Ready for Love

by Catherine Maiorisi

  Ed tapped his fingers on his glass as he considered the question. “Not at all. Neither my father nor any of his family has ever been in my life, so I’m not in conflict about maybe hurting their feelings or having to be both. You, I gather, have both parents still in your life?”

  Renee nodded. “I do. And four much older siblings with a range of skin colors, none with blue eyes or skin as white as mine, though some of my many nieces and nephews look like me. I remember talking about race and about skin color with my parents, but it wasn’t a big issue for me, or them. Unlike you, except for my immediate family and some family friends, I grew up in a mainly white society. I was only eighteen when I moved to America so maybe race got lost for me in the swirl of moving to a new country, finding my inner male, acting on my lesbianism, and switching to English as my predominant language. It may be time for a family discussion when I go back to France for the holidays.”

  “Do you feel disloyal to your mother for living as white?” Joel asked.

  Renee frowned. “There was a brief period when I was ashamed to be seen with my mom. Maybe that’s why I feel I have to be black and white at the same time because being white means choosing my dad over her. I believe announcing I’m biracial almost as soon as I meet someone is an unconscious attempt to prevent being accused of trying to pass, of hiding or lying about my black blood.”

  Elle leaned forward. “Speaking of lying. What do you all think about that woman, Rachel something, who was living as a black woman until she was exposed as being white?”

  Renee had read the articles about the “scandal” but she didn’t feel strongly one way or the other, maybe because she herself wasn’t black enough. “It’s complex. She looks more black than either me or Ed, yet I’ve read she has no black blood. I’ve heard the cultural appropriation argument but in a way, I understand. If she truly feels black, as she says she does, who am I to tell her otherwise? It’s not like black people get a free ride in our society. There’s no black privilege. So I’m not sure what she gains except feeling like she’s living her life. The race issue is complex and confusing. Trying to figure it out for myself gives me a headache. And trying to figure it out for anyone else is way beyond me. Any thoughts, Ed?”

  Ed tugged on a lock of hair falling in his face, seeming to formulate an answer. “We can get into the psychology, or is it sociology, and have a discussion of race as a social construct, but I think it suffices to say, as you did, that this is not a simple issue and there are no simple societal solutions right now. Only personal solutions. You and I, Renee, facing similar decisions about how we choose to live as mixed-race people, have made different choices based on our personal history. In my opinion, the important thing is that we make the right decisions for ourselves, decisions that enable us to live happy, fulfilled lives, while fighting for racial equality and justice.”

  Tori waved her hand. “Hey, can I say one thing?”

  “Be my guest.” Renee laughed. “Oh, wait, you are my guest. You sort of started me on this journey, Tori, so please say whatever you want.”

  “I don’t think of Elle as a black woman or my black wife. She’s just Elle. And, in all the years I’ve known you, Renee, I’ve heard people refer to you as the beautiful, sexy butch or the brilliant butch or the butch with the great singing voice or the one who dresses like a man. I’ve never heard anyone say Renee the biracial butch.”

  Beth piped up. “I second all of that. I too have heard you called a lot of things in the years since Gina introduced us, some not so flattering by women you’ve dumped, but I don’t ever remember biracial being applied to you. You may announce it to everyone you meet, but people don’t see you through that filter.”

  Constance spoke into the silence that followed Beth’s statement. “I said the exact same thing to Renee. Though I might describe her in many different ways, biracial is not something that has ever come to mind.” She smiled and squeezed Renee’s hand.

  Renee looked around the group, making a point again to meet everyone’s eyes.

  “Thank you all. I asked and you responded. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Now, how about more wine?” She grabbed the bottle and filled the glasses thrust at her. “So what will you tell Moira and Megan, Joel?”

  He took a sip of the wine she’d just poured for him. “I can see it’s not a one-time discussion. We need to have an ongoing dialogue about the issue, about their feelings, and maybe we need to find them a therapist to help them work through their feelings. I’ll share some of what we discussed here about the different choices you and Ed have made and why. Is that okay, Renee?”

