I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  Having no romantic attachments has been the only thing I could rely on during this last three and a half months of hell. Because of this romantic disinterest and detachment for Mack, I could talk to him openly about all the bad sex stuff, in detail. I could talk to him without fear of judgment or even disgust by him, because he is just my Doctor but mostly my friend.

  Not that I could disgust him. Lord knows I should've by now, but he never has been. Once in a while he would choke up, or suddenly take me in his arms to comfort me, though I suspect some of the time, he needed some comfort as well. Most of the time however, he could seem completely immune to the horrors I recounted and relived with him, and it was this seeming emotional detachment to the horrors, which allowed me to tell of the events honestly and freely without fear of judgment.

  Mack can stay sane and impartial when I need it. But he also seems to know, or to understand when I need him to react, and he does so accordingly. He seems to always know what I need, when I need it. Even when I have no clue what I need from one moment to the next, Mack always does. Mack seems to always know when I need him and when I need my solitude.

  Now, months later, we are so comfortable with each other and our friendship, we can joke and talk about normal stuff too. He even sits and watches TV with me in my room, or sometimes Mack even talks about his own life with me, like friends would. We have an actual friendship with each other. He even confides in me, and trusts me with a few secrets of his own, and I love him all the more for his trust in me.

  Once, after a particularly grueling session early on, I jokingly threatened to report him to the Psychiatric Review Board for being 'inappropriate', when he had taken me into his arms for a huge, comforting hug, (which I had desperately needed at the time.)

  Pulling away from me, Mack grinned and said, "I dare you. I'm the Doctor and you're just the crazy patient. Who do you think they'll believe?" And that was it. He issued a threat with humor, and I wasn't afraid of him. I just understood he was teasing me. We broke the doctor/patient barrier, and became honest friends.

  Mack and I have even talked about my 'neediness'. I was afraid I was making him too important in my life because I've never had a real, good, loving friend before. And as usual, Mack was okay with my neediness and all the attachment I place on him. Mack explained that, ‘yes, I was in fact holding onto him tightly and yes, it could develop into an emotional dependency, but that he would monitor it closely, and make sure I didn't become 'crippled' by my emotional attachment to him’.

  I remember exhaling and thanking him for being smart enough to know when I was panicking, and when I was too needy. Mack just smiled and said "Why wouldn't you want me close? I'm doctorly serious, good looking, and dorky fun... What better guy to want by your side?" And it is that Mack that I love.

  Mack is my ‘forever friend’. I actually have a ‘forever friend’ in Mack, which is awesome. He is 'my person’ too. I remember watching Grey's Anatomy with Mack one night, a show I had never seen before that particular night with Mack (to his utter horror.) After I told him I liked it, he ran out and bought a small TV/DVD combo for my room, and the first 6 seasons of the show for us to watch together.

  When I first heard Christina call Meredith ‘her person', I burst into tears. Crying, I just stared at Mack. He said not a word, just smiled and nodded at me, which of course, made me cry harder. Mack just knew, understood, and accepted his role in my life, as ‘my person’.

  Mack has even told me he loves being ‘my person’, and after that night we made 'Relax Night'. So, every Sunday and Wednesday we watch two, sometimes three episodes of Grey’s Anatomy together. We're up to season 6 now, and Mack is excited to buy all remaining season box sets for us.

  I love Mack. Honest and truly. He is everything to me, without all the romantic, sexual, or physical stuff getting in the way. And though he tells me I'm attractive when I'm feeling particularly low, or vulnerable; Somehow he manages to say it convincingly, without freaking me out, without making me sexually nervous or scared of him.

  Mack is an attractive, tall man. But somehow he has made himself ‘my person’, my doctor and my friend, while never threatening me, or making me fear him. He is truly an amazing man, the only truly good man I have ever known, and I thank god every day that he was brought into, and chose to stay, in my life.

  CHAPTER 30

  "Good morning, Suzanne. How was your night?"

  "Very well, Dr. MacDonald. How was yours?" I grin. I'm practically bouncing in my chair. Come on. Come on! Tell me!

  "My evening went quite well. Thank you for asking." Dammit!

