Defend

by Lindsay Paige

  “Maybe I should ask my sister when we get back. She’s the only one I know who’s lived alone before. I do want to live with you, though. I just don’t know if I should do it right now. I hate that I don’t know.”

  “It’s a big decision. You don’t always know the answer right away,” I say to reassure her.

  She attempts to wiggle closer to me. “I feel like I’m letting you down.”

  Do I feel let down that she’s hesitant about when she should move in with me and when we should get married? She says she wants those things, but the timing is what worries her because she doesn’t want it to happen too soon and have that somehow be the reason our relationship ends down the road. Ultimately, this is her way of trying to keep us together forever. Who can be upset about that?

  “You’re not letting me down,” I whisper, kissing the top of her forehead. “Not even a little bit.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  A minute or so later, her breathing slips into a pattern that lets me know she’s asleep, which helps me fall asleep.

  We’re up bright and early at five the next morning as we enter Tracy Arm fjord. Jamie and I dress in pajamas before we step out onto the balcony, already finding Kayla and Logan.

  “Where’s Gregory?”

  “Still asleep,” Logan answers.

  I step into their room and walk over to where his bed hangs from the ceiling. He has one eye open. “You don’t want to come outside and see the icebergs and whatever else we might see?”

  “Depends.”

  “On what?” I ask.

  “What did Jamie tell you about our conversation?”

  I wait to answer because Logan steps inside to grab his and Kayla’s hoodies. “She said she promised secrecy and y’all talked about what happened yesterday. She said I should trust you’ll make good decisions and if I want to know more about why you’re upset, I needed to talk to you. That’s it. She wouldn’t tell me more and I even got mad with her.”

  Gregory smiles. “I’ll come outside.” He starts to climb down the ladder at the foot of the bed.

  “Are you going to tell me what y’all talked about?”

  “Maybe, but not right now.” He finds his hoodie and I follow him outside. It is a bit chilly, partly due to the wind. Gregory goes over to Jamie and hugs her quickly.

  “What was that for?” she asks as I come to stand next to her.

  “You kept your promise.”

  Jamie smiles. “I wasn’t even tempted to tell.”

  There are a lot of folks out on their balconies this morning. We see various sized icebergs as we slowly travel through the water. There are a few waterfalls among the trees on the mountains across from us, which are beautiful. Some of the pieces of ice are a pretty blue color. Clouds hang low, just feet above the water near the mountains, making the view that much more awe-inspiring.

  “I could use some hot chocolate right about now,” Jamie says with a yawn.

  “Drink in the beauty instead,” I tease.

  She rolls her eyes. “It is relaxing and beautiful.”

  Soon, we get to a point where the ship can’t go any further and it has to turn around. We hear some commentary about the area as well. Afterward, we get ready for our day, eat, and before long, we’re at our next port: Juneau.

  Our primary destination is the Mendenhall Glacier. We ride on a bus that’s taking us there now. Jamie grabs my arm hard and points out the window. “Look!”

  On one of the light poles, a bald eagle rests.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen one in person before.” Even though I only got a glimpse and it wasn’t that close, it’s amazing how they still look majestic.

  Jamie twists in her seat to tell Kayla, Logan, and Gregory to be on the lookout for more. We end up seeing three more. It blows my mind every time. Before we’re let off the bus, we’re told about how we’ll get picked up. We get off and then walk around a little bit before going into the visitor’s center. There are things to read and look at and a short video to watch. Once we’ve done that, we head down to get a better view of the glacier that has been retreating for a long time now.

  It looks wedged between two mountains, almost like a huge river rushing down, but frozen in place. Parts of it look blue, parts look as if there’s dirt along the crevices. It would be more beautiful if I didn’t have two kids and a jackass taking turns talking about how cold it is and how much bite the wind has. Jamie is silent, but I know she’s cold too. She’s huddled against me, her arms around me, and her hands in my back pockets. It is cold, definitely doesn’t feel like the forecasted sixty degrees, but there’s no need to complain about it. I’m not that cold because I wore an extra layer of clothing, and I tried to get them to do the same. They didn’t listen to me.

  After Kayla gets plenty of pictures, we walk along a trail that will bring us closer to a nearby waterfall. That warms them up, thankfully. Nugget Falls is even more beautiful up close.

  “Brent?”

  I glance down at Jamie. “Yeah?”

  “We can’t come here, see something this pretty, and you not kiss me.” Her hands are already reaching up to tangle in my hair.

  Our mouths meet in the middle with the sound of water rushing down into the lake behind us. Maybe if I kiss her hard enough and with all the feelings I have, she’ll realize it’s a fantastic decision to move in with me now rather than later. I’m confident about this; I’d like her to be as well.

  “That’s the kind of kiss I was talking about,” she whispers.

  “Anything you want, you get.” Reluctantly, I remove my arms from her waist. “We should probably head back.” The kids seem ready, too.

  For as much as I insisted that Jamie didn’t have to answer me, I wish she would already. Not knowing this particular fate is driving me crazy. Not necessarily because she might not move in, but because I don’t know what she’ll do. The unknown of her answer bothers me more than whatever her answer might be.

