Ready for Love

by Catherine Maiorisi

  “So it is, baby girl.” She patted Renee’s knee. “But we both know you’re dying to let me in on your secret.”

  And she was right, of course. Ever since Renee had started talking, she had shared her fears, her hopes, her failures, her triumphs, everything, with Maman. Well everything except the time she hated her for being black. “Since I saw you at Darcy’s wedding, my life has changed in several very important ways. One, I’m in therapy. Two, I’m in love.”

  Maman looked confused. “Darcy?”

  “No. She’s still my best friend, but it’s not her.” Seeing her mother’s arched eyebrows, Renee went on. “Right after the wedding, I started therapy to work out why I was still clinging to Darcy and I discovered a number of things about myself. First, that I wasn’t actually still in love with Darcy but I was using her to keep me from committing to anyone. Second, that I felt like an outsider in our family.” She held up a hand. “Please Maman, it wasn’t you or anyone else in the family. The last few days confirmed for me that it was all in my head.” She hesitated to bring up being biracial, but she trusted her mother to help her process it. “Third, that I have unexplored issues about being biracial.”

  “I wondered about that, Renee, but you never mentioned it so I didn’t bring it up. But I did wonder if you were totally comfortable with yourself.”

  “I am. Yet, I do have feelings about being mixed race…” Renee took her mother’s hands. “…feelings I wasn’t conscious of until I started working with Olivia, my therapist. I need to talk about it with you in more detail while I’m here, but there’s something else I want to talk about tonight, if that’s all right.”

  “Of course, it’s all right. But after you and I have our private talk about being biracial, I’d like to have one with the whole family. As far as I know, it’s not an issue for your brothers and sister, but some of your nieces and nephews are lighter-skinned, some as white as you, and it might be healthy for them to express their feelings about it as well.”

  Overwhelmed with love for her mother, Renee swiveled and hugged her. “I love you, Maman.”

  “And, I you, baby girl.” She kissed Renee’s forehead, then leaned away so she could see her face. “So what’s more important than the very basic issue of who you are?”

  Renee laughed. Maman always got it. Being biracial was the core of her being but they weren’t going to solve that problem tonight. “Right after I started therapy to free myself of Darcy, the only woman I’ve ever had strong feelings for besides Darcy and Gina, serendipitously reappeared in my life.”

  Maman smiled. “Ah, the universe works in strange ways. Was it the English girl from Stanford, Lady somebody?”

  Renee’s jaw dropped. “How do you know that?”

  “You told me, of course. Don’t you remember calling me in the middle of the night from California? You were brokenhearted that you found someone you could love and she walked out on you without saying goodbye.”

  Renee was flabbergasted. She had no memory of having admitted her feelings for Constance to herself at that time. Or, of talking to her mom, or anyone for that matter, about her feelings for Constance and about being dumped. Had she just shoved it away so she could move on and pretend that she would have dumped Constance if Constance hadn’t dumped her first? Maybe that’s why she’d rarely thought about Constance in all the years they’d been separated. Maybe the loss after letting herself love again was too hard to bear? Fodder for Olivia.

  “Yes, Lady Constance Martindale. She said she was in love with me at Stanford but left because of the obligations of being a royal. But we’ve been working on being together since we found each other again.”

  Maman listened as Renee told her the story in detail, how they’d gotten together, the intensity of their lovemaking and their connection, and how Constance had suddenly disappeared again. “I wonder if it’s the same problem as before, the royal issue.”

  Before responding, her mom got up to refill their brandy glasses, then sat next to Renee again. “From what you’ve told me, I’d say Constance had worked the royal issue through before coming to New York City. You say she and her husband had a loving friendship but do you know whether Constance has ever had a deep, loving relationship, one as passionate as it seems the two of you have?”

  Renee rotated her glass in her hand, thinking back over her discussions with Constance. “I think our relationship at Stanford was the strongest she’d ever had and it was no way near what we were feeling the second time around.”

  “Is it possible Constance was frightened by the intensity of her feelings for you?”

