Every Time It Rains

by Nikita Singh

  ‘Ha! So he had the last laugh.’

  ‘I’m glad he did, truly. Good for him. And again, selfishly, it makes me feel better that I didn’t scar him for life.’ Laila shook her head, remembering how mean she had been as a teenager. ‘Your turn.’

  JD told her about the time he threw a stone at a stray dog when he was nine and his friends dared him to. They spent the rest of their date sharing horrible stories about themselves and determining who the worse person was. Laila watched JD as he talked animatedly about the horrible things he’d done in his life, and all she could think about was how perfect it would be if she could just sit with him and tell him everything about herself. She wanted to know everything there was to know about him. She wanted to spend the rest of her life in conversation with this man.

  They could catch up on each other’s lives, find out everything that ever happened up until they met and once they were all caught up, they could build a life together. She wanted to share her life with him—past, present and future. Her feelings towards him overwhelmed her. She felt a wave rise within her, but she was more excited than afraid.

  By the time they got dessert, they knew more about each other than the people they’d probably known for years. Most of these were terrible secrets, but sharing their imperfect actions only helped them remove the façade of perfection and reveal themselves as human. Soon after, they walked back outside slowly, JD’s hand around her, resting lightly on her elbow. Laila didn’t want the night to end; she was enjoying being with JD too much and she could feel that he felt the same way in how he held her close to him as they walked outside. Just as they were about to reach the gate, he stopped and turned to her.

  ‘Is this where I collect my first kiss?’ he asked, grinning widely at her.

  Laila blushed and looked away like a silly teenager. Then she came back to her senses and met his eyes. ‘I still think you have no idea what you’re getting into,’ she whispered.

  ‘Come on, what are you talking about? I know all of your deep dark secrets now!’

  ‘Not all of them.’

  ‘Aw, you’ll tell me when you’ll tell me. What’s the rush, right? From what I do know about you, I think you’re exactly the person I need in my life. And this isn’t just the romantic in me who thinks you’re perfect and is in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I’m saying that even thinking like you do—from a practical point of view—I think that you’re perfect for me. There’s a song for it too—“kabhi kabhi mere dil me, khayaal aata hai …” but it’s not right for the occasion, because I’m about to say something very important to you, which you know but refuse to see.’ His smiled faded a little and JD hooked his finger under her chin and pulled it up. He studied her face and said, more seriously than he’d been all night, ‘I think if you stop denying how you feel, you might just realize that I’m perfect for you too.’

  ‘Is that so?’ Laila raised her eyebrow.

  ‘Yes, ma’am.’

  ‘I’ll give it a thought, if you’re that confident.’

  The words had barely left Laila’s mouth when she found JD’s face inches away from hers. She felt his breath on her mouth, but only for a second, before his lips touched hers and his arms circled around her back and pulled her closer to him. She stood on the tip of her toes and kissed him back. She watched him for a second and smiled briefly, thinking about this kiss that had been planned for so long and how impatient he’d been. Then she closed her eyes and gave him the best first kiss she had promised him. Her hand reached around him and gently played with the curls at the nape of his neck as her lips played with his. Everything about him pulled her to him. She was wrapped against his chest, his warmth running through her body, all the way to her toes. When they pulled back for air, just for a second, she breathed in his smell and reached for his lips again.

  It was only when things began to get too heated that they pulled apart. JD bent forward and rested his forehead against hers as he breathed in and out rapidly. Laila had to catch her breath too. JD’s arms were still wrapped around her back, keeping her close to him. After a moment, they caught each other’s eyes and smiled in a part-shy, part-gleeful sort of way. The kiss felt like another secret they’d shared.

  Laila looped her arm around JD’s and they walked out of the gate without another word to each other. Outside, JD told the valet to get his car and they waited by the side of the road, trees covering them from direct light from the street. This time, their silence was far from awkward. It didn’t feel uncomfortable; Laila didn’t feel as if there was a need to fill it with words. They’d had enough words for the night, and so they stood there, side by side, occasionally stealing glances at each other, smiling about the many, many secrets they’d shared.

