Courageous Love

by KC Richardson

  Frank dropped her chin to her chest and hunched her shoulders. She felt ashamed for having put her best friend through that in the first place, to be afraid for Frank’s life. Toni’s death and the estrangement with her parents made Frank want to end her own life. She had lost her entire family in a matter of days and she seriously considered putting the muzzle of her gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger. If Katie hadn’t knocked on Frank’s door when she did, Frank’s life probably would have ended that night. Katie and Frank were the only ones who knew that story. Katie promised Frank she wouldn’t tell anyone, and Frank trusted her. She trusted Katie with her life. It was Katie who demanded Frank seek psychological help, and she had been with Frank when she adopted Bella. Katie probably knew Frank would never put her life in jeopardy when there was someone or something depending on her. Katie and Bella had saved Frank’s life.

  “I’m sorry, Katie. I didn’t mean to drink that much, and if it makes a difference, I haven’t had anything to drink since that day.”

  “I understand, but you’ve been dealing with a lot of shit—Alex’s diagnosis and treatment, your breakup. I’m worried about you and I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

  Frank wrapped her arm around Katie’s shoulders and pulled her in close for a hug. “I know, and I’m sorry I worried you. It’s been rough. When Alex was diagnosed, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to handle it, if it would bring up too many memories of losing Toni. But it helped that I was able to talk to Dr. Cook about things I was worried about.

  “It wasn’t until the time I took Alex to her chemo that Toni came flooding back into my thoughts. Alex was in a bad mood that morning when I picked her up, just like Toni would be. Remember? She’d yell at us, call us names, but we knew she did it because she was scared. I’m not sure why Alex was angry with me that day. Her nurse reminded me a little of my sister, so that also didn’t help. I just can’t believe she’d think I would stay with her out of obligation.”

  “Doesn’t she know how much you love her?”

  “I’ve told her many times, Katie, but I guess she never believed me. Or maybe she doesn’t love me enough to trust me. She’s never said she loved me, but I thought she did even though she never said the words.”

  “Christ, Frank. I’m sorry about all this. Is there anything I can do?”

  “Not really. I mean, I’m not going to push her to try to talk to me. I just miss her so fucking much. I know this isn’t really her that’s behaving this way. She’s had a lot to deal with, and I just wanted to love her and be there for her, be with her.”

  “Yeah, it doesn’t sound like her. That time the four of us got together for dinner, I had a really great time talking to her. Michelle and I kept saying how perfect she was for you and how you’d finally found the one.”

  “I thought so too. I really pictured us spending the rest of our life together.”

  “I really hope for both of your sakes that she comes around and is willing to talk to you about what happened.”

  “So do I, buddy.”

  *

  Alex and Jordan had taken a seat in their favorite diner, one they frequently went to while they were in college. Once they ordered their lunch, Jordan asked Alex how she’d been feeling since her chemotherapy had ended.

  “I’m feeling better and my hair is starting to grow back. I’m glad to be over the nausea and fatigue as well.”

  “How’s counseling going? Do you like your therapist?”

  “I do like her and I feel it’s really helping. I’m doing my homework she’s given me, and my attitude is getting better. Every morning when I wake up, I lie in bed and say an affirmation. Sometimes they’re so silly, but they seem to work. This morning, I affirmed that I was going to rock the new scarf that Kirsten bought me last week. I can’t wait until I don’t have to wear them anymore, even though they’re beautiful. Pretty soon, I’m going to be affirming that I’m going to have a great hair day.” Alex laughed. “It’s probably because of therapy and being finished with chemo, but I’m becoming more positive and less mopey. I couldn’t stand myself being so whiney, but I just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it.”

  Jordan reached across the table and held her hand. “We completely understood, but we were really worried about you. I can’t begin to know what you were going through and how you were feeling. We were all so grateful that the cancer was gone, but we weren’t the ones going through all the treatment.”

