Original Sins

by Kim Krizan

  Go Through Men Like Silk Stockings

  Stockings run. They get “ladders” and have to be replaced. And all Fatales know that men can be like stockings: useful for a brief moment in time, then ruined and suitable only for the rubbish heap.

  Consider the following scenario: A Fatale finds herself working as a nurse—not an ideal situation because she really doesn’t enjoy caretaking sick people, but one in which she is afforded the opportunity to make “mistakes” (such as “accidentally” leaving the window wide open so that her patient, a married female, dies in the night). Nurse Fatale is then free to pursue the grieving widower (who happens to make a good living in the oil industry) and to retire from nursing. Unfortunately, though, the new hubby ends up being crabby, cranky, cheap, stingy, and mean … but he does have an insurance policy, one that pays double in certain circumstances. This is brought to her attention by a helpful insurance salesman, so a little liaison with the guy seems the proper course. The next thing you know the Fatale’s crabby husband dies in an accident and the insurance pays double. Of course the insurance man is now hoping to be her boyfriend, but if she can properly “arrange things” with him she will be able to run off with someone she really finds entertaining: her step-daughter’s thuggy boyfriend. It’s sort like going through stockings; when one has served its purpose and is ready to be discarded, there’s always another to take its place. (Technique employed by Phyllis, played by Barbara Stanwyck in “Double Indemnity.”)

  Play Ping-Pong With Men’s Hearts

  The saga of Barbara Payton and her treatment of Franchot Tone and Tom Neal is one for the Fatale Hall of Fame.

  The story begins simply enough with its Cinderella-like tones. A pretty young girl moves to Hollywood, becomes a promising starlet, and is noticed by a refined and respected film actor (Franchot Tone, who happens to be Joan Crawford’s ex). This man wines her, dines her, and comes to adore her. Eventually he proposes marriage. Before the blessed event can take place the engaged starlet clip-clops her way to a pool party. While there she spies a meat-bag B-movie actor (Tom Neal) strutting around in his swimming trunks. A hot, illicit romance ensues. It is then that Payton’s true Fatale identity emerges for she proceeds to pit her two boyfriends against one another in a kind of death match that goes on for years as she runs from one and then to the other. Highlights include Tom Neal’s beating Franchot Tone into an eighteen-hour coma and two-week hospitalization, Tone’s threat on Payton’s and Neal’s lives, Payton’s 53-day marriage to Tone, Tone’s filing for divorce with the excuse of extreme mental cruelty, Payton’s marriage to Neal and prompt cuckolding of him with a hotel suite full of cowboys, Payton’s divorce from Neal, and Tone’s subsequent re-marriage proposal to Payton. Why should a Fatale tune into televised ping-pong championships when she can arrange her own entertainment?

  Stand Him Up in Some Gin Joint

  Accepting or making a date and then standing up that date is always appropriate—especially when the man in question is a private eye and he’s hot on the Fatale’s trail. Showing up for awhile and then vanishing mid-date is another good call, especially if this occurs in some shadowy gin joint. Slip off to the “powder room” and then just split. It’s also not a bad tactic to be forever out of reach, always leaving the scene after a man’s interest has been provoked. Being busy, unavailable, and on her way to greener pastures is the Fatale’s way. The build up of anticipation, the satisfaction of having a taste of a siren’s precious company, and then the sudden loss of that company is a femme fatale specialty. (Techniques employed by Helen/Velma, played by Claire Trevor in “Murder, My Sweet” and Ellen, played by Gene Tierney in “Leave Her to Heaven.”)