  17

  UNDERWATER

  Laila stood next to JD, perfectly happy, looking around at the road that wasn’t too busy, the middle-aged, kind looking watchman by the main gate and the small group of men a little to their left laughing loudly every once in a while. She looked up at JD, who caught her glance and began singing ‘Kabhi Kabhi’ under his breath.

  ‘Dude, shut up.’ Laila suppressed a chuckle and looked away.

  The valet brought JD’s car through the gate and stopped it right in front of them. JD walked around the car to tip him, which prompted the watchman to stand up too. As JD walked back toward the gate to tip the valet, Laila heard the group of men behind her call out to her. She paused on her way to the car but didn’t turn around. The valet came to open the passenger door, when they heard someone else call out. JD and the watchman, who were at a distance, couldn’t hear it.

  ‘Kahan jaa rahi hain, madam?’ one of the men sang in an exaggerated tone. He appeared to be in his mid-twenties, skinny in his loose shirt that had the first few buttons undone.

  Laila met the valet’s eyes and they both turned around to find the three men even closer to them than before. She ignored them and was about to get into the car when another one of them cried out, ‘Bahut jaldi mein ho?’

  ‘Arre, bata to de kahan jaa rahi hai?’ the first man asked again, louder this time, walking even closer to her.

  Against her better judgement, Laila spun around and spat, ‘Usse aapko kya karna hai?’

  ‘Ma’am, ignore karo, please,’ the valet said nervously, still holding the door open for her.

  ‘These people think they can say or do whatever to any woman on the street and get away with it,’ Laila muttered as she turned towards the car again.

  ‘Nothing will come out of talking to these people. Please, ma’am, sit.’

  ‘Talk to us also, naa! What’s wrong with us?’ the third man called.

  ‘What’s happening here?’ JD asked. He had returned to the car and was frowning suspiciously at the goons.

  ‘Nothing. Let’s go,’ Laila said firmly.

  JD looked at Laila for a second and nodded. He held the door open as she got in.

  ‘Abey, usko dekh. That’s who she’s with!’ called a loud voice from behind them.

  JD paused and looked back at the men, his hand still on the half-closed door.

  ‘Come with us also some night, naa. We’ll show you a good time,’ another voice said.

  ‘What did you just say?’ JD thundered.

  ‘JD, stop. Let it go!’ Laila stepped out of the car quickly and held his arm to stop him, just as JD took an angry step in the direction of the three men, who were clearly drunk and not worth their time or energy.

  ‘Ooh, look how angry he’s getting!’

  There was a loud sarcastic laugh. ‘Ha! Jaise kuch kar lega!’

  JD took another step towards them, but Laila pulled him back forcefully. They were now at only an arm’s distance from the goons, who had been walking towards them the entire time.

  ‘You need to leave right now,’ JD said through gritted teeth, glaring at them.

  ‘Accha? Or else?’

  ‘Come on,’ Laila muttered to JD and pulled him back. This time sh
e succeeded in bringing him a couple steps closer to the car, and was beginning to feel relieved about the situation having diffused before it got ugly, when the goons spoke again, making JD spin around again.

  ‘Haan, haan, le jaa,’ one man yelled loudly.

  ‘We don’t even want a whore like you,’ the skinny man shouted, his face scrunched up in disgust as he spat in Laila’s direction. As Laila jerked back to avoid it, she felt JD yank himself out of her grasp and launch himself at the goons.

  ‘HOW DARE YOU!’ JD barked, pulling his arm back and punching the skinny man right on his nose. He pulled his arm back only to punch him again, and again, and again.

  But Laila, who was pushed backwards against the car when JD forcefully jerked out of her grip, remained there, frozen to the spot. Her eyes were open, but could only see the kicks and punches in a vague blur. It was as if she was underwater. There was absolute silence. Her ears had tuned out the outside world completely. All she could hear was her own ragged breaths as she slipped down to the ground and tried to push away the vivid memories that raided her mind.

