Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  Darren pops Cadence’s pacifier in her mouth. “Maybe it’s time to tell her about Sunshine.”

  Nate cries, and Jordan puts down his coffee. “I’ll get him.”

  I shake my head. “She can’t find out about that yet. She hasn’t even held her kid since a few hours after he was born. Besides, I’ve put off the opening for a few months. It killed me to do so, but Noah would want to give it all of his focus, and I can’t even give it five concentrated minutes right now.”

  Darren sighs. “Look, you don’t have to explain it to me. I just think the longer you wait to tell her, the harder it’s going to be.”

  He picks up Cadence and heads toward his room. I don’t disagree with him, but I’m hoping there will be some kind of opening for me to bring it up. It’s not just this good thing Noah and I were doing together. It’s the last secret Noah and I shared. We agreed to surprise Mel when it was a good time, and right now is the worst timing possible. In fact, I think she’ll flip out. Instead of being something good, it will be a secret Noah kept. After she found out we all knew Noah thought his time here was limited, but she didn’t, well … let’s just say I’m not ready to be on the receiving end of her wrath again.

  Nate

  As the weeks pass, I feel like all my good intentions have gone right out the window. Amelia is worse than ever, and I’m scared she’s beyond help. Each day is a struggle for all of us. The urge to use drugs hits me at least once a day, and I fight it with everything I am, even if I desperately want to give in and not have to be the one keeping it together for once.

  Then I think of Noah and my promises to him, not just the night on the bus but even back when Marilyn almost wrecked us and I pull myself out of my funk. I won’t let those demons win when I’ve already lost Noah. One bad high and my family would lose me too, and even worse, Nate and Mel would be alone.

  We all try by encouraging Mel to get up and spend some time with her son, but she doesn’t like getting out of bed. She uses her new computer to watch videos of Noah again and again. Or to listen to her morbid death playlist of sad songs that remind her of him.

  It kills us to walk in that room and see Noah’s things sitting on the desk like he’s going to come back in one day and pick up his car keys and wallet and leave. She drowns herself in his cologne. It isn’t healthy for her, and it’s like a slap in the face to the rest of us who miss him just as much as she does but are trying to put one foot in front of the other.

  Nighttime isn’t as bad. When the house is quiet, I spend time with Nate and Mel. Darren insists on taking Nate duty every other night. I was resistant at first, but he is already up with Cadence. The sleep helps too—even if it’s fitful. Mel isn’t the only one having nightmares.

  Most nights after I put Nate to bed I go to Mel’s room and lie down with her. She pretends to be sleeping, but ever since she weaned herself off her pain meds, I know she’s not. She’s still in pain and uncomfortable, but I think her suffering shows me she’s still in there. She’s fighting to push past it but in her own way. She listens on the monitor every night for Nate; she thinks I don’t realize it, but I do. It helps make story time fun. I do it for both of them.

  After changing Nate into his pajamas, I grab his bottle to feed him. He peeks up at me with Noah’s eyes and smiles. This kid is beyond adorable. It kills me Noah isn’t here with him—to hold him, to feed him, to be on the receiving end of that smile—because that smile is worth waking up for every day. It eases the pain. When he smiles, I know Noah is still here.

  As Nate sucks on his bottle and clutches my finger with one of his hands, I wish Mel could know the peace that resides in this room during these times. “Are you ready for your Rock N Roll Prince and Princess story?”

  His eyes are always so intently focused on me, and at times I wonder if he has any clue I’m not his dad. I tell him about Noah all the time. I will talk his ear off about Noah until my dying day, but still, he only knows me.

  As usual, during the story, he stops sucking the bottle and his lips pop open. I pull it from his mouth and put him over my shoulder to rub his back and see if he’ll burp. Having him in my arms is the best feeling. I wish Mel could stop grieving enough to feel it too.

  When I know he’s down for the count, I lay him in his crib and head to Mel’s room. I feel like talking tonight, and maybe tonight she’ll decide to talk back.

