Just an Illusion - Encore

by D. Kelly

  “Fucking hell, Princess!” The picture in front of me is heartbreaking. I see her in the distance curled into a ball between Noah and Belle’s graves. “Are you okay, Mel?” I ask, lifting her and all her shit into my arms.

  “I’m lost, Sawyer. I’m just so fucking lost,” she’s sobs, and I clutch her tighter to my chest.

  “Me too, Mel. I got you, okay?” With each step closer to my SUV, I swear my heart sighs in relief. After setting her in the front seat, I tug the sleeping bag off of her and strap her into the seatbelt before getting into the car myself.

  I try steadying my hands as I pull away. Mac pulls out behind us but keeps the lights off. Good man. There’s no need to make her feel worse.

  “You can’t disappear like that, Mel. Do you have any idea how scared I was?”

  “I’m sorry. I just had to escape … Rory and just everything … I needed to breathe, Sawyer. Noah’s video taunts me from where it sits unopened on the dresser, Nate weighs so heavily on my conscience. I don’t know how to live anymore, Sawyer, but I don’t know how to die either!”

  She did not just say that. I veer off the road and slam on the brakes before giving her my full attention. “You don’t get to die, Princess. Not now, not on my watch. We will figure out a new way to live and it starts tomorrow for both of us. If you don’t want therapy yet, I can respect that, but I’m done giving you the easy way out. Tomorrow, you are going to start being the mother you’re supposed to be. You’ll do it for you, for Nate, for Noah, and for me because I can’t do it all by myself anymore, Mel. I can’t be alone.”

  The dam breaks again, and my head falls to the steering wheel as my chest heaves with sobs. Mel reaches over and pulls my hands away from the wheel. Surprised, I look up at her as she unbuckles her seatbelt and I do the same. She throws herself at me and wraps me in a hug, and we cry together. Once we’ve composed ourselves, I release her—though I wish I didn’t have to—and put my seatbelt on. After she clicks hers into place, I make my way back onto the road and head home.

  “How did you find me?”

  “Tracked Noah’s car. I knew where you were for hours, but I thought you needed time. Once it hit midnight, though, I started to worry something had happened to you.”

  I chance a look at her, but she’s staring out the window. “Something did. I think I officially lost my mind tonight.”

  “Maybe you’re finally getting it back. The last few months have been hell, Mel. We’re all bound to break at some point, but it’s what we do after the break that defines us.”

  “I’m going to need you, Sawyer.” Her words wrap around me like a healing balm.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Princess.”

  We’re quiet for the rest of the ride, but I look over at her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s okay. I can’t lose her too, and I’ve got to figure out how to fix this before it’s too late.

  Darren is pacing the hall when we walk inside. As soon as he sees Mel, he scoops her into a hug. Why can’t she see how much she means to us? How much she’s loved?

  “Are you okay?” Darren asks as he releases her.

  “Yeah, I guess I am.”

  “You should have hit her back,” Darren snaps angrily.

  “She didn’t deserve to be hit, she was doing what she thought was right. We’re all just doing what we can. I get it.”

  Princess doesn’t get to defend Rory, not for this. “I told Rory to stay away for a while, Mel. No matter what she was trying to accomplish, she didn’t have the right to hit you. Not now, not ever.”

  “I’m going to lie down. Goodnight, guys.”

  I follow her as she walks down the hall and don’t fail to notice she pauses right outside of Nate’s nursery and peeks in. Maybe that unexpected trip did her some good. Or maybe she’s thinking about saying goodbye.

  “Get some sleep, Mel. Tomorrow, we’re going to tackle motherhood,” I give her hand what I hope is a comforting squeeze before going into my room to text Eli and Darren. We need to come up with a plan.

  Darren comes to my room, and we call Eli. I fill them in on everything in detail instead of the abbreviated text versions.

  “Sawyer, do you think she’s suicidal?” Eli asks hesitantly.

  “I’m not sure. I think Mel’s lost and doesn’t know where her place is anymore. Noah gave Mel a home and made her his best friend. She relied on him for the comfort and stability she’d been missing for years. Now … she’s worse than ever, at least emotionally.”

