I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "I've ruined everything, haven't I, sir? I always do..." I whisper.

  Mack whispers back, "Z still cares for you very much, I promise. You haven't ruined anything. I just want to freshen up, while you use the bathroom. Nothing’s wrong, at all."

  It’s a little weird, I mean, jeez, can't I have any privacy... but whatever. I promised I would do anything to make Z not mad at me anymore, so I have to let Mack follow me.

  In the bathroom, I walk behind the little glass privacy blocks and start peeing. Mack also runs the water, just like Z did. Z was so nice to me. He always did nice things. I didn't even have to ever ask him, he just knew and did them. I'm going to miss him very much.

  I feel my tears falling on my thighs. Christ! I'm naked again. For someone who hates her gross body, I seem to be naked... a lot. I feel kind of dirty and used up, too.

  “Um, excuse me, sir, but what time is it?"

  “It’s a little after 10am. Are you okay? You sound like you're crying over there, and you've been there for a while now. Can I help you at all?”

  "No, thank you. You’re nice like Z was. I wish I could keep him, you know? I was trying so hard to be good for him. I wanted to make him happy. I didn't want to disappoint him, too. But I failed again, I think."

  "You didn't fail anyone. You’re a very good girl, and Z is very proud of you."

  Yeah, right. He is just saying the pretty words I used to want to hear. But now I know. I’ve always known the truth. Everyone just always thought I was too stupid to know, but I always did. I remember that now. I remember knowing they were just pretty words when I disappointed them.

  "Can I have a bath, sir? I would really like to wash all the dirt off. I feel kind of gross. Please?"

  "Yes, of course. Would you like Z to come in, or would you mind if I stay with you?"

  "Um, no offense... But I'd like Z, if he still wants to look at me, but I don't think he does."

  ==========

  When Mack leaves the bathroom, I feel my way to the sink to wash my hands. When the water is off I can hear Z and Mack talking about me. Z sounds really angry. He's yelling at Mack, and I hear my name again. Shit. He's talking about 'Peter' and 'disgusting', and 'ugly', and 'a fucking pig', and 'lies', and 'hate', and 'remembering', and 'photos', and... ME.

  Oh, god, this is too much. I knew I was disgusting and ugly. I knew he would hate me eventually. I knew it. I knew Z would hate me soon. It's time for me to leave. I have to take a deep breath.

  This isn’t a shock. I knew it would come. I knew it was always going to come. Z would know and he would hate me, and now he knows and he does hate me. It’s all over. My special time with Z is over and he’s going to give me back to them for use.

  Opening the cabinet, I see my freedom from all this pain and sadness. I don't know what, and I don't care. I can't read them anyway because my eyes are still too blurry. Hiding the pills in the towel beside the tub, I start the water and jump in before they can see me.

  Using the faucet for water, I empty the pills into my hand, use the Jacuzzi tap and drink down everything. Christ, there was a lot. It was hard to swallow, but I did it. I did something right, for once.

  Hiding the bottle again in a towel, it’s done and finally I can relax. Finally, I can exhale. Finally, it will all be over soon. Z won’t have to send me back to them, and I’ll be free of all of them, and then we’ll all be happy.

  ==========

  When Z enters the bathroom minutes later, he asks, "How are you feeling?"

  "Fine. Thank you, Mr. Zinfandel. I really am sorry to have caused you all this trouble. But it will be over soon. I'm really, very sorry." I think I saw Z flinch again.

  "Why did you just call me that, Sweetheart?" He asks while walking to the side of the Jacuzzi, kneeling on the little step, placing his forearms on the edge.

  "It's nothing. I'm sorry... Z. I won't slip again. Please, can I just be alone now?"

  "But I want to be here with you, love. So does Mack. He's waiting outside the door to talk with you again. Is that okay?"

  "Not really. I just want to sit here quietly for a while in private. Okay?"

  "No, Sweetheart. I really want to be here with you. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. But I need to be near you. You are very beautiful and good… Do you know that?"

  "I don't think so. And please don't lie to me anymore. I don't lie to you... Well, not really."

  "I'm not lying to you."

