Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

  I’m sorry I was such a jerk. You deserve better than me. I need some time to myself. I hope you understand. Take care of yourself.

  Frank had met with Dr. Cook the day after she tied one on, and it had been an emotional session. They talked about Alex, Toni, her parents, and why she felt the need to drink. Dr. Cook thought it would be beneficial to add an extra session every week to make sure Frank wouldn’t be using alcohol as a crutch. She was grateful for the extra session that was scheduled for that day. She would definitely need to talk to Dr. Cook about this text.

  Part of her wanted to drive over to Alex’s and ask her what the hell was going on. The other part wanted to keep her pride intact and not pursue it any further. She’d never been one to chase after women, but then again, she’d never been with a woman like Alex. Before Alex had been diagnosed, she was a different person. She laughed a lot, was friendly to anyone she came in contact with, loved to have a good time, and loved with her whole heart. One of the many things Frank loved about Alex was how tender she was with Aiden, how she always took Bella into consideration, and liked to do things to include her, like go to the park or dog beach.

  Their sexual relationship was also off the charts. Frank had never experienced the level of intimacy she shared with Alex with anyone else. They were always in sync with what the other needed, whether it was slow and tender, or fast and hard. But regardless of their sexual chemistry, they had so much more than that. They hadn’t had sex since before Alex’s mastectomy. Frank hadn’t even seen Alex naked since the surgery, but that didn’t really matter to her. Sure, she missed making love with Alex, but she would have been content to never again have sex if she just had the opportunity to spend her life loving and being loved by Alex.

  She picked up her phone to call Alex but just as quickly put it back down. As much as she hated to do it, she was going to give Alex the time and space she said she needed. Frank was just going to have to keep busy in the meantime. She hadn’t had much time to spend with Katie outside of work. Maybe she and Katie could get together after work one night and grab a beer. Maybe she’d take a few days off work and take Bella camping. She’d been so focused on Alex’s well-being that she hadn’t really done anything for herself. Not that she minded. Alex and her treatment were Frank’s primary concern. It still was, but Alex had made it known that Frank was no longer welcome in that aspect.

  Basketball season had ended two weeks ago, but maybe Frank would play when it started back up. She got along well with her teammates and liked hanging out with them after the games. She also wanted to keep her friendship with Jordan, but she wondered if Jordan would pick sides. If she did, it would obviously be Alex’s side Jordan would stay on. Frank really liked spending time with Jordan and Kirsten, and she had really bonded with Aiden. There were times when she and Aiden would be playing, and Frank imagined her and Alex having a kid or two of their own.

  Frank wiped away the tears that started to fall. Not only was she losing Alex, she was losing everyone associated with Alex that she had come to care about, including Alex’s parents. Frank mourned the loss of Bruce and Kathleen, who had essentially become like surrogate parents to her. They showed her more love and respect than her own parents had when they were still in her life. They welcomed her into their family, and just as quickly, she was now out of it.

  Bella jumped up onto the couch and licked Frank’s face, taking away the tears on her warm tongue. Frank hugged her dog, her constant companion, until the tears stopped falling.

  “Don’t worry, girl. We’ll eventually get over Alex, and we’ll move on to the rest of our lives.” If only she could believe her own words.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  “Thank you for meeting with me, Dr. Meyer. Dr. Moreno highly recommended you. She thought maybe you’d be able to help me.” Alex walked with Dr. Meyer back to her office and was invited to have a seat in one of two wingback chairs. The room was utilitarian but comfortable at the same time. She liked that they would be sitting fairly close to each other, like they were visiting in someone’s living room. It didn’t feel like she was being seen by a psychologist.

  “I appreciate hearing that, Alex. Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself and your family, then a little about your work, things you like to do for fun. Then we’ll talk about why you’re here. I want to know if you’ve ever had therapy before and what your expectations are from seeing me.”

  Alex discussed her parents, her relationship with Jordan, Kirsten, and Aiden. She talked about nursing in the ER and how she couldn’t wait to get back. She told the doctor that she enjoyed dancing and spending time with Aiden. She almost mentioned that going to the park with Frank and Bella was also a favorite activity, but she stopped herself before the words came out. “I haven’t had therapy before, so I’m not sure exactly what to expect. I guess I just want help in changing my attitude.”

  “It sounds like you have a wonderful support system with your family and friends. Let’s talk about what you want me to help you with.”

  Alex took a deep breath and looked down at her hands. “I was diagnosed with breast cancer about three months ago. After going over my options, I had a mastectomy of my left breast, had an expander put in, and started chemotherapy. Once I’m done with chemo, I’ll have breast reconstruction surgery and start hormone therapy.”

  “How’s that going for you?”

  Alex looked up expecting to see pity in the doctor’s eyes but instead saw compassion and curiosity. “I get sick after each chemo treatment, and I’m pretty tired for a couple of days, but then my energy level returns until my next treatment. Thankfully, I have only two more to go through. I’d have to say that the nausea, fatigue, and hair loss have been the worst part about this.”

  “What about the loss of your breast? Wasn’t that difficult for you?”