  Darren speaks up. “We need to try harder then. We need to make her want to be here with us. I’ll see if I can get Wyatt to come by soon. He’s been MIA a lot lately. Fuck, maybe we’re failing everyone. We have to work harder to keep everyone together.”

  The last thing I need right now is to feel guilty. I don’t even get time to process my own grief these days.

  “Guys,” Eli says, “you’re all still processing everything. Things will fall into place as time passes. Priority number one is getting Mel some help. I’ll come by in the morning, and I’ll get in touch with her therapist too. She was seeing someone my cousin referred her to. I’ll find out who it is.”

  “Yeah, that sounds good. Mel paused outside the nursery tonight. I told her we’re tackling motherhood tomorrow. It’s do or die time. I can’t keep letting her pass on taking the next step, not after tonight.”

  “I’ll bring my guitar. We can stay busy but present. See you two in the morning.”

  Eli hangs up, and Darren paces the room.

  “We can’t lose her, Sawyer.”

  “We’re not going to. I think we’re finally getting her back.”

  Cadence’s cries echo through the monitor in his hand. “Duty calls. See you in the morning.”

  As I’m lying in bed, the events of the day bombard me, and I send Mel the link to “The Great Escape” by Pink. This song says everything I’m feeling right now without us having to have a sad, depressing conversation. No matter what happens, I’m not going to lose someone else in this family. Instead of sleeping, I pick up the journal next to my bed that I’ve been writing in since the accident. If I can get my words in order, maybe they will give Mel some peace from her nightmares. She still wakes up in fear most nights because she can’t remember the accident or she remembers bits and pieces. There’s nothing worse than living through something awful, except living through it and not being able to put the puzzle together. I’m going to help make her whole again, one memory at a time.

  Finding Our Way

  Mel began her metamorphosis the next day. I tried to play it cool while she held Nate for the first time, but inside I was a mess. I was happy for her and Nate, but I was also terrified it could be the beginning of me losing them. She gave him his first bath, and I helped her through it. It was then I realized how much I’d changed in the weeks since the accident. I didn’t feel like the same person anymore, and I guess that was a good thing. Without Noah, I’d never be the same again.

  Over the next few weeks, Mel started coming back to us. She went back to therapy and started taking shifts with Nate. I refused to let her take over completely—my time with Nate was my favorite part of the day. At night, when it was only the two of us in the nursery, I’d talk to him about life, Noah, Mel, and our family. It was my bonding time with my nephew, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to give it up.

  I’d also given in and started talking to Lola. We texted at first but gradually moved to phone calls. I’m trying to believe she’s changed, and it’s nice to have interactions with someone removed from my immediate family. It seems Lola might give me a chance at having some normalcy in my life.

  With Mel’s birthday on the horizon, it’s hard to believe it’s been over a month since the night at the cemetery. She still has her problems, but she’s come a long way in a short period of time.

  I’ve been in my room for the past few hours working on some music while Mom visits with the kids. There’s a knock at my door, and I close my journal.<
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  Knowing my reprieve has ended, I sigh. “Come in.”

  Mom smiles as she peeks her head inside. “It’s nice to see you being creative again.”

  After tossing my notebook aside, I pat my bed for her to sit. “It’s not the same, but I’m trying. I think Noah would want that.”

  “Honey,” she says, sitting beside me, “I know he’d want that for you. Noah only wanted you to be happy. I want to talk to you about Mel’s birthday. I was thinking maybe a small family dinner to celebrate.”

  “No, Mom. Mel doesn’t like celebrating her birthday. We can work on that next year, but I think we need to respect her wishes this year.”

  “But it’s her birthday, and we need to remind her that she’s family.”

  “Mom, her birthday is a difficult day for a multitude of reasons. I’ve already talked to her about it, and you have to trust me. No production. Call her or text her, but it needs to be low-key.”