  She’s curled up against the far side of the bed in Noah’s spot, and I take hers. “Nate’s asleep. He had a good day today. He spent some time with Veronica and Cadence, and I worked on some paperwork.”

  It’s not a lie. There’s a lot going on with The Sunshine Project right now as we get ready to open the dorm. I wish I could share it with her, but Mel has a lot of life to catch up on before we can even broach that subject.

  “Princess, I was thinking that since you get your cast-off next week, maybe we could take Nate down to the beach and take a walk. I seem to feel closer to Noah there, and you’ve been cooped up in the room so long it might be nice for you to get out for a change. What do you think?”

  Her body is still, too still. That’s how I know she’s not sleeping. She’s never sleeping.

  “I have a confession. I can’t write, and I can’t pick up my guitar. I think losing Noah broke me. Well, I know it did, but I think it broke the musician in me as well. I’m angry about the accident, about the music, and I feel like Noah would want me to fight, but what if I don’t want to fight? What if I just can’t do it without him? We’ve always been a team, and now I’ve lost my partner. So have you, and you lost Belle too. I know that’s why you’re like this, why it’s harder for you to face the world. Between Darren and me, we have you covered. He knows what it’s like to lose his partner, and I know what it’s like to lose my best friend. We feel like we’re losing you too, Princess. Don’t make us right.”

  Please talk …

  Please say something …

  “And you know what I think? I think you have to join our family again Mel. Belle and Noah would kick my ass from here to kingdom come if I didn’t fight to make you whole again. The problem is, I don’t have much fight left right now. I’m exhausted. We’re all exhausted. I wish you could see we’re all fighting just to be in the moment, even if it hurts. Please, Princess, come be in the moment with us. This is me fighting. For you, for us, for our family, and for Noah and Belle, because they aren’t here to beg you themselves. Fight, Princess, just fight.”

  As usual, I stay for a while because it’s nice to have someone to talk to even if she doesn’t talk back. Somewhere, deep inside, I know she doesn’t want to be alone any more than I do. Darren cocoons himself with Cadence at night, but I just roam this empty house in search of something I still haven’t found. Peace.

  Leaning over, I kiss the top of her head as I do each night. “Goodnight, Princess. Maybe try listening to some upbeat music tomorrow instead, huh?” I send her a link for “Going Home” by The Score and hope she’ll send back something.

  It’s one in the morning, but I’m not tired. I look at my guitar longingly from across the room and pick up my phone to text the one person I never thought I would.

  Are you awake by any chance? Not an emergency or anything.

  Eli: Wide awake and bored as hell. What’s up?

  I need to talk. About Mel, about music, thought maybe your offer was still on the table?

  Eli: Want me to come over? I can be there in about fifteen minutes.

  That would be great, thanks.

  Who would have ever guessed Eli Watts and I would become friends?

  He shows up in a pair of sweats and a hoodie.

  “Are you sure you were a teen heartthrob? Remind me again why women lust over you.”

  “Fuck you, Weston,” he replies, laughing as he steps inside.

  “Hey, it was a compliment.”

  “All part of my Shawn Lucas training.”

  “Liar, but how’s that going anyway? Want a beer?”

  We head to
ward the living room. “Yes on the beer if you’ve got an extra bed for me, and the Shawn stuff is going well. He’s a talented kid.”

  He already knows there’s a bed here with his name on it these days. “You’re only a few years older than him,” I say, handing him a beer.

  “Yeah, but his energy makes me feel like an old man. I like it though; it’s fun to be helping someone for a change. Don’t get me wrong, I love making music, but you guys aren’t the only ones who have thought about hanging up your hats. Just working with Shawn makes me realize how much I love hanging out in the studio and creating new music.”

  We sit on the couch and get comfortable. I’ve got Nate’s monitor out here, although I should be able to hear him if he gets fussy.

  “That was our plan. Finish touring, open a studio, and help Indie bands break into the scene with fair contracts and no BS.”

  “And now?”