  “That sounds good.”

  “I can talk with them some while I’m here,” Ed said. “It may help them to speak to both of us separately, but whatever you do, I suggest you don’t make a big deal of it.”

  “I agree with Ed, Joel. I think you can talk to them, then maybe he can share his thoughts. And when they’re ready, I’ll spend some time with them.” Renee sat again. “Ed, would it be all right if I call you to talk sometime?”

  He removed a card from his wallet, jotted a number on the back and handed it to her. “That’s my personal cell on the back. Please call anytime and I hope I may do the same.”

  She tucked the card into her jacket pocket. “I’d love to hear from you. I’ll give you my card before you leave.” She felt so close to these people. She was so lucky. Why did she even doubt herself? She’d have to discuss that and the rest of this with Olivia. “I knew talking to you all would help. Well, actually, Olivia, my therapist, knew it and I just obeyed her orders.”

  Everyone laughed.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Renee arrived at Constance’s door at five thirty though she’d been invited for dinner at seven. She’d been feeling light-headed all afternoon and thought a nap before dinner would steady her. She hoped Constance wouldn’t mind.

  Constance opened the door and raised her eyebrows. “You usually dash in at the last moment. Are you really hungry? Or desperate to see me?”

  “Always desperate to see you.” Renee swayed in the doorway. “But the truth is I’m feeling a little off so I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I arrived early and took a nap.”

  “Of course I don’t mind.” Constance narrowed her eyes. “You look awful. Come let’s get you to bed.” Renee headed for the guest bedroom. “No, my sketchbooks are strewn all over the bed in there, you can use my bedroom.” She sat Renee on the bed, helped her remove her coat, jacket, and tie, unbuttoned the top few buttons of her shirt, pulled off her shoes, and eased her onto the bed. “Would you like some tea, or water or some toast to settle your stomach?”

  Renee looked up at Constance, who seemed to be swaying. Her stomach flipped and she quickly closed her eyes. “No, no. I just need rest. Wake me for dinner.” She rolled over and was filled with the scent of Constance as her face met the pillow. She smiled. No matter the reason, it was nice to be in Constance’s bed.

  She woke to moans and someone pulling her pants down. “It’s okay, my girl, I’m not trying to take advantage of you so don’t fight me.” It was Constance. “You have a high fever and I need all your clothes off so I can get you under the covers.” Renee tried to open her eyes and make a joke, but she couldn’t pull herself back from the darkness of sleep.

  It was so hot. Her body was slick with sweat. And she hurt all over. Was she the one moaning? She coughed and couldn’t stop. Someone lifted her into a half-sitting position and she caught her breath. Damn, breathing hurt. Actually, everything hurt. Voices. Constance and…Laurie. What was her doctor doing here? Had they had a threesome? She giggled at the thought. The cool thing on her forehead felt wonderful. Strong arms held her. Cool hands gently touched her back, her breasts. Not her breasts her chest. “Open your mouth, love, you need to drink to get better.” Why was Constance in her bedroom? She drank the water and swallowed the pills, then gratefully drank more. Moans again. No, not sex, someone in pain.

  “She’s
fine naked, but keep her covered with a sheet and or a light blanket. Her fever is one hundred and three point four and rising. Keep sponging her with warm water, make sure she drinks lots of water, and give her extra strength Tylenol every six hours. If her temperature continues to go up, call me immediately and I’ll admit her to the hospital.”

  Naked? She tried to say no hospital but she couldn’t get the words out. Constance and Laurie discussing her, touching her? She didn’t feel turned on so why was her body on fire? Had she swallowed sand? Why was her tongue suddenly too big for her mouth? And how did she get naked? Cool hands on her shoulders and lips on her forehead. Maman? “I’ve got you, Renee, just relax and sleep.” Constance.

  Damn, they keep telling her to sleep, then they wake her up to force pills into her mouth and drink. Why don’t they leave her alone? Who was touching her all over? Ah, it was Constance’s gentle voice and her gentle hands soothing and cooling her burning skin. She wanted to touch Constance but she couldn’t lift her arm. Her body ached. The voice faded away as she slipped back into the darkness.

