Stella

by Helen Eve

  I hold the dress against myself as I look in the mirror, watching it shimmer.

  ‘Katrina also convinced Penny and Lila to choose a gold theme,’ he adds. ‘She’s pretty clever, actually: she made them think it was their idea.’

  ‘Why would Katrina do this?’ I wonder out loud.

  ‘She found out why you got so upset at Edward’s party,’ he says softly. ‘And I thought you should wear gold because—’

  ‘Luke,’ I say.

  He ignores my interruption. ‘Because you’re like sunlight to me.’

  I mentally sift through the things I could tell him if I knew where to start. How would it feel to shed the solitude I wear like corsetry; to lie beside him with no secrets to separate us? How would he feel if he knew that I chose Edward four years ago believing it was best for him, and that recent events have proven this to be correct? Would it be right or fair to tell him that I’ve spent the last six months wishing I’d stayed away from him and kept him from the pain?

  There’s no need to tell him this, because as I cross the room towards him – as I press my palm against his and know that no touch will ever mean more – I know I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, have changed a single thing.

  I take a deep breath. ‘I love you.’

  It’s all I can say; all that makes sense to me. He, at last, is all that makes sense to me, and his expression shows that he knows this.

  Chapter Forty-five

  Caitlin

  A knock on the door woke me before the rising bell rang, and it opened before I could answer.

  ‘I had to see how it looked this morning!’ Katrina said excitedly as she rushed in and sat beside me on the bed. She was already fully dressed for Election Day.

  For a second I wondered what she was talking about, and then I put my hands to my head as my memory came back.

  I’d spent an hour the night before kneeling over the bathtub as Katrina dyed my hair. Under normal circumstances I’d never have stooped to something as low-rent as a home kit, but time was limited and I didn’t want to give myself the chance to back out.

  ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ I’d asked several times as my naturally cautious nature threatened to re-emerge.

  ‘I’m a pro,’ she’d reassured me. ‘I might even make beauty therapy my career, if quantum physics doesn’t pan out.’

  Now I sat up, grabbing the mirror from my night-stand and staring into it. My fears had been unjustified.

  ‘How do I look?’ I asked, trying out my reflection from different angles.

  Katrina’s initial excitement seemed to fade. ‘You look like…’ she said confusedly. ‘I didn’t realize it would … I mean, why did you want to do it?’

  ‘I needed a new look for Election Day, of course,’ I said. ‘My old hair was so boring and brown.’

  She tried to smile as she walked to the door. ‘It’s definitely not boring and brown now.’

  I heard her greet someone outside my bedroom. Recognizing the voice, I jumped up, pressing my ear against the keyhole.

  ‘Where have you been?’ Katrina asked. ‘Didn’t you sleep in your room last night?’

  ‘I was with Luke,’ Stella said, as if it didn’t matter that I could hear. ‘All night.’

  ‘And?’ Katrina asked. ‘What was it like?’

  Suddenly Stella’s voice cracked, like she was crying. ‘Like nothing will ever be the same again,’ she said.

  She lowered her voice after a moment’s silence. ‘Thank you for – you know. It means a lot to me.’

  ‘I’m glad it does.’ Katrina’s voice was soft.

  ‘And…’ Stella took a breath. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I know you are,’ Katrina said.

  * * *

  Voting didn’t open until midday but there were no classes. I checked my emails to pass the time and stared at a photograph of my mom and Charlie preparing their Central Park picnic – a July Fourth tradition that Mom had never made time for in living memory.

  Have a great day, Charlie! I jabbed at the keyboard, trying to feel happy that his relationship with her was shaping up so much better than mine had. If it had taken losing me to show her that her kids were important, at least I’d taken the hit for someone who truly deserved it. Love you, I added with a long row of kisses, hoping this would make up for the curious detachment I’d started to feel from them both.