  "Oh, shut up! Okay?! Of course you're lying. I am NOT good. And I am NOT beautiful. You're just bullshitting me until I trust you, so it’s more fun for you to fuck with my head later. Just leave me the fuck alone! You're just like them! All of them! You all think I'm so fucking stupid. You think pretty words fool me, well, THEY DON'T! I'm not a fucking moron. I never was! I just pretend to be, because it's what everyone wanted me to be... A stupid, slutty, cock-sucking moron, who always does as she's told! FUCK! Just give me some privacy, okay?"

  Looking in the doorway, I see the shape of Mack. "Oh, and here's the other one. Do you like looking? Does it turn you on to see the ugly, scarred up naked chick? Do you like looking at my pussy or something? Fuck! Just fuck me already, or FUCK OFF! I would like some mother-fucking privacy. Why won't you both just leave me the fuck alone?!" Gasp. Shit. Not now. Please...

  "Sweetheart. Breathe slowly with me... come on. I want you to calm down, and take a deep breath with me."

  "Z... Please? Just leave... me alone. I know you th-think I'm a fucking pig, and a disgusting whore. I know. I know what you really think about me. I heard you, and it's okay, ‘cause I know it's true. So please leave me alone now. Just go- go away."

  "I'm not leaving you, and I DO NOT think you’re..."

  LIES!! And then I just feel myself SNAP!

  Jumping at Z, I start slapping his face and punching his chest. I claw at his face and try to bite him. Mack suddenly grabs at me with Z. They’re restraining me. My hands are held. My head is held still. Z is yelling, and Mack is yelling. I hear ’stop'. I hear 'Sweetheart'. There is so much noise and water, and noise and anger, and noise and desperation. I’m desperate. I need silence again.

  After screaming in their faces, I abruptly stop, and everything else suddenly stops as well. Total silence, thank god.

  Z is breathing hard, and Mack is covered in water. Oh, my vision is back. Nothing is blurry anymore. I can see now. Yay me!

  Mack is looking a little shocked by me. Mack even has water dripping from his chin. Oh, how funny. I can’t help but burst with laughter again.

  "Wow. I'm sorry. If I told you I've never hit anyone before, would you believe me Mack?"

  But its Z who answers. "No. Not really. You're kind of a natural, Sweetheart. You have quite the right-hook."

  Looking at Z, I'm shocked. He is bleeding, and shaking, and covered in water and blood, and his shirt is torn at the collar. What did I do? What the FUCK did I DO?!

  "Oh, my GOD! I’m so sorry Z. I didn't mean to, but you wouldn't leave. I didn't know what to do. You wouldn't listen to me. No one listens to me because I’m invisible. I'm always invisible..."

  Gasping, my whole body begins sobbing. He looks terrible. I did that to him. I. Did. That! He is nice and good, and I tried to destroy him.

  "I destroyed you. You were the first good thing ever, and I destroyed you. I hope you can forgive me one day. It won't be long now. It will be over soon, and I'll be gone. I hope then you’ll forgive me."

  "You're not leaving New York, or me, anytime soon. And there’s nothing to forgive. I should have listened to you, Sweetheart. You are NOT invisible, and I should have listened to you. I just wanted to spend more time with you, because I like spending time with you. I don’t think you’re bad or disgusting, or anything else, other than a wonderful woman who I want to spend more time with. That's all. Please don't cry. Mack and I are going to help you get better. And then you won't feel invisible anymore. I promise."

  Z actually has tears in his eyes. I can't be
lieve it. This beautiful, successful, kind man has tears in his eyes. Tears for me? Or tears because of me?

  This is the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. This sadness is oppressive in its strength. Everything hurts again. I can’t believe the depth of the despair I feel. This feeling is so powerful, there’s nothing left of me that doesn’t ache with the intensity of this despair.

  "Please Mack... help Z. He needs help. I'm not good for him, and he is so good, he needs to feel happy again. Please help him feel happy. I want to know he’s happy when I leave him. Please..."

  "Z IS happy with you. YOU make him happy, but we want to help you feel happiness too. Would you let us? We could go to my office and talk some more, maybe take some medicine to calm you a little. Would you let us take you from here, just for a little bit?"