  I peel the label off my beer and kick my feet up on the table. “Now, I can’t write. I can’t pick up my guitar without feeling an enormous amount of guilt and sadness and loss. I’ve always been two things: Noah’s twin and a musician. Both of those things have always gone hand in hand.”

  Eli leans forward. “Did Mel ever tell you about me? Like what I was like when I was younger? Besides the asshole who fucked her over?”

  “Nah, she pretty much stuck to the asshole part.”

  He chuckles. “I’m not sure I can blame her. I lost my way for a long time. All this Hollywood shit pulled me so far away from my roots it was like I was plucked from the ground and never quite replanted the same way.”

  His expression is wistful before he flashes me a shy smile. “I was raised in a small Christian town. I was a choir boy, and my dream was to be a pastor when I grew up.” Eli laughs as I raise a brow at his confession. “I was a kid, what can I say? Even though I rarely go to church anymore, I’m still a pretty faithful person.”

  “I would have never guessed. Not because you’re a bad guy or anything, but you’ve got the lifestyle down.”

  “Yeah, I know. After I cheated on Mel and realized I wanted to spend my life making her happy, all I wanted to do was quit music, move back home, and raise a family with her. Neither one of us would have probably been happy. This is where she was meant to be. She’s had a hard life at times, but I knew when I saw her and Noah together, she was meant to be a Weston.”

  I know that’s not easy for him to admit to me, but I’m glad he did.

  “Anyway, around the time I was struggling and missing Mel, I started getting into Christian music. I’ve always loved gospel, but these Christian rock and alternative rock bands like Switchfoot and P.O.D. started resonating with me. I could listen to them for hours. Sometimes, listening to them was better than any therapy I could buy.”

  Nate fusses on the monitor and then starts to cry.

  “Hold that thought. Can you heat up one of his bottles while I change him?”

  “Yup, I know the drill.”

  Eli has been helping out just like everyone else. He and Rory barely talk anymore. I’m pretty sure their relationship is in the shitter, but Rory can be spoiled at times and they never really seemed like a good fit to me anyway.

  After changing Nate, we meet Eli back in the living room.

  Eli sets his beer on the table. “Can I feed him?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I pass Nate to Eli and watch as he feeds him. For a brief moment, I wonder if he and Mel will get back together someday. I shake the thought from my mind quickly, but I guess Eli wouldn’t be the worst guy in the world for her to end up with.

  Nate settles into Eli’s arms easily. It’s almost like he senses Noah’s loss and Mel’s indifference and compensates for it by absorbing love from everyone he comes into contact with. He’s such a good baby.

  “She’s missing out on so much, it breaks my heart.”

  He took the words right out of my mouth.

  “She was scared when she found out she was pregnant. It didn’t last long though. As the pregnancy progressed, she and Noah were so excited. Now she’s stuck in this void where all she does is miss Noah and Belle while convincing herself she’s cursed. We’re going to have to get her help, Eli, and I’m afraid it needs to be sooner than later.”

  He stares down at Nate for a long time before looking back at me. “Nate looks like Noah. Those eyes, that hair, his smile, even his personality. But inside, he’s Mel. He’s strong, Sawyer, and he’s a fighter. He made it out of that accident too. And maybe he wasn’t hurt, but I guarantee he fought to make it in the midst of all that destruction. Mel may not look like it, but she’s fighting, she’s processing, and it takes her a while. When her mom died, it took a long time, and it was twice as bad when her dad passed away. I’d imagine losing Belle and Noah has knocked something inside of her off-kilter.”

  “What do you think we should do? Rory says we need to have her locked up or something along those lines. I’ve been trying to ignore her because it won’t end well.”

  Anger flares in his eyes. “Rory needs to mind her own fucking business. Everyone processes things differently. Remember, Mel is still hurting. She’s dealing with pain, sorrow, and post-partum hormones. I think she needs to go back to therapy because she’s not going to get through this easily, but give it a week. Let her get her cast off and see what happens. Sometimes, people get stuck on what they can see, and that cast is her last … let’s call it a bandage … she has left to shed from the accident. Everything else is psychological. Maybe losing the cast will help.”

