I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "You’re never nice to me Marcus. You’re always mean, or you ignore me or you just hurt me. But this is nice. Why are you different now?"

  "I just feel differently toward you. You are wonderful, and I wanted to show you that I think you’re wonderful. Come on now. Sit down, and I'll help with your clothes." Okay.

  "Thank you. You've never dressed me before. You usually only scratch and pull, or tug and bruise to get my clothes off. Why are you being nice now?” Did he just flinch? What the hell? “I’m sorry I won’t say anything else. I know you're a good man. You and my parents told me I was lucky to have someone like you, so I'll be quiet. I'm really, really, sorry Marcus." Will he be mad at me anyway? Oh, probably. "Please don't be mad at me?"

  "I'm not mad at all. Come on lift your bottom... there you go. Now I'm going to put this t-shirt on you, okay?"

  "Oh, yes. Thank you. I feel better now. I wish I could see you. I would like to see what you look like when you're pretending to be nice to me."

  Marcus is so strange. This isn't like him at all. What's he doing? Should I be nervous? Shit. Maybe he is tricking me.

  "Please stop touching me now. I'm fine. I'm just going to have a rest. I'll prepare a proper meal shortly. Thank you for your attention, but I'm fine now. Please leave me alone.”

  "Sweetheart, are you here now?" Huh?

  "Yes, of course I'm here. Thank you. Please leave me for just a little while. I'll be down soon." Oh, god! Just GO!

  Marcus must be gone now, because everything is so quiet. I need to rest while I can. I need to recover while he lets me. I need to sleep for just a little bit because the pain always makes me so tired.

  ==========

  "Listen Sweetheart. My friend will be here very soon, and I don't want you to be frightened, okay? I’ll stay with you the whole time if you want. He’s just going to talk to you a bit." Uh huh.

  Here we go. It’s always ‘just a friend’. It’s always someone ‘special’ who wants to meet me. It’s always someone nice, until they’re NOT nice.

  "Are you going to take the pictures?" Jeez... is his body shaking on the bed?

  "Um, no. Should I?"

  "If that’s what you want. How should I know? Whatever you want. I won't be any trouble for you or your friend. Can I just rest my body a bit before he gets here? Please let me rest up.” I’m so tired.

  "Why does your body need to rest up?"

  “Because of what you do to it. But it’s fine. If you let me have just a little rest you can do that stuff again. I’ll be fine.”

  “Why do you need to rest, Sweetheart?”

  "I'm sorry. I don't understand. You know why. When you're done, I get a little rest before you start again."

  Is he moaning? What the hell is he doing? I’ve never heard Marcus make that awful noise before. It’s a sad, ugly sound. I really don’t like it much at all.

  "I just need a little rest. I'll be good in a few minutes, I promise."

  "Okay, Sweetheart, you can rest while we wait for my friend to arrive."

  "Please don't call me that... Sweetheart is someone else."

  CHAPTER 20

  Am I awake? Voices talking scare me. Why can't I open my eyes? Why aren't my eyes working? Shit! Open your eyes. Open Your EYES! FUCK!

  Jumping from the bed, I am stunned by the pain. Screaming, I sink to the floor on my knees.

  "No! Stay still. Don't move, Sweetheart. Fuck!"

  "Who are you?"

  "Sweetheart, it's Z. Do you remember me?" Well, duh.

  "Of course I remember you, what's happening? Why are you asking me that?!" I snap at him.

  "Are you in pain?"

  "Yes. My back is killing me, but it’s my head! The pain is blinding. Oh, that's too funny. I’m actually blinded by the pain, Z. Holy shit!"

  I can't help but burst out laughing at the agony. What else can I do? My head is pounding so badly with my laughter I can do nothing but keel over and hold my temples with my palms. This is AGONY!

  "Stop! Stop, now. Listen to my voice. Listen to me, Sweetheart. I want you to stop laughing now, and take a deep breath."

  "Okay. Sorry. But that was kind of funny... in my defense."

  "Yes it was, and maybe tomorrow we'll have a good laugh over it." Ah, his smile-voice.

  "Do you know how much I love your smile-voice? I look so forward to hearing it. It makes me happy." I shouldn't have said that.

  "My smile-voice?" And there it is again. Z is just so adorable sometimes.

  "Yes, that voice. Right there- the voice with the smile attached to it. I love it, but please don't stop using it now that you know I like it, okay? Please?"

