Selfless (A Carolina Coastal Novel Book 1)

by Kelsey Cheyenne

  My logic makes absolutely no sense and I can tell he’s not going to buy it. Maybe since Carson is kind of a contracted employee now too the rules don’t apply to us anymore?

  Time ticks by and Mr. Humphrey’s face tells me everything I need to know—I’m a shit liar and he didn’t buy any of that.

  “Your girlfriend is very talented.” I’m being backed into a corner. Though I want to save face with my boss, I won’t hide Carson either. Not when being asked directly, anyway.

  “Yes, she is.” I won’t deny it anymore and make it seem like I’m embarrassed of her. I won’t do that to the woman I love.

  “I see.” He huffs out a breath and runs a hand over his jaw, like whatever he’s about to say pains him.

  I sit up straight and decide to take the bull by the horns. If I’m going down, I might as well be honest about it. “Look, sir, I never meant for this to happen. I know the rules and I also know I broke them. Carson has been staying with me because she has nowhere else to go since the hurricane delayed construction. It’s no excuse and I’m not using it as one because, well, she is my girlfriend and I’m in love with her. If you’re going to fire me for that, please just get on with it.”

  Regret at my words drips down my throat and into my gut like molasses on a cold day. I should not have just told him to fire me, but I can’t take the words back now.

  “Who else knows about your relationship with her?”

  “Just Ethan and, well, Mr. Jackman.” I rub my hands down my slacks and back, the friction warms my palms, calming me.

  “Keith and I spoke already. We don’t want anyone to know you’re getting special treatment and since no one else knows about your involvement with your client, we don’t see a reason to terminate you.” Hope floods my chest and a grateful smile forms on my face.

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “Not so fast. You’re a hard worker and this is your first offense, but you’re still on probation. You’re allowed to finish the Fletcher Project, but I’m taking you off the rest of your assignments. Once Carson’s home is finished you’ll be transferred to reception. Shelly is about to head out on maternity leave meaning you’ll be her replacement until she comes back.”

  I’m not thrilled by the idea, but at least I still have a job. “Thank you, Mr. Humphrey.” He stands and shakes my hand. As I’m leaving the office he offers parting words.

  “Don’t fuck up again, Wren.” I nod and book it to my desk. To no one’s surprise, Ethan is still there waiting for me.

  “It was nice knowing ya, man.” He willingly gets out of my seat and as he stands he claps me on the back.

  “I didn’t get fired.”

  “No shit. You’re a lucky son of a bitch. We need to celebrate.”

  For once, I agree with him.

  I call to check in with Carson and explain what happened. I’m a little mad she didn’t tell me the clients were my bosses since that’s something she should have told me, but I’ll get over it. I invite her out to join us and to my surprise, she agrees.

  We show up at the local pub and ten minutes after we grab a table, Carson comes walking in with Meg in tow.

  I stand and walk over to my girlfriend and kiss her while my asshole friend catcalls behind me. I flip him the bird and smile down at my girl, hoping I didn’t push too hard or scare her off. She’s kind of like a rescue dog, skittish and healing from her past, and I’m worried I’ll do something to scare her away for good.

  “That was quite the greeting.” Her face flushes and suddenly I’m wishing we were home so we could celebrate in bed instead of at this Podunk bar.

  “We have a lot to celebrate.” Carson told me on the phone that her meeting went flawlessly, as I knew it would, and since I’m not getting fired I think it’s cause for celebration all around.

  I grab the first round and we hang out in the back corner of the bar. Meg and Ethan seem to get along well which could be good or catastrophic.

  As the night drones on, the drinks keep on coming. I’m pretty drunk by the time we call an Uber to head home. It’s not lost on me that Meg and Ethan share a car and are likely heading to one destination.

  Both Carson and I stumble through the door of the house. I’m glad her in-laws took Ava for the night. Though if I’m not their biggest fan, I can still respect them.