  Pull the Wolf-in-Lamb’s-Clothing Routine

  Though it’s hard to imagine Marilyn Monroe (the supposedly sweet, man-pleasing ditz) sneering at and otherwise ignoring a man, she does so in the guise of Rose Loomis in “Niagara” and the sight is electrifying. Rose’s victim is her emotionally fragile husband who she keeps pacified by doling out insincere sweet nothings. As soon as she is able, though, she runs off to kiss her super-cute secret boyfriend while hiding in a cloud of mist beneath the Niagara Falls. Naturally, her husband “disappears” and it is then that she effectively employs the Little Lost Lamb Routine. The choreography of this routine includes the following:

  •A polite, worried manner of concern and distress

  •A trembling lip and tears

  •A hanky

  •A soft, shaky voice

  •A certain wide-eyed, dumb quality

  This will keep the police or detectives at bay, probably long enough for the Fatale to remove all suspicion of doubt. (This technique was also employed by Ruth/Brigid, played by Mary Astor in “The Maltese Falcon.”)

  “ The Secret”

  The Fatale understands that it’s all about positive thinking. If she believes it, it will come to be. Everything in the universe exists because of the law of attraction and if she harnesses that law, she can do anything. She just needs to visualize the thing or situation she desires and encapsulate it in a mental bubble, sending it off into the fluffy pink clouds of her imagination. If she believes it, it will come to be … especially if what she believes is that some dumb sap will stumble her way so she can put the screws on him—but good. She imagines luring a man to her and then destroying him. She pictures squeezing a guy for all he’s got, wringing him dry, turning him into a nub of pain, then casting him aside. And because she imagines it, because she really believes it, it comes to be. Such is the power of “the secret.”

  Fatale Goals

  It’s good to have life goals. Big goals, small goals, things a girl wants to do before she kicks the bucket—her to-do list will keep her focused, keep her eyes on the prize. Those who keep a list of their goals accomplish more. Just the act of writing down the goals will set the wheels in motion.

  Here are some of the Fatale’s favorite goals:

  •First and foremost, corrupt some decent chap with her feminine wiles

  •Play a guy for a sucker

  •Ruin an innocent young person

  •Get someone else to do the dirty work

  •Take off with the loot

  •Double-cross her ex so he plays the patsy

  •Date a man who’s in the mob

  •Marry a guy named Slim Dundee for the money

  •Convince her beau to aid and abet a crime (i.e. be the driver in a heist)

  •Cause the downfall of a powerful businessman by extorting money from him

  •Smash somebody’s heart

  •Throw over her crime boss boyfriend to be with her new boyfriend after getting him to help the crime boss boyfriend

  •Get her love interest to make money illegally, then abscond with it knowing he can’t report her

  •Convince a man to get her out of trouble and then split

  •Be in bed with a politician when he dies

  •Laugh uproariously when a man asks her to marry him

  •Get some sucker to murder her husband and then kill the sucker too

  •Secretly date her stepdaughter’s boyfriend (who’s named “Nino”)

  Meeting Men

  Countless books, articles, websites, and Learning Annex classes are devoted to the subject of meeting others for the purpose of romance. Here the Fatale has little trouble and needs expend virtually no effort, because she remembers the words of badass Jeanne Moreau: “If you don’t give a damn, men look at you.”

  Take a page from the luscious Angie Dickinson circa 1964 playing Sheila “The Wrecker” Farr in a remake of “The Killers.” She drives up to a racetrack in her convertible and saunters over (all smiles) to meet her mark, Johnny North, a race car driver with whom she really must get acquainted. Sheila’s lesson? Just show up at the track and talk smack.

  Conversation Between Sheila and Johnny

  Played by Angie Dickinson and John Cassavetes

  in “The Killers”

  Johnny: You dig fast cars?<
br />
  Sheila: Haven’t seen any lately Johnny.

  Johnny: Oh, you know me.

  Sheila: I saw you win in Orlando.

  Johnny: Maybe you don’t think I’m going to win here.

  Sheila: Oh, I can’t say I’m too impressed.

  Johnny:: You have a name?

  Sheila: Sheila. Farr.

  Johnny: Pretty cool aren’t you Miss Farr?

  Sheila: Only when there’s nothing to be excited about.

  Johnny: Have you ever been in one of these?

  Sheila: Nope.

  Johnny: Think you’d have the guts to?

