I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  “…Well actually, I think I have ‘fucking’ down, because being wretchedly fucked was all that was done to me when I was young. But I don’t know what Marcus did to me, other than fucking me until I hurt, even though I think he loved me, in his own way. And I have absolutely NO idea what Z did to me, because I loved him, I think, but he didn’t love me, and he didn’t hurt me so ‘fucking’ is out, but then we couldn’t have ‘made love’ because he doesn’t love me, so that leaves just sex, but it feels like more than ‘just sex’ I think, at least for me. So I’m confused… and just sad.”

  Waiting for Mack to respond, I take many slow deep breathes to keep the panic at bay. I really am getting much better at this. Controlling the panic is becoming easier and easier by the day. If only I had known how to control myself a few months ago, maybe I wouldn’t be here now. Then again, maybe I needed to be here. Or maybe…

  “Suzanne, stay with me. I see you thinking in circles, and struggling with one reality and then the next. Let’s just try to focus on these questions for the moment, okay?”

  “I’m trying. I did stop an impending panic-attack Mack, so that’s good, right?”

  “Absolutely. You’re doing very well considering the topic.”

  “Thanks…” I mumble.

  “Okay Suzanne, I’m going to speak to you person to person here. There will be no clinical terms, and Dr. MacDonald has left the building, okay?” When I nod, Mack continues, “I want you to try to think of ‘The Big Three’ not in terms of three types of sex, but rather as simply sex with three different elements, or even styles, or intensity...

  “…For example, a typical man can fuck a woman he loves, or cares very little for. He can also have plain sex with a woman he loves or cares very little for, depending on his mood, or even hers. And a man is absolutely capable of making love with a woman he either cares for, or truly loves. Making love requires, generally, either strong affection for, or love for, but sometimes can occur without either of those emotional attachments, though that is somewhat rare...

  “…Sex can happen with any emotion. A male or female can just have sex for sex’s sake, whether they love, care for, or even like the partner involved. Now ‘fucking’ is the tricky part, and the one I think you struggle with the most...

  “...Fucking isn’t necessarily about abuse, though to you it always has been. For the average person who hasn’t experienced the abusive atrocities that you have, fucking can be just that- fucking. People who fuck are people in a consenting relationship who enjoy fucking, some of the time, or all of the time. They are not abused because they participate in the enjoyable, wild, often intensely satisfying experience of fucking. When both partners are feeling highly sexual, fucking can occur, even though they may or may not love or care for each other strongly. Some couples madly in love even fuck from time to time, or even every time. Fucking is generally just a speed and intensity difference from normal sex, and love making...

  “…I think you confuse what was done to you as fucking. You weren’t fucked, Suzanne. You were raped; repeatedly, violently, and against your will as a child. You may see it as fucking, and you may need to see it or categorize it as ‘fucking’ because the word rape makes you uncomfortable but the fact of the matter is this; You were RAPED. You were sexually abused as a child, you were never fucked as two consenting adults may or may not do within a relationship at any given time. You were raped as a child by grown men looking to hurt you. You were not fucked, Suzanne…

  “…So, “The Big Three’ as you call them, is really all the same- sex, but with varying degrees and edges. As a man, I can make love, have sex with, and fuck a woman without abuse of any kind, and I can do all of this without hurting her. There is no such thing as sex against someone’s will that is not rape. You have known very little sex in your life without rape, or at least a form of sexual abuse attached, therefore, again, I think you confuse what was done to you with what an average man, or even average couples do with one another. To you, everything seems so cut and dry. Am I correct?”

  “Yes…” Dammit, I’m kind of crying again.

  “Suzanne, it’s okay to feel like this, given your circumstances and how old you were when all the abuse occurred. I’m not telling you you’re wrong to confuse fucking with rape; I’m just trying to put your feelings into another context for you to think about.”

  “I know. I’ll think about everything you said Mack.”

  God, I feel crappy. All tired or something. I don't know how I feel, but it's not pleasant. I’m all, like, dirty feeling, and itchy or something. My skin feels like it’s actually crawling.

  "Mack, I don't really feel like doing this today. Okay?"

  "Suzanne... We always start on this path, at least a dozen times or so, but every time you stop. And every time I allow you to stop. But this time, I think you should continue... Can you try to continue?"

  "Mack... I really don't want to. Please? Not today, okay?"

  "Suzanne. It's time, I think. Z was a very important, though short-lived period in your life..."

  "I know! Mack, I'm very aware of how important Z was at the time, and even still is, I guess. But I just can't. I'm going to see Marcus tomorrow, and you and I are supposed to go shopping this afternoon, and, and I just can't! It's just too much today. It still really hurts, and I want to be strong for tomorrow. Please, Mack? Please, not today?"

  "Okay. We'll talk about all this another time. But we will talk about it, understood?"

  "Yes, of course. I will. Just not today."

  Exhaling, I know I've won this round. Mack always tries, but he stops when I just can't go further. That's the good thing about Mack, he doesn't force me to do or say things. He just tries to push me in a certain direction, but if I can't go there, he backs off until another time. Mack once told me it was counter-productive to force me to talk about the things I was forced to do.

