Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  Her words sink in slowly, but I don’t want to think about what they mean right now. “I love you too.”

  At the door, she turns around. “Are you going to let Mel watch your video if she asks?”

  “No.”

  “I figured as much, but just keep in the back of your mind that there may come a day you probably should share it with her. Especially if Noah was right.”

  She ducks out of my room before I can reply, and she’s lucky because that was one dig too deep.

  After the holidays, I had more time on my hands. I’d picked a board to run The Sunshine Project. All major decisions were still mine, and I was still involved in most of the day-to-day stuff, but what used to take me hours now only took minutes. After I opened the dorm to the students, I backed off a bit. It won’t be forever, but it’s painful to do it without Noah, and I want to focus on moving forward right now.

  Once Mel started taking care of Nate, it became routine for us to check in with each other at night. Some nights we met in her room, and some nights we met in mine. Occasionally, Darren joined us, but mostly he hunkered down in his room with Cadence after bedtime. I was worried for him, but he had lots to process.

  One night, Mel had such a bad nightmare she flared her back injury up while sleeping. I gave her some pain medicine, and finally, my journal. It’s been over five months since the accident, and her therapy is going well, but she’s not making any progress on her nightmares. While she was waiting for her medicine to kick in, she filled me in on what Noah wished for me in life. I was blown away when she told me Noah wanted to be my manager and for me to go solo. But she could have knocked me over with a feather when she admitted Noah wanted me to be Nate’s guardian if anything ever happened to them. I left her alone with my journal and went back to my room to think.

  If anyone could have convinced me to go solo, it would have been Noah, but even with him as my manager, I’m not sure I could have done it. Now we’ll never know.

  I’m still thinking about how I feel about Noah trusting me enough to be Nate’s guardian when Mel appears at my door with tears streaming down her face.

  “Is it true?”

  “Is what true?”

  “You have pictures of Noah and Nate?” She comes closer, and I grab my phone from the table. These pictures have haunted me, but I could never find the right time to give them to her. She never seemed strong enough to handle them.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t show them to you sooner. I wanted to, but with your injuries, I was waiting until you were better. Then there was the incident at the cemetery and the therapy. I wasn’t sure when a good time would be.”

  She climbs into bed with me. “Now, Sawyer. A good time is right now. Please.”

  She gasps as I hand her my phone. At first, she smiles this brilliant, beaming smile I haven’t seen in ages. She’s fucking gorgeous when she smiles like that. But then her expression crumbles and her tears start again, followed by heaving sobs.

  “Thank you, Sawyer.”

  I put my phone aside and pull her into my arms.

  “They’re backed up on my computer and the cloud, and I’m pretty sure everyone in the family already has them too. I didn’t want to take any chances losing them. You can thank Veronica for that, it was her idea.”

  Mel continues to cry, but her words are flowing. When she relaxes in my arms, I know her pain meds have finally kicked in. She keeps apologizing for being selfish no matter how many times I tell her it wasn’t her fault and it’s not anything she needs to be sorry for. We all break and heal differently. As she falls asleep wrapped in my arms, I realize there is so much truth in that. If I didn’t have Princess and Nate, I would’ve lost it. I don’t think I would have realized my significance in this family. I would have drowned in my grief for Noah and probably would’ve OD’d by now. Helping them saved me, and with that realization, I tuck Princess closer to me and enjoy our closeness.

  She’s my best friend, and with each passing day, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep those old feelings from resurfacing. But I won’t wreck this because I can’t lose her. I can’t lose Nate, and no matter how much I once wished we could have it all, I don’t want her at the loss of my brother.

  Maybe I can enjoy the feel of her in my arms though, just for tonight.

  A few hours later, Nate wakes me up screaming. Mel is out cold, so I tuck the blanket around her and extricate myself.

  “What’s wrong, Nate? That’s not your usual cry.”

  He looks up at me with those big green eyes that match mine, and his bottom lip quivers. As soon as I scoop him into my arms, he starts gnawing on my arm, and that’s when I feel the sharp prick. The corner of one little tooth is poking up, but it looks like he might be getting one right next to it too. Poor guy is in pain, and he’s a little warm. Time to text Diane. I know she keeps her phone on for her patients.

  Hey, Nate is getting teeth and he’s warm and grumpy. He can have baby acetaminophen, right?

  Numero Uno: Yes, just read the box and don’t give him more than it says. I put those teethers we got him for Christmas in the freezer when we were there last time. Give him one to chew on and make some coffee. You’re in for a long night.

  Thanks, sorry to wake you.

  Numero Uno: It’s okay, are you all right? Where’s Mel?

  I’m okay, Mel’s sleeping. She had a bad dream and hurt her back again. I had to give her pain meds. Actually, that’s a lie. I’m pissed this is something Noah isn’t here for. It’s never going to stop hurting.