  Alex squeezed Jordan’s hand and smiled. “I know and I appreciate everyone’s support, but I felt this was my journey to go through and obviously I had some lessons to learn. I may not know all of them yet but I believe I will someday.”

  “And what about Frank? Is she one of your lessons?”

  “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “Come on, Al. We all saw it.”

  Alex avoided Jordan’s gaze. “Saw what?”

  Jordan sighed. “We saw how the two of you fell in love. We saw how you two completed the other. Then you were diagnosed and the more she tried to help you, the more you pushed her away. Did you ever figure out why you did that?”

  Alex fiddled with the straw in her iced tea before she finally answered. “Yes, I figured it out with the help of Dr. Meyer.” Alex paused when the waitress set down their plates. “There was a culmination of things. I wanted to spare her going through this again with someone she loved. I didn’t know how to let her take care of me. But I think the biggest factor was I was scared. I was falling in love with her, and I was frightened she would leave. I didn’t trust her to stay so I tried to put distance between us. I tried to step back.”

  “How do you feel about it now? Do you still not trust her?”

  “Actually, it’s not that I didn’t exactly trust her, but I didn’t trust myself to allow her into my life completely and allow myself to be vulnerable with her. I’m getting better, but I’m still not comfortable with my body, and I’m not ready to show my body to anyone.” Alex threw a fry at Jordan and smirked. “Not even you.”

  Jordan feigned rejection by putting her hand over her chest and widening her eyes, then laughed. “I don’t want to see you naked anyway.”

  Alex threw her head back and laughed. “You wanted to when we were younger and you were in love with me.”

  “That’s true, but now I’m happily married and only interested in seeing my wife naked.”

  Alex looked down to her lap then looked at Jordan. “Do you think Frank would want to see me naked?”

  “Do you want her to?”

  Alex shrugged. “Not yet, but maybe after I’m recovered from my reconstruction. Have you talked to her lately?”

  “Not really. Just a couple of short conversations. She’s shut down, Al. When I try to ask her how she’s doing or if she wants to talk about anything, she says no and says she’s doing okay, then finds an excuse to get off the phone. And with basketball season over, I haven’t seen her.”

  “Oh. So you don’t know if she’s seeing anyone?”

  “I don’t know, Al, but I doubt it. She was completely in love with you, so I don’t think she’s gotten over you yet. She’s not the type to start dating someone when she’s still in love with you. The big question is, are you going to call her so you can apologize?”

  Alex threw another fry at her. “I want to, but I’m not ready. I have my reconstructive surgery next week, and I still have some work to do before I’m comfortable with myself. I want to be able to give Frank all of me, not just part of me. You know what I mean?”

  “I do, but I have a feeling that Frank would be happy with what you can give her now, so don’t wait too long. I’d hate for you to lose her completely because you were dragging your feet.”

  “I know, but I can’t rush this. I won’t be good for either of us unless I feel good about my new self.”

  “How are you feeling about your surgery? This is it, right?”

  “Yeah, I’m feeling pretty good actually. I’ve been getting my expan
der filled while I went through chemo, but I couldn’t have the implant put in until I was finished with my treatment. My plastic surgeon said I’ll be in the hospital for just a day, and I should be ready to go back to work in about six weeks, but I’m going to talk to Valerie and see if she has any light duty for me so I can go back to work sooner. I’m going nuts not being able to work, and I really miss my friends at the hospital.”

  “I know you do. Just don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”

  “I promise.”

  Chapter Thirty-three

  “I can’t fucking believe this!”

  “Hang on, Sarge. We’ll have you at the hospital in no time.”

  Frank mentally slapped herself for getting tackled by Officer Robbins again. What were the odds that she would get tackled twice by the same officer while chasing a suspect? She recalled the last time when she was chasing a meth head, she got caught between the perp and Robbins, and ended up in the ER with a cracked rib. The pain sucked, but it led to her and Alex dating. Now it was her shoulder. She didn’t think it was dislocated, but the pain was intense enough to not want to move her arm. She declined an ambulance but had one of her officers drive her.