  Alex blinked slowly, almost outraged that she would even ask that. “Of course it’s been difficult.”

  “I was just wondering because that’s usually the answer I get from women who come to see me—that losing their breast and seeing the scars were the hardest thing for them to handle.”

  Alex ran her hand along her thighs and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. I meant the hardest thing about chemo was the nausea, fatigue, and hair loss.”

  “Do you have a significant other, Alex? It wasn’t clear to me when you talked about your support system if you have one.”

  The question took Alex by surprise, and she felt a heavy feeling in her stomach. “I did, but we broke up last week.”

  “What contributed to the breakup? Were they not being supportive?”

  “No, she was very supportive. Sometimes I felt like she was too supportive, like I was feeling smothered.”

  Dr. Meyer nodded. “Okay. How are you feeling about it now?”

  Alex thought for a moment before answering. “I was upset with her so I broke up with her, but now I feel bad that I reacted so quickly. That’s part of the reason I’m here. I’ve been treating her unfairly, and I want to figure out why.”

  “Well, Alex, it seems like there are a lot of complicated issues going on. There are a lot of layers happening. Cancer has its own relationship with the person around grief. It can change your sense of self. That can disturb your well-being and can affect your ability to maintain relationships. What do you know about grief and loss and mourning?”

  “I see it all the time as an ER nurse. People die all the time and I see it, but I’m not attached to those people. They are people I haven’t formally met. They’re brought into my ER and I do my best to save them, but we can’t save them all.”

  Dr. Meyer nodded and remained silent.

  “I love Frank, but I’m afraid for her to go through this again. She lost her twin sister to breast cancer a few years back, and I’m afraid to let her go through this again with me. I’m afraid to let her get attached to me, and I’m afraid of getting attached to her because what if I need her and she can’t handle it after all? What if she bail
s? And even though I’ve given her the option to just going back to being friends, she swears that she loves me and wants to be with me. But what if she doesn’t? What if she realizes that she doesn’t really want to be with me? That she just wants to help me because she couldn’t help her sister?” Alex felt the tears sting her eyes and wiped them away with the tissue Dr. Meyer handed her.

  “Well,” Dr. Meyer began, “you’re in a sticky situation because you’re dealing with your own mortality. There isn’t anything more vulnerable than that. So, why would you want anyone close? Why would you want to be more emotionally exposed than you already are? Your subconscious may be fairly protective, trying to keep you aware of that. As a nurse, you’re very good at focusing on other people, and it would be very odd for your innate ability to focus on yourself.”

  Alex agreed. “It’s been very hard to let people take care of me when I’m used to taking care of others. That role reversal has me all mixed up.” Alex laughed as she pointed to her head.

  Dr. Meyer smiled. “I can see that. You may be having sadness, anger, and hostility toward the people closest to you. If you’re aggravated and irritable and explosive, and you’re acting out of character, do you think you’re being defensive because you don’t want to be vulnerable? Or are you just in general not used to being on the other side of things?”

  “Yeah, I think it’s the vulnerability that I feel,” Alex said. “That if I allow myself, I can see spending the rest of my life with Frank. But if I allow myself to go that far, to give myself completely over to her, and she bails, I don’t know…I mean, haven’t I been through enough already? I mean, honestly, I’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve lost essentially what I think of as the essence of my femininity, and I don’t think I could tolerate losing,” Alex hesitated, “the love of my life. Because that’s what she is. She’s the love of my life. But I thought it would be easier for me if I was the one to break it off rather than be the one to be broken up with.”

  Dr. Meyer nodded, and the look in her eyes softened. “And how’s that working out for you?”

  Alex shook her head. “It sucks.”

  “I bet it does. So, you’re just trying to be protective?”

  “Yes. I’m trying to be very protective of myself.”

  “Do you think there’s any mixed message, or ambivalence? Has she been there for you? Participating in your care?”

  “She’s been wanting to participate more, but I haven’t let her. I’ve been keeping her at bay because I thought that would protect her from having to relive what she went through with Toni. I reluctantly allowed her to take me to chemo the day we broke up.”

  “Let me ask you something. What makes it okay for you to care of other people and not allow the same thing for yourself? What makes that okay?”

  Alex paused then answered. “When I’m taking care of other people, that puts me more in control. I feel like I’m not in control when I let people take care of me because I’m not at my strongest right now.”

  “How scary that must be for you. Cancer does that, though. People with illnesses are not in control of their bodies. They have to develop a new relationship with their self. You have to get to know your new body. You have to get to know your new self, which can be terrifying. It would make sense that you’re being temperamental, to say the least, with a significant relationship. However, it also seems like you show your true emotion with her. She’s the one you get angry with. She’s the one that you’re raging toward. She’s the one you’re projecting with. She gets the brunt of it all. That suggests that she’s also the safest person for you.”

  Alex shook her head slightly, confused with Dr. Meyer’s observation. “I feel like my parents and best friends are the safest people for me.”

