Original Sins

by Kim Krizan

  Goddess created woman and saw that it was good. But the woman was lonely because she had no one to torment, so Goddess took a couple ribs from the woman and created man. Goddess saw that it was good. Woman went up to the mountaintop and Goddess gave her a holy tablet. On it were inscribed these sacred words: “Thou shalt be Fatale.”

  Legend has it that ancient man was in awe of woman’s reproductive abilities. She appeared a magical creature with god-like powers, capable of creating human beings—and seemingly from nothing. But one day man realized his part in the procedure and came to understand that the children she created also issued from him. The problem of knowing what “his” female was doing out of his presence and whether the children she bore were “his” could be rectified if he could control her— perhaps by keeping her in restraints, literal or social. Thus, the cautionary image of the rebellious femme fatale who refuses his control was born of man’s primal need to further his genes.

  Likewise, man was not able to control his attraction for woman. She seemed to lure him to her and swallow him with her “vagina dentata” (the vagina with teeth). Her appeal felt a kind of bondage, a spell. On some fundamental level she controlled him. What better reason to build an entire system of beliefs to skew the power away from her and back to him? If she controlled him sexually and emotionally, he would attempt to control her in every other way.

  But while there’s a compulsion to control women, men also can’t help the fact that they like everything, including dating and mating, to have a bit of challenge to it. If things are too sweet and easy, well, he just gets bored. That’s why he likes a girl who may look sweet (and easy, too), but on the inside he wants her to be the biggest lineman, the most vicious puncher, and the heaviest hitter he’s ever seen.

  Fun Wit Da Boyz

  Men absolutely adore mistreatment. They respond ever so well to disinterest, rudeness, disrespect, hellcat fights, and even abandonment. For some sick reason these behaviors drive them wild with desire, especially when they’re employed before and after bouts of kindness, gentleness, affection, attention, and interest. The trick is to interchange these forays into stereotypical nurturing behavior with enough she-devil shenanigans to keep a man thoroughly confused.

  In the movie “Bugsy,” a small-time actress named Virginia Hill, played to perfection by Annette Bening, meets Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, the handsome gangster who went on to create Las Vegas. How did Virginia treat him? Well, first she insulted the living crap out of him and refused to take his calls. Then she drew blood by hurling an ashtray at his head, flaunted other men in front of him, and left him standing in the desert as she peeled off in his car. Finally she stole money from him. Why? Because she loved the rat bastard, that’s why. Bugsy’s response? “Isn’t she magnificent?”

  Men love to test the boundaries so a Fatale will do well by employing maddeningly inconsistent behavior. She must be unpredictable, wildly independent, and even unknowable. The method of bait’n’switch is tried and true; it sets the competitor within men aflame with the challenge of taming the female perpetrator into a purring, domesticated playmate-cum-servant. Though men believe they were born to run the show, a challenge in the form of a hot dame who displays independence and will set off the hamster wheels in the male brain, reminding them (subconsciously at least) of the exciting days of yore when survival and mating were sports of the most profound difficulty.

  Helen, played by Ellen Barkin in “Sea of Love,” was decidedly cold to the scheming police detective when she met him for a supposed blind date, but her disinterest bewitched him more than solicitous kindness ever would. Truth be told, Helen was simply honest in dismissing the guy as someone for whom she felt no interest or attraction. Brutal honesty (something most women have been socialized never to use) works remarkably well in reeling in men like fish on a line.

  Even if she can’t be a full-time femme fatale, any woman can sprinkle a dash of bitchery into her repertoire, for it’s the chili powder that makes the stew of existence bracing. But aren’t women rewarded for being nice? Oh yes—and Sparky went to heaven when he died. The key is for a potential Fatale to quit focusing on men, their needs, and their happiness, and to start focusing on her own goddamn agenda.

  “Where’s My Daddy?”

  For her part, the Fatale also has a tendency to go for cold-hearted jerks. Why? Well, it seems many Fatales had a daddy who never acknowledged her, one who abandoned her or was emotionally absent or—at the very least—a daddy who died, leaving her and her mother totally screwed. She was badly let down by that first man in her life and, subsequently, other men she’s known have failed to embody the qualities of the perfect paternal figure of her fantasies and have bitterly disappointed her. Ironically, the male who does lavish attention on her also violates the memory of Daddy as the grand withholder. As a consequence, all men must pay dearly.