  She tsks me with a disapproving gaze but reluctantly agrees. “Okay, Sawyer. Next year, we give her the Weston family birthday she deserves.”

  Lord help her.

  “Thanks, Mom.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.

  “Sawyer, have you watched your video yet?”

  It’s one thing to avoid this topic, but I’m not going to lie to her face. “Yeah, I have.”

  “I figured as much. Are you going to let us watch it?”

  I open my bedside table drawer and pull out the plastic container I have it in for safe keeping. “Mom, I’m conflicted about this video. I’m giving it to you with the understanding that you won’t judge me and you won’t push me one way or the other about what Noah says.”

  As I pass the container to her, her eyes well up with tears. “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’ll bring it back soon. Sawyer, you should know by now that judgment has no place in my heart, especially when it comes to my children. You’re my son, and I love you. Whatever life choices or mistakes you make are yours to live with and learn from. I’m here for you whenever you need me, in whatever capacity that may be.”

  Although I knew that would be her stance, it’s a relief to hear her say it again.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  A little later that night, I pull out the framed photo I had made for Mel’s birthday. I’m listening to “Flying High Falling Low” by Walking on Cars and debating on giving it to her. Noah would have gone all out for her big day—party, presents, people—but my gut tells me all she needs this year is time to reflect and a good memory. Money isn’t going to buy her happiness, especially not this year.

  Firming my resolve that this is the right choice, I wrap the photo of everyone together last year on her birthday. I don’t think she’s ever seen it. In the morning, I’ll pop by the local bakery and get her a cupcake. Birthdays should always be celebrated with cake, and you only turn thirty once. Besides, knowing Mel, cake for breakfast will make her smile. If I’m lucky, it will be a real smile, one that means she’s feeling everything deep down in her soul.

  After giving Mel her present, I decided to take a drive. The next thing I knew I was standing in front of Belle and Noah’s graves.

  “Hey, guys. I’m sure you know Mel’s birthday is today. The big three-oh.”

  It’s a nice day with a brisk breeze, but that’s common for November. The skies are clear, and the sun is shining. It’s a far cry from the darkness I was shrouded in last time I was here.

  “I can’t help but hope the two of you are together wherever you are. Things here have sucked, but I think we might be at a place where we move forward. It’s scary. The one good thing about being in a holding pattern for so long was not having to think about what life would be like without you two. It’s hard for everyone, but man, Mel had us worried for a long time.

  “She’s a great mom, Noah. It was hard at first, but damn, once she finally took that pivotal first step and wrapped Nate in her arms, I was prouder than I’ve ever been. It took everything in her to take that risk. Like you pointed out in your video, she thinks she’s cursed and is going to pass that curse to Nate. I think she’s slowly realizing the benefits of being his mom far outweigh any imagined risk.

  “Belle, Cadence is just the cutest little girl. She’s had a rough time adjusting to you being gone. She’s a smart cookie, and she knows something is different, but Darren is the epitome of a perfect father. There isn’t a need she has that isn’t addressed and taken care of. They’re two peas in a pod, and she helps him get through the night. He started talking to my old therapist. I don’t think anyone else knows, but he’s having a hard time getting those last images of you out of his head. I am too. You guys didn’t deserve to go out like that. No one does.”

  I look around to be sure I wasn’t followed and to double-check that there aren’t any photographers. I probably should have considered that earlier. It’s been a little better—the calls and emails have slowed. There isn’t anything to know, and no one is getting an exclusive into what happened that night. No one is profiting from our pain.

  “I’ll bring flowers next time. My car kind of drove here on its own. I’m trying to keep my promises to you, Noah; I hope you can see that. As far as your video goes, you eased my guilt a lot but I’m not sure about Mel and me. If you could have known how she’d be affected by losing you and Belle at the same time, you wouldn’t have asked. I think that makes a big difference in why she lost herself. She’s still lost.

  “I’ve been working on a journal. I’m going to give it to her to read soon. Maybe it will help her remember the accident in clearer detail. I knew from her dreams she couldn’t put it all together, but when she confessed how hard it is for her to be missing those moments, well … now I want to share it with her. I only hope the knowledge she gains will outweigh the pain it brings. I’ve been gone a while, and since it’s her birthday, I want to get home. We love you both and miss you every day.”

