I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "Please don't cry. Please... You're breaking my heart here. Sweetheart… I want you to feel only pleasure..."

  "Oh, I do. You just overwhelm me with your words, and your kindness. I, I don't know what to do or say to you. You are just so... so much, but in a good way."

  Lifting my hips again, pulling me harder- faster back onto his body, my breath hitches.

  "Just feel this. Please don't think about anything but you and me, right here, like this."

  "Okay... But this is so wonderful; I don't know what to do. You are so beautiful, Z. You make me sad because I, I want you so badly." More tears falling. Dammit. I can't stop.

  "You have me. I'm going nowhere until you tell me otherwise. I'm here. Just feel me, love."

  Z starts a harder movement, up and down, dragging himself through my body. I try to calm my tears because I don't want to cry, I want to feel all this, this goodness, this pleasure, this... love? I feel like I kind of love Z. I feel like I wish he was mine forever. I feel like I wish I could keep him forever...

  Bending my legs so I sit on my chins, I have more mobility. My back is still a little tender, but in this position, I can help Z now. I can move easier with his gentle thrusts.

  With his hands still on my bottom, and my legs in better use, I can take him in faster and harder. He feels so good inside me. He is a gentle stretching, and a deep impaling.

  When Z takes my lip's once again, I feel an urgency to get into him, to devour him with my mouth. I want to devour him so that I'll never forget this feeling. Z kisses me just as intensely as I want to kiss him.

  Speeding up our movements, Z pulls away and watches my face closely. He seems to want me to feel good. He looks closely to make sure I'm still here, still okay with this.

  I'm okay. I'm more than okay, I’m actually happy. So smiling at him, I take his lips once again.

  Z pulls away again after forever, and holding my breasts in his hands, he begins pushing me into a position on my back. Uncurling my legs underneath me, Z does the same. My spine throbs on my back, but not too painfully.

  Sitting on his chins now, he pulls my hips until my body is on the incline of his thighs. I feel so exposed in this position, and as Z looks down at my body I realize I am just that; very, very exposed to him.

  Touching my nipples, rolling them in his fingers, Z gauges my reactions closely. I can only watch him, as my body tenses and tightens inside. When he looks down at where are bodies are joined, I want to cringe at the intimacy, but Z just stares with a kind of stunning lust on his face.

  "I love watching as I enter your body. You were made for me, Sweetheart. Look. Watch your body take me in. It’s beautiful to watch."

  Holy shit! Watching; I see what he means. He was meant for me. Watching my body open up to him is beautiful. It's not gross, or mean, or even painful. It just looks right somehow. So, lifting my knees higher and further apart against his sides, I see more, and feel more. He is so deep inside me, and yet again, there is no pain.

  Seemingly hours later, Z grasps my hips, lifting me further up his body as his movements increase in speed and intensity. My chest and breath start to mimic his. We are panting and sweating and writhing and grinding.

  I can feel the now familiar pull that Z creates inside me. I can feel it tightening up my body. My legs are shaking and my stomach is contracting.

  Z alternates between watching my face, and watching our joining. He looks so handsome, and intense, and... controlled. I feel no fear of him. I feel only pleasure and security with Z. This is such an amazing feeling. I feel as though I’m kind of free of something, though I’m not exactly sure what that something is, but I don’t care. This is amazing.

  When Z slides his hand in between us, I watch as he spreads his hand against me while his thumb starts working my clitoris. Oh my GOD! The reaction is instant. My whole body jumps into his hand and my breath explodes from my chest.

  "Breathe Sweetheart. You're almost there. I can feel you grasping me inside."

  "Z... please..."

  "Does it feel good, love? Do you want more?" Oh, god... YES!

  Increasing the pressure, my whole body writhes on his lap. This is incredible. I feel it happening. My head starts moving back and forth on the pillow. My stomach is so tight, I feel the muscles being pulled. My insides feel stretched and full. Z is too big now. I'm starting to struggle a little with his size inside me. This is taking on an intensity I'm unfamiliar with. It's too much this time.

  "Sweetheart, relax for me. Just breathe... and feel the building of pressure."