  Women Are Thinking About Mars Bars …

  Men Are Thinking About Their —————

  (Hint: Rhymes with “Venus”)

  Young women assume men think and feel like they do when, in fact, they do not. Men should be regarded like pet pit bulls or baby boa constrictors—adored and sometimes cuddly, but also potentially dangerous. After all, most men are physically bigger and stronger than most women (the real reason why men probably came to dominate in the first place, but also why women came to develop their talents for tactical cunning). It’s not that the Fatale doesn’t like men or isn’t immensely attracted to them, but that the Fatale realizes men are different and must be regarded as such. Of course, it’s always nice to have a partner in crime, but the Fatale knows never to totally relax, for just when she’s all comfy that partner might run off with her best friend or clean out her savings account. And why would she want to get all comfy anyway? She can get all comfy when she’s dead.

  It is folly for women to ask men for respect. It is foolhardy for a woman to complain about injustices and to in any way expect men to take an interest in her happiness and fulfillment. Men have their own problems. The Fatale realizes that she is in charge of herself.

  Men labor under the illusion that they rule the world, but Fatales suspect men serve as noisy figureheads while the chicks surreptitiously run the show. For this reason the femme fatale does not ask for her “rights,” but, rather, takes them. She knows that if she has to ask she is abnegating her power. It’s not a man’s world. If it is, women were foolish to give it to them and must take it back without fanfare, quietly and stealthily. Men actually like women to be in charge, at least behind the scenes, for it’s a return to the warmth of mommy’s bosom where they can feel safe and secure.

  It’s wise to allow men their dignity and their place, because they can be cute to have around. But if the Fatale is dealing with a man who is not fun to have around then she must turn the tables by refocusing her energies on herself, her happiness, and her fulfillment. He will be outraged and call her “selfish” and “cold” and “crazy” and “bitch,” not necessarily in that order. Nice try, pal.

  Types of Men Favored by the Fatale

  Not just any man will do for the femme fatale. She’ll scout around and test-drive several models. Finally, when she finds the one that will give her the most trouble, she’ll pounce. She particularly likes:

  •The Big Bow Wow (the big dog)

  •Individualists who don’t subscribe to the rules

  •Wildly successful men who aren’t very nice

  •Stable guys who save her from the big, bad world (but then bore her to tears and leave her cold)

  •Detectives

  •Gangsters and bad-asses of all ilk

  •Good guys who dangle on a moral edge

  •Thugs

  •Wounded types who are vulnerable and looking for some direction

  •Momma’s boys she can corrupt

  •Guileless, hopelessly ethical men who can be manipulated through their unfulfilled desires

  Fatale is as Fatale Does

  Idle hands
are the Devil’s workshop so the femme fatale busies herself with the following tasks:

  Steal a Good Man from the Loving Embrace of His Family

  What could be more pleasing than to nab an upstanding man from his family and to ruin him? Here’s how to do it:

  1.The Fatale must take a fresh, fragrant rose in hand, walk near her intended male victim, then “accidentally” drop the flower to the ground. As the man bends down to pick it up for her she must lift her skirt slightly and extend her ankle. Viola! He’s hers for the taking! Wife? Children? Responsibilities? Reputation? All cast aside like so much dross!

  2.The Fatale must then lure him into her den of sin, recline on a tapestry-draped chaise lounge, and take a piece of fruit in her teeth and feed it to him with a kiss. He will be hopelessly swept into the raging torrent that is her passion.

  3.When he gets desperate letters from his wife the Fatale must rip them up and throw them into the fireplace. He belongs to her now, damn it! And the man is helpless to do anything about it. (Techniques employed by The Vampire, played by Theda Bara in “A Fool There Was.”)

