Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  “Lies, all lies. I learned from the best.”

  “Do you know how jealous that makes me? Joey Triton is a fucking legend. Maybe we should play together; it would be like learning from the king himself.”

  “That’s what I’m talking about. Give it whatever time you need to break through your block and then we’ll talk more.”

  My best friend is in the room down the hall with his daughter, but I’m baring my soul to Eli fucking Watts. I swear I heard Noah say that in my head and it makes me smile.

  “I don’t want to be broken musically because Noah is gone. I want to play for both of us as a way to keep him with me.”

  “You will in time. Everything happens when it’s meant to.”

  I wonder if Mel realizes how much Eli believes in Destiny. She seems to have a thing for men who believe in things bigger than us. Noah’s Fate, Eli’s Destiny … Hell, for our brief encounters, my belief in Karma would probably even fit. Maybe if she ever comes back to us, I’ll point it out to her one day.

  Eli knocks out and begins lightly snoring, so I make my way to my room so I can try to get some sleep. I put the song he suggested on repeat and listen to it again and again. It resonates deep within me. Maybe if I can build up my courage to start playing or writing again, I can use it as leverage to pull Mel back into our orbit.

  The next day, I face my fears and pick up my guitar. At first, it’s difficult. With every chord I play, my heart aches. Switching tactics, I put down my guitar and grab my journal instead. As soon as I pick up the pen, the lyrics begin to flow.

  It’s the cathartic release I’ve been waiting for. With the night of the accident at the forefront of my mind, the words come in a rush. My hands tremble as the fear I felt running to their bus comes to the surface. The terror I felt as their screams met my ears has me breathing heavy even now. The relief of finding Noah and Mel alive was short-lived but the hardest part to acknowledge as the memories bleed onto the page … My deeply hidden feelings for Mel. My heart stops at the realization, and my world comes crashing down.

  When I found her after the accident, I attributed my relief to my thankfulness she was alive. I’m still thankful—that isn’t up for debate—but as I look at the last words I wrote, I know these aren’t fictional liberties at play. Those feelings I don’t want to have anymore are seeping to the surface. Now is not the time.

  Blood oozes

  People scream

  Smoke rises

  Where’s my queen?

  Darkness closes in

  Fates collide

  They are welcomed

  To the other side

  But not you

  Not my queen

  Even if …

  You wear his ring

  I pick up my guitar again and try a couple of potential melodies, but nothing fits and it still feels wrong. But when I look down at the words on the page, I know I want to do this. I pick up my phone and text Eli.

  Offer still good to help me through my musical slump?

  Eli: Definitely, what are you thinking?

  I got some lyrics down which was easier than playing. I need help with some music. Whenever you’re free?

  Eli: Tomorrow work for you?

  Perfect.

  Eli: See you then.

  “What do you think, Noah? Me and Eli fucking Watts are making music together. I’m not sure if you’d get a kick out of this or if it would piss you off.”

  I look around my room and wish he’d come through the door again. I need to get some photos of us put up in here. Maybe it will help me feel closer to him. In the meantime, I’ll keep working on The Sunshine Project, taking care of Nate and Mel, and warding off as many of the media requests as I can. I’m not inclined to give another interview as long as I live, so it’s not a hardship to decline them.

  The other guys never really seemed to care much about giving interviews, but I think Wyatt and Darren are with me.

  There’s just nothing left to say.

  Missing

  Mel came back from the doctor a few minutes ago and went straight to her room. Darren and I were on the floor with Mom and the kids when Rory followed her, Eli shooting a disapproving glare at her back. Within minutes, we heard Mel and Rory arguing. By the time I made it to her room, I heard the slap and looked up in time to see Mel stagger backward. While I yell at Rory, Mel apologizes and runs out.

  All the anger I’ve had building against Rory comes to a head.

  “I can’t believe you just hit her! Who the hell are you? Noah would not be okay with this!”

  Rory cringes under my rage, but I don’t give a flying fuck. Mel literally just walked into the house from getting her cast off, went to her room to decompress from the day, and Rory went off.

  “She took off in Noah’s car,” Darren says as he comes back inside.

  “Fuck!” I pull my phone out of my pocket as my fury takes over. “Mac, I need you to track Noah’s car and Mel’s phone. Just monitor them for now but keep me updated, okay?”

  As I’m talking to Mac, Mom takes the kids into the nursery, and Eli and Rory’s fighting echoes through the house.

  “That’s it, Rory, I’m done. You’re petty and childish, and you should never put hands on anyone. Especially someone who is mentally lost, grieving, and recovering from a deeply traumatic experience.”

  “I’m grieving too!” Rory screams back at him.

  “You are, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. You lost your brother, but Mel lost her husband and best friend all at once. She was there, she witnessed it and lived through the carnage, so you’ll have to excuse the fuck out of her if she isn’t where you think she should be!”

  “Why is everything always about Mel? What about that little boy in there who needs his mom? What about my family who is coddling her on top of what they’re going through?”

  I can’t take it anymore. Rory needs to shut up and grow up.