  "FINE! I'll beg… HOW WAS IT?!"

  "Good." He smirks.

  "Ugh! You’re such an ass! Mack spill it, or I'll hit you, I swear to god! You know I will. You know I can, actually..." I giggle.

  "Yes, I know. Don't remind me." He says laughing.

  Dammit. I can't take it anymore. I charge him. Running for him, I grab him around the waist and squeeze tightly.

  "I swear to god, if you don't talk I’ll go postal all over your ass, and then you’ll have to start all over again with me. Tell me!"

  And pulling away from me, Mack finally smiles. Like a real smile. Oh, this is going to be good.

  Walking away from me, Mack sits in his chair, leans back, calmly crosses his legs in front of himself at the ankles, takes a long, slow sip of his coffee and studiously ignores me. Jesus Christ! I’m gonna kill him! He’s totally messing with me right now. The bastard!

  Finally, he speaks. "Last night went very well. Kayla and I had a great time. She was charming and funny, and she has a truly wicked sense of humor. She actually kept me on my toes all night, but it didn't feel exhausting, it felt very exciting."

  "AND...?" Jeez... I'm dying here.

  "And what? We had a very good time. She said she wants to see me again. She thinks I'm a perfectly 'respectable' doctor, though she said she hopes to make me a little un-respectable."

  "Holy SHIT! SHE SAID THAT?!"

  "Yup." He’s smiling so big now that he’s absolutely adorable to me.

  I have wanted Kayla and Mack to hook-up for months now. Actually it seems like I have wanted Mack and Kayla to get together forever. I was just shy of obsessed with the idea. But he insisted I was his priority at this point in time, no matter how much I insisted otherwise. I was really feeling bad about it. I wanted Mack to have a life, but it felt like his whole life revolved entirely around me and my drama.

  Finally, after secretly talking to Kayla, I convinced Mack to call and ask her out. Apparently she teased him right from 'hello', and Mack was smitten immediately. God, I hope this works out. It seems like it could. They are both just so great, so it seems like they should be great together.

  When my phone rings I jump, but reach for it anyway. Old habits die hard apparently.

  "Hello?"

  "Is he there? Don't say anything if he is! Is he?" Oh, shit. It's Kayla.

  "Yes, um, thank you."

  "Do you know how to play this game? Come on Suzanne, have you ever played the 'answer all the questions without answering a single question obviously' game?" What?!

  "No, but thank you for asking." Was that good?

  "Dammit. You suck at this." Giggle.

  "I'm sorry, I am trying. This is my first time you know," I say as another giggle escapes.

  "Oh, shit. You're gonna give me away, I know it."

  "Thank you. I'm sure I can handle that..." I can't stop smiling.

  This is so much fun. Do people actually play this game?

  "Fuck. Fine. Did he say he had fun? Did he like me?" Kayla begs.

  "Yes, that's right. I'm sure that's what was said at the time."

  "Okay, you're not too bad at this game. Is he looking forward to seeing me again?"

  "Yes, thank you again. It was wonderful... ah, hearing from you."

  "What the hell does that mean? Are you hanging up on me?!"

  "Ah... no. It was wonderful, as I said."

&nbs
p; "Oh. That's good. Did he say he had a good time with me, um, in bed?"

  "WHAT?! NO, he didn’t!" Shit.

  "HE DIDN’T HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH ME IN BED?!”

  "No! No, that wasn't what I meant."

  Shit! Mack is right beside me now with his doctorly face on. I can tell he's just itching to grab the phone. He always gets involved when I get the bad calls. Dammit. This is too stressful. He thinks I'm freaking because of someone bad. Kayla's freaking ‘cause she thinks he didn't think she was good in bed. Argh. What do I do?

  "Um, one moment, please." I hear Kayla yell 'what?!' as I cover the phone on my chest.

  "I'm fine Mack. It's nothing. Would you mind if I had a little privacy for a minute. Just a few minutes, I promise."

  "Suzanne, you are obviously getting stressed out. Who is it? What are they saying to you?"

  "Ah, it's...." Oh my god. I can't think. I've totally drawn a blank.

