arms, which were crossed on top of the bar. She again felt a hand on her shoulder, but didn’t bother lifting her head. “I told you I’m fine, Robbins.” She wondered why her words sounded slurred.

  “He didn’t think you were fine, so he texted me.”

  Frank lifted her head when she heard Katie’s voice, and she threw her arms around her.

  “Katie! Come have a drink with me.”

  “I think you’ve had enough to drink, Frank. Let me take you home.”

  “I’ve only had a couple. I’m fine.”

  “Well, Paul said you’ve had five shots and three beers. I think it’s time to go.”

  Frank felt her face get hot and she started crying. “She kicked me out, Katie. Alex kicked me out and won’t let me help her.”

  “Let’s go home and we can talk about it, buddy. Do you think you can walk on your own?”

  Frank shook her head and felt the room start to spin. She thought she might vomit and held her hand over her stomach. When the wave of nausea passed, she put her arm around Katie’s shoulders.

  “Help me out to my truck.”

  “No way. We’ll come back and get it tomorrow. I’ll take you home. And if you puke in my car, I’m kicking your ass.”

  Frank spent the drive home staring out the window, her head bobbing with every bump in the road, willing herself not to throw up. Katie hadn’t said a word to her once she got Frank in the car. Now she had the two most important women in her life angry with her. She wondered how the day got so cluster-fucked. They pulled into Frank’s driveway, and Katie came around to help her out of the car and inside her house.

  After Bella greeted them, Frank went to sit on the couch while Katie fed Bella. Katie came in and sat next to Frank and handed her a glass of water and some aspirin.

  “So, what was so bad today that made you want to go to a bar and get drunk?”

  “I didn’t mean to get drunk. I don’t know what happened today. I took Alex to her chemo appointment, and I guess that’s when it happened. Her nurse reminded me so much of Toni, and the whole time, I felt like I was back three years ago when Toni was getting her treatment.”

  “What happened with Alex? You said at the bar she threw you out?”

  “She started getting sick, and I tried to help her. She yelled at me to leave her alone, and I guess I called her Toni by mistake. Then she accused me of staying with her out of obligation and not love. She told me to get out of her house.” Frank leaned her head on the back of the couch and looked to the ceiling as if she’d find the answers written there. “I called her mom to come stay with her, and when Kathleen got there, I left
. I kept driving around until I ended up at the bar.”

  “So you decided to drown your sorrows in a bottle of tequila. Nice, Frank. I thought you didn’t want to be like your parents.”

  “I don’t. I’m not.”

  “That’s where you’re headed. You’ve had your share of stress, and you’re trying to numb your pain with alcohol. Exactly what your parents did. Exactly what you said you’d never do.”

  “I swear, Katie, this is the only time I’ve done this. I’ve been seeing Dr. Cook, and she’s been helping me deal with Alex’s illness.”

  “Well, you need to talk to her about today. Because you’re fucking crazy if you think I’m going to stand by and watch you become a drunk.”

  Frank was sobbing and trying to catch her breath. Her whole body shook as she tried to speak. “I-I-I p-promise, K-K-Katie. P-p-please don’t b-be mad at m-me.”

  Katie wrapped her arms around Frank. “I’m not mad at you, but I am worried about you. You’ve been dealing with a lot, and I want to make sure you stay safe. You’re my best friend and I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”

  Frank squeezed Katie tightly. “I love you too. I’m sorry I worried you.”

  “I forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again.”

  Frank laughed. “I’ll try not to.”

  “Good. Now let’s get you into bed. I’m going to stay in the guest room tonight just in case you need me. In the morning, I’ll take you to get your truck and you can go talk to Dr. Cook. Once that’s over, you can see about getting your girl to talk to you again.”

  Katie escorted Frank to her room and helped her take off her shoes and get into bed.

  “I’ll be in the guest room if you need me.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Katie. Love you.”

  Frank was asleep before Katie even turned off the lights.

  Chapter Thirty

  Frank read the text over and over but still didn’t want to comprehend the meaning. Was Alex breaking up with her? It had been four days since Alex kicked her out. Frank had called a few times and left messages, but didn’t hear back from Alex until today. Frank was so excited to see Alex’s name pop up on her phone, but it quickly turned into a lump in her throat when she read the message.