  Pit Him Against His Closest Relatives

  After rebelling and escaping from her harem, the Fatale must use her exotic dancing skills to mesmerize an old sheikh. Once he is in her clutches she must turn her back on him and focus her charms on his attractive son. This will drive the old man crazy, ignite his jealousy, and lead to tragic consequences. (Techniques employed by The Dancer, played by Pola Negri in “One Arabian Night/Sumurun.”)

  Turn a Respected Pillar of Society into a Pathetic Clown

  To get revenge on the male populace en masse it is recommended that the Fatale reduce one high-profile man who boasts moral pretensions to a quivering, decrepit pile of dissolution. Here are her methods:

  Step One: It is important that the Fatale scoff insolently at her respectable mark’s squeamishness and delicacy, as did “The Blue Angel’s” Lola Lola with Professor Immanuel Rath after he burst into her dressing room to confront her with the fact that she was distracting his students from their studies.

  Step Two: Lured into her world, the professor promptly marries Lola Lola, quits his professorship at the school, and works in her tawdry club as a lowly dance hall clown. He must supplement their earnings by selling his wife’s naughty postcards as souvenirs to the riff raff who patronize the club. (Techniques employed by Lola Lola, played by Marlene Dietrich in “The Blue Angel.”)

  Insult the Hell Out of Him

  This technique is a Fatale specialty, one that has been illustrated time and time again by history’s most alluring femmes.

  1. The Fatale must introduce herself to a man by “accidentally” dropping and rolling her lipstick toward him. He will pick it up, gaze at her approvingly, and hand it back to her. She must then apply her lipstick slowly, ignoring him completely as she does, and walk off without a word. From that moment on she must be as mean and insulting to him as possible. She must behave as if he is in the way and of absolutely no interest to her. One day he will grab her and kiss her. She must pull away, say nothing, and reapply her lipstick. This will make him feel like a cheap nobody and this is when she decides to make her move. (Technique employed by Cora, played by Lana Turner in “The Postman Always Rings Twice.”)

  2. When her husband brings a man home to introduce to her she must regard him with complete sarcasm, insult his name, and put him down. (Technique employed by Gilda, played by Rita Hayworth in “Gilda.”)

  3. When her drug-dealer boyfriend takes the Fatale out to a chic dance club, she must appear to be bored and disinterested. When her boyfriend’s new employee—the “muscle” in his shady organization—asks her to dance, she should comply without enthusiasm. When he tries to flirt with her she must insult him. When he compliments her she must cut him to the quick. (Technique employed by Elvira, played by Michelle Pfeiffer in “Scarface.”)

  Act Singularly Unimpressed

  When Ava Gardner came to Hollywood as one of the hundreds of pretty girls given a contract, she was essentially a nobody. Mickey Rooney, on the other hand, was a big honking somebody, a major star who had his own franchise of successful films and could have almost anything he wanted. When Mickey (who happened to be working on the set of “Babes on Broadway” and was dolled up as a campy imitation of Carmen Miranda) laid eyes on young Ava, he decided to make a play for her. But as he described in his autobiography, I.E., Ava was hardly the fluttering fan to whom he’d grown accustomed:

  Had Ava done a handstand on meeting me, our romance might have ended on the spot. Had she come at me, as some other women, obviously determined to capitalize on my fame, it would have died in some other spot a few weeks later. But no, Ava didn’t seem to give a damn who I was, or what I was, or what I could do for her, or how much money I was making. Although she wanted to become an actress, she seemed to be disinterested in the box office king of the world… . My own youthful response to Ava’s aloofness was to employ what they call in basketball the all-court press. I invaded every aspect of her life. I was always available for such services as chauffeuring, dinner purchasing, dancing, squiring, impersonating and proposing. Ava in turn was unavailable. She gave me neither her heart, nor her body… . So there it was. The studio didn’t want me to marry Ava. My family was unenthusiastic. Ava was unenthusiastic. The wheels ground more quickly. I had to have her… . I called for Ava, escorted her, spun her into my wild and hectic orbit. She took it calmly, as though she had been born into my world. This frantic exciting arena must have seemed strange to her, but she adamantly refused to be awed.