  "Suzanne. Let me handle this for you."

  "No! It's fine! I'm fine!"

  "Suzanne... What’s wrong? Please tell me. No secrets, remember?"

  "Um..."

  "Suzanne, I can't help when you don't tell me what's going on, and how you're feeling. I need to know. You know this."

  "It's not like that Mack..." Crap. I can't lie to him. "Okay, fine! It's Kayla. And she's playing a game called something like 'answer all my questions without letting him know you're answering my questions obviously', or something like that. I don't know. I think I suck at it, but in my defense, I've never had a friend before, so I've never played it before, so it's not really my fault if I suck at it!" There! I spilled. Big exhale.

  Smiling, Mack asks, "May I?" as he takes the phone from me. Shit.

  "Good morning, Kayla. No. No she didn't tell on you. Suzanne was feeling a little stressed out because she was playing the age-old game of 'tell me without sounding like you're telling me', as we men like to call it. Uh huh. Yes, that's right. Yes, she is aware that she sucks at it, but I'm sure with some practice you and she will have the perfectly sneaky, underhanded, often manipulative game down pat. Oh, I see. You would like me to shove my head where?"

  What?! That's it. I'm done. Sitting on my bed, I start howling with laughter. They are too funny. I love these two together. I can't wait for their first fight, it's going to be hilarious to watch. God, I hope I'm there to see it.

  "Yes, I very much enjoyed myself. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself as well. I look forward to Tuesday night as well... Yes, all night. Yes. Okay. See you Tuesday. Pardon? Yes, I'll relay the message. Bye Kayla.”

  He’s smiling again. God, Mack is just so cute. "Apparently, though you suck at the game, being as it was your first time, Kayla promises not to kick your ass, and she’s sorry she stressed you out, and she’s going to call you later for 'proper' details, as she put it. Oh, and she said I had better give you proper details, so that you can tell her later... behind my back."

  This is just too funny. At least I don't throw myself into a panic anymore at the mere thought that I may disappoint someone, or that they may be mad at me. That's growth, for sure. I can even handle little bouts of stress now without throwing up, or crying myself into dehydration.

  "So? What should I tell you? What are you comfortable hearing, do you think?"

  "I don't know. It's not about me. It's not my stuff, so I think I'll be okay. What do you want to tell me?"

  "Well, Kayla and I had a lovely meal, followed by only 2 drinks, so sobriety wasn't an issue, and when we were about to leave, Kayla suggested I follow her to her apartment. Which I did, gladly." Smirk. "Once there, we talked, listened to music, made out like teenagers on the couch, and then moved to the bedroom. I'll spare you the specific details, but please relay to Kayla the fact that you were right, she is really good in bed." Annnnd another huge smile from Mack.

  "Okay. That’s what I’ll tell her. I'm glad you had a good time, Mack. You should. You're awesome, and you spend way too much time with me. I, ah, actually really want you and Kayla to work out because you're both really good people." Exhale.

  I’m okay. I'm good.

  ==========

  "Where are you, Suzanne? What's going on?"

  "Nothing. I’m nowhere. This isn't about me, at all. I'm glad you had a good time last night, honestly."

  "I know you're happy for me, well, us, but there's more."

  "There isn't. Last night was about you two. You even had sex. Wow. How long has it been, Mack?" I smirk at him.

  "You're deflecting. But to tell the truth, it's been forever. Thank god, I wasn't rusty at it." He says grinning.

  "Oh, I'm sure it's like riding a bike or something."

  "Oh, it's like riding something, all right."

  "Mack! You dirty bugger. I'm going to tell Kayla you said that!"

  "Please do. Something tells me she would enjoy the analogy." Grinning, I agree with him- Kayla would love that sarcasm.

  Moving from our chairs, I start refolding my t-shirts.

  "Okay, Suzanne, deflection time is over. Yes, last night wasn't about you, at all, but today IS about you. This is our time. You and me time- so talk."