  Then I turned back to the mirror, adding lip gloss and practising my camera smile. I brushed my new blonde hair, tossing it back and forth so that light reflected off it and made it shine. With this spectacular new look, no one would be talking about what had happened last night. And I had no reason to worry about my election chances either. Edward was a pro; he’d be able to continue as if nothing was wrong. The speculation would probably count in our favour, not to mention the fact that we were the only candidates left in the running anyway.

  I picked up my handbag – I was the first Star to have the new Petunia – and headed out.

  Chapter Forty-six

  Stella

  Mary-Ann is waiting for me by the hall.

  ‘I’m glad you made this decision,’ she says. She smiles at me for the first time in weeks and laces her hand shyly with mine.

  ‘Do you think I’m doing the right thing?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes,’ she says firmly. ‘It’s a snake pit. You don’t need this in your life.’

  She stops me before we walk in. ‘You should know that Ruby is a Star again,’ she says nervously.

  ‘I’m glad she is,’ I say, meaning it.

  Most of the Sixth Form is already inside, and I see Lila, Penny, Ruby and Katrina whispering by the voting booths. I make to avoid them, but Lila turns and nudges the others.

  ‘Is this for real?’ she asks as Mary-Ann steers me towards them. ‘Are you here to withdraw?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Caitlin can be your candidate, just as you wanted. I don’t want anything to do with the election. I don’t even want to be a Prefect next year.’

  They look blindsided.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Penny ventures. ‘If you aren’t a Prefect … what will you be?’

  ‘I’ll be normal,’ I say.

  ‘And so will I,’ adds Mary-Ann. ‘I don’t want to be a Prefect without you.’

  Penny looks to Lila for guidance, and I’m relieved not to be the person they consult anymore. ‘We’ll discuss this later,’ Lila reassures her.

  Unexpectedly, Katrina grabs my hand. ‘One,’ she whispers.

  I take hers, putting it on top of mine. ‘Two,’ I say.

  Mary-Ann takes Ruby’s hand; three. Penny takes Mary-Ann’s; four. Lila pauses for a moment and then takes Penny’s, five, before adding her own; six.

  Stars aligned, we whisper fiercely.

  And then I look at the doorway, and thoughts of alignment evaporate.

  Chapter Forty-seven

  Caitlin

  ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Stella asked as I walked over to her. She was as composed as ever, but I knew her better now and I could tell she was scared.

  ‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said nonchalantly.

  ‘Your hair!’ She sounded stunned.

  I smiled. ‘It’s the biggest day of the year, right? I had to make a special effort.’

  Stella didn’t take her eyes off me as the other Stars looked from one of us to the other.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Penny asked uncertainly.

  ‘Nothing,’ Stella and I said in unison.

  Lila was losing interest. ‘We need to get going, then. We’ve got lots to do. Party planning is such a high-pressure responsibility.’

  ‘And I need to find a date,’ Penny complained for the fiftieth time. She was still dating the stable hand, but the Stars’ latest debate, proposed and won by Lila (This house believes that no outsiders should attend official school functions with Stars), had ensured that they wouldn’t be going together.

  ‘I should have let my dad hire me one of
his clients. But it seemed so desperate to go with someone from Holby City,’ she sighed.

  ‘Especially if you had to pay them,’ Ruby giggled.

  ‘I heard you’re here to withdraw,’ I said to Stella, partly to restore some sanity to the conversation. ‘I guess that means you can just kick back and enjoy Elevation without any pressure.’

  In her heels she was as tall as me, and she stared with an intensity that made me uncomfortable, as if she knew more about me than I’d ever told anyone. ‘I don’t know where you heard that,’ she said.

  I took no notice of her. She was a spent force. If she were a celebrity, this would be the moment she joined a cockroach-eating reality show. But the others were as mesmerized by her as they’d ever been.

  ‘What?’ Lila asked. ‘Stella, what are you talking about?’

  Stella ignored her, as if she and I were the only people in the room. ‘I’m still in,’ she said firmly.

  ‘You’re what?’ asked Luke.

  Stella spun around, guilt written all over her face.

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Stella

  ‘You’re what?’