  With my hands tucked in my pockets, I walk to the car while blinking back tears the whole way. I’m disappointed and proud of myself because I didn’t cry, but that means I’m moving farther away from the pain. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

  Right before Thanksgiving, I got a text from Anna. I thought it had to do with Wyatt since he’s been pulling away from us. I don’t think he has figured out how to be with us without Noah. If only he’d talk about it, he’d realize he isn’t alone.

  Bethie: I have something important to tell you, but I’m not supposed to.

  Way to be cryptic. Are you okay?

  Bethie: More than. Wyatt wants to wait until Thursday, but you’re my person, Sawyer, and I want you to be the first to know. We’re having a baby!

  I immediately call her.

  “Hey,” she says softly.

  “Bethie, for real?”

  “Yes, one hundred percent.”

  For the first time since the accident, I’m excited and happy about something. “I’m going to be an uncle again. Congratulations! Why wouldn’t you call me?”

  “I wanted to, but Wyatt wanted to tell everyone together.”

  “You know he won’t hear it from me, but I imagine you’ll tell him anyway.”

  She laughs, “I probably will.”

  “Is he okay Bethie? I’m worried about him, and now that you’re not too far away, maybe I should start checking in more. It’s just been hard with the kids and Mel.”

  The sound of a door closing echoes in the background. “He’s not doing great, but he’s been better since we found out about the baby. Right now, he’s just lost in the fact Noah won’t ever know our child. He misses his best friend, and he’s being overprotective of me, but I think he’s coming around.”

  “Darren and I miss our other best friend. I know he and Noah were close, but please remind him we’re still here and not having him around makes everything harder.”

  “I will, and we’ll see you in a few days. I think the holidays and the kids will put everything back into perspective for him. It’s hard for h
im to see Nate too. Once he realizes how fast he’s grown, I think his take on that will change.”

  I look at one of the photos on my nightstand of the four of us together and wish we could go back to those happier times. “We can’t wait to see you guys. Love you, Bethie. Congratulations again.”

  “Love you too, Uncle Sawyer.”

  The weeks passed, and the holidays came and went. Cadence and Nate became a walker and a crawler respectively, and Saylor and Emme couldn’t get enough of them. As a family, we tried to mimic a normal holiday, but nothing was as festive or the same as before. I took over Noah’s meals to the hospital for the holidays, not only for Dr. Martin but also for the hospital in Utah. They were great to us all and were just as devastated as we were when we lost Noah.

  Mel and I stayed sufficiently liquored up through the season—her more than me—but we all made it through. When my family finally packs up to go home, it’s a relief. We’re in this weird place where everyone is trying way too hard to be normal, and it’s backfiring.

  Before leaving Mom returns my video from Noah. She doesn’t say anything, but I can see all the unasked questions in her eyes.

  “You promised.” I remind her.

  “And I meant it. I won’t ask any questions, but I want to say something.”

  I can tell it’s important to her and nod my permission.

  “You and your brother had a bond that I can’t even begin to understand. Even though I’m his mother, I know his loss has hit you the hardest. If I could take away your pain, I would, but maybe I can ease it.” Mom pauses and looks around my room at all the newly hung photos of our friends and family. “Sawyer, you’ve always felt deeply and loved fiercely. That compounded with your fearlessness made it hard at times to know how to guide you when you always seemed so grown already.”

  “You guided all of us well, Mom.”

  She sighs. “I hope so. I’m trying to say Noah knew you best. That’s hard to admit, but it’s the truth. Someday, maybe you’ll want to talk to me about Mel, maybe not. But I’ve thought long and hard, and I hope you can take Noah’s video for the gift that it is. The universe has a way of righting itself when things go haywire, and I think Noah’s video to you is exactly that. Now, I’m going home with all of my beautiful gifts and love in my heart. I love you, Sawyer.”