  "Oh! Of course. How embarrassing. I'm sorry I stayed so long, Z. You could have just asked me to leave. I would have. I would have gone back to them. I'm sorry you had to ask your friend to get me out of your life."

  And shaking his head, Z replies sadly, "That isn't what Mack is asking. He wants you to come to his office with me. I'm not leaving you. And I don’t want you out of my life for good. I don’t want you out of my life at all, unless you tell me otherwise, I promise."

  ==========

  Reaching out my hand, I touch Z's cheek. Wiping away the blood, he leans his face into my palm.

  Has anything ever hurt me like this before? Has there ever been a greater pain in my life? I don't remember feeling this much pain, ever. It's everywhere. It's in my skin, and in my bones, and its inside me, everywhere. My heart aches with this pain. I can feel nothing but this intense agony as I look into his eyes. I'm going to leave feeling only this agony, forever.

  Whispering, I breath into his mouth, "I'm so sorry, Z. I wish I didn't cause you any of this. I don't want you to feel any of this, anymore." As my tears fall, I continue, "Please know that I will always hold your memory with me when I'm gone, and I hope you will at least remember that I wanted to be good for you. I think I love you, and I want you to know that I’ve never felt this way before. Please remember me as I wanted to be when I'm gone, not as I actually was for you."

  Sighing my sadness into him, I gently kiss his lips. I will remember this moment for eternity.

  After I kiss him, Z and I just stare at each other. I don’t know how long we stare. I can feel time passing, but neither of us move. Mack is stationary in the doorway I can see, but I have only eyes for Z.

  His dark brown eyes look so beautiful to me. He looks so beautiful to me. There will never be another for me.

  The water is freezing, and I think time has really passed for me. This is it. It's over.

  Letting Z's face go, I try to stand on shaky legs. I need to lie down now. I'm so tired from this soul-consuming sadness and gut-wrenching pain. I think I'm honest and truly... heart-broken. My heart doesn't really beat right anymore, it's kind of thumping painfully and erratically with the sadness I feel.

  Z stands as well, but I don't want his help. I don't want to take from him anymore. He’s almost free of me and all this drama.

  "May I just lie down for a few minutes before I leave? I want to sleep. I don't want you to help me anymore... My heart hurts very badly, Z. I feel like it wants to die now. Can you keep it though? Can you keep it here in New York when I'm gone? I don't want them to have it. I don’t want it to end up in Chicago. Please?" I beg in a pitiful whisper.

  "Sweetheart, you're going to be okay, I promise. Let me help you to the bedroom. I want to help you. So does Mack."

  Walking with Z's help, my knees feel like they're going to buckle. Gripping his arm tightly, I ask for a towel, and suddenly...

  All hell breaks loose!

  Mack starts yelling with the bottle in his hand. ‘Lorez...’ something. My knees buckle with the shock of sound in the room. Everything begins shaking, as Z starts screaming in my face again.

  "What did you do? Oh, god, Sweetheart... What the FUCK did you DO?! FUCK! Mack! HELP HER!!"

  Everything turns to chaos. Everything explodes all around me.

  Mack is yelling at Z now, ‘It’s been too long.’

  Mack has me on the floor on my back. Mack is listening to my heart. Mack is straddling me.

  Z is yelling and slamming things. Z is screaming into his phone.

  Mack is hurting my chest. Mack is carrying me to the bedroom.

  Z is still screaming into the phone.

  Mack is yelling in my face, as I try to watch Z.

  ‘It’s been too long!’ Mack yells at Z while sitting beside me on the floor.

  With my head heavy and tilted to the side, I just watch and try to soak in all of Z. I want to keep him a beautiful memory forever. Z is just so good and lovely. Even angry and frantic, he is so lovely to watch. My eyes are really very heavy now, but I'm desperate for more of him.

  Mack is yelling at me again, but I don't really hear the words anymore. I don't know what he wants from me, and I don’t really care.

  My heart is throbbing, and it feels kind of fast. I don't like this. This hurts again. My eyes are closing and I can't really keep them open anymore.

  "STAY HERE! Stay here, Sweetheart!! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!" Oh, Z.