  “Enough! Rory, you need to leave. What you did is unforgivable, and if Mel ever lets you see Nate again, you should consider yourself lucky. I don’t care how pissed you are or how much you’re hurting, you don’t ever have the right to hit someone. Mel is barely hanging on to reality right now. How are you going to feel if you just gave her the final straw to push her over the edge?”

  Her mouth drops, but I don’t give her a chance to reply.

  “It doesn’t matter. Get out of my house, and don’t come back until I say you can. Even then, do not show your face again until you’re ready to apologize to Amelia.”

  Tears stream down her cheeks as she gathers her things.

  “I was only trying to help,” Rory sobs as she leaves.

  “I’ll go with her. The babies are napping peacefully. Keep me posted on Mel, please,” Mom says with a quick hug goodbye.

  After Mom leaves, I don’t know what to do with myself. As I pace the room, my phone buzzes.

  Mac: She’s at Target.

  Okay keep monitoring her, please.

  Mac: You got it.

  “I’m sorry, Sawyer. I shouldn’t have blown up at Rory like that in your house.”

  “It’s fine,” I tell Eli as I sit with him and Darren on the couch. “I’m glad Mel has someone who has her back. Mac says she’s at Target.”

  Darren smiles. “You know damn well that’s her happy place. Maybe she just needed to feel human again. I bet that’s a good sign.”

  I rub my temples and wish away my sudden headache. “I want to be optimistic, but my gut tells me something is off.”

  Eli leans forward, propping his elbows on his knees. “Well, your sister just hit her. Mel isn’t in the state of mind to deal with that right now. The last thing I want to do is bail on you guys, but I’m supposed to meet my manager for dinner. Never mind, I’ll cancel. I should be here.”

  “Dude, that’s your job. We’ll call you when we know something,” Darren tells him. I’m still not sure if Darren likes Eli or not, but he puts up with him easier these days.

  “Da
rren’s right. We’ll keep you updated. Right now, she’s shopping. If she doesn’t come back soon, I’ll let you know.”

  Eli seems unsure, but he finally relents. “Okay, but I’m only going to be downtown. I can be back in an hour.”

  After Eli leaves, I get a new text from Mac.

  Mac: She’s at the bank.

  My mind spins in so many directions, it’s hard to think. Mel could just be getting some money or checking her balance. Or she could be running. Clothes and a suitcase at Target, money from the bank. As I text Mac, I head into her room.

  Watch her closely. I want to know the next place she goes and if you see the car is even starting to move in the direction of any of the local airports, let me know.

  Mac: You got it, should I be worried?

  I don’t know. Rory hit her and Mel fled like a bat out of hell.

  Mac: Why?

  Because in Rory’s fucked-up mind she was helping.

  Mac: Lord help us all.

  Amen

  Mac: I’m coming to the house. Ryan is going to monitor while I’m gone. It will be easier for me to keep tabs on her from the office.

  See you soon.

  “What are you looking for?” Darren asks as I stand in the middle of Mel and Noah’s room.

  I start opening drawers. “Passport, pills, goodbye notes, anything … everything. She’s at the bank now.”

  “Sawyer, she didn’t have time to write a note. She grabbed her purse and ran. I’m sure she’s fine. Maybe she wants to see how rich she is now.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Sorry, bad joke. Do you want me to help?”

  I drop down to the bed and close the nightstand. Noah’s scent invades my senses. If only he were here to help guide me on this.

  “Nah, her pills are all in the drawer, and I have no idea where she keeps her passport. I know she loves Nate, so I really can’t see her running that far away. Maybe she just needs time, maybe it’s this house, or fuck, maybe it’s me.”

  Darren sits and tosses an arm over my shoulder. “It’s her grief. Nothing more and nothing less. It’s been less than two months since the accident. Getting out of the house and going somewhere that doesn’t have that medicinal smell and remind her of the hospital is probably going to help her in the long run. She loves us, she’s just a bit more lost than we are right now. Have some faith in her, Sawyer.”

  “I’m so fucking pissed at Rory.”

  “Oh, I’m with you. I’ve never wanted to hit a woman before, but I wanted to hit your sister tonight.”

  “She’s lucky Mel didn’t hit her back. She’s got a decent right hook.”

  Darren laughs with the memory. Those were the best times of our lives.

  “I just realized something.”

  Darren stands and looks out the window “What’s that?”

  I follow suit, watching as the sun begins to set and the seagulls fly in search of their last chance at a snack. “Even though we had some really great times on tour, I think having Belle and Mel with us made our tour even better.”

  “It’s because they’re basically the female versions of us. Belle was definitely mine. I have a confession to make.”

  “Yeah? What’s that?”

  Darren doesn’t look at me he keeps his focus on the ocean.

  “I can’t close my eyes anymore without seeing Belle lying helpless on the highway. And when I dream, she’s either awake in my arms and okay, or I relive her being in my arms and never waking up.”

  “Fuck, man, why didn’t you say something sooner? I would’ve … Hell, I don’t even know.”

  He wipes away his tears and shoves his hands in his pockets. “It’s why I keep Cadence close. She grounds me, and even though I wake up knowing Belle is gone, I’ve still got my baby girl. Belle lives on through our daughter. She’s going to hate me when she’s growing up because I’m going to watch her like a hawk. And don’t think I’m ever going to let her hop on a tour bus with Nate. History will not repeat itself.”