  Renee sipped her brandy. “Tori suggested the same thing. You’re both right. I’m Constance’s first and only love. No wonder she ran.”

  “Another possibility, Renee, is that Constance felt exposed after giving you the painting, a very personal and raw symbol of her love for you. Did you reciprocate in any way to show her the depth of your feelings for her?”

  Renee’s stomach plummeted. “Maybe not.” She thought about her response to Constance’s indirect proposal. She’d almost thought Constance was kidding so she’d probably come across as off-handed and not truly loving. How in the world could she be so thoughtless? She’d told herself she was giving Constance space but was she also frightened? She should have rushed over the next afternoon to reassure Constance, to let her know how much she loved her. Did Constance not trust that Renee really loved her? Is that why she ran? “I got her a beautiful necklace for Christmas. Will that do it?”

  Maman thought about it. “Her gift was not obligatory like a Christmas present. It was extremely personal and showed her love for you.”

  Renee cringed at her thoughtlessness. “Do you think I can make it up to her?”

  “I believe you can.” Maman chewed her lip. “Are you ready to commit to Constance? I mean really ready? Take a minute to think about it.”

  “I don’t have to think, Maman, she’s the one for me.”

  “Then you have to let her know that by getting down on your knee and proposing.”

  Proposing. Why hadn’t she thought of that? “You are right as usual, Maman. I’ll buy a ring and propose. Hopefully, she’ll say yes.”

  “Are you sure, baby girl? You’ve never shown any interest in marriage. Are you ready to make a lifetime commitment?”

  “A lifetime with Constance and the girls is exactly what I want.” And it was about time she told Constance. “I want a special ring, not a run of the mill engagement ring or a plain gold band. Will you go shopping with me tomorrow?”

  After finding nothing special at three jewelry stores, Renee was ready to give up but Maman suggested they try the studio of one of her artist friends who also made jewelry. And it was there she found a wide beaten gold band with a large emerald surrounded by diamonds and rubies, a ring she felt embodied Constance’s beauty, fragility, and strength. She hoped it also conveyed her love and desire for Constance. She couldn’t resist the matching earrings. And then to seal the deal she’d bought rings for Chloe and Cara, gold with small rubies, their birthstone.

  Now, the third day after Christmas, waiting in the Gare du Nord to board the Eurostar for London, she checked her ticket, confirmed that the paper with the address of Constance’s London home was in her pocket, and, at least fifty times, touched the rings to make sure they were still where she’d put them. Once on the train, she stowed her suitcase and the bag with the Christmas presents she’d dragged from New York and tried to relax and formulate what she would say to convince Constance of her love and her desire to be with her. All she could think of was, I love you, I want to be with you forever, which sounded kind of boring. Two and a half hours later she got off the train in St. Pancras station and walked a while trying to steady her nerves. So much was riding on this next conversation and she was afraid she would screw it up. Remembering her mother’s advice, “Let Constance know how much you love her and she won’t be able to resist,” bolstered her courage. She crossed her fingers an
d hailed a taxi to Kensington.

  Standing on the sidewalk, she thought she saw the curtain in an upstairs window move but she might have imagined it. In fact, other than that slight movement, the house appeared empty. Maybe she’d gotten this wrong. Maybe Constance wasn’t in England. Maybe she’d gone to Mexico or Tahiti or Australia. She didn’t think it was possible for her heart to beat so fast yet clutch in fear, but it did. What if she never found Constance? Or worse, what if she found her and Constance had realized it was all a fantasy and she didn’t really love Renee? It was freezing but sweat was rolling down her back. She started to shiver, not from cold, but from the certainty of rejection. Then she caught herself. She was doing it again, expecting to be rejected even though when she pushed those nasty voices aside, she knew, in her heart, that Constance loved her and wanted to be with her. She also knew that the intensity of Constance’s feelings, the desire to merge with the loved one, had panicked her and caused her to run for home. She understood. She was here, and, she would follow the plan. “Let Constance know how much you love her and she won’t be able to resist.” She prayed Maman was right as usual.