  She gasped for air as his grip tightened on her jaw.

  ‘No, stop. Please, don’t!’

  ‘Did you think I would never find out?’

  ‘Please, Abhi, it’s nothing like that. You have to believe me.’

  ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’

  Her head hit the wall with the force of his slap across her cheek. She felt her face heat up with sharp pain and she clutched her head in one hand and her cheek in the other.

  He pulled her towards him by her shirt collar.

  ‘Please, stop! She tripped over the coffee table and fell to her knees.’

  ‘He grabbed a handful of her hair and dragged her across the room.’

  ‘Abhi, stop it, Abhi! What are you doing?’

  He held her down on the floor with one hand holding both of hers over her head.

  ‘I SAID STOP.’ She jerked her hand away and pushed him lividly.

  He slapped her across the face again and this time, held her down by the tight grip of his fingers on her neck. His other hand ripped off her clothes angrily.

  Her eyes widened in horror as she realized what was coming next. Her words got stuck in her throat, squeezed shut by his fingers.

  Laila’s breath came fast and sharp as she sat on her knees against the car. She blinked rapidly to remove the images from her past from her head. The blurs in front of her slowly sharpened and the world came back into focus. And finally, she could hear more than the sharp ringing in her ears. It was as if she’d come up for air after being plunged underwater for hours, almost drowning in her past.

  ‘Sir, sir—jaane do,’ she heard the valet plead desperately.

  The watchman had arrived too and was in the middle of JD and the goon, trying to break them apart. Even though it seemed as if she’d spent a long time underwater, it had only been a few seconds. She shot to her feet and rushed to JD.

  ‘STOP IT!’ she screamed.

  JD, who was busy throwing a punch at the goon, didn’t seem to hear her.

  She pushed back the second man who reached for her and held JD tightly around his midriff. ‘JD, STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!’ she cried. The valet and the watchman were yelling at the goons who were hurling abuses at her and JD, but she had managed to pull JD off the man he was fighting. When they were a few steps away and the watchman and valet were successfully holding the goons back, Laila released JD and stood squarely in front of him, her hand on his chest. She was standing between him and the goons, separating them.

  ‘JD, look at me,’ she said firmly. ‘LOOK AT ME.’

  JD finally broke his angry glare and looked down at Laila, his expression pained. He was seething, his heart beating frantically under her palm.

  ‘Walk away,’ Laila said, pushing him back with both her hands on his chest. ‘Walk away, JD.’

  There was a crowd assembling around them, passers-by stopping to watch. More restaurant staff had appeared and were driving away the goons, who were moving backwards, still hurling abuses. The valet rushed to Laila and apologized profusely.

  ‘Get in the car,’ Laila muttered to JD, her face burning. She walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat. As soon as JD got in, she turned the key and zoomed away at high speed. Her hands shook as she clutched the steering wheel with all her might. JD was taking deep, rough breaths next to her. She drove fast, the tension in the car rising with every tortured breath they took, as if radiating from their skin and collecting in a thick cloud above their heads.

  ‘Those assholes—’ JD began angrily.

  ‘SHUT UP,’ Laila snapped.

  ‘What—?’

  ‘JUST—’ Laila exhaled loudly, then spoke deliberately. ‘Shut. Up.’

  When she stopped the car outside her house, she immediately grabbed her bag from the backseat and turned to leave.

  ‘Wait, Laila, are you all right—’ JD reached out and held her hand as she was about to get out of the car.

  Laila noticed the blood on his knuckles and asked, ‘Are you okay to drive yourself home?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your hand? Is it hurt badly?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ JD said quickly. He looked confused as he studied Laila’s face anxiously. ‘But are you okay? I don’t know what you’re thinking right now.’