  “Maybe you should talk to someone. I know it’s hard, and it can take a long time, but from personal experience, I can tell you those images don’t just go away. And as far as the kids go, I don’t want Nate on a bus either, but if he sings or plays like Noah or Joey did, I’m not sure if I can stop him. Not to mention, if Cadence gets your drumming skills, the two of them could be selling out stadiums just like us.”

  “Sawyer!”

  Darren and I rush out of the bedroom, abandoning our conversation as Mac’s voice carries through the halls.

  “Hey, Mac, any news?”

  “She’s at the cemetery. Do you want me to go there and wait?”

  We all have equally pained expressions. Mel didn’t get out of the car for the funeral. Plus, we all saw how she lost it at the church.

  “Not yet. Keep tracking her though. She didn’t say goodbye then; maybe she needs to do it now.”

  Both the kids start crying at the same time, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. Mac heads to the office while Darren and I get them settled again. Nate’s smile after I change his diaper is priceless, and I wish Mel would hold him or at least spend some time with him and let his love wash over her.

  As the hours pass, I’m starting to freak out, and I’m not the only one. Mom has been texting me, and so have Eli and Diane.

  Darren paces the floor. “Sawyer, maybe we should send Mac or go ourselves. It’s getting late, and the cemetery closed hours ago.”

  It’s after eleven now. What in the world is she doing at the cemetery after dark? Maybe she’s sitting in the car sleeping or thinking.

  “I’ll go if you can watch Nate. I don’t want her to feel like we’re ganging up on her. I’ll call if anything is off.”

  “No,” Mac intervenes, “I’ll go with you, and we’ll take Noah’s keys. If you need help, I’ll be there. If not, one of us can bring back Noah’s car.”

  “Good idea. You still good with Nate, Darren?”

  “Go, Sawyer, I’ve got this handled. It’s my night with him anyway, but keep me posted.”

  “Will do.”

  Mac grabs my keys and Noah’s spare set. I want to drive, but he won’t let me, so I don’t even bother complaining. As he drives the road that has become all too familiar, I turn to him.

  “Do you think I waited too long? Do you think she’s … alive?”

  “She’s fine.”

  “You say that like you know.”

  Mac looks at me before glancing back at the road. “Because I do. My job is to protect all of you. Do you think I haven’t had a guy at the cemetery since she got there?”

  “Jesus, Mac! Why didn’t you say something?”

  “You didn’t ask, and after the guard on duty told me what was going on, I thought Mel needed some time.”

  “What did he say? Who is it anyway?” I don’t know all of his men well. I prefer to keep Mac or Ryan with us at all times if possible.

  “Jon is with her. Well, he’s there. She’s unaware. He said she’s been talking and crying and has a sleeping bag.”

  “Fuck. This is all Rory’s fault. Who the hell sleeps in a cemetery? How the hell did she even get in there?”

  Mac chuckles. “Paid off the groundsman. Mel paid him to let her in and pretend he didn’t see her. Jon paid him double for the key with the promise to return it before morning.

  She’s in a cemetery at night, planning a sleepover with her dead husband and best friend. I don’t know what to do at this point. This is beyond healing; this is worthy of admission to a psych hospital.

  “How much did she pay him?”

  “A thousand bucks. He said he did it because he knew who she was, that he was a fan, and he thought she needed some privacy. He also passed along his condolences. He won’t say anything, he could lose his job.”

  “Thank you for looking out for her, for all of us.”

  “There is no need to thank me. You guys are family, and family sticks together. I only wish we weren’t in this situ
ation.”

  I guess I’ve taken for granted that they’re working through their grief too. God, I’m an asshole.

  “Hey, Mac, you and Ryan should take some time off. Have some of your guys take over. I’m sorry. I was so caught up in everything I didn’t think to offer sooner.”

  Mac turns off the lights and pulls behind Noah’s car before turning to me. “We’re good, Sawyer. For guys like us, working through the pain helps.”

  “I won’t argue, but please let me know if you change your mind.”

  “Will do. What do you want to do now?”

  We get out of the car, and I look up at the brightly lit moon. Jon appears out of the shadows.

  “Is she okay?” My whispered words are heavy with worry.

  “She’s been asleep for the last twenty minutes or so. This place creeps me out, but she’s a tough cookie.”

  “Let’s wait a bit longer and see if she comes out on her own. If not, I’ll go in and get her.”

  While we’re waiting, I send Mel a link to “Hemorrhage” by Fuel, hoping she’ll understand the meaning and wishing she’ll text me back. She doesn’t, and while I try to wait patiently with Mac in the parking lot, almost two hours have passed since we arrived. I’ve been texting with Darren and Eli for hours but it’s two in the morning and I’ve got some decisions to make.

  “All right, I’m going in. Mac, please wait in Noah’s car, and then you can follow us home. Jon, if I don’t need the key to get out, you can leave and return it unless Mac needs you for anything else.”

  Not waiting for their decision, I brace myself and head inside to find Mel.