  I grip my girl’s hips as we make our way to the bedroom. She’s giggling, trying to push my hands away but I smack her ass and kiss her neck. She wears a flirtatious grin as she falls back on the mattress.

  “I haven’t been drunk since…” She stops, trying to think and coming up short. The realization causes her to laugh. She’s acting a little crazy, but I don’t mind. A little crazy can be a lot hot.

  “Come here.” I tug her up to me, kissing her roughly. I love you. I don’t think I say the words out loud, but her gasp makes me second guess myself.

  I look down at her blue eyes which are full of emotion. Her lips part and adrenaline courses through my veins in the form of both nerves and anger. Why can’t she just let me in?

  I don’t push; instead, I kiss her once more. We sit on the bed and quickly I push her back, laying my full weight on top of her petite frame. She’s distracted, not into it, and it’s frustrating the hell out of me.

  I lose my shirt, tossing it on the floor and my pants follow right after. My erection is straining in my briefs, desperate for her touch. I pull back and look her in the eye. She’s scared, probably from my drunken brain uttering those three little words I can never take back.

  I kiss down her body, pushing up her shirt and pulling it over her head. I unbutton her pants and reach under the cotton of her panties. I find her drenched, but she doesn’t part her legs for me.

  “Baby, I need you.” I tug on her pants, but she stops me.

  “I can’t.”

  “It feels like you can.” I offer a lopsided grin, but she doesn’t smile back. “What’s wrong?” My fingers are still touching her clit, but she’s not reacting.

  “I said, I can’t.” I pull my hands up in surrender and she hops off the bed, almost falling in her drunken state. She snatches her shirt off the ground and opens the door.

  “Carson, where are you going?” She darts to the spare room and slams the door. I try the knob and find it locked. “Baby, let me in.” I don’t just mean in the room.

  “I’m sorry, Wren, but I can’t.” I know she’s not just talking about the room now, either.

  Thirty-Five

  Carson

  I avoid Wren like the plague the following day. I refuse to go back to my parents’ house again which makes my situation a little more complicated. I try to dodge him in the morning and hide myself away at night, but it’s hard with Ava around.

  He’s been trying to talk to me at every chance, going as far as to use my daughter to pass along messages. I can’t say I blame him, and a part of me wants to reconcile with him too, but…I can’t.

  It’s been two days since he dropped the L bomb and promptly scared the hell out of me. Tomorrow is Christmas and we had plans to go to my parents’ house together, but now I’m not so sure. Then again, my mom would kill me if I backed out on her.

  Speak of the devil. “Hey, Mom?” I answer my phone on the second ring and I hear the oven ding at the same time on the other end.

  “Oh, hold on sweetie.” I wait a few seconds for her to return, growing agitated the longer I wait.

  “Mom?”

  “I’m here. I’m here. Sorry about that. I was calling to check in. You and Wren are still coming to dinner tomorrow, right?” How does this woman hack into my thoughts from miles away?

  “Yeah. We’ll be there.”

  “Good because I’m making enough to feed a small army. Plus, I’m making my pumpkin pie and I know you can’t resist that.”

  “I can’t wait.” My tone doesn’t match my words and Mom calls me out on it.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing I can’t handle.” We chat for
a few more minutes and make our plans for tomorrow.

  I put the phone down on the kitchen island and head toward the office knowing Wren is in there. If we’re going to dinner together tomorrow, we need to sort out our issues tonight.

  I knock on the door before sliding it open. His head snaps up and shock registers on his face. I know he wasn’t expecting to see me anytime soon and if we weren’t doing Christmas dinner tomorrow, I probably wouldn’t be here.

  “Hey, can we talk?” I feel like a cliché as I walk toward my boyfriend.

  “Of course.” He puts his pencil down and I lean against the doorjamb, not sure where to go. It’s awkward and this level of uncertainty is frustrating. Aren’t relationships supposed to be easier than this? I know he wants to be with me, which makes me the problem. I can’t be crucified for needing to go slow, can I?