  Sheila: Sure.

  (He motions to his mechanic who’s working on the car.)

  Johnny: Earl, lock her up.

  A Fatale-Scout is Always Prepared

  A Fatale is always prepared, for she knows that her man’s family, friends, partners, and co-workers will try to persuade him to break off the relationship. Mothers-in-law will hate the Fatale because she has stolen the innocent boy from the old floozy’s suffocating clutches. Friends will be jealous as hell and will advise him to get out before it’s too late, all the while trying to date the Fatale themselves. Sisters-in-law and female co-workers might even attempt to sabotage the relationship since they sense their positions in his life being usurped by a female interloper in black rayon. For these reasons the Fatale regards anyone in her man’s life with extreme prejudice and is always equipped with the following items in her Fatale-Aid Kit:

  •Tranquilizers

  •Pocket knife

  •Rope

  •Duct tape

  •Gag

  •Blindfold

  •Cinderblocks

  •Large plastic trash bags

  Appropriate Ensembles for Every Occasion

  Picking Up a Hapless Guy on the Street

  Black satin short-sleeved V-neck dress, slightly ruched, with puffy sleeves.

  Accessories should consist of a dangling broach, matching bracelets

  and earrings, black shoes with ankle straps and ties, and a round,

  dark-colored purse with pale beading.

  A transparent raincoat should be worn over the dress.

  (As worn by Kitty, played by Joan Bennett in “Scarlet Street.”)

  Visiting Guys in the Local Jail

  Huge white lace picture hat, white lace parasol, long white dress

  with white lace over shoulders, large diamond broach on shoulder,

  white flowers over one ear, spit curl on forehead, large ruffles at cuffs.

  (As worn by Concha, played by Dietrich in “The Devil is a Woman.”)

  Hanging Out with Gangsters

  Long white gown in crepe with slit down the chest, sparkly round collar,

  large sparkly cuffs, full gathered skirt, and full sleeves.

  High-heeled sandals, hoop earrings, tousled hair.

  Insouciant manner.

  (As worn by Debbie, played by Gloria Graham in “The Big Heat.”)

  What to Do With Yucky Old Husbands

  Cora (from “The Postman Always Rings Twice”), Phyllis (from “Double Indemnity”), Gilda (from “Gilda”), Elsa/Rosalee (from “The Lady from Shanghai”), and Lorna (from “Bad Blonde”/”The Flanagan Boy”) are all married to Yucky Old Husbands. How they got with these guys is another story (one that usually involves having been painted into a corner by life’s injustices). Of course, once she’s entered into wedded bliss, the Fatale can always Monday-morning quarterback the situation enough to realize that she’s made a dreadful mistake and is now stuck with—yes—a Yucky Old Husband.

  It’s such a bummer being married to a Yucky Old Husband that a Fatale takes desperate measures to be un-married to him. The usual methods of escape (divorce, annulment, running away to a foreign country) are either too slow or would result in her receiving the short end of the financial stick. After all, she’s not going to walk away barehanded—not after all she’s put up with. It would be so much easier to just make her Yucky Old Husband disappear. That simple wish seems a lot more feasible once another man enters the picture.

  There are some effective Fatale methods for ridding themselves of Yucky Old Husbands:

  The Cliff-Plunge

  After Frank’s first effort to kill Cora’s husband Nick fails (Nick ended up in the hospital with the supposition that he “slipped in the bathtub”), Cora sees to it that Frank takes surer measures. This time Frank not only gets Nick stinking drunk and whacks him on the head, but he also sends Nick over a cliff in the family car. Yes, Cora sacrifices a perfectly good car, but she, as Nick’s widow, also inherits Nick’s diner. This means, crucially, that all the sweat equity she’d put into the place during those boring years she was married to Nick is not lost.