  Luke looks as if someone’s hit him. I suppose I might as well have done; a hammer blow would probably have hurt him less.

  ‘You lied to me.’ He stares at me as if desperate for a clue that I’ve changed my mind; as if he can remind me of everything that happened last night. ‘You said you were coming back.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I have to compete.’

  ‘You have to,’ he repeats. ‘Why do you have to?’

  I look to Caitlin, whose golden hair glows in the midday sun. She is Siena; more Siena than I will ever be, even after years of training.

  ‘I don’t understand what’s changed in the last hour,’ he says, trying to force my attention back to him. ‘Is this because Caitlin has a new haircut?’

  ‘It’s nothing to do with Caitlin,’ I say.

  I still can’t tear my eyes from her, but in a way this is true, because it’s not Caitlin I’m seeing.

  ‘Stella, listen to me,’ he says quietly. ‘There’s a life waiting for you outside this. I know you think it’s the election or nothing, but you’re wrong. It’s the election or everything.’

  I try to listen to him, but Caitlin’s blonde hair is my new centre of gravity. I think of withdrawing; of living for the next year under the rule of this profanity. And I can’t let her do it without a fight.

  ‘I hope Luke isn’t too upset with you, Stella,’ Caitlin says. ‘Don’t forget, you can’t run without him. You need a partner.’

  I look at Luke in despair.

  ‘What are you asking me?’ he says. ‘To run in an election I don’t believe in and can’t win so you can play games with these silly girls?’

  No one speaks, but I beg him silently with every fibre of my being.

  ‘I’ll do it,’ he says finally. ‘I’ll do it as long as you understand I will never speak to you again after tonight.’

  ‘I understand,’ I whisper.

  I remember how it felt to spend the night with him; to feel as if nothing mattered but him. But I must have known what was going to happen. The die was cast before we even met.

  ‘I hope that one day you’ll realize what you’re forfeiting,’ he says as he turns and walks away.

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Caitlin

  After Luke stormed off, Ruby took the floor.

  ‘Caitlin is a true friend,’ she said grandly. ‘And I’m going to repay her by withdrawing from the election. I want to stand alongside her, not against her.’

  There was a short silence, during which I hoped no one would mention that they’d forgotten Ruby was still a Head Girl candidate.

  ‘Wow, Ruby,’ I said. ‘That means so much to me.’

  I smiled meaningfully at Lucy. ‘Ruby will be a great Prefect next year.’

  It didn’t really matter if Lucy was standing or not – she was at worst an inconvenience – but it seemed a waste of her time. Not to mention that she was going to be humiliated when the results came in, and that she’d totally mess up the symmetry of the photographs.

  I hoped she’d be smart about this. Being a Prefect would mean a lot to her: she was the only candidate who had actually bothered to write some policies, and she should really be considering her options. Without Mary-Ann and Stella, there would be a vacancy, and, if she didn’t fill that sixth spot, someone else would.

  Caroline, as Ruby’s manager, was looking pissed. She evidently hadn’t been consulted about Ruby’s decision to withdraw and was a useful pawn.

  ‘Thanks so much for your support, Caroline,’ I said, still looking at Lucy. ‘I won’t forget it next year when I choose my Prefects.’

  Caroline brightened up considerably. ‘You’re welcome, Caitlin. You know I’ve always supported you.’

  ‘I’m withdrawing,’ Lucy burst out. ‘I don’t want to stand against you either, Caitlin.’

  I smiled. ‘You’re such a good friend, Lucy.’

  ‘So there are just two candidates after all?’ Lila said. ‘You and Stella? Well, at least one of you is going to win.’

  ‘It looks that way,’ I said, although Lucy’s decision had only served to make this official. There had always been only two candidates.

  As the group disintegrated, I joined Luke on the stage. All the candidates were supposed to be here when voting opened, and it seemed a good idea to be on view, but Luke was visibly tense as the students gathered around us.

  ‘Where’s your partner, Richings?’ someone shouted. ‘Don’t tell me she’s dumped you again?’