  Moving my hands to my sides, I grasp the sheets while my body continues to writhe. This pressure is killing me. It’s too intense.

  Opening my eyes, I look at Z, and he looks like he's in pain. He is so beautiful, but he's struggling to hold onto his control. Let go for Z! Everything tightens to that incredible tension, and then I just snap.

  Screaming, my whole body jumps and convulses, as Z holds my hips steady against him. Staring at his face, I see his control shatter, as he punches into me once, twice, three more times, with corded neck and strained stomach muscles until finally he groans... and releases one final gasp. His release is spectacular to watch. He is spectacular to watch.

  Moving his legs quickly, Z collapses on my body, kisses me, and rolls me onto his chest. My stomach lands on his erection, and he groans again with a little writhing motion against me. Catching my breath, I try to sit up, but my arms are too weak. I want to look at him. I want to see his face. Trying to sit up once more on my forearms, I finally see him.

  Sweat-covered, flushed, and panting heavily, Z is the most beautiful man I have ever known. He makes my heart actually hurt.

  "I wish I could love you, Z. I wish I could love you forever..." I whisper.

  Z lowers his chin to stare into my eyes, and whispers, "Why can't you Sweetheart?"

  "You know I can't. I'm not meant for this... I’m meant to go back to them. But Z, this will always be the best week of my life." And grinning to burn the intensity and sadness away, I add, "The best sex of my life."

  Wrapping me tightly in his arms, pressing me back onto his chest, Z whispers in return, "I wish you believed you could have this. That you were meant for this... meant for me."

  "I wish I could believe that, too." God, that’s such a sad thing to admit but I know it’s true. I know I could never have something like this, and certainly I could never have someone like this. I don’t think someone like me is meant for a happy ending.

  In the long silence that follows between us, my eyes grow heavy. Glancing at Z's clock, I see it’s nearly midnight. Z and I made love for hours, and it was amazing, and kind, and... beautiful. It is a memory to hold forever. A memory I will pull out whenever I need something good in my life.

  Z is a memory I will always hold tightly as the greatest of my life. He will always be the man who gave me everything, without taking anything from me. Z will always be this special memory of time in which I felt happiness for the first and probably only time, in my entire life.

  "You are the best thing that has EVER happened to me, Z. Thank you."

  And squeezing me tighter to his chest, Z whispers... "Sleep, Sweetheart. I'm going nowhere, and you aren't leaving me..."

  No, I'm not leaving you, but I will be taken away...

  Wednesday, June 1st

  CHAPTER 19

  OW! My body hurts. Over and over. Bang, bang, bang. What IS that? Everything hurts so badly. There is pain everywhere. What the hell is happening to me?

  Opening my eyes, I see Marcus above me. NO!! Where's Z? What is Marcus doing here? Oh, NO!

  "Please stop Marcus! Please! You’re ripping me open again!! Please stop!! Fuck! I don't want this anymore! No more! I hate it! I hate sex! I hate you!"

  Oh the pain is too much! Pushing against his body, I try to fight him again. God, this is agony.... Bang, bang, bang.

  "Why don't you ever stop when I say NO?! Stop Marcus!! You’re KILLING Me! STOP!!”
r />   And then I scream when Marcus covers my mouth with his hand. Biting it, I push again with my hands, until suddenly the weight is lifted. Marcus is off the bed. I can't even see his face anymore.

  Why is it so dark? Where is he? Oh, god. Is he going to take me from behind again?

  "No! Not there! Don't take me there! It hurts so bad back there. Please! Stop hurting me! I don't want you to do me BACK THERE!"

  I’m screaming at him. I’m screaming as he looms over me. I know I’m screaming, over and over. But I’m blinded by the darkness until suddenly the world erupts in light.

  "No! Don't look at my body in the light! No!" Christ, I can't stop screaming!

  "Look at me! Look! Sweetheart! Look at my face! NOW!" What?

  Turning my head, back and forth, I look. Trying to adjust my sight to the blinding light, I look for the voice. What’s happening?

  "I'm right here. I’m right beside you. Look at ME!" But I can't see. I can't see anything, but light.

  Begging and gasping, "Who are you? I, I can't see. There’s too much light."