  Renee opened her eyes. She was lying on her back in a strange room. Where the hell was she? She turned her head. And gazed into the emerald eyes of the woman lying next to her. Constance. She blinked. Was she hallucinating? She tried to sit up but didn’t have the strength. She was naked under a sheet. And she smelled of sweat. Really smelled, like she’d been jogging for days. Or had had days of sex without a shower. Shit. What had she done?

  Constance put a hand on her cheek. “Hey, you’re awake. Welcome back.”

  Back? What did she mean? Had they had sex and she had no memory of it? Her breath caught. She was having trouble taking in air. She opened her mouth but it was so dry she was unable to get a word out. Constance jumped out of bed, helped her to sit up and held a glass of water to her lips. “It’s okay. You’ve been sick.”

  The water wasn’t cold but it felt wonderful going down. She emptied the glass. Suddenly aware the sheet was pooled around her waist, she jerked it up.

  Constance laughed. “I wouldn’t worry about that, Renee. Not only have I seen it all before but I sponged your lovely naked body for a day and half to bring your fever down.”

  Renee flushed. “Fever? How did I get in your bed?”

  Constance sat next to her on the bed and put an arm over her shoulder. “Do you remember the girls and I had invited you to dinner?”

  “No.” Renee rubbed her forehead and tried to recall the dinner. “Yes. I was feeling light-headed so I came early to take a nap.”

  “That’s right. Well, when I came in to wake you, you were tossing and turning, burning with fever and hallucinating. Your fever was much too high so I called Tori and asked for the name of your doctor. She sent Laurie Feldman. I hope it was all right that I called her. I gather she’s an ex.”

  “She is but she’s also a friend and my doctor. I thought I dreamed she was here.”

  “She was real. Apparently you had a very bad case of the flu, high fever, achy muscles, vomiting. She was worried about pneumonia but your fever came down and your breathing cleared so she never tested you for it.”

  Renee placed her head in her hands and groaned. “Shit Constance, I’m so sorry. Did I vomit all over?”

  Constance patted her shoulder. “You were very neat, darling. The first time you were able to stumble to the bathroom and we spent quite a bit of time there, you hugging the toilet, me hugging you while you shivered. The other times you were too weak to walk but I was able to get the wastebasket under you in time.”

  Just picturing the vomit was enough to make her want to throw up. “Oh, damn. I’m so sorry to put you through that.”

  Constance waved the apology away. “Don’t forget. I’m a mother. I’ve been through worse than that.”

  Oh, no. Had she infected Chloe and Cara? The stab of panic she felt at the thought of the girls being so sick surprised Renee. “Did I make the girls sick? And what about you?”

  “We’re all fine. As soon as I realized you were burning with fever, I shipped Chloe and Cara off to their friend’s house. And for some reason, I’m fine.”

  “I don’t know how to thank you. But if you help me find my clothes I’ll get dressed and get out of your hair.” Renee tried to swing her feet off the bed, but she didn’t have the strength. She flopped back.

  Constance stood over her, glaring. “You will do no such thing. Laurie said you need at least a week of bed rest, maybe two. And I’m not letting you out of my sight until she says you’re okay.”

  Constance’s fierce protectiveness warmed Renee. It had been a very long time since anyone cared enough to take care of her. Was the last time really when Darcy nursed her after a particularly bad stomach virus their sophomore year in college? “How long have I been here?”

  “You came Friday evening and today is Thursday. Tori let your assistant Jenna know you were deathly ill and she took care of getting your work covered by your partners and letting your therapist know. Tori and Jenna called every day to see how you were. I don’t know whether Tori or Laurie called Francine but she offered to come over and help bathe you to bring down your fever and made me promise to call if I needed her. A number of other women called as well. I have a list when you’re ready to see it. Tori sent food for me, and last night she and Elle dropped by with a pot of terrific-smelling chicken soup. Since you’re staying, would you like some soup?”