  "I'm sorry Z... but it’s just a broken heart... "

  I hear Z again, but I feel Mack. Mack is kissing my mouth, and hurting my chest.

  Opening my eyes is hard, but when I do, I see tears falling from Z's eyes, as he holds my hand to his lips. Z is rocking back and forth. Oh. How pretty he is. His eyes look like shiny marbles.

  "You are so lovely. I wish I didn't have to leave you..." I don't know what Z is saying to me, even as his lip's move. Everything is humming too loudly now. It's all I am in this moment- throbbing and gasping, pain and noise.

  I am so tired. This exhaustion is so great, I can't fight it any longer. I need to sleep now.

  With a final glance at Z, I close my eyes as he grabs for me. I can feel him shaking me, but suddenly, I'm just too tired to care.

  Whispering, I say my goodbye.

  “I wish I could love you, Z.

  But I am gone...”

  Part 2

  Death

  Friday, June 17

  CHAPTER 21

  "Open your eyes, sweetheart. I know you're here. I know you can hear me. Just open your eyes. If you want me to leave, I will. If you want me to stay, I will. Please, love. Open Your Eyes for me..."

  I can't. I don't want to see you. I said goodbye. I said it to you especially. Please leave me here, alone. I want to be alone now. I want to be alone... forever.

  "Open your eyes. Talk to me. I'm trying to help you. If you don't talk to me or Mack, we’ll lose you. Your husband and parents want you with them in Chicago. They want to take you away, so you have to Talk To Me. I need to talk to you, to help you." Oh.

  They'll do it anyway. They’ll take me. I knew they would. I can't fight them. They always win.

  "Open your FUCKING eyes. Right now! Do you hear me?! I'm very disappointed in you. You're being very bad. Open your eyes! NOW!" Oh god.

  Z's disappointed in me? He sounds so angry. He hates me. I should apologize. He should stay away. I'm not trying to be bad. I want to be good for Z.

  "I'm s-sorry..." Was that out loud or was that whisper in my head?

  "Oh, FUCK!” Flinch. "You're here. Open your eyes, sweetheart. Look at me! Look at me please!"

  I can't, but I'm trying. My eyes are so tired, I can't lift them. Please... Z is mad at me. Please, open. Slowly, I feel the need to blink. Oh god, the light.

  "It’s too bright… hurts..." I hear movement.

  "Fuck, sweetheart. There. The lights are off. Come on, open your eyes again. I need to see those gorgeous eyes of yours... Please."

  "My head hurts..." I choke.

  Looking around again, I try to clear my head. I feel so slow and my brain feels like its smashing up against my skull with each movement I make. Actually, I feel like I ha
ve a nasty hangover without the previous night of fun. It's just too much for my eyes and head. It's just too much to look at Z.

  "What happened to me?" I whisper with my eyes shut again.

  “After you collapsed, Mack and I brought you to the hospital by ambulance…" HOSPITAL! "… No! Wait. You're okay. Mack is one of your physicians at the moment, and he's been taking good care of you. It's okay. Listen to me before you freak out. Please."

  "I'm trying. Does my family know where I am?" I ask squinting. God, I would kill for some sunglasses right now.

  "Yes. They've been here."

  "Do they know about you and me?" What are we? Are we even a 'we'? No. I don’t think so.

  "No. They know I was with you when you were admitted. That's all. The story is we ran into each other, accidentally near my apartment, I could tell you weren't feeling well, I invited you to my home so you could call your family, and it was there that you collapsed. It's all a little too coincidental and quite frankly, pretty lame as far as stories go, but neither your parents, nor your husband have questioned me further. Actually, your husband shook my hand and thanked me for helping you. Fuck. I wanted to punch him in the face, but sadly, I didn’t."

  Even through my squinted eyes I can see Z looks like he's going to throw up after telling me that. He really doesn't seem to like Marcus much. You and me both Z.

  "But I didn't meet you before."

  "And conveniently, your parents don't remember me NOT meeting you at some function or other over the years. They were just so thrilled that a 'Williams' helped you, and therefore, OBVIOUSLY understandsthe Upper Class‘Code of Silence’, that they didn't seem to remember that I hadn't in fact met you as a child. Their relief in my name created their ignorance."