Down & Dirty: Crow: Dirty Angels MC, book 10
Page 19
Crow.
“Yeah, baby, it’s Crow. Open your eyes.”
It’s easy, Jazz. Just open your eyes. Open them so you can see.
This wasn’t that house. He wasn’t those men. He’d never be.
Somehow, she managed to unlock her jaws. “I can’t.”
“Yeah, you can, baby. You can. Just open ‘em.”
She inhaled deeply and willed her eyes to open.
His face, his familiar face, was only inches from hers. As it came into focus, she didn’t like what she saw.
Fear. Deep-seated fear.
It marred his beautiful features. Though he tried to hide it, he couldn’t.
She could see it so clearly. In the set of his jaw, in the thinning of his lips, in his eyes, in the creases of his forehead.
“Kachina,” he whispered, cupping her cheek. “Sorry, baby. Didn’t fuckin’ think.”
It wasn’t his fault. None of it was his fault.
The men who caused this were long gone. Crow didn’t deserve to deal with the mess they left behind.
She was curled up in his lap as he leaned back against the headboard. She turned her face until it pressed against his bare chest and his skin warmed her cheek. His steady breathing soothed her.
“They ruined my life. They ruined me.”
“Not ruined, Kachina. Never.”
It scared her that she might react in the future like she just did. No man would want to put up with that. Who’d want to be afraid that something they might do would trigger a reaction? Her parents had forced her to see a therapist for a while right after the incident and she had. The woman had told her the smallest thing may be a trigger. Or even something unexpected and unrelated at all to what happened to her.
Eventually she skipped out on her sessions because she was sick of revisiting that day over and over, and every time she walked into that office that’s what happened. She’d live that nightmare again, even if they discussed nothing about that day. The sessions had turned into a trigger in itself.
Even though she didn’t think it was fair that Crow be forced to deal with her issues, she couldn’t let him go.
“You told me I could move on. But I can’t. I can’t, Crow. I can’t be with anyone else. I tried.”
His body jolted, then tensed. She could both hear and feel his heartbeat change against her ear. “He touched you?”
What?
“Mercy touch you?”
“No, when I say I tried, I meant imagining being with someone else. I was doing that when you touched my wrists...”
It probably was insulting when a man learned that the woman he was getting ready to have sex with was imaging someone else. But she needed to be honest. Especially with Crow.
“It triggered somethin’.”
She didn’t need to answer him. He knew.
“Fucked up by doin’ that.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t know.”
“Shoulda known.” His low voice rumbled against her cheek through his chest. “Gonna find someone who’ll be perfect for you. Promise. An’ you’ll fuckin’ love him an’ he’ll treat you like you’re priceless. An’—”
“I don’t want anyone else.”
“Baby...”
She shifted in his arms until she could look up into his face. “I don’t want anyone else.”
“Just sayin’ that ‘cause you feel safe with me.”
The darkness that had remained on the edge of her consciousness vanished and there was nothing left but light. She could see everything clearly and he needed to see it, too. “No, I’m saying it because... I love you. I don’t want anyone else. I want the man I love.”
“Kachina,” he breathed.
Now that light was turning into a flame as the anger licked at her. He was going to deny what she felt. Push it aside, like she was confused about what love was. Treat her as if she was still too young to know better. “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t. Or that I’m confused. Because I’m not. I might be screwed up about a lot of things, but not this. I love you, Crow. I don’t give a shit that you’re forty and I’m twenty-eight. Nobody else gives a shit, either.”
“Jazz.”
She shook her head, determined to get him to listen. “No. I know what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me I don’t. I knew it before I walked into your shop a couple weeks ago. I knew it not long after you startled me that day at Hawk’s.”
“Jazz, you couldn’t—”
“Yes, I could. I did. I wasn’t a little girl then. I’m not a little girl now. So when I tell you I love you, it’s true. Just accept it.”
Just accept it.
Crow blinked. His mouth opened.
Only air came out.
Well, fuck.
No, she definitely wasn’t a little girl back then. And she wasn’t one now, either.
The woman in his lap, his arms, was anything but.
Her thighs were a little softer now than when she first returned. Between him and Momma Bear making her eat better, she’d already begun to fill out, making her curvier. The concave of her belly, gone. The line of her ribs, gone. The hollows of her cheeks, gone. Her hip bones, while still visible, not so bony. Healthier. She was looking so much more like her old self.
Not her old self like when she was fresh in town, when she was barely eighteen. But more like when she was twenty-two before everything happened. She was still thin back then, still becoming a woman. Becoming who she was meant to be.
Until those fuckers stole that all from her.
But even back then, he recognized something in her he knew he wanted.
What he desired.
He beat himself up about it because she was so young. Not to mention, under Hawk’s care. Fuck, she was Grizz’s granddaughter. A college student.
While he was a biker, twelve years older than her, who had no education other than a barely-earned high school diploma. His skills consisted of marking people’s skin with permanent ink.
He was fine with that. Content.
While Jazz had the whole world ahead of her. Her whole life.
