by E. L. Todd
“Well, maybe you should look into investing in rental property.”
“Like, buying an apartment complex?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s never too early to invest in something.”
I was still getting used to having money on a regular basis. “Maybe…”
He rested his hands behind his head and watched me. “It looks like you’ve accomplished everything you set out to do.”
It was still hard for me to understand. I wore a suit to work every day, and I was wealthy. I had responsibilities like a real adult, and Ryan trusted me to run a store on my own. I had my own place near Central Park, I quit smoking, I stayed away from drugs, and I was a normal member of society. “It’s hard to believe sometimes…”
“I think you’re ready for the last stage, Arsen.”
I looked at him, wondering what he meant. Was he referring to Silke? Could I have her now? Had I earned his permission to be with her? But then I realized what he meant. “My daughter?”
He nodded.
As bad as it made me sound, I was scared. “What if she hates me?”
“I’m not going to lie, Arsen. She might.”
“And her mom probably hates me.”
“I wouldn’t blame her,” he said bluntly.
I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck.
“You’re a fine young man. You’re responsible and you’re ready to take care of another person. She’s suffered without her father long enough.”
I wanted to know my daughter, but I also feared she would loathe me as long as she lived.
“But Arsen.” He gave me a serious look. “It’s an all or nothing commitment. Don’t become a part of her life then take off again. That would hurt a lot more. Make sure you’re ready.”
“I would never do that,” I said immediately.
“Good. I’d have to kick your ass otherwise.”
“I’d let you,” I said honestly.
“So, are you ready?”
I took a deep breath and rubbed my temple. “I’ll never be ready. But I have to try anyway.”
He gave me a look of approval. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
***
I’d been keeping tabs on Lydia for six years. I knew where she lived, and even though I never contacted her or reached out to her, I kept an eye on her from a distance. I didn’t care about Lydia in any other way except the fact she was my daughter’s mother. We slept together a few times, and somehow, I knocked her up. I wouldn’t even consider her a friend.
I arrived at her apartment then stood in front of it for a long time. I wore a suit and did my best to look presentable. I wanted her to know I was different than the man she used to know. Now I was really a man, someone who would take care of our daughter and never take off again. She probably wouldn’t trust me, but that was understandable. All I wanted was a relationship with my little girl.
I took a deep breath and knocked.
There was no looking back now.
Footsteps sounded behind the door then someone looked through the peephole. I knew she would recognize me the moment she looked at me. I hadn’t changed much in six years. My hair and face was the same. The only difference was my size. I was a lot more muscular than I used to be.
The door opened, and Lydia stared at me with wide eyes. Her brown hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, and her eyes were green like I remembered them. She hadn’t changed much since I’d last seen her. She was still extremely thin and had large eyes.
She kept staring at me, clearly speechless.
I stared back, letting her speak first so she felt like she had the power in the conversation.
“What the hell do you want?” Her voice contained her rage. If she had a bat, she’d probably beat me with it.
I knew this was going to be an uphill battle. “I want to be in our daughter’s life. I’m sorry I was gone for so long, but now I’m here and I want to make up for all the time I lost.”
She put her hand on her hip. “We did just fine without you, Arsen. And we’ll continue to do just fine.” She started to close the door.
I stuck my foot in the crack so she wouldn’t close it. “I understand you’re mad. I don’t blame you. You want nothing to do with me and I get that. I was a selfish jerk that abandoned you. How could you ever forgive me for doing that?”
She opened the door again and gave me a look of pure loathing.
“I’m not here because I want something from you. I’m not here because I’m bored and have nothing to do. I’m only here because I want to know my daughter and finally take responsibility for everything I did.”
“I’m not letting you near her,” she hissed. “Now get out of our lives for good.”
I held up my hand. “I assumed you would react this way. And that’s fine. I understand.”
“Then go away.”
“I want to give you something first.” I opened my wallet and pulled out the checks.
“Like I said,” she snapped. “We were doing just fine without you, Arsen. We don’t need your money.”
I handed her the first check. “This is all the child support I missed for the past six years—with interest.”
She stared at it but didn’t take it.
Then I pulled out the other paper. “I’ve put money in a trust fund for Abby. It’s a large sum and she can claim it when she turns eighteen. It should pay for all her education and get her a nice house.” I held it out to her.
She raised an eyebrow then took it. She examined it for a moment. “Where the hell did you get this much money?”
I shrugged. “It’s from selling weed. I don’t want to use the money since I earned it in such a horrible way. At least now everything I did during that time benefits Abby.”
She stared at it for a long time. “And no matter what, she gets this when she becomes an adult?”
I nodded. “I can never get it back. It’s legally hers. All she has to do is collect it when she turns eighteen and they’ll transfer it into her account.”
She seemed amazed by the fund.
I hoped this would soften her up a bit. “I’m serious about being a father to Abby. I’m not going to go anywhere, and I will do whatever you want to make this work.”