  She raised her eyes once more and this time the curtain did move and two blond heads bobbed in the window. With big grins, they waved her in. Her heart flipped. Chloe and Cara were happy to see her and that was half the battle won. What had Constance told them? She took a deep breath. She loved Constance and she loved the twins and she would fight for them. She marched up the steps and stared at the knocker, a coat of arms, most likely Nigel’s family crest. What if Constance had decided she really did want the life of a royal? Renee wouldn’t fit in with that life plan. Olivia should be happy. This time she knew she wouldn’t fit in because she was a woman, not because she was biracial. She heard laughter and raised voices inside. She lifted her hand to knock but the door was opened by a white-faced Constance who looked ready to puke.

  Renee smiled at Chloe and Cara, standing a little way back on the staircase in the entry hall behind Constance. When she focused on Constance again she was shivering and appeared to be about to close the door. Not the welcome she’d hoped for. Would Constance actually slam the door in her face? Better safe than sorry, she positioned her foot so the door couldn’t totally close. “Hey there.” Renee kept her voice soft so she wouldn’t frighten Constance.

  “Hi.” Constance sounded as if she hadn’t spoken in a while and now that Renee looked closely her eyes were red and swollen.

  “Muuuum, it’s cold. Close the door or you’ll get sick,” one of the girls complained.

  Constance glanced over her shoulder at Chloe and Cara, but she stood there shivering. This time it was definitely Chloe and her voice was almost a command. “Close the door, Mum. It’s rude to keep Renee standing in the cold.”

  The call to politeness seemed to wake Constance. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry, would you like to come in?”

  Renee nodded and moved quickly into the entryway. The girls rushed down and threw themselves at her, both talking excitedly at the same time so she didn’t really get what they were saying. She hugged them and kissed them both on the cheek but her eyes kept returning to Constance. “Do you think we could talk, Constance?”

  Constance glanced around seeming to just remember where they were. “I…all right. Let’s go into the garden room.” She took Renee’s arm and started walking but realizing her daughters were following, she stopped. “Please give us a little privacy, girls.”

  The twins looked from Constance to Renee and back as if trying to gauge what was happening. Maybe Constance hadn’t told them anything. Grumbling, they went upstairs. Constance led Renee to the rear of the house into a room with three walls of glass filled with plants and flowers, hence, she supposed, the name.

  “I just made a pot of tea. Would you like a cup or I could make coffee?”

  She wanted to get this over with but her throat was dry. “Tea would be fine.”

  So far, Constance had avoided looking directly at Renee so while she poured the tea from the steeping pot, Renee studied her. Thinner than the last time and tired in an exhausted rather than a sated way, she had dark circles under her red and swollen eyes. Her hand trembled as she handed Renee the cup of steaming tea. Renee blew on the tea, sipped, then put it down on a nearby table. “I’m happy to see you, Constance.”

  “Why are you here?” Constance walked to the window and stared into the barren garden, shoulders humped, her back to Renee.

  It hurt Renee to see Constance in so much pain. Maybe she was totally wrong. Maybe Constance wasn’t just scared. Maybe their lovemaking had been disappointing for her. Maybe she didn’t want to have anything to do with Renee. She should leave. No wait. This wasn’t about her. A look at Constance was enough to see it was about Constance, her pain, her issues. She’d come here with a purpose and she wasn’t going to leave until she’d at least professed her love and offered the ring.

  “I’m here because I’m in love with you.” Renee moved behind Constance, gently turned her so they were facing each other. “I believe the relevant question is, what are you doing here?” Renee cupped Constance’s face. “Does this have to do with being a royal?”

  Constance shook her head.

  Suddenly aware of noise behind a nearby door, Renee assumed Chloe and Cara were eavesdropping and positioned herself as a shield in front of Constance to keep their conversation private. “Do you love me?” She pitched her voice low and waited for a response that seemed to take forever.