  "I wouldn't dream of it. I like that my smile-voice pleases you."

  "Thank you." I heard it that time, as well.

  "My friend would like to meet you now, if that's alright?" Flinch. Shit. Here we go...

  "Um... I'll be good. Please don't hurt me this time..." I hate waiting for this to begin.

  In the silence while I wait for the friend, my whole body begins shaking. Even my teeth are chattering loudly. I hate this. The wait is always the most brutal part for me. At least when it’s happening I try to think of something else, but when I’m waiting for it to happen, all I can think about is what’s going to happen. This sucks!

  "I'm Dr. Michael McDonald, but you can call me Mack if you'd like. It's nice to meet you." Mack?

  "What name to do want me to call myself?" Please not a bad one. I hate those. Please.

  "Um, what would you like to call yourself?"

  "How the hell do I know?” Flinch. “Sorry, sir. Are we going to play doctor? Should I be nurse something?"

  "No, we're not going to play doctor. We're just going to talk, and I'm going to examine you a little, okay?" Yup, here we go.

  “You always examine me first, I know.”

  What does he want me to do? I can't tell. Whispering, "Z? Z, what does he want me to do? I can't tell. Please tell me ‘cause I don't want to make him mad at me."

  "Mack isn't going to do anything to you, Sweetheart. I promise. I won't let him or anyone else hurt you." Yeah, right. “Do you trust me?"

  "Do you want me to?"

  "Yes. Very much." Oh, well, that's easy then.

  "Okay. Then tell me who I should be before he starts."

  "Just be yourself, love. Mack just wants to ask you a few questions." Uh huh.

  Turning around, I sit on the edge of the bed. Lifting my shaking hands, I remove my t-shirt quickly. No bra... good. But before I can slip my pants off, Z grabs my hands.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Getting ready. Does Dr. Mack want me to undress myself, or does he want to do it?"

  "No. Mack, my friend, wants to talk to you with your clothes ON."

  Why? I don't get it. They never want my clothes on. Well, not after they first examine me, anyway. God, these days can be so long. I wish this was just over already.

  "What is your name?" I jump.

  "Who are you? I can't see."

  "This is Dr. McDonald, or just Mack. Can you tell me your name?"

  "I don't have one. Um, whatever you want. Please, just tell me! I'll be whatever name you tell me to be! I'm sorry, but I don't know who you want me to be!" Fuck! What game is this? No one is speaking. What are they waiting for?

  "Call her Sweetheart. That's a good one, isn't it?" Z asks.

  "Yes. I like that. I haven't been hurt when I'm her. Ha! You can't hurt me Mack if you call me Sweetheart! So there! Right, Z?"

  "That's right. Mack wouldn't hurt you anyway; I wouldn't let him hurt you. And when you're Sweetheart, nobody can hurt you." Oh, thank god.

  "Thank you..." I whisper, as tears of gratitude start falling down my face.

  "May I look in your eyes, Sweetheart?"

  "Yes. But they don't work. I don't know why, but they just won't see anymore."

  "That's okay. I'm just going to open your eyelids slowly, and take a peak, okay?"

  "Okay, but no peaking
, down there..." giggle "…Sorry. I'll be good."

  "You are good, Sweetheart. Can you relax your eyes for me? Just stop holding your eyes tightly closed..." Whatever. "That's good. Just relax your facial muscles."

  "Am I doing what you want? Am I a good girl?" Ahhhhh!! FUCK!! Flinch. "What are you doing?! You're hurting me!! Z!! He's burning my eyes! Please make him stop! You promised you wouldn’t let anyone hurt me! You promised!"

  “Mack isn’t hurting you, Sweetheart. He’s just shining a little light in your eyes. It’ll be over soon." Jesus Christ!

  Hey! I see shapes now. Wow. Everything is really fuzzy and bright, but there are definite shapes now. Turning my head, I kind of recognize Z beside me. Raising my hand, I try to touch him. Finally, my hand lands on his face. He is stubblier than before.

  "I can see you a little. Well, not see- see you, but you're kind of a blurry shape now.”

  "That's good, Sweetheart. I'm pleased. Can you try to focus on me better?"

  Turning my head again, I see another shape. Oh, it’s another man. Here we go. "How do you want me?"

  "I’m sorry?"

  "Um, where should I be? Just tell me, please. I'll be good. I'll do whatever you want."