  Numero Uno: I’m sorry to hear about Mel. I’m pissed too, and I’m sad. But if Nate is going to have a man in his life, I’m glad it’s you.

  Me too.

  Numero Uno: Let me know if you need anything else. Otherwise, I’ll check in tomorrow. Love you.

  Love you too. Goodnight.

  “Come on, little guy, let’s get you some medicine and something cold for those gums.”

  He’s a little fussy for the next few hours and won’t leave my lap. The medicine seems to help, and so does the teether. A little before dawn, I finally manage to get him to take a bottle, and he falls asleep on my chest. One tooth poked all the way through, and the other peeked out a bit. I think that helped with the pain.

  I wake up to Mel’s screams of joy at Nate’s new teeth, but it quickly fades to sadness because Noah isn’t here for them. I understand the feeling. I’m proud as fuck to experience all of this with them, but the joy should be Noah’s.

  When Mel says she’s going to watch Noah’s video today, I’m floored. It’s about time. I’m supposed to have lunch with Lola today, but I immediately cancel.

  Sorry, can’t do lunch today. Something came up.

  Lola: I’m disappointed maybe dinner soon?

  She’s trying to move this into a date. I guess it’s the least I can do for canceling on her.

  Sure, I’ll be in touch soon to figure out when and where.

  Lola: Sounds good. I’ll be looking forward to it.

  After talking to Darren about Mel, I follow her into the nursery and listen to her talking to Nate from the door.

  “You know, Nate, Mommy, has been a mess since Daddy and Auntie Belle went to heaven. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get my life back on track, or if there will ever be a day when I’m not sad. You make everything better, baby boy. Mommy has to do something really hard today, so you’re going to spend the day with Uncle Darren.”

  “If you want my opinion, you’re not doing any worse than anyone else in your situation would have. It takes time and patience, Mel. Fortunately, we’ve got that in spades.”

  She doesn’t turn around and doesn’t reply.

  “I canceled on Lola. Noah’s video wrecked me, Mel. Even if Darren can help with Nate, someone needs to be here for you.”

  With Nate in her arms, she spins around, eyes flashing with anger. It’s sexy when she gets fired up, and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her this way. “I don’t want to be your bu
rden, Sawyer, and I don’t want to get in the way of you living your life. Even if it is with Lola.”

  “Whoa … take three steps back and breathe, Princess. Number one … you’re not a burden, you are my friend. Number two … I get to choose how to live my life and family never gets in the way, family is always priority. And number three … what’s your beef with Lola?”

  Is she jealous? As she rolls her eyes and inhales deeply, I’m oddly flattered.

  “Nothing. I just heard she was bad news back in the day and don’t want to see you wrapped up with someone like her. Noah wouldn’t either.”

  Ah, she’s defending my honor. That’s cute. I lean against the wall and flash her my signature cocky smirk. I shouldn’t egg her on, but I’ve fucking missed this side of her. “You know she used to date Noah, right?”

  “Yeah, and I heard she showed her inner tramp and he dumped her ass.”

  “She did, and he did, and I’m sure you also heard I turned her down too. I’m not interested in Lola, Mel.”

  She sighs sadly but looks me straight in the eye. “It’s not my business if you are.”

  “The hell it’s not.” I’ve been watching over her for months. She’d better have my back when I need her to.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Sawyer.”

  “I want you to say you’re going to hold me to a higher standard, Mel. I want you to say you’re going to call me on my shit. I want you to say you’re going to do anything and everything in your power to keep me in line like Noah would have! I’m doing everything Noah would have wanted and expected of me and I expect for you to do the same.”

  “Sawyer, you’re a grown man and it’s not up to me to keep you in line. But I have called you out on your shit since day one and I will continue to do so. If you want me to tell you when I think Noah would agree or disagree, I can easily do that. Stay the fuck away from Lola. I don’t know if she’s crazy or just a whore, but one usually follows closely behind the other.”

  Yes! I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. If she weren’t about to watch Noah’s video, I’d be tempted to make her celebrate this milestone. My Princess is officially back.

  “There she is. I was beginning to wonder if the snarky bitch inside you was still there. I’m glad to see she was just taking a breather.” With a quick kiss to her cheek, I take Nate from her. “I love you, Mel. Thanks for showing me you still care.”

  Shit, did I really just say that? I mean, I love her to pieces, but I hope she didn’t take it wrong. The last thing I’m going to do is hit on Noah’s wife. Maybe I need to go to the bar and get laid. It’s been a long time since I’ve been acquainted with anything other than my hand.

  Later that night, I’m in my room alone in the dark. Mel cried in my arms for hours after watching Noah’s video today. I understood her pain all too well. Then I had to talk to her about Noah’s EP. I could tell right away she didn’t like the idea of monetizing it and releasing it to the public. Even if it is for a good cause, that album was his gift to her, and he poured his entire heart into it. Every song was hand-picked to say all the things he wanted her to know.