  "I don't know. I just feel sad, or lonely, or something. I can't explain it. I was so happy about playing the game with Kayla, like friends. And I was also happy for you. I was bouncing all night, waiting for details, I almost called your cell 500 times. Oh! Thank god I didn't... that would've been embarrassing. Anyway, everything was good. I wasn't even panicky about Kayla maybe being mad at me, but then I just suddenly felt sad."

  Breathing a big exhale, I turn to Mack. Mack waits, like he always does, in case I have a little more to say after these big confessions. Nope. That's it I think. I don’t feel anything else wrong right now.

  "When did the sadness hit you? At which point?"

  "Um...after I was laughing. When Kayla told you to shove your head up your ass, I assume. I was sitting laughing, and then you got to the sex stuff with her, and that's when the sadness hit."

  "Very good. That's probably exactly when it hit. Sex."

  "No. Not like that. I'm not thinking about all my bad stuff. I was just thinking about you and Kayla having sex. That's what makes me sad."

  "Kayla and I being intimate makes you sad, like in a jealous sort of way? Are you jealous of us having sex? Or are you jealous because I had sex with Kayla?" What?! Oh, I get it.

  "No, it wasn't the 'you' part. I'm cool with that. No worries. I haven't slipped from needing your love and friendship, to needing you like that. The ‘you and Kayla’ part I want really badly. And I don't think of you like that, still. Thank god, ‘cause I'd be a total mess if I did. It was just maybe the 'make out like teenagers' thing, or just the happy sex thing... I don't know."

  "Maybe it’s a combination of both, Suzanne. You have really never had either. You were never touched appropriately as a teenager, so you didn't live through and enjoy the kind of sexual rite of passage that teenagers experiment with. And you've never enjoyed sex, or thought it was good, except during a time when your life was falling apart. You really have no true, real experience with it, therefore when I describe it so comfortably, so normally, you really don't know how to process it. Sex is NOT normal for you."

  Total silence follows his words. I think Mack is waiting again for me to participate in the conversation. Shit. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know what I feel right now, other than sadness.

  "I know sex isn’t ‘normal’ for me Mack. But will it ever be?" I whisper.

  "I hope so. I want that for you. I want you to have normal experiences, under normal circumstances. But do you want that?"

  "Of course I do… in theory. I just really don't know how to get there."

  “It'll take time, Suzanne. It’ll take time and much trust with yourself and with your potential partner. You’ll know when you're ready, and you'll hopefully know how to ask for what you want from your partner."

  “I guess so. Time and trust. Okay.”

  "Suzanne,
do you know what you want? Sexually?"

  "No. Sex is broken down to the three categories so severely that I don't know how to get one or the other or even which one I want."

  "The three categories?"

  "You know, Mack. You're just trying to get me to say them. I can you know. I can say them now."

  "I'm sure you can. Would you like to?" Dammit.

  "You're being really 'Dr. MacDonald' right now."

  "Imagine that." Shithead! Honestly.

  "You're a real shithead sometimes. You know that?"

  "Yes, I do. Many people seem to tell me that. Thank god, I'm too much of a shithead to care what others think. Stop deflecting. Say them Suzanne."

  "Fine! Fucking. Sex. And making love. There! The Big Three. Are you happy?"

  "Are you?" Argh...

  "No. Not really, but that's the point, right? Make me say the things I don't like, so you can make me talk about why I don't like them, and then I can grow and learn how to get through the obstacles, right?"

  "That about sums it up, yes," Mack says and waits during this long silence.

  "What are you thinking about, right now?"

  "Z, actually." Dammit.

  "What about Z, specifically?"

  "Just the sex, I guess. It was just sex, I think, though he said making love... I don't know that it really was. I don't know. I'm confused."

  "Was it sex or making love for you?"

  "I don't know. It was really good- like awesome good. I remember that. There was no bad involved and I even enjoyed myself. That was the first and only time I have ever enjoyed anything with sex..."

  "But...?"

  "But he doesn't love me, so it couldn't have been making love even though he said so. I remember Z asking me once ‘in general, would you call your marital relations making love, having sex, or just fucking’ and all I could think at the time was ‘Christ! I don’t know. It’s not like I was an active participant.’ And even now when I think back on Z’s question, I still don’t know anything about any of the three...