  "Sweetheart, it's Z. I'm standing beside you. Look to your left." Shit. I see NOTHING!

  "I don't see anything but light. Please turn the lights off."

  "The lights ARE off. There's only a little sunlight in the room. It's still mostly dark. Look at me."

  Staring hard to my left, I see nothing. There is nothing but brightness; a kind of blinding glare in my eyes. I feel like I'm staring at the sun. And then, I suddenly feel the pain.

  My head is pounding so hard, I can barely breathe. Turning to my side, I hold my head tight in my hands, desperate for relief, but there’s no relief. There is nothing but this excruciating, blinding pain.

  Oh my god. I'm going to throw up. Leaning to the side of the bed, I vomit violently. I can't help it. The pain is so intense- blinding in its intensity, I gag and wretch. More vomit. Outside my agony, I think I hear Z speaking gently to me. I think I sense him leaving me.

  "I'm sorry. Please don't leave me."

  "I'll be one minute, just hold on."

  There’s more vomit, and more agony. More everything. What’s happening?! I think I feel Z close to me again. Actually, I'm sure he’s beside me, but... I Can’t See Him. Oh, shit. More vomit.

  After forever, there is finally a pause in my vomiting.

  "I can't see you. Are you here?" I beg.

  "I'm here. Can you see me at all?" Z sounds so anxious.

  "No... Oh, god... What's HAPPENING to me?!"

  "I'm right here beside you. I’m holding your hair out of the way. Can you feel me beside you?"

  "Yes, I think so... Why can't I see you?" I gag.

  "I don't know. I think you may have a migraine. Just relax, Sweetheart. Do you still feel you need to vomit?"

  "I don't think so. Did you really hold my hair back, like a gentleman would?"

  "Yes, I did- Like a gentleman..." I can hear his smile-voice again.

  Smiling back, I whisper, "Thank you."

  However long later, Z shifts beside me. I still can't see him, but I feel him.

  “I’m sorry I threw up on your floor.”

  “I don’t care about the floor, Sweetheart.”

  "Why can't I see, Z? Everything still just looks like bright light. It really hurts my head and my eyes."

  "I don't know. But when you are a little better, I would like to take you to the hospital to get you checked out. Okay?" The hospital?! NO!

  "No! I can't go there. Marcus and my parents will take me away. The hospital is bad for me. I remember that. Z, please don't take me to the hospital."

  "Would you allow a physician to visit you here? Please?" Oh, his voice is so lovely.

  Finding and holding Z's hand, I feel sad. This is so sad, I think I'm going to cry again. Ooops, I think I already am crying.

  "Please don't be sad, Z. I hate hearing you sad. I'm so sorry... I wish I could see you... I think you're breaking my heart..." I can feel my tears dripping down my face, and I can feel Z squeeze my hand tighter.

  "I'm good, love. I don't like any of this, but please, think about you right now. Can you try to open your eyes again for me?" He asks as I feel him wipe away my tears with a cloth.

  When I try to open my eyes, the light is so bright; I instantly flinch from the agony. Gagging, I wretch, as Z holds me tighter, pushing something into my lap. I think I'm going to vomit again. I need to get it out of me. I'm so nauseous, I feel like I'm swaying in his arms.

  "Easy, Sweetheart. Throw-up if you have to. Don't worry; it's just you and me here."

  "Thank you, Z. I'm so sorry about all this. I don't know why this is happening. But I feel like I should know why."

  "Don't worry about it now; you can think yourself to death later." Ah, that was his smile-voice, for sure.

  Once the nausea passes, I try to lean back down on the bed, but Z stops me.

  "Just stay here with me, Sweetheart. I like you in my arms. And I don't really want you falling asleep right now."

  "Z... I'm really, really tired. Can I please just have a little rest?"

  "No, Sweetheart. Please, just trust me. Stay right here, okay? I'll be back in one minute. I just want to reach my phone, okay?"

  "All right."

  ==========

  The second Z leaves my side, I’m instantly frightened. Oh. My. God. I’m alone, and I can't feel anything. I can't see anything. What’s going to happen to me? I’m defenseless here.