  Noah told me he was doing it because Mel wanted more of his voice and because music is a huge part of who she is. Then he said something that has stuck with me since.

  “It’s not like you to go outside of your comfort zone like this,” I said to him as he finished laying down one of the first tracks.

  “I’d do anything for her, Sawyer. Even if it means making myself uncomfortable.”

  “Maybe that’s how you know it’s love,” I replied, and he laughed.

  “True story. But you know, it’s not so bad. People say words all the time, but unless they’re listening, most people don’t actually hear what you’re saying. You know music bridges that gap. When people are listening to music, they’re hearing and feeling it all. The pain, the sadness, the love, and the hope. Even if Mel is still struggling to hear the words when I talk, my hope is that she’ll hear them in these songs and they will eliminate any doubts she may have about us.”

  In that moment, more than any other, I realized how much my brother loved Mel and was reminded how much we were alike. After all, that’s why I’d started sending her songs in the first place, right? To tell her all the things I hid from the world but wanted her to know.

  I tried like hell to break away from her even more after that, and I was doing a good job until we got to New York. Try as I might, even when we weren’t talking that much, the songs were how we communicated. Every once in a while, when I didn’t send her one, she still sent me something. It just became our thing. Never did I think I was stealing a piece of her heart from Noah by doing that, but now I wonder if that’s exactly what happened.

  I don’t care one way or another if Mel releases the EP. Part of me wishes she wouldn’t, but I do want her to make an informed decision, and I think the only person who can give her a truly unbiased opinion about what Noah would want, besides me, is Wyatt.

  Hey, I talked to Mel about the EP

  Wyatt: How did it go?

  About as well as we thought.

  Wyatt: Well that’s that I guess.

  I was thinking you should come talk to her.

  Wyatt: Me? Why?

  Because you were Noah’s best friend. You’ll tell her the truth, and I think she needs to hear it.

  Wyatt: You were his brother that should matter more.

  Come on Wyatt; you were his brother too in every way but blood. She needs you right now.

  Wyatt: Okay I’ll come by tomorrow afternoon.

  Hey Wyatt, we need to see more of you. If you don’t want to come here, we can come there. Nate and Cadence need to know their Uncle more than they do.

  Wyatt: I know … I’m trying Sawyer.

  You don’t have to try with us just come sit and be. Eventually, things will fall into place.

  Wyatt: Okay

  See you tomorrow.

  Wyatt: Later

  A few minutes later, I get a text from Anna.

  Bethie: Thank you, Sawyer.

  For what?

  Bethie: Checking in, reminding Wyatt that he matters too.

  I should have been doing it more often, I’m sorry. We miss him.

  Bethie: And he misses you guys. I think your text was all he needed to give him a push. He’s been doing better. The baby helps.

  I’ll text him more, promise. Love you.

  Bethie: Love you too. Xoxo.

  Wyatt comes over the next day and lets himself in while I’m feeding Nate in the nursery. Mel is down at the beach getting some much-needed alone time. We try not to bother her when she’s down there because the beach was a special place for her and Noah. As much as I love the beach, I’d much prefer my house by the creek. It’s been a while since I’ve been there—I should probably go check in. Maybe take Nate for a road trip and show him the treehouse where Noah and I spent so much of our youth.

  “He’s grown,” Wyatt muses from the doorway.

  “He has. Do you want to take over? You could probably use the practice.”

  Wyatt grins but seems apprehensive. “Come on, Wyatt. This kid should be like an extension of you already. Noah wouldn’t want you keeping your distance.”

  He steps forward. “Okay, sure.”

  I get up out of the rocker, and he takes my spot before I pass Nate to him. Wyatt’s eyes glass over as Nate looks up at him with curious eyes. “Hey, little dude, remember me? I’m your Uncle Wyatt.”

  As Nate sucks down the bottle, his eyes grow heavy, and I sit on the loveseat in the corner.

  “I need to talk to you about something, but I feel like you should watch your video from Noah before I do.”

  “Wyatt, I watched that video the week of the funeral.”

  “Seriously? How did Anna and I not know that?”

  “You’ve been out of touch, and it’s not only your fault. I guess when we did talk it just didn’t come up. I kept it a secret from my par
ents for a while because they wanted to see it and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but Mel’s known since the day she finally held Nate. Fuck, man, we miss you.”

  Wyatt blinks back his tears. “I’ve missed you too,” he says, his voice raspy. “Part of the reason I stayed away is because I have to tell you something. It’s something Noah told me in the helicopter after the crash, but it’s something that was in my video too.”

  My stomach bottoms out. Noah’s damn videos are going to haunt me forever, and I can’t even be mad because they’re such a blessing to have.

  “Is it bad?” I whisper.

  “That depends on how you look at it. Part of me thinks maybe you need a couple of shots before we talk, but another part …” He looks down at Nate and grins.