  Strangulation on the Way to the Train

  Phyllis Dietrichson’s new beau, insurance salesman Walter Neff, strangles her husband as she drives him to the train station. Walter had merely to hide in the back seat and wait for Phyllis’s signal. Walter then places Mr. Dietrichson’s body on the train track so that it appears as if Dietrichson had fallen off the train and died. (It could’ve happened to anybody.) Phyllis, as the grieving widow, is the beneficiary of her husband’s insurance policy.

  Suicide

  Ballin Mundson absolutely adores his wife Gilda. He also leans heavily on Johnny Farrell, his employee and right hand man. That is why, when Ballin discovers his beloved Gilda canoodling with his trusted Johnny, the shock and betrayal are so great that he appears to commit suicide in an oh-so-dramatic fashion: blowing himself up in his own plane. This frees Gilda to marry Johnny without having to go through a messy divorce with Ballin.

  Shooting in a Hall of Mirrors

  Elsa/Rosalee has an absolutely tortured relationship with her rich husband, Arthur Bannister. It’s so confusing, so distorted, so excruciating, that it’s unsurprising they end up squaring off in a hall of mirrors where Elsa/Rosalee coolly shoots him to death.

  Drowning

  Lorna is so fed up with tiresome husband Giuseppe she succeeds in convincing boxer Johnny Flanagan to off him by any means necessary. And though she gives him a bottle with poison pills in it, Johnny’s method is to stage an “accident”: Johnny hides in Giuseppe’s fishing boat as the hapless hubby rows out on a lake, then Johnny knocks Giuseppe into the water where he drowns. How sad. As a suddenly-single girl, Lorna is now free to marry Johnny.

  Appropriate Ensembles for Every Occasion

  Murdering Her Husband in a Car

  White broad-shouldered jacket coat with wide lapels. White skirt.

  White beret and white gloves. White heels.

  Extra points: Hair should be medium-short, bleached platinum, and well-curled.

  (As worn by Cora, played by Lana Turner

  in “The Postman Always Rings Twice.”)

  Murdering Her Husband in a Hall of Mirrors

  Black dress suit, black hat with small ribbons, five short beaded necklaces

  in graduating lengths, large dark fur, and strappy shoes.

  (Worn by Rosalee, played by Rita Hayworth

  in “The Lady from Shanghai.”)

  Murdering Her Husband by Paying a Thug to Kill Him

  and Fake His Suicide

  Black coat with ample shoulder pads. Black gloves and purse.

  Sheer scarf covering hair.

  (As worn by Claire, played by Leslie Brooks in “Blonde Ice.”)

  Meeting with Lawyers to Discuss Her Husband’s Will

  Immediately After She’s Murdered Him

  A long-sleeved black wrap dress with deep

  V-neckline and pleated skirt.

  A long string of pearls. Envelope purse.

  (As worn by Matty Walker, played by Kathleen Turner

  in “Body Heat.”)

  How to Handle a Scary Mafioso Boyfriend

  At some point in her life the Fatale will probably have a Scary Mafioso Boyfriend. It’s one of those dark rites of passage, sort of like having to take algebra, bur
y her first pet, and work retail.

  The Fatale quickly learns that having a Scary Mafioso Boyfriend is not desirable. Scary Mafiosos are violent, crazy, and unpredictable—and if someone has to be violent, crazy, and unpredictable, it should be her. The Fatale knows she must extract herself from the relationship, but that in and of itself is tricky. Here are her methods for handling her Scary Mafioso Boyfriend:

  Hide in Some Exotic Place

  Kathie, played by Jane Greer in “Out of the Past,” finds herself in what is for the Fatale a classic situation. Entangled with a possessive, high-end hood who watches her every step and tries to control her every move, Kathie has no choice but to sneak off to Mexico. There she slinks around at night hitting this quaint club and that quaint bar in fashionable, lonely exile. Naturally, her Scary Mafioso Boyfriend will hire some flunky to try to track her down (if she’s lucky he’ll be Robert Mitchum). If she plays her cards right she might be able to start a whole new life, say, singing in a nightclub, running an illegal gambling operation, or even taking on a whole new identity.