  Some months later Ava finally married Mickey. Naturally, he was a first class asshole. What else could she expect? But until his death, Mr. Rooney continued to be haunted by the memory of the girl who didn’t want him—the girl who got away.

  Rebuff Him Even Though He’s a Big Shot

  The young, newly married Rita Hayworth and her first husband were scheduled to take a weekend boating trip with Columbia studio head Harry Cohn. Rita’s creepy husband backed out at the last moment, intending to leave Rita alone with Cohn (the meanest and most lecherous vulgarian in Hollywood). Rita knew she was being set-up by her no good pimping mate. She knew his selfish intent was to further his wife’s career through the casting-couch routine which, if successful, would allow him to sit pretty while she worked her ass off and brought home the bacon. Rita had her revenge, though, which was to refuse to sleep with Cohn on what for him was a long and supremely frustrating weekend. This had the effect of driving the studio boss absolutely crazy and spurred him to obsess about her for decades. As a result he made Rita Hayworth the brightest star of Columbia Studio—while she dumped her lousy husband. Rita’s contribution to the Fatale effort? Thwart him, keep thwarting him, and never stop thwarting him.

  Throw Away His Gifts

  Here are two tried-and-true methods for throwing away a man’s gifts:

  1. When her boyfriend fails to give her the full-length mink fur coat she desires and instead gives her a short fur coat, she must go with him to a nightclub while wearing the disappointing garment, saunter up to the dance floor, and then throw the coat on it, saying, “Whoever grabs it can have it!” A melee will ensue. The hated short coat will be “donated” to the quickest and most aggressive girl in the club.

  2.When a man gives her a bouquet of roses (say, a famous director who is entranced by her beauty), she must accept the gift but promptly turn her attentions to another man (one who is not giving her the attentions she so richly deserves) and then slap his face with the thorny flowers. Rose petals will scatter everywhere. The “slapee’s” face will trickle with blood. The bouquet-giver will be livid. Hooray! (Techniques employed by Louise Brooks.)

  Jack Him Around

  Master Class in Man-Jacking: The Fatale must sit on a man’s lap and kiss him. Then she must spring up and scream, “Let me go! Don’t you touch me!” She must demand to know whether he has other girlfriends. This is an appropriate moment to burst into tea
rs. She must not allow him to kiss her unless he proclaims his love. She must be “out” every time he comes to visit. She must then send a letter saying she never wants to see him again and that her heart is bleeding. She must then brutally discard him. It is appropriate to visit him the next day and say, “I came to see if you are dead. If you had loved me enough you would have killed yourself last night.” His discombobulation will reach the tipping point and he will lose his mind. (Techniques employed by Concha Perez, played by Marlene Dietrich in “The Devil is a Woman.”)

  Steal His Car

  When a Good Samaritan (male, naturellment) stops to help a Fatale by offering her a ride, the Fatale must steal his car and leave him standing in the middle of the road midst a cloud of dust. When this Good Samaritan eventually tracks her down she mustn’t be sheepish, fearful of his wrath, or otherwise apologetic. She must simply claim that because he was driving so slowly she was afraid she’d miss a luncheon date so she was forced to steal his car. Appropriately, he will fall in love with her. (Techniques employed by Madeleine de Beaupre, played by Marlene Dietrich in “Desire.”)

  Get the Goods on Him

  When a man attempts to harm a Fatale (by having her gambling establishment shut down, for example), she must get the goods on him and expose him in public. Such was Mother Gin Sling’s method when she learned that a certain Sir Guy Charteris, a supposedly upstanding man, threatened her livelihood. Ms. Sling instructed her henchmen thusly: “Find out when he arrived, where he’s from. Find his mistakes. Every man makes them. If he’s successful he makes quite a few. Should be easy to find a few things to stop him.” Mother Gin Sling then demonstrated that after a Fatale has the goods on a man, she must throw an elaborate dinner party on the Chinese New Year and, after the appetizers, call the man out in front of everyone and expose his real identity. With his moral authority burnt to the ground, the Fatale emerges the victor. After all—it’s just business. (Techniques employed by Mother Gin Sling, played by Ona Munson in “Shanghai Gesture.”)