  Laila pulled her hand out of his and got out of the car, without looking back at him. JD caught up with her just as she reached her gate. He put a hand on her shoulder and said, ‘Laila, talk to me—’

  Laila jerked away forcefully. ‘Don’t touch me!’

  ‘Laila—’

  ‘Leave me the fuck alone!’ she cried and rushed away. The stupid gate creaked again but she ignored it as she ran past the small lawn, up the stairs and to the front door. Her fingers shook violently, and she struggled to put the key in the lock. Once she got it in, she swung open the door, stepped inside, shut it behind her and suddenly, as if losing every last bit of energy, she collapsed to the floor with her head inside her hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

  She was drowning all over again. It was unbearable. Over the years, the waves had come over her repeatedly, pulling her back with them. But she had learned to face them. She liked to believe that she was getting better, forgetting, maybe even forgiving the past, but then something triggered the memories and took her all the way back to where she’d started. Who was she fooling? This was never going to end. There was no end to it. She would always live in that dark place he left her in when he died, leaving her with questions she tried to find the answers to every single day, and conflicts that took place within her constantly.

  Laila wished she had been the one that died that day; death was merciful. Only the living were punished and God knows if one of them deserved punishment, it was Abhishek. She hated him. She loved him, of course, she would always love him, but in that moment, she hated him more than she loved him. Why did he get to die and leave her battling all these impossible emotions and questions?

  She suddenly remembered JD’s face when he had launched himself furiously at the goon, pushing her away. She felt the hard, cool surface of the car on her back. She was deep underwater again. Her insides shuddered and she held herself together by wrapping her arms tightly over her knees, pulling them closer to her chest, as wave after wave came over her and left her shivering.

  There was a muffled noise coming from the dining room and in the next moment, Maahi appeared at the door. Her voice was uncertain as she called out, ‘Laila, is that you?’

  And Laila resurfaced again, the air finally reaching her lungs.

  18

  THE DARK

  ‘Laila, is that you?’ Maahi repeated, louder this time, taking another step towards her. She flipped on a switch, spilling light over the cowering form on the floor by the door. ‘LAILA! What happened?’ Maahi rushed to her and dropped to her knees.

  Laila sobbed harder than before when she saw the concern and panic on Maah
i’s face. She wiped her face and sat up straight.

  ‘Laila! Tell me what happened. Was it JD? Did he say something? Laila, did JD do something to you?’ Maahi held Laila by both her arms and frantically looked for answers in her tear-clouded eyes.

  ‘Nothing, it’s nothing,’ Laila spoke in a voice she didn’t recognize as her own.

  ‘No,’ Maahi said forcefully, shaking her head repeatedly. ‘There’s no way you’re doing this again. I’m not going to let you this time. You can’t keep shutting me out forever! There’s clearly something wrong and I mean—look at you. Laila, you have to tell me. I can’t see you like this. No, you HAVE to tell me, right now.’

  At that, Laila’s hands shot to her face to hide the misery she was sure it reflected. She had never talked about it before to anyone. No one knew about it, not even her mother, or her closest friends at the time. The friends she had, she’d grown distant from and eventually cut all ties with after Abhishek died, because she couldn’t keep this secret from them and still be reasonably normal around them.

  It was between her and her husband, and she had to keep his secret. He was dead, and what good could come out of tainting his memory? No, she couldn’t tell anyone about it. He had left his secret with her when he died, and now she had to keep it with her till she died. But right then, broken down on the floor, Laila felt as if the secret might kill her. And then she was overcome by another strong bout of hatred and rage, pushing her over the edge, towards insanity.

  ‘Okay, you want to know what happened? Fine, I’ll tell you what happened?’ Laila said savagely. ‘Remember that night I told you about my husband, the love of my life, the only man I’ve ever loved? How he died just months into our marriage?’

  Maahi, who was crouched before her, nodded rapidly, her eyes wide with fear.

  ‘What did you think when I told you he died? What was the first thing that it made you feel?’