  Dr. Meyer nodded as if she understood. “But are you being completely open with them? You’re not taking your anger out on them; you’re taking it out on Frank. Could it be because you trust her to be able to handle that?”

  Alex remained silent, not knowing the answer.

  “Share with me a little how you feel about her not being there.”

  Alex started to cry, and it was a few minutes before she could answer. “I miss her. I miss everything about her when she’s not around. She’s so honorable and noble, which makes her great as an officer. She’s strong, she’s confident, and she’s the white knight in shining armor. You know? That’s her field. She tries to swoop in and save the day. But I want her to be with me because she wants to, not because she feels she has to save me. And that’s how I feel sometimes—that because she wasn’t able to save her sister, this might be her second chance.”

  “Hmm. That’s interesting. Have you told her this?”

  The silence from Alex made them both chuckle until Alex said, “No, I haven’t.”

  “Well, I think that might warrant a conversation. You’re in a very fragile state, and you deserve as much information as you could possibly get. It isn’t fair to yourself, or Frank, to make a decision without all of the information. Clearly, the two of you are very connected, and you want the support. I hear a lot of ambivalence. You want the support, but you’re scared of it at the same time. You deserve to know what’s what. Does she really want to be there for you? Or does it have nothing to do with you, that she’s trying to correct something from the past? Do you feel like you can talk with her? Or is it still too scary?”

  “I feel like I can, but it is scary. And I don’t want to have that conversation with her until I have a better grip on me. I want to make sure that I’m working to better myself physically and emotionally. Because if I’m always thinking I’m less of a woman than I was before, I’ll be afraid to show my whole new self to her.”

  Dr. Meyer smiled and put down her pen and pad of paper on the small table next to her chair. “I think that’s a good plan and also a good place to leave until next week when we meet again. In the meantime, I want you to have daily talks with yourself in the morning when you wake up and at night before you go to bed. They don’t have to be long talks, just greet yourself with a daily affirmation or what you want positive to happen that day. At night, talk about how that affirmation came true, and if it didn’t, remind yourself of something else good that happened in your day.”

  “Okay. Thank you, and I’ll see you next week.”

  Alex staggered out to her car and got behind the wheel where she leaned her head back against the headrest and closed her eyes. She was exhausted. She’d never been to counseling before and didn’t really know what to expect, but she felt better getting everything off her chest. Her mom kept telling her that she was treating Frank poorly, and Alex agreed, but it was a relief to talk to an impartial person who validated how Alex was feeling, not telling her she shouldn’t be acting a certain way.

  Alex thought about what she and Dr. Meyer talked about. Maybe Frank was the one she trusted most. After all, it was Frank that, in essence, knew what Alex was going through because of what her sister went through. Maybe Alex felt that Frank could handle her irritability and irrational behavior. But that didn’t mean Frank should have to deal with that from her. Alex had a lot of work to do on herself before she could try to talk to Frank. She just hoped it wouldn’t be too late and there would still be a chance to get back together.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Frank entered the women’s locker room at the station after her shift and started to disrobe. She was just about to head to the showers when Katie came in.

  “What’s up, Frank?”

  “Hey, bud. Just going to jump in the shower. What’s up with you?”

  “I was wondering if you didn’t have any plans, you could come over for dinner. Michelle’s making her famous lasagna tonight.”

  Frank thought about the offer and accepted. “I have to take Bella out for a walk, then I’ll come by.”

  “Why don’t you bring her over and we’ll walk her together while Michelle finishes up dinner?”

  Frank laughed. “Won’t your girl
friend want you to help?”

  “Nah. She says I just get in her way, so I’ve been instructed to stay out of the kitchen when she cooks. She allows me in after the meal so I can do the cleanup.”

  “That sounds fair. I’ll be over around five.”

  Frank took her shower and drove home to get Bella. She had noticed a changed demeanor in her dog, almost like she was depressed. She didn’t greet Frank at the door with her usual enthusiastic tail wag. If Frank had to guess, she’d say Bella missed Alex. Hell, Frank sure did. She couldn’t believe it had been three weeks since they broke up. Time seemed to slow since then, and she wondered if anything would return to normal again. There were so many times Frank wanted to call or text Alex. When something funny happened at work, she wanted to text. When she was really missing Alex, she wanted to call just to hear her voice. But she held strong and didn’t give in to her desires. Jordan had texted her a couple of times to check in, but Frank didn’t really know what to say, so she texted back that she was fine and busy with work. What could she say to Alex’s best friend? That she missed her and wished Alex would pull her head out of her ass and talk to her?

  When Frank and Bella arrived at Katie and Michelle’s, Frank put her bag down in the coat closet and went into the kitchen to say hello to Michelle. After they hugged and Frank handed her a bottle of wine, Frank, Katie, and Bella went for a stroll around the neighborhood.

  “So, how’re you really doing, Frank?”

  “I’m doing okay. Talking with Dr. Cook is helping, especially with the extra session each week.”

  “I’m glad she’s helping. You know, you really scared me that night you got drunk. And after what happened to you after Toni died, I didn’t feel I could leave you alone. I was afraid of what might happen.”