She looked up at me again, her thoughts hidden.
“Let me tell you a bit about me,” I said. “I’m the owner of an auto body shop. I also sell motorcycles. I have an apartment near Central Park. I don’t smoke or go anywhere near drugs. I have a high school diploma and I’m a certified mechanic. I’m…a lot different than I used to be.”
She shifted her weight then held both checks in her hands.
“I’ll continue to pay child support even if you don’t use it. You can put it in an account for Abby if you’d like.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “How did you get here?”
I knew what she meant. “A very generous man helped me get back on my feet. He changed my life and made me what I am today.”
“For no reason at all?” she asked incredulously.
I didn’t want to mention Silke. Lydia was technically my ex. “Yes.”
She was considering me, sizing me up.
“Maybe you and I can spend some time together first. When you know me a little better, we can discuss letting me see Abby. I don’t want to intrude on your life or make you uncomfortable. Whatever you want to do, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything to see her.”
“Mommy, who’s at the door?”
When I heard her voice, my heart skipped a beat.
“No one, honey. I’ll be right back.” Lydia stepped out and shut the door behind her.
I didn’t even get a glimpse.
“I take lunch at noon.”
Did that mean she was agreeing to this? “Would you like to join me at Figaro’s?”
“Sure. But just because we’re having lunch doesn’t mean you’ll get to see her.”
“I understand.” I was disappointed and I couldn’t hide that fact.
>
“I’ll see you then,” she said dismissively.
“Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.”
She walked back inside and shut the door.
I stood there for a moment, hoping to hear my daughter’s voice again.
“Who was that, Mommy?”
My heart clenched in pain. Her voice was music to my ears.
Lydia’s voice was hard. “No one.”
***
The best thing about being my own boss was the freedom to do whatever I wanted. I could take lunch when I felt like it, and I didn’t have to answer to anyone. Since I was on my way out, I took the money from yesterday’s revenue and dropped it off at the bank.
I was nervous to see Lydia. I couldn’t afford to mess this up or piss her off. She was my only hope to getting to Abby. I was at her mercy and I had to play by her rules. After hearing Abby’s voice, I was desperate to get to her. It was in inexplicable feeling. All I knew was I had to reach her and I would never stop until I apologized for not being there for her. I couldn’t believe I left her to begin with. Why was I such an asshole?
I got to the restaurant early and got a table near the window. The last thing I wanted was to be late and piss off Lydia. I was sitting alone when she stepped inside, wearing a pencil skirt and blouse. I stood up and waved at her.
She noticed me then joined me.
I pulled out her chair for her before I returned to my seat.
She looked at me like I just sprouted wings.
I ignored the look of surprise and adjusted my tie.
She felt the menu in her hands but didn’t look at it. “Hi…”
“Hi,” I said. “How are you?”
Lydia was clearly caught off guard by my proper manners and perfect posture. “Well. You?”
“Well,” I said.
She eyed my suit then looked at her menu.
“Thank you for having lunch with me.”
“You’re welcome, Arsen.”
I already knew what I was getting so I looked out the window.
When she decided, she put her menu down. “So?”
I turned to her, keeping my confidence. “Can I ask questions about Abby?” She was the only thing I wanted to talk about. I had no interest in Lydia.
“Sure.”
“Is she in school?”
“First grade,” she answered.
I nodded. “Where does she go to school?”
“I’m not telling you that,” she said immediately. “You’ll go by and snatch her.”
I was wounded by the accusation. “I would never take Abby without your permission. You’ve raised her. I would never disrespect you like that. I’ll see her when you’re ready for me to see her.” It sucked being at her mercy but I knew I had to be patient with her. I was the one who abandoned her, after all. I turned my back on her, and she was brave and had the baby on her own. I wasn’t even there when Abby was born. I was a worthless piece of shit excuse for a man. My father left me, and now I did the same thing to my own little girl. How fucked up was that?
She relaxed at my words. “She’s in private school.”
“Why private school?” I asked.
“Its academic program is much better than public education. The classroom size is much smaller, and the teachers are more qualified. Plus, they incorporate music and art into the curriculum.”
“Wow, that’s awesome.” I was glad Abby was getting the best education possible. “But that doesn’t sound cheap.”
“It’s not,” she said simply.
I eyed her professional attire. “What do you do, Lydia?”
“I work at a bank,” she said. “I’m the assistant manager and loan allocator.”
So, she didn’t make much money. I didn’t judge her for it. In fact, I respected her more for it. She had to budget well in order to pay for Abby’s education. “That’s nice.”
“It has good hours. It allows me to spend more time with Abby.”
I nodded. “I can pay for her education. I don’t mind.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “I got it, Arsen.”
I knew I shouldn’t overstep my boundary. I’ve never had money before so I didn’t know how to go about it. “The offer is always on the table. I would at least like to pay for half.”