  “Brent?” Jamie calls my name from the bed later when we’re back on the ship and getting ready for dinner.

  I step out of the bathroom and walk over to her. “What is it?”

  “How would us living together work?”

  Thank goodness I’m not the only one thinking about this still. “What do you mean exactly?” I sit down next to her. “You’d move in. We’d figure out how to take care of the house together as partners. We’d buy groceries together. It’ll be fairly simple.”

  “But you have a mortgage, right? What about that? Or the utilities?”

  I shake my head. “You can help with the utilities if you want, but the mortgage is my debt, not yours.”

  “You know, you have this tone you use when you don’t want anyone to argue with you. It’s annoyingly effective.”

  Her words make me smile. “I’ll try to use it more often, then.”

  “You think we can do it? It’s not too soon?” There’s so much hope in her voice. She wants this as badly as I do; that much is clear with her hope that I’ll reassure her that this is the right decision not only for her, but for us.

  “Wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think we could do it. And no, I don’t think it’s too soon. You’ve spent a lot of nights at my house and now, we’re spending an entire week together and we haven’t tried to get away from one another. It’s been great.” She nods in agreement. I lean over to kiss her cheek as there’s a knock on our door. “Honey, there’s still time to think about it. And even if the answer is no, we’ll be fine.”

  I stand and hold out my hand for hers. She takes it as she stands. “Part of me thinks I should say yes because how can I say no to a man as good as you? Maybe you should stop being so nice to me and that’ll make this easier.”

  I open the door for her and slap her ass as she walks by me. “There you go.”

  “That’s not what I meant!” she exclaims with a laugh.

  “We did not need to see that,” Gregory tells m
e.

  “I have to agree,” Logan adds. “Although, I’m not sure when I would like to see anyone get their ass slapped.”

  “And we have no idea why doing that,” Kayla slaps Logan’s behind playfully as we walk toward the elevator, “has to do with whatever Jamie actually meant. It’s all very disturbing.”

  “If it makes y’all feel better, it wasn’t sexual,” Jamie says, making all of them groan. That apparently doesn’t help.

  Meals have been going well ever since Jamie and Kayla talked. They can now carry on a conversation with ease. They’re even planning to go to a trivia game later tonight. There’s some rated R movie playing in the theater, so us guys are going to watch that. I have to admit, I’m slightly nervous about leaving the two of them to their own devices. Is it too soon to really trust that they are on good solid ground with one another?

  “Jamie?” Kayla’s voice pulls me out of my own head as we eat dessert. “Are you okay? This is the second night in a row that you’ve been quiet through dinner.”

  She’s showing concern; that’s a good sign that things will stay as they are now.

  “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” Jamie flicks her gaze to me. “Just a lot on my mind.”

  I definitely should’ve waited until we got home. Now, I have her all distracted while we’re on the trip. After dinner, we have time before their trivia game and our movie. I pull Jamie outside to the balcony and we sit on a nearby bench.

  “Wanting alone time with me already? We’re still in public, you know,” she teases, cuddling into my side since neither of us have our coats and it’s cold, the wind bustling by. Her hair flies into my face constantly.

  “I wanted to talk to you in semi-privacy for a moment,” I explain.

  “What is it?” she asks with concern.

  “Stop thinking about whether or not you’ll move in with me. It’s distracting you and pulling you away from the here and now. Enjoy the cruise with me and think about it when we get home.”

  “I wouldn’t have to think about it at all if I was brave enough to go for a run and clear my head.”

  “We’ll go after the movie,” I decide. Jamie looks up at me with wide eyes. “We’re going,” I repeat before she can protest. “You need to clear your head and running is the best way you know how. I’ll run with you, so you have nothing to worry about.”

  “See? Good man.” She kisses my cheek and I hold her tight. I wouldn’t mind taking off of work for more trips with her. She’s definitely the woman for me.

  “I can’t believe you actually volunteered to answer a question and you won a hundred bucks!” I say to Kayla as we leave the room where the game was held.

  “I always try to do one thing out of my comfort zone on vacations. That was my one thing. Logan wanted me to do the singing competition they have, but...” Her voice trails off as she shakes her head.

  “You can sing?” I ask with surprise.

  “Yeah, I’m not too bad. I used to sing in a coffeehouse and I had a video channel online, but the only person I’m singing for these days is Logan.”

  We amble into one of the stores. Kayla’s demeanor has changed, softened, and I’m unsure if I should ask my follow-up question. I suddenly feel like we’re in murky waters, but I have no clue why. Since we’re branching out into this new relationship where we’re friendly and nice, I decide I should keep that going and ask my question.

  “How come you only sing for him now?”

  “I’m guessing my dad hasn’t told you that I was stalked.” She cuts a quick glance at me.

  Stalked? “I think he mentioned it briefly when we first met. He said I was too trusting and I ended up asking him why he was always so concerned about safety, and he said something about how you had been stalked.” Though I can’t really remember what he said now.

  “Well, long story short, he either found me through my videos or the coffeehouse. I haven’t really had the urge to get my social media accounts reactivated or to return and start singing again. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t miss it so far, so that’s good.”