  "Z? Z?! Where are you? PLEASE!" Well, that sounded like a scream. Gasp. The pain!

  "I'm here. I’m right here! I told you I would be back in one minute. I'm not leaving you. Don't panic."

  "Sorry..."

  "It’s okay, love. But I need you to stay calm. I'm worried about your lack of vision, and I don't want you stressed any further. Can you do that for me? Can you try to stay calm?"

  "I'm trying, but it's so hard. I can't see anything. I don't know if you're here, or away, or if you're mad at me. I don't know anything."

  "Just know that I'm here, I'm going to try to make you well, and you need to stay calm. I'm going to make a call in the bathroom to a physician friend of mine, and then we'll go from there. Here... let me prop you up against the headboard."

  Moving me slowly, Z settles me against the pillows. Once I'm fully upright, the pain in my head and back is just excruciating.

  "Z... I'm sorry... But my head and back hurt too much like this. Please, can I lie down on my side? Please?" I beg, knowing I sound slightly manic and crazed.

  "Here, let me help you rest on your side, upright. If you're going to throw-up, the bowl is on the bed in front of you. I'll be just one minute.”

  "Why do you have to leave? Please, just talk on the phone right here."

  "Just one minute, Sweetheart."

  It takes only seconds for me to get that panicky alone feeling again. Christ! My head is killing me. I don't think I've ever had a headache this bad in my life. Trying to stay calm, I listen for Z's voice. His lovely voice is muffled, though angry sounding through the door. What the hell is he saying?

  Listening closer I hear certain words, in certain sentences, all mumbled together. I think I hear the words 'hospital and Marcus and fever and psychotic, and the Beaumonts...' And then I hear Z yell, 'Get here now!' Wow, I heard that one clearly.

  Shit! None of that sounds good. I have to get out of here, now. I think Z is trying to have Marcus and my parents meet us at the hospital. Dammit! My parents will take me away as soon as they find me.

  Standing, I feel for the bedside table. GOD! My head feels like it’s going to explode. My back hurts less in comparison to my head, which is good, I guess. I don't know where anything is. I don't even know where my purse or keys are. What do I do?

  Z is going to help them take me away. I knew it. I always knew. I think he knows my parents. I think he knows Marcus. Maybe Marcus told him to follow me around. Shit. I wonder if he's working for my parents. He said he wasn't scared of them. He said they cou
ldn't hurt him. Maybe he IS with them.

  Making my way to the bedroom door is hard, but finally I feel the doorknob. Pulling it open and feeling out, I realize I'm in Z's closet. Fuck! I'll just hide here. Maybe Z will think I left, and he'll leave to look for me, for them, and then I'll be alone.

  Sitting on the floor, I curl my knees up to my chest and rest my pounding, throbbing head on my knees. Quiet. Don't panic. I’ll just rest for a minute until he leaves.

  ==========

  "Sweetheart. Open your eyes. Can you see anything?" Marcus whispers. Flinch.

  With my eyes closed tight, I respond, "No Marcus, I still can't see. I'm sorry." Did he just gasp at me?

  "What are you doing in here? Were you running away from me?"

  "No, Honey. I know better. My parents told me I could never get away, and you've told me a hundred times that I couldn't leave. So, no. I'm going nowhere. I just needed some privacy."

  There, that sounded like the truth. Ha! Marcus is quiet, probably trying to think of something else to accuse me of.

  "Sweetheart, I would like you to come back to bed now."

  "Please don't call me that. That is someone else. I really don't feel well, and I don't want to have sex... okay?" I whisper and hope. Please, please, please.

  "Okay, love. No sex today, but I really need to get you in the bed." No sex? Yeah, right.

  "Is this a trick Marcus?"

  "No. No trick. I'm just going to get some clothes to put on you, and then I’ll put you into bed. Is that okay?" Clothes? SHIT! I'm naked again. What is WITH that?

  "Yes, please. But no peaking..." I can't help but giggle.

  "No. I won't peak, I promise." Really? That's a first.

  Slowly Marcus helps me stand. Walking, he leans me against his body. This is nice. This is the first time Marcus has ever touched me nicely, or even held me.