There was no way he was settling down back then, anyway. He wasn’t ready, she certainly wasn’t, either.
And it would’ve done her a great disservice. Or so he thought.
Maybe if he would have gone against his own conscious and claimed her, she wouldn’t have been in Hawk’s house when Keeks got nabbed.
But even so, it would have caused a lot of tension. Hawk would have fucking flipped his lid. Grizz and Momma Bear, too. They were proud when one of their grandchildren went to college, wanting to better themselves with an education.
Grizz grumbled about college being worthless. But Crow had watched the old man over the years when he talked about his grandkids. The look in his eye when he did so...
Yeah, the man was fucking more than proud.
And now, the woman he’d left alone for both of their sakes was in his arms. Dealing with shit. But dealing with it...
In. His. Arms.
She admitted she was messy. And she was. That didn’t bother him. He could deal with mess if it was worth it.
Jazz was worth it.
Even though she was young in age, she’d already lived a lifetime of hurt. And that made her older than her years.
His own life had started with tragedy, losing his parents so violently when he was so young. She had dealt with tragedy herself. Not as a witness, but an unwilling participant. They could deal with that shit together.
Maybe they were meant to be. Maybe the spirit gods had put his Kachina in his path that day for a reason. Guided him to open Hawk’s door, when he normally wouldn’t just walk in.
He had forced himself to push her out of his mind so long ago and then when she left, it made it easier to leave that alone. But now, she was back, in his house, in his bed, in his arms.
He could no longer ignore it.
Especially now.
She loved him.
That’s what she said. That’s what
she believed.
“You’re not going to say anything? I know you don’t love me, Crow. And I don’t expect you to say it back. I don’t. But I needed to get it out. You telling me that we’re done when my tat is finished is wrong. You might be done with me, but I’ll never be done with you.”
This was not the way things were supposed to go. It certainly fucking wasn’t. “Baby.”
“You can push me away when that time comes, but I’ll never push you out of my heart. Never.”
Jesus fuckin’ Christ. She was killing him. “Baby.”
“I’m sorry how I reacted earlier—”
She was sorry? Like she had control over that? Fuck that. If anyone was sorry, it was him. “Never be sorry,” he growled. “You didn’t fuckin’ choose to react that way. That wasn’t your choice. I shoulda known better than to take it that far after today. After that shit with...” He let that drift off. No need to repeat the fuckery that happened earlier at the warehouse. “It affected you. Shoulda left you alone.”
She shoved her face into his throat and curled her fingers around the back of his neck, holding onto him. “No, please don’t leave me alone. I pushed myself because I was... I was trying to imagine my life without you. With someone else.”
“Kachina.”
“Crow, I will leave when you ask me to. I promise I will. But just know I’ll have to fight against every instinct to do so. But I don’t want you to feel obligated. I don’t want you to feel the need to stick to someone you don’t want to be stuck to because of guilt. I only wanted to let you know I love you, that’s all. I appreciate what you’re doing for me. I appreciate your patience. I can’t imagine anyone else would be as accepting as you.”
“Baby.” It wasn’t that he was trying to interrupt her, he just didn’t know what to say to everything she was revealing. No, that was fucking wrong, he did want to interrupt her because the more she said, the harder it was to deal with. The harder it was to admit to himself that he wouldn’t be able to let her go, either.
Should he feel guilty he wanted to keep her? Claim her as his?
Make it so no other man would have the balls to walk onto his property and try to steal his woman.
Because fuck that.
He didn’t like violence but the thought of losing his woman made him itch with it.
And he would lose her if he remained stubborn by telling himself it was for the best.
It wasn’t.
Even so, her life stopped that day in that abandoned house and he wanted nothing more than for her to pick up where it left off and experience everything she should have from that point on. She was robbed of her twenties when she began to hide herself. Him claiming her might not let her experience everything she missed.
But that wasn’t all that held him back. He also wasn’t sure he wanted a life of domesticity. He was forty. Yeah, it wasn’t ancient, but he was set in his ways. If he was going to have kids, he should’ve started ten years ago. While he was thrilled with every baby born to his brothers, at this point in his life he wasn’t so sure that was for him.
If he claimed Jazz, he would have to consider all of that, too. Because he couldn’t imagine the woman didn’t want babies. Right?
Didn’t most women want babies? Even Brooke had been considering Dex’s plea. Though, so far it hadn’t happened.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, I never should have told you,” she whispered against his throat. Her lips were like silk against his skin.
Truth was, she didn’t need to tell him.
He knew.
He’d been hoping it was just a crush held over from years ago. But when she actually said the words...
Now that she said them, it was hard to get them out of his head. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to.
No one had ever said those words to him before. He never stuck with anyone long enough for that to develop. Maybe he did it on purpose, who knew.
While he figured his parents might have told him, he didn’t remember them saying it. He’d been way too young.
While he also knew his club brothers loved him like family and the feeling was mutual, they never said it. Fuck, that would just be weird. While he knew his club sisters loved him as family, it wasn’t like they were going around declaring that shit, either.