  “I was just talking to my mom. She wanted to make sure we were still coming to dinner together tomorrow.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “That we are. Which is why I’m here…wanting to talk and fix things.” I tug on the ends of my hair, not sure where to begin.

  He’s waiting for me to start talking. I can tell he’s mad at me, or likely hurt. Part of me assumed he’d apologize, but I guess I was wrong.

  “I’m sorry for how I acted the other night. I was drunk and I got scared by how fast things are moving.” I shrug and Wren is incredulous.

  “You think we’re moving too fast? I’m sorry, Carson, okay? I don’t want to come off as a dick, but we’ve been together for months. I’ve been taking things at your pace because I understand your boundaries and your past and the last thing I want to do is push you. I didn’t think that telling you I love you would be such a hard limit for you. Hell, I didn’t mean to say it; it just slipped out, but I’m not sorry I said it and I won’t take it back. I do love you, Carson, but if you’re not ready for a relationship then we need to end things. I want this, I want to be with you, and I’m ready to settle down and be a family. I hope to hell it’s with you and Ava, but that’s a decision you’ll have to make.”

  I open my mouth to respond, but I don’t know what to say.

  “Tell your parents I’m sorry; I won’t be able to make dinner tomorrow. I’m going to stay at my sister’s through the holidays. Oh, and I was going to surprise you. The crew is done with construction ahead of schedule. You’ll be able to move in next week. I’ll be at my sister’s until then.”

  He gets up and pushes past me, heading down the hallway to his bedroom. I’m sure he’s packing a bag and getting ready to leave and my heart aches knowing he’s leaving his own house because of me.

  The tears start to fall down my cheeks and I want so badly to tell him I love him, but I can’t. I don’t know why I’m holding back anymore. I’m scared of getting hurt again, but I’m more scared of not being with him. It’s just too hard to tell him that.

  It’s like I unintentionally shut down and become a mute the minute feelings get involved. Wren and I haven’t had a traditional relationship, to say the least, and I can understand why he’s frustrated.

  Do I love him? I think I do. But…if I’m questioning it, does that mean it’s not true? Shouldn’t I just know that I love him?

  I know I love being with him and every moment we’re together is better than the ones where we’re not. I love how he is with Ava and how much she loves him. I love his crooked smile and his hearty laugh. I love how he loves me, unapologetically. Holy shit. I do love him.

  “Wren, wait.” He’s lugging his suitcase toward the door and panic sets in my bones. I have to tell him. He spins and exasperation is plastered on his face. “I have something I need to tell you.” Yes, I’m stalling, but I’m new at this. I inhale a shaky breath and exhale slowly. “I do l—”

  “Don’t, Carson. I don’t want you to say something you’re not ready to say just to salvage what we have.” He leaves without another glance and I’m left crumbling in the doorway.

  “Where’s he going, Momma?” My daughter tugs at my shirt and I scoop her up, wanting to hold her as long as I still can.

  “He’s going to see his sister and nieces. He’ll be back.” I distract her by promising to order pizza for dinner and let her watch movies she’s too young to watch.

  The house is quiet without him here. Guilt eats away at me, knowing I’m the reason he vacated his own home. Not to mention I have to face my family tomorrow and my sister will probably give me shit for scaring him away.

  I can’t be in this house right now and even though it’s the end of December, I need an escape. I put some extra warm clothes on my daughter and we hop in the car, heading to the one place that can always calm me.

  “Momma, why are we at the beach?”

  “I needed to think and the waves calm me.” My daughter builds sandcastles while in her winter coat and I take the time to think about what I want.

  I’m lucky to live at the beach and yet I don’t appreciate it enough. Wren, Ava, and I should’ve taken more trips here. Together, as a family. That’s what I want. I want to be a traditional family and I want Ava to be happy.

  I want to be happy.

  The waves crash in the distance and the smell of salty sea air mellows my shaky nerves. If only I could’ve come to this revelation sooner.