  She wondered if Alex was back to work yet. Not a day went by when she didn’t think about or miss Alex. Frank thought Alex was done with chemo and probably had her reconstruction by now. She wanted to call her, to check in, but she didn’t want to do anything that would upset Alex, so she continued to stay away. When Jordan would text her, she didn’t ask about Alex. She didn’t want to put her in an awkward position. Frank just continued to think positive and healing thoughts for Alex and her family.

  They arrived at the hospital, and Frank registered at the admitting desk. Because of her uniform and because most everyone in the ER knew her, she didn’t have to wait long before being shown to a cubicle. As she tottered through the ER, she looked for any sign of Alex and was sorely disappointed not to see her. The nurse, Nancy, was someone Frank knew, and she was grateful she’d be taken care of by a friend. After giving Nancy a brief explanation of how her injury occurred, she took off her uniform shirt and Kevlar vest but remained in her undershirt.

  Once her vitals were taken, the x-ray technician came in and took shots of her shoulder. Now she’d have to wait a while until the doctor could read the films and diagnose her. She sat on the table and scrolled through her emails on her phone, then switched over to her solitaire app to help pass the time. When the curtain was pulled back, she looked up and gasped, surprised to see Alex standing there. Frank was unable to blink, afraid if she did, Alex would disappear. Neither of them moved, and Frank took in a deep breath when she realized she forgot to breathe. God, Alex was beautiful. She had gained a little bit of weight, but Frank didn’t care. In fact, in Frank’s eyes, it made Alex even more gorgeous. She couldn’t believe it had been almost four months since they’d seen each other. Alex’s hair was growing out. It was only a couple of inches long, but there was some sort of product in it. It was spiked and looked absolutely adorable on her. Frank wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her, but fear and apprehension kept her where she was.

  Alex closed the curtain behind her, and she scanned Frank from head to toe, making her feel as if she was being caressed by Alex’s chocolate brown eyes.

  “Still finding excuses to see me, Sarge?”

  Frank grinned. “I had to do something to get you to notice me.” She looked down and wiped her eyes before the tears could fall, then looked at the woman she was still in love with. “You look great, Alex. How are you feeling?”

  Alex crossed her arms over her chest before she answered. “I’m feeling better. I’m not tired anymore since chemo ended.” She pulled a lock of her hair. “It’s starting to grow back.”

  “I noticed. That style looks really cute on you.”

  “Thank you. I was thinking of keeping it short. Not quite this short, but I like how easy it is to take care of.” Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “So, how have you been?”

  Frank shrugged and looked away. “I’m all right. Keeping busy with work and taking care of Bella. You know.” She shrugged again.

  Alex stepped closer and put her hand on Frank’s knee. Frank felt the rush of heat flow through her body as it always had when they touched.

  “Frank, I’m so sorry for the way I behaved. Would you…can we get together soon to talk? I have so much to tell you and say to you, but I need more time than a few minutes at work. Please? I can come to your place. I’d love to see Bella.” Alex looked apprehensive yet hopeful with her eyebrows raised and her eyes widened. Frank realized at that moment that no matter how much time they spent apart, Frank was still powerless to Alex and would hang the moon for her if she could.

  “I’d like that. Bella’s missed you.” Frank placed her hand over Alex’s and rubbed it with her thumb. “I’ve missed you.”

  Alex let out a shaky breath and smiled. “I’ll call you to see when you’re free. Would that be okay?”

  Frank nodded and once again resisted the urge to pull Alex into her body and kiss her senseless, kiss her until she said she wanted Frank back, then kiss her some more. She felt the blood rush through her body and had to calm her breathing. “I’m looking forward to it.”

  Alex started to back away slowly, never once looking away from Frank, until she ran into the curtain behind her. “Okay, good. If I don’t see you before you leave, I’ll call soon.”