  "I don't want you anywhere but sitting right there beside Z." Uh huh.

  "Z, how should I be?"

  "You should be right here beside me. I told you no one is going to touch you, or hurt you today. Just relax beside me."

  Relax?! RELAX?! God, as if I could relax. They’re really starting to piss me off here. Why won’t they just do it already? Christ!

  "Fuck! Can we just do this! I hate the waiting! Look, we have to hurry. The staff will be back soon and I'm not supposed to be in here. Can you just do it? I have to hurry. You have to hurry up! Which way do you want my body?!"

  "Sweetheart, listen to me carefully, Mack and I are not here to have sex with you. We don't want that. We’re just here to help you get better. That's all. That's all we’re going to do today. Trust me. We. Will. Not. Hurt. You."

  "They always say that at the start, and then they hurt me. I don't trust you, so please JUST. DO. IT!!" I scream in his face.

  "Stop! Listen to me. Mack and I…"

  "No!"

  Jumping up, I rip my pants down, turn, and throw my knees to the floor. With my stomach on the bed, my ass is right where it should be, even though my back screams in pain.

  "There! Do it! I'm ready. Please! We're almost out of time."

  "Jesus CHRIST! Stop this NOW!!" Z is screaming at me and I feel him shaking the bed.

  Turning my head I ask, "Mack are you fucking my ass, or taking the pictures? Hurry up! Which one?"

  "Um, neither. Z and I aren't going to hurt you, or take pictures. You're safe, Sweetheart. You. Are. Safe."

  I am so sick of all the lies. They always say I’m safe. They always say it won’t hurt when I whimper. Well, not this time! I’m not whimpering this time. FUCK THAT!

  "Hurry up and start fucking me! My birthday party is starting soon, okay?! My parents will be back soon, and the staff is probably already preparing upstairs! Just fuck my ass! Do it, Z! HURRY UP!!!" But there’s just more silence. Christ! This is so frustrating!

  "How old are you turning?" Z asks quietly. What?

  "14, why? Who gives a shit?! Just do it. Please. I'm going to get in trouble if he doesn't have the pictures. Please hurry. Just take a picture and pretend if you don't want to actually do it. It’s okay. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes, they just take the pictures. Please hurry up! I'm going to get in big trouble if you don't hurry. They’re going to be so disappointed in me... PLEASE! FUCK ME OR JUST TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURES!!"

  "Okay, Sweetheart. I'll take a picture," Z finally agrees.

  And then I hear it. The constant click of the shutter. The snap and moan of the Polaroid. The click click of the Cannon.

  “Oh, thank god...” I whisper on an exhale. It’s almost over. "Thank you. Should I turn over now?" I ask with my best smile.

  "Would you like to?"

  "Yes. Then it's over and I can go fix myself."

  "Okay, go ahead then. Turn around, love." Yes!

  Turning, I place my forearms further on the bed, and spread my legs wide. Tilting my hips, I make sure the camera can see all the way into me. Laughing, I'm finally free.

  "Did you get the picture? Does my pussy look good?"

  "Um, yes. Very good." Oh, I’m glad he likes it.

  "You know I'm still a virgin down there. No one is allowed to put their dicks in me there. They can only put them in my ass and in my mouth."

  "I see. How many times have they put them in you, Sweetheart?"

  "Lots. If you look in the black album for the school, you can see all the pictures. They like to look at my new little hairy pussy. It's pretty and blonde, but they can't touch it. Ha! I can tell them no about that. I'm supposed to tell them no, and they always have to listen to that rule. They actually hear me then. I'm actually allowed to speak up and say 'NO'... but only then, and only there."

  "You can put your clothes back on now if you want."

  "Thank you, Mack. I'm sorry you didn't have time to fuck me. Maybe next time?"

  "Okay, next time. Can I look at your back now, Sweetheart? I know you hurt it badly a few days ago. May I just look?" He seems so nice.

  "You're very nice like Z. How long have you been friends?"

  "Many, many years. Z was something of a 'wild child' and I was the good friend, who always got caught when Z did something bad, or was up to no good. But Z always protected me." He did? That's nice.

  "I'm glad he protected you. Do you trust him, Mack?"

  "With my life, Sweetheart. And you should, too. I know Z, and if he wants to help you, you should let him. I promise he won't hurt you."

  "Uh huh. We'll see."

  Walking closer to me, with hands outstretched, Mack kneels on the floor. Wow. Is he going to do what Z did to me?