  Constance nodded. A tear dribbled down and bounced off her nose, then the tears came full force.

  “I’d like to hold you. Would that be all right?”

  Constance stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Renee’s waist. Renee returned the favor, pulled her close, and rested her head on the top of Constance’s head. Progress. Constance sighed and sank into Renee, melding their bodies. Renee was silent, giving Constance time to pull herself together.

  A few minutes went by before Constance pulled away and looked up at Renee. “I’m afraid I’ll never measure up to Darcy in bed, or anywhere. And I’m sure you’ll figure out it’s still Darcy you want.”

  “Did you think I was lying about discovering in therapy that I hadn’t been in love with Darcy all those years but used the idea of loving her as a shield?”

  Constance shook her head.

  “And did you think after confessing that I love you, after spending that glorious weekend in bed with you, I would dump you and go back to meaningless sexual liaisons while I waited another twenty or more years for Darcy to divorce her wife?”

  Constance almost smiled. “It does sound kind of dumb.”

  “It is dumb.” She kissed Constance’s temple. “Constance, you are one of the smartest women I know, but you couldn’t be more wrong about this. It’s you I love, not Darcy. It’s you I want, not Darcy. I’m hurt that you thought I was thinking about Darcy while making love to you. If you felt I wasn’t there with you one hundred and ten percent, I failed as a lover.”

  “No, you didn’t fail as a lover.” Constance tightened her hold on Renee. “It’s me, Renee. I’ve never felt so loved as I feel by you. And I’ve never loved anyone as deeply, as passionately as I love you. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of our lovemaking. I felt what I think a drug addict must feel. All I wanted was you, to be with you to the exclusion of the world, even Chloe and Cara. I had to get away so I could breathe. I’m sorry.”

  “Our lovemaking was amazing and more intense than any I’ve ever experienced. It’s understandable that it scared you, Constance.”

  “But why aren’t you scared?”

  Renee cleared her throat, not sure how honest to be. “Actually, what you’re feeling is pretty much what I felt with Darcy, and as you know, I ran too. So loving you as much as I do, the intensity and the depth of our passion didn’t surprise me. I wanted to run to you, not away.”

  Constance took a minute to consider what Renee said. “You think it’s because you’re
my first and only true love?”

  “I do.” Renee slipped to her knee and took Constance’s hand in hers. She kissed her palm. “Lady Constance Elizabeth Martindale Worthington, I love you more than words can say and I want to be with you, and with Chloe and Cara, forever.” As she extracted the ring from her pocket, she wondered if Constance had heard the gasps and the rustling from the door to the room behind her. “The painting you gave me is the most extraordinary gift I’ve ever received. It showed me how deep your love is and I apologize for failing to communicate how in love with you I am and how much I want us to be together as a family but I hope you can hear me now.” Renee held the ring out. “Will you marry me?” Constance’s eyes widened but she didn’t pull her hand away so Renee slipped the ring on her finger.

  Constance burst into tears again. The girls burst into the room. “Say yes, Mummy, say yes.” Nearly knocking Renee over, they embraced her and Constance.

  Constance seemed to be stunned. She held the hand with the ring in front of her, reached out to touch Renee’s face as if to confirm she was real, really there. Renee ached in the silence, afraid she’d misunderstood.

  After what seemed like hours, Constance breathed, “Yes.” She smiled. “Yes I will marry you.” She leaned down and kissed Renee. “Of course, I can’t speak for Chloe and Cara.”

  Constance was joking. The tension drained from Renee.

  “We will, we will.” The girls pulled Constance toward them and the four of them toppled onto the floor. Renee struggled under them and finally was able to get the other two rings out of her pocket. She got to her knee again. “Cara and Chloe, will you accept my proposal?”

  For once the girls didn’t check in with each other. “Yes,” they said simultaneously. She put a ring on each of their fingers and kissed their cheeks.

  Constance beamed from the floor. “Can I get a kiss, bub?”

  “Always happy to accommodate you, Lady Constance.”