So, yeah, his aunt, his mother’s only sister, had told him a couple of times from what he could remember. At the time, he assumed it was only because they were blood. The poor woman had been stuck raising a nephew when she never planned on having kids of her own.
So, when it came to saying those words Jazz was the only person he ever heard them from.
Suddenly, he hoped like hell she meant it. Because words without real meaning were empty. Hollow.
“Tell me again,” he murmured.
Jazz lifted her face from his neck, and before she could speak, he dug his fingers into both sides of her head, holding her so she couldn’t avoid his gaze.
But she didn’t even try. Fuck no, her eyes met his and, not even wavering for a second, she stated, “I love you.”
He wanted to ask, “Are you sure? Is this really what you’re feelin’?” But he didn’t, because, fuck him, he could see it.
She fucking loved him.
“Kachina, I—”
“I said you didn’t have to say it. So don’t. I don’t want you to say it if you don’t mean it.” Her eyes slid to the side.
A heartbeat later he said, “Again.”
Her wide green eyes quickly came back to him and her mouth dropped open for a second. “I love you.”
He dropped his head and said softly over her parted lips, “Yeah, me too, baby,” before crushing his mouth against hers.
Sealing his lips to hers was his attempt to trap those words between them. So they could never be taken away.
But he didn’t control the kiss. Not this time, he let her take it as far as she wanted. He had plenty of time to be the one in the driver’s seat. And only when she was ready. The last couple of weeks, things had gone well. Today was just a hiccup.
He expected more in the future. And each one would be dealt with. Whether he needed to retreat just far enough before pushing forward again.
But, no matter what, they would be pushing forward. Together.
She loved him.
That changed everything.
Chapter Fifteen
The official meeting of the DAMC sisterhood had commenced on the second floor above Sophie’s Sweet Treats. Z and Sophie’s former apartment had been converted into a little sitting area, almost like a café, for people to enjoy Wi-Fi, coffee and, of course, tooth-aching, calorie-ridden, orgasm-worthy baked goods. Like Bella’s to-die-for filled cupcakes.
Jazz was on cupcake number three and was feeling no shame about it. None at all. Crow was always encouraging her to eat more to put on some weight. While he preferred a woman with curves, she was pretty sure he’d be content no matter what she looked like.
But now, when she looked in a mirror, she saw herself. Not through her jaded eyes, but through his. She had to admit, she was liking the curves, too. Though, she’d gone up a whole size in clothes. Even her bras were now a little tight, the cups beginning to overflow slightly. That wasn’t a bad thing, either.
Giving her a run for her money on a sugar overdose was Diamond, who was finishing her second cupcake moaning and groaning like she was having the best sex of her life.
“Hungry and horny. That describes pregnancy perfectly,” she said between an eye-rolling bite of cake and lick of icing.
Sophie snorted. “Tell me about it. Zak definitely didn’t mind the horny part. Especially when I would take charge and jump his bones—”
“Bah bah bah!” Jayde shouted, covering her ears with her hands. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to picture it. Just no.” She turned to look at Bella. “From you, either. I don’t need to hear about my brothers’ sex lives. Please and thank you.”
Bella dropped her head and shook it, smiling.
“Really?” Jewel asked.
“No, because we like to... Uh... Never mind.”
“Thank you,” Bella said.
“Agreed,” Ivy said. “We don’t want to hear about our brother’s capabilities in that department, either.”
“How can we participate in women’s talk without talking about sex?” Jewel complained.
“Some of us don’t have male siblings,” Ivy said.
All eyes turned to Jazz.
“Yeah,” Sophie said, leaning toward Jazz. “Nobody in this room is going to stop you from talking about Crow in the sack.”
Ivy laughed. “Oh no. In fact, we’re going to encourage it.”
“Ply you with the cupcake flavors of your choice,” Bella added. “A lifetime supply, in fact.” She turned to Emma. “You too, Emma. Watching Dawg with you makes us all quiver in our boots.”
Emma popped the last bite of her first cupcake into her mouth and laughed. “You know that’s not happening.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
Suddenly all eyes turned back to her. “Linc and Jayde!” Jazz exclaimed, trying to get the attention off her.
“Meh. No. We want to hear about Crow,” Kiki said.
“What do you mean ‘meh?’” Jayde yelled. “Linc’s got those sexy flexy hips. God, I hope he never gets arthritis or needs a hip replacement.”
“Linc’s in our office way too much,” Kiki announced. “I don’t think I can hear the nitty gritty details and still look at him the same afterward.”
“But you can hear about Crow and you all can look at him the same afterward?” Jazz asked.
A loud resounding “Yes!” rose up from almost all of them.
Jazz turned her head to look at the one female in the room who hadn’t agreed. “Diamond?”
Diamond smiled. “I’m not voting, but I’m also not closing my ears if you decide to spill.”
“Nothing to spill,” Jazz muttered. She was not talking about her and Crow’s sex life. It probably didn’t even compare to the rest of theirs. After that blackout episode, Crow was back to taking things as slow as molasses left outside in winter.