  "Are you going to taste me like Z did? Are you going to tongue my pussy, too?"

  I feel the bed kind of jerk beside me. Looking at blurry Z, I can't tell if he's angry.

  "I'm sorry, Z. I won't talk anymore. Please don't be angry with me. I just though you wanted me to do that with Mack too." I whisper.

  "It’s okay, Sweetheart. Mack doesn't want to do anything sexual with you, and I don't want him to either. Is that okay?"

  "God yes. I never want them to do this to me, but I'm not allowed to say 'no', unless they try to put their dicks in my dirty hole..." Shut up! This is a secret.

  "Who are they, Sweetheart?"

  "Um... I'm not allowed to tell. But PLEASE don't be mad at me. It's all my fault for being a slut, and I'm not supposed to tell on them because it would embarrass everyone."

  "Okay. Maybe you’ll tell me some other time, when you trust me..." but I shake my head no, even as he finishes speaking.

  Sitting back onto the edge of the bed, I decide it's time to close my legs. If Mack and Z aren't going to fuck me, what's the point of being spread out...

  "You know Z, you don't fuck like Peter did."

  When the whole bed jumps and my arms are grabbed hard, I know I'm in big trouble now. OH NO!

  "Oh god, please don't hurt me. I'M SORRY Z! You fuck really good! You’re the best actually! I SWEAR! There’s no one like you. You’re the best Daddy I’ve ever had! I'm sorry, I'm really sorry! I didn’t mean to say that. Peter’s a secret too. I just forgot for a minute. You were kind of mean to me and you made me do things I didn’t want to do like Peter did, but you weren’t mean like Peter was!"

  "Let her go, Z..."

  “It's okay. Z can do whatever he wants to me! I've been waiting for him to hurt me!"

  "Z cannot do whatever he wants, and Z wouldn't hurt you. Would you Z?" And suddenly as Z releases my arms, I'm sorry again.

  Moaning, Z says, "No. I would NEVER hurt you, love. I'm sorry I grabbed you."

  "Oh, Z... It's okay. You can do whatever you want to me. I shouldn't have said
anything. You’re a really good daddy. You are very, very good at fucking. I just meant you don't fuck my ass hard, like Peter did. You only ever take my cunt-hole. It's okay though... you can do whatever you want to me, wherever you want to do it."

  I'm so scared suddenly. I like Z. I love being with Z. I don't want him to be mad at me anymore. Turning to face him, I try to see his face. It's still really blurry, but he looks really angry at me. Oh, no. I've ruined everything again. Fix it!

  "Z? I'm so, so sorry. I promise I’ll never speak again. I can't have you mad at me... You're the only one who’s nice to me- The only one! It’s going to destroy me when you leave. Please don't leave yet. Please? I’ll do absolutely ANYTHING you want, if I can keep you for a little bit longer. Please...?" Christ! I'm desperate, "Please stay a bit longer. I won't ruin anything else. I won't be bad anymore. I will be and do anything you want. Z? Please stay... I WON’T be bad anymore, I promise," I sob.

  But there is nothing but silence. Both men are so quiet, I can hardly breathe. Why won’t they talk to me? Am I in big trouble? Usually when I beg and sob and apologize they just ignore me and continue. No one ever stays mad at me; they just do their stuff to me. Oh, no.

  Now, I’m sobbing loudly. I’m so scared he’s leaving me now. Fuck! I am such an idiot. Everyone was right. I am a moron!

  Falling to my knees on the floor again, I wrap my arms around Z’s waist. Resting my head on his thighs, I can’t help but sob uncontrollably. When Z starts stroking my hair gently, I cry even louder. No one has ever been kind to me before, AND I’VE RUINED IT!

  "Z isn't mad at you, Sweetheart. Z cares about you very much, and he's not leaving you. Are you Z?"

  But there’s still more silence. Is Z shaking again? I think I feel the bed moving.

  "No... I'm not leaving you," he says in a quiet gravelly voice. He sounds really sad now.

  "I'm sorry I made you sad. I'm just going to go to the bathroom okay? I'll just be a minute and when I come back I'll do anything you want. I won't ruin anything ever again, I promise."

  Standing, I make my way against the wall to the bathroom. Everything is still blurry shapes but I can see enough to know where I'm going. When Mack starts following me, I panic. Where’s Z? Looking I see him still on the bed, with his head hanging in his hands.