  And then she was gone. Back to work. Taking care of patients. But she wasn’t gone gone. For the first time in longer than she could remember, Frank finally felt hopeful for her future. Not just her future, but her future with Alex. She hoped she wasn’t imagining Alex’s behavior. She seemed happy to see Frank, to still have feelings for her. She could only hope that when they talked again that Alex would tell Frank that she wanted to get back together.

  The curtain slid through the metal grooves in the ceiling, but this time it was the doctor, and Frank had to swallow her disappointment.

  “Hey, Frank. You just can’t seem to keep out of trouble, can you?”

  Frank laughed and shook his hand. “I swear, Doc, I think some days Robbins has it out for me.”

  “Well, the good news is nothing’s broken or dislocated. The bad news is that your arm is going to be sore for a week or two. Here’s a prescription for some pain medication if you want it. Take it easy for a few days and follow up with your work’s clinic doctor. You should be okay for full duty in about a week.”

  “Thanks, Doc. I appreciate it.”

  “No problem. Try to stay out of trouble.”

  Frank finished dressing and looked for Alex when she stepped out of the cubicle but didn’t see her. She did see Nancy at the nurses’ station, though, and walked over to her.

  “Hey, is Alex around?”

  “Sorry, Frank, but she just went in with a trauma. Do you want me to leave her a message?”

  “Nah. Just tell her we’ll talk soon. Thanks for everything, Nancy.”

  “You’re welcome. Stay safe, Frank.”

  Frank waved as she walked out the door feeling lighter and more hopeful than she had in a long time. “Let’s get back to the station, Anderson. I have a ton of paperwork to fill out.”

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Bella kept whining as Frank continued to pace nervously around her house. She really wanted to go for a long run to burn off her excessive energy, but her shoulder pain wouldn’t allow it. Alex would be there anytime so they could talk. Frank had no idea if they were going to get back together or go their separate ways. She hoped it was the former. Her life hadn’t been the same since they broke up, and she knew it was because Alex completed her. Despite the breast cancer diagnosis, Frank would live through it again if it meant she could be with Alex. Her stomach was in a ball of knots and felt like it was on fire. When she heard the knock on her door, she swallowed back the bile she felt creeping up her throat.

  She opened the door to find Alex
shyly smiling at her. She wasn’t sure how to greet her. What she really wanted to do was throw her arms around Alex and never again let her go, but instead she just stepped aside to let Alex in. Bella ran to Alex and uncharacteristically jumped on her. Alex laughed and allowed Bella to lick her face.

  “There’s my sweet girl. Oh, I missed you so much.”

  “As you can tell, she’s missed you too. Bella, down.”

  Bella sat but continued to wag her tail, obviously thrilled to see Alex again.

  “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Just water will be fine.”

  “Go ahead and have a seat,” Frank said as she pointed to the living room. “I’ll be back in a moment.” Frank took the opportunity to take some deep breaths and try to slow her racing heart. She returned to the living room to find Bella up on the couch with her head in Alex’s lap and Alex stroking Bella’s soft black ear through her fingers. Both looked extremely content, and Frank took a mental snapshot to keep forever in her mind. She set Alex’s glass on the coffee table in front of her and took a seat in her recliner next to the couch.

  “You look great.”

  “How are you?”

  They both spoke at once then laughed. Frank hadn’t been this nervous in longer than she could remember, so she gave her standard answer whenever anyone asked how she was. “I’m doing okay. Keeping busy. How about you? How are you feeling?”

  Alex continued to stroke Bella’s ear and didn’t immediately look at Frank. “I’m feeling better now that most of my treatment is done. I just have to take my hormone therapy for the next five years, but at least the chemo and reconstruction are finished.”

  Frank nodded, not knowing exactly what to say. “Well, hopefully, the worst part is over.”

  Alex shook her head. “See, the thing is, I thought the cancer and treatment was the worst thing that could happen to me, but it turns out losing you was far worse than the disease.” When Alex looked at Frank with tears in her eyes, Frank thought her heart might break.