  What exactly does a person say to that?

  Nothing, as it turns out.

  “I’d like to head back to our rooms,” Kayla says. “Do you want to hang around and hope they find you or come with me? I think the only thing going on right now is karaoke and disco.”

  “The rooms are fine.”

  It’s a little late anyway and we have an early morning tomorrow. I don’t know what Brent was thinking when he promised to go running with me after the movie. The movie won’t be over until a little after midnight.

  Once in our respective rooms, I change into my pajamas and then find a pen and paper. I’ll leave a note for Brent, telling him to forget about running and that I had a good time with Kayla, just in case I fall asleep before he gets back. As I lie in bed with my eyes closed, I think about the options before me.

  There are plenty of reasons to move in with Brent. We’re sure to continue spending our free time with one another. He’s confident this is a good move at the right time and I trust his judgment. I love him. I can easily picture a long-term relationship with him, marriage even. I won’t be moving in because I need to, but because I absolutely want to, and I think the difference is important.

  The only reasons I can think of to not move in are the possibility that it may be too soon and that maybe I need to live on my own first.

  That’s it.

  And I’m not sure the should nots outweigh the shoulds. It seems impossible that they could do such a thing.

  As I doze off, I realize that might mean I have my answer.

  I’m startled awake when Brent returns due to the thump and click of the door closing. However, when I roll over, I don’t see him, but I hear another door close. It’s not long before Brent appears, clearly coming from the bathroom.

  Brent takes one look at me and crawls onto the bed until he’s hovering over my body. “I woke you, didn’t I?” I nod. “Sorry, hon.” He gives me a sweet, apologetic kiss. “How’d it go with you and Kayla?”

  “Read my note,” I grumpily reply, rolling onto my side to go back to sleep.

  “Don’t you want to know about the movie?” he asks, sounding way too amused for how I feel.

  “No.” With a yawn, my eyes close and I keep them that way. I wasn’t as tired as I feel now until I fell asleep. Waking up before I’ve gotten enough sleep is not making me happy.

  “I think I like you like this,” Brent whispers.

  “I’m about to elbow you if you don’t go away and finally let me turn that lamp off.”

  “She left me a note and left the lamp on for me. How sweet,” Brent says with a chuckle. He leans down and kisses my neck.

  “Brent,” I whine. “I need sleep.”

  “Will you give me a goodnight kiss when I get back?” he asks.

  “Of course,” I answer without any snark, sleep-fueled anger, or any sort of fight.

  Brent kisses my cheek before getting back up to change and get ready for bed. I roll over because I’m facing the edge of the bed and Brent won’t get his kiss that way. When he rounds the bed, he quickly reads the note before sliding between the sheets.

  “I’m glad y’all had fun. The movie was good, by the way. I also talked to Gregory and I know what you know.”

  “Good.” I scoot closer and kiss him, waking up more and more as his arms tighten around me. “Brent,” I murmur against his mouth. “I have something to tell you.”

  He turns away to turn off the lamp. “Don’t feel like we have to talk about whatever it is now. I’ll behave and go to sleep. You can tell me in the morning.”

  “But I’m awake now and it’s important.”

  His hand finds its way to my hip. “Okay. I’m listening.”

  With a deep breath and a smile he probably can’t see, I whisper, “I’ll move in.”

  He squeezes my hip. “Are you sure? You haven’t even gone for a run to clear your head. There’s still p
lenty of time to think about it. I don’t want you to feel like you need to make a decision now.”

  “Brent, I’m sure,” I interrupt before he can go on talking like that for another second longer. I rest my hands on his bare chest. “All the reasons I want to outweigh any reason why I should wait. If you still want me, I’m moving in.”

  “I most definitely still want you.” There’s a slight shift on the bed. His nose gently bumps into mine and then his lips brush once, twice, three times before he finally kisses me. I’ll never be able to pick my favorite kiss from Brent. Or the most memorable or the best because he makes them all so breathtaking, heart-pounding, soul-stealing, that they end up being incomparable to anything else, including each other. “Have I told you lately that I love you?” he asks as he settles his head on his pillow.

  “Not in the last few hours; I’m starting to worry you’re falling out of love with me.”

  Brent laughs. “Impossible, but just so you know, I do love you.”

  “I love you too.” I decide to forget my pillow and use Brent’s chest instead. With the sound of his breathing and his heartbeat, I’m able to fall back asleep within seconds.

  We stop in Skagway. Our excursion is a long one today. We’re on a bus, learning about the mining industry during the Gold Rush. Our driver even stops on the road when we see a bear cub along the side of the road, so those on that side of the bus can get pictures and we can all get a good look at the cute bear. The view of mountains and water is beautiful. I think that seems to sum up Alaska: beautiful.

  We have to stop for customs because we’ll pass into Canada. Our first attraction today is a suspension bridge. First of all, just looking down at the rushing water flowing past is pretty. Everything around me makes me want to take a deep breath as if it could cleanse me of any ugliness I’ve faced in the past ten years. Yep, there’s that kind of feeling that I’d go all the way back ten years.