“I’ll consider it.” She looked out the window and avoided eye contact with me.
The waiter took our order then disappeared again. Without our menus, we had nothing else to look at but each other.
“Can you tell me about Abby?”
“What do you want to know?”
“What’s she like?” I asked.
“That’s right, “she said coldly. “You wouldn’t know.”
I deserved that.
“She’s very bright and warm. She loves Power Rangers and My Little Pony. Her favorite animal is the panda. She’ll only eat her vegetables if you eat them at the same time. She has dark brown hair just like you, and she has your eyes. Every time I look at her, it’s hard not to think about you.”
“She sounds wonderful…”
“She is. She’s everything to me.” She gave me a hateful look. “If you ever hurt her, I’ll kill you. I’m not kidding.”
“I’d kill myself,” I said honestly.
“Being a single mom hasn’t been easy, but my mom helped me out a lot.”
“Have you had any serious relationships along the way?” I was just curious as to what kind of men my daughter had been around.
She considered the question for a moment. “None. Abby takes up all my time. I don’t need anything else but her.”
I was grateful Abby wasn’t used to men coming and going. When she met me, I would be the man who stayed constant in her life. I would love her and make up for all the years I missed. “I hope I get the opportunity to know her in the same way.”
“We’ll see,” she said vaguely.
The food arrived and we ate quietly.
“What did you do before this transformation?” she asked.
“I sold weed for years and then I went to prison because I was busted for it.”
She stopped eating. “You went to prison?”
“I served eight months before they let me out.”
Lydia took a deep breath and seemed stunned.
I wasn’t proud of this but I didn’t want to hide the truth. If Lydia found out some other way, she would never trust me, and she might take Abby away from me. It was better to be honest about it in the beginning. “I’m not the same man I used to be. I’m responsible and reliable.”
“If I agree to let you see Abby, I want you to take a drug test every month.”
“Well, weed is untraceable after three days,” I said honestly. “I would have to do it more often than that, not that I do weed at all.”
“Random drug testing throughout the month. When I tell you to go, you go. You’ll never know when I’m going to ask.”
“Whatever you want, Lydia.”
She nodded then continued to eat. “I can’t believe you were in prison.”
“It changed my life for the better. I don’t regret it.”
“You worked out a lot in there?” she asked, noticing the difference in my body.
“I didn’t have anything else to do…”
“Do you still smoke?”
“No, I quit a long time ago.”
She searched my face for a lie.
“I can show you my shop and apartment. And I can introduce you to the man who helped me get back on my feet. He’ll tell you everything you want to know. And he won’t lie about it.”
“I might do that…” She picked at her food but didn’t eat much of it. “Are you seeing anyone?”
“No.” I hoped Silke would be mine soon. I just had to get Abby in my life then I would ask Ryan for his permission.
“Have any other illegitimate children?”
“No.”
She ate quietly then looked out the window.
“Does Abby ever ask
about me…?”
“She used to,” she said quietly. “She kept asking why she didn’t have a daddy like everyone else.”
My heart fell into my stomach and I felt sick. I stopped eating because I felt so shitty. It was a nightmare. I remembered thinking the same thing when I was in school. Everyone else would bring their parents to career day and I never had anyone to bring. Kids would ask where my dad was, and I never had an answer. I couldn’t believe I did that to my own daughter. “I’m so sorry…” I rested my elbows on the table and covered my face, forgetting my posture and manners. I’d never felt this shitty in my life.
Lydia grabbed one hand and pulled it down. Then she patted it gently. “I know, Arsen.”
***
I showed her my apartment to prove it really existed, and it was in a nice area. It had a view of the park, and there wasn’t anything inside that shouldn’t be there, like cigarettes or drugs.
Without caring about being rude, she searched through every drawer in my house. I sat on the couch and watched TV while she went through everything I had. I didn’t even have lotion or porn in the house. I’d been too depressed to masturbate. The rare times I did, I thought about Silke. But that usually made me feel worse.
Lydia went through my bedroom and even checked behind the toilets. Her search was relentless. I didn’t care in the least. If she realized my place was clean, she might be more inclined to trust me.
After she checked every crack and corner, she returned to me. “I couldn’t find anything.”
“There’s nothing in here.”
“And it better stay that way.”
“You’re welcome to search my apartment at random times, even if I’m a work, if that helps. Whatever you want, Lydia.” I knew it was better to cooperate and make it clear I didn’t have anything to hide. I had a lot to make up for.
“I want to see your shop now.”
“Okay.” We left my apartment then headed to the shop. We walked inside and she immediately looked around. She eyed the motorcycles near the window.
“Do you still have your bike?” she asked.
“No. I’ll never buy one again.”
She seemed satisfied with that answer because she kept looking around. She peered out the window and looked at the mechanics working in the garage. Then she returned to me. “I want to see your office.”