  “Maybe you’re right. I guess a few more days can’t hurt. So you and Rory?”

  He sighs and pulls the bottle from Nate’s mouth since he’s sleeping again. “Sorry, I know she’s your sister. She hasn’t said anything?”

  “Nah, we aren’t close. I’ve tried over the years to mend the riff here and there, but she was always closer to Noah, and I was always closer to Diane. Now that Noah’s gone, I want to get to a better place with her eventually, but sometimes, Rory can make trying difficult. We’re just really different.”

  “I didn’t realize. She never talks much about her family. I think Rory just likes to be her own person.”

  I laugh. “Is that your way of calling her selfish?”

  “No—"

  “It’s okay if you are. Whatever you say, I’m not going to run to her. Well, not unless you cheated or some shit.”

  “Um … no. I learned my lesson with Mel on that one. Rory is independent. She wants to stand on her own, and that’s a good thing. But Rory also reads into things. Even before the wedding she would ask about my history with Mel. Like she didn’t trust me or her, I’m not sure.”

  Fucking Rory, always nosey.

  “That sounds like her. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not her fault. It’s why we’ve taken things so slowly. Relationships are hard when you’re famous. I thought she’d understand because she’s your sister, but that jealousy is alive and well with her. At times jealousy can be sexy, but when your job is to travel almost all the time, trust has to be paramount. I think we’re essentially broken up; we rarely talk anymore, it’s just a matter of cutting the strings. But the day we had plans to meet up, was the day after the accident and I guess it’s just been in a holding pattern since.”

  It sounds like Eli, and I have a lot more in common than I thought.

  “I love Rory, but she’s the baby of the family and has milked that status for years. Her maturity level reflects it. Noah spoiled her most of all, but the two of them had an unbreakable bond, and I know she’s hurting right now.”

  Eli tucks the blanket tighter around Nate. “And that’s why we’re still in a holding pattern. I don’t want to hurt her more. It doesn’t bother me to still technically be dating. Rory is a cool chick, and I do like her. We’re just not right for each other, at least not right now.”

  “So … were you? Trying to get Mel back?”

  His laugh startles Nate, and Eli quickly rocks him back to s
leep. He lowers his voice “Not at all. Having Mel’s friendship is priceless to me. I’d never overstep that boundary. Especially not when I could tell how happy they were together. I hesitate to say it was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love because I want that for her again someday, but it was something special.”

  We sit silently for a few minutes before he takes Nate back to his room. When he returns, he grabs two more beers from the fridge.

  “Do you ever hold him and try to memorize every second and hope you’ll be able to do it justice when Mel finally asks about his early weeks?”

  I lean back and take a long draw from my beer before answering. “Yes, and I tell her about him every night when I go to her room to talk to her about our day. All while holding out hope that some way, somehow, Noah can see it or feel it through me, through our bond. It sounds crazy, I know.”

  “Nah, it sounds faithful, which takes me back to the music. Have you ever heard “Even If” by MercyMe?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “I’m going to text you a link. Tonight, when you go to bed, listen to it and just let it soak into your mind. It kind of reminds me of your situation right now.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  Eli lies back on the couch and stretches out, looking at the ceiling. “Look, Sawyer, I’m no expert on anything, but I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason only God knows. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced something as fucked-up as this, and it’s even had me questioning my faith. Finally reconciling with Belle only to lose her has me twisted up in knots. On one hand, we were friends again, and I don’t ever have to wonder what if. On the other hand, we lost so much time because I was an idiot. That’s why I’m here now. I’m not going to lose any more time with anyone. And I meant what I said. If you want to work through music or play some guitar, I’m down. No one ever wants to play guitar with me.”

  Chuckling, I lie on the other half of the sectional. “That’s because you’re a pop star and pop stars don’t know how to play guitar.”