  ‘What about yours, Clarke?’ added a different voice. ‘Doesn’t true love wait after all?’

  Laughter broke out and I felt myself blush red.

  ‘Just ignore them,’ Luke said quietly. ‘You’re still going to win.’

  ‘I know that, but we look lame without our partners,’ I complained. ‘Where the hell are they?’

  A group of kids came in late, swinging open the double doors to show Edward and Stella huddled closely together outside. His arm was around her shoulders and it looked like they were kissing.

  ‘Don’t you get sick of always being second best?’ Luke asked abruptly.

  ‘What does that mean?’ I asked, trying not to sound annoyed. Hadn’t he noticed all the Vote Caitlin rosettes in the crowd?

  He looked as if someone had broken him, but his voice was steady. ‘Do you want to go to Elevation with me tonight?’

  ‘Are you trying to make Stella jealous?’ I felt I should ask this, even though I really didn’t care.

  He leaned in and it took all my willpower to stay still. Finally, slowly, he moved even closer. ‘You’re shaking,’ he said.

  I was pleased that we were on display to everyone. I tilted my head so he couldn’t block me from any cameras.

  He hesitated. ‘I’m worried you’ve built this into something it’s not.’

  I haven’t. I wasn’t sure whether I spoke out loud. He kissed me softly and I shivered. ‘You’re so innocent,’ he said.

  ‘I’m not that innocent.’

  The door swung open again as Edward entered, and I hesitated for a fraction of a second as I considered the effect on our election chances of me publicly kissing the opposition. But then I saw Stella watching from outside, and my lips were on Luke’s.

  Life as the new girl had been tough, but as Luke and I kissed we became the power couple that everyone envied. I headed the most popular clique in school. I had a hot guy. I was top of the class. People not only looked up to me; they wanted to be me. I was a success, and as a permanent fixture at Temperley High my opportunities were endless. As I stepped into the void Stella was about to create, no one could stop me from getting everything I deserved.

  Chapter Fifty

  Stella

  Edward catches my arm as I pass him outside the hall.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he asks. ‘Did you withdraw?’

>   ‘Edward,’ I say. ‘Tell me what’s happening to me. What’s happening to us? How did everything go so wrong?’

  We both take a step back and then sit on the floor. I draw my knees up underneath my chin and turn towards him, hoping for an answer.

  ‘Sometimes…’ he says. ‘Sometimes when I close my eyes, your face is all I see.’

  I shift uncomfortably as a group of Fourths walks past. Just as they throw open the hall doors, Edward leans forward and kisses me. I freeze as his lips touch mine before gathering my senses enough to pull away.

  ‘I have to go,’ I stammer. ‘Edward, this can never happen.’

  ‘But isn’t this supposed to happen?’ he says. ‘You and Luke are finished; Caitlin and I are finished. It’s Elevation Day. You can see where this is headed.’

  ‘No one knows where it’s headed,’ I say. ‘Why can’t we make our own futures?’

  ‘You can’t have it both ways,’ he says, and for once he is just sad, with nothing to mask it. ‘You knew what you were doing to me, even when you were twelve years old, and every year since.’

  And Katrina’s words chime with their truth.

  You stop Edward sleeping with other girls because you don’t want to lose your hold on him.

  I’ve let him believe there was a way back for us because I wanted there to be; because I was determined to be with him as Siena was with Jack. I’ve kept him from other girls in case that meant the end for us; because even though I loved Luke in a way that couldn’t be contested or ignored or changed, I couldn’t set Edward free.

  Edward stands and turns back to me as he opens the double doors. ‘I understand it now,’ he says. ‘And if it could only have ended like this, at least it can end right here.’

  Before he’s swallowed up I see Caitlin and Luke kissing, right in the middle of the stage, underneath the portrait of Siena. From this distance, either Caitlin or Siena could be me.

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Caitlin

  ‘Where have you been?’ I asked Katrina when I tracked her down in her room later that afternoon. ‘You’re missing the fun.’