  Renee started to object but realized she was so weak she really didn’t have a choice. Besides, it would be nice to spend time with Constance. Some time when she was awake. “Now that you mention it, I’m starving.” She took Constance’s hand. “Are you sure? It’s a lot to ask since you’ve already been waiting on me for a week. I can get someone to help me back to my apartment.”

  “I’m sure.” Constance tapped Renee’s nose. “Now let me get you that soup.”

  After a few tablespoons of soup, she was exhausted. Constance insisted she sleep. That was how the day went—eat a little soup, then sleep. She was able to stay awake and even talk a little while Constance had dinner but soon after she slept again.

  The next day Renee was sitting up in bed trying to read something Jenna had sent for her to review. She was feeling stronger but she couldn’t really concentrate. She’d have to tell Jenna to have someone else look at it. Constance was sitting in bed next to her sketching. Renee sighed.

  “You’re still weak. One of your sexy romances would be a better choice of reading matter right now.” Constance put her pad down. “The girls will be moving back home after school today. Would you like to take a shower and put on pajamas before they get here?”

  Renee raised her eyebrows. “Are you insinuating that I smell or that I shouldn’t greet them in my birthday suit?”

  “I never insinuate. I’m stating both. Loudly and clearly. If you want them to come into this room, I insist on a shower and clothes. Laurie says if we’re careful and I go in with you, you can get out of bed and into the shower.”

  Renee attempted to look lascivious but the last thing on her mind was sex. “Now that’s a picture I can’t get out of my mind and an offer I can’t refuse. But what will I wear? Your pj’s will be too small.”

  “Don’t worry that pretty head of yours. I arranged for Maya to drop off a couple pairs of your pj’s.”

  Damn. “Maya was here?” Her voice went up an octave. Had Maya made a move on Constance while she was out of it?

  “Sort of. She called to see how you were and asked if I needed anything. When I mentioned the pj’s, she volunteered to retrieve them from your apartment and drop them off with my doorman on her way to some event.” Suddenly Constance looked uncomfortable. “Uh, I was wondering. Are you? I mean she has the key to your apartment—”

  “We’re friends. I have her key too.” She loved it when Constance was jealous but she hated seeing her uncomfortable so she tried to introduce a little humor. “Can I trust you won’t molest me if we shower together?”

 
Constance frowned. “Are you ready?” She sounded annoyed.

  What an ass. Constance was being so caring and putting herself out to make her comfortable and she was being childish. “I’m sorry. I’m stalling. Even though you’ve seen me naked before I’m uncomfortable with the idea since we’re…” She averted her eyes.

  “I understand, Renee. But remember you’ve been naked in my bed for almost a week and for some of that time I was bathing your naked body every hour to bring your temperature down.”

  “The fact that you’ve already seen it doesn’t make me feel any better.”

  Constance sat next to her and took her hand. “You really do need a shower and it’s not going to happen without assistance. Do you want me to call someone to help? Maybe Francine would come?”

  Renee knew she was being ridiculous. Instead of appreciating everything Constance was doing for her, she was giving the poor woman a hard time. She would just think of Constance as her nurse not…Not what? Not ready to go there Renee sighed. “No. One of my friends is already here offering to help and I’m being a jerk. I’m ready if you are.”

  Constance eyed her for a second before smiling. “Good girl. Give me a minute to get the bathroom ready.” Renee tried not to stare when Constance returned to the bedroom wearing only a tan lace bra and matching bikini panties, or knickers, as she would have said. But she couldn’t seem to control her eyes.

  Age and motherhood had padded her breasts and hips but with the added pounds she was more curvaceous, even more lovely than Renee remembered.

  Constance stood with her hands on her hips. “Come on, bub. Are you going to stare all day or are we going into the shower?”

  “Well, you put a luscious fruit in front of a starving woman, what do you expect?” Renee raised her eyes to Constance’s face and was happy to see her lips twitch as she tried to hold back a smile.