  If only it weren’t too late.

  If only I didn’t have to move on alone instead of the three of us together.

  The New Year is coming and it can’t come fast enough. I have some big resolutions to make. Cliché or not, I’m going to say with the New Year, I’ll become a new me.

  Thirty-Six

  Wren

  Paige and Charlie tackle me to the ground the second I cross the threshold of Sadie’s house with my overnight bag in hand. The twins’ enthusiasm I can handle, but I can’t deal with my sister’s look of pity pulling at the corners of her mouth.

  Little sis has been euphoric over my budding relationship with Carson, ever since I told her we moved into “more than friends” territory. But now that things are plateaued or well, stalled, she’s bound to have questions. I wouldn’t up and leave my own house for nothing.

  She pulls me in for a hug and I’m glad her husband is working so I don’t have to deal with him too. I put my things down in the guest room and spend some time with my nieces until bed. I keep them up past their bedtime, dreading putting them down and having to talk with my sister.

  Lo and behold, the minute the munchkins are tucked in, Sadie corners me. “I’m really tired,” I lie to her to dodge her questioning. It’s barely after nine and I’m usually up working until midnight. Except for lately, I’ve been spending my nights with Carson in bed instead.

  “Nice try, bro. Get your ass out here.” She uses her “mom” tone on me and somehow it works.

  “Tell me this trial separation has nothing to do with her.” I’m barely seated before Sadie comes at me.

  “With Carson? What, so you think it’s entirely my fault that we broke up?” Neither of us is faultless here. I may have put the final nail in the coffin but Carson dug the grave long before we reached this point.

  “No not Carson, doofus. With Amber.” The usual wave of discomfort that accompanies hearing her name doesn’t come, which both surprises and pleases me.

  Still, I freeze and tense up. “Why do you think this has anything to do with Amber?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, let’s see. She was your college sweetheart who broke your heart and you haven’t dated anyone since. Until now. At the first sign of trouble, you just bolt? What are you so afraid of? Carson seems sweet. She’s not going to hurt you like Amber did.”

  “You don’t know anything about it and you don’t know Carson. Meeting her once doesn’t make you best friends.” I run a hand through my hair in irritation and my sister doesn’t miss the action. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back into the couch.

  “Don’t be so defensive, big bro. You seemed really happy with Carson and next thin
g I know you’re moving into my guest room.”

  I reflect back on my relationship with Amber. I thought I was going to marry her until she cheated on me with my college roommate. She managed to talk me down and I took her back, believing her myriad of lies she weaved. Then I found out she was still sleeping with her ex for the entire duration of our relationship.

  Still, she tried to lie her way out of it despite being covered in hickeys I hadn’t given her and ending up pregnant. Her ex, my roommate, and I all had to take paternity tests and thank God it was her ex’s.

  “I was happy with her, but she’s not ready to commit.” It kills me that my relationship with Carson is over, but there’s nothing else I can do. I gave it my all.

  “She’s already committed, Wren. She has a daughter she’s one hundred percent devoted to and will be for the rest of her life.”

  “She’s also still committed to her ex.”

  “The guy who died?”

  “The very one.” I don’t mean for my voice to sound so bitter.

  “So, that’s what this is about.” I squint at her and she rolls her eyes. “You feel like you’re competing with the baby daddy.”

  “Not exactly.” She gives me an expectant look. “Yes, there’s a part of her that will always love her ex and question what would’ve happened between them if he were still here. She’s been open about that to me, which is ironic. It’s every other part of her that’s closed off. She’s fine with her feelings for him, but won’t open herself up to me.” I sigh and rub my chin. “I told her I loved her. It just slipped out and she shut down faster than I could explain that I wasn’t expecting anything from her. I’ve been patient and I don’t mind moving at her pace but—”

  “But it kind of sounds like you do mind.”

  “After a while, it starts to eat at you. Maybe we’re just not a good fit.” My voice doesn’t sound believable to my own ears.