  I have to get ready anyway, Mack and I are going shopping soon.

  CHAPTER 31

  I've been living in the 'Private Clinic' section of the hospital for two months now. And though I have many freedoms, I'm still not allowed to officially leave, until Mack (and I) decide… which we finally have.

  Next Saturday, I'm leaving the hospital. I have two options, or rather two choices, and depending on Marcus tomorrow, I'll make my final choice. It's time. I'm doing much better, and Mack and I agree that I should leave the hospital.

  Leaving today for a 'cardio-round' of shopping as Mack calls it, I'm excited... and nervous. I really want to buy some clothes, but I'm still a little freaked out by the whole 'Macy's Incident', as I call it. But Mack will be with me, and he has promised not to grumble like a man the whole time. He even promised to carry my bags if I promise to let him go to a Best Buy. Mack is such a man when it comes to electronics. Honestly.

  With all the proper paperwork filled out for my day pass, Mack and I are off. Walking me to the parking lot, I'm still bouncing a little, though trying to calm down. Smiling at Mack maybe a little too frequently, he returns my smile with a gentle side hug. God, he is just so good to me.

  I love Mack's car. It's awesome. It's such a Man car. The first time I saw it I was totally overwhelmed. It's a candy apple red Porsche Carrera. Seriously. When I stopped still, he smiled, laughed, and explained that after all the years of medical school, all the jobs he worked throughout, and all the years of no sleep, he felt he deserved one real Doctor-thing... his Porsche.

  And then I saw the license plate and burst out laughing. Mack is a really good psychiatrist. Mack is amazing, and funny, and warm, and normal. I laughed for a good ten minutes as we drove away from the hospital for the first time. It was wonderful to just laugh away all the stress of leaving the hospital for a quick bite to eat for the very first time since I broke down.

  And there it is again, and I still grin. I'm finally relaxed now, as I buckle in, and prepare to shop. I'm in the gorgeous, fast, manly candy apple red Porsche Carrera, with the funny amazing shrink, with his
very funny license plate... ’U think?’

  ==========

  Five hours in, two thousand dollars spent, and 3 coffees later, I'm doing well. Mack, however, looks totally spent. I almost feel bad for him, but he insisted he come with me for moral support, even after New York Kayla begged him to let her take me. Now, he looks like he wants to kill himself. Oh! Funny.

  "Why are you laughing?"

  "Because you look cooked."

  "I'm fine. Honestly. Is there anywhere else you want to go?" He looks like he's pouting.

  "Mack, you're pouting."

  "Am not." He says with a very dramatic pout.

  "Are to." I laugh.

  "No, I'm good. Let's go. Where to next?"

  "Best Buy?"

  "Oh, thank GOD! Honestly, Suzanne, I don't get it! How the hell can you try on basically the exact same blouse, in four different stores, and still not purchase it, until you try on the exact same blouse in the fifth store? Its madness, I tell you... Madness!"

  Grinning, I take his hand and lead him out of the mall. The poor bugger. He looks totally drained, and that was only 5 hours of shopping. New York Kayla and I had planned a 12 hour, 9 to 9 shopping marathon.

  After Best Buy, which I found ridiculously boring, until I bought myself an iPad that is, we finally leave for food. Mack is so starving; he doesn't know that he can even drive. But when I offer to drive his ‘baby’, he suddenly comes to life again. Men.

  ==========

  When we arrive at the restaurant and take our seats, Mack instantly looks all doctorly. Shit. Here we go. He was just my friend Mack all day shopping. He complimented me when I needed it. He even weighed in on a few skirts or blouses when questioned. He was very relaxed and friendly... No Dr. MacDonald in sight. Now, he's here, looking anxious to speak.

  "Go ahead Mack. Say it, or ask it."

  "Let's order first. Then we can talk, okay?"

  "Ah, okay." Dammit.

  After we order there is an uncomfortable silence between us. This is rare. Mack and I can and do talk about everything. Rarely is there a silence, especially an uncomfortable one. I find myself stressing out.

  "What did I do wrong, Mack?" Ooops. Flinch. Old habits, again.

  "Suzanne... You know you did nothing wrong, at all. Please don't revert."

  "Sorry. But you're stressing me out. What's wrong then? Just say it."

  "I apologize. I'm not trying to stress you out, though I’m very aware of the fact that I'm doing just that. I'm merely trying to formulate my thoughts to best present them to you." Shit.

  "Mack you’re speaking very doctorly right now. Just say it. Don't worry about it. I'm good."

  "You are more than good, Suzanne. You were wonderful today. I rarely saw you come close to panic. And when you did have that one tear-filled moment by the dressing-rooms, I watched you work through the moment until you could function again. I watched you struggle with the present and past, and inevitably, you came out of the past, with no help from me. You did amazingly well for your first real time out since May."

  "Thank you. But…?"

  "There is no but. I'm just concerned about tomorrow for you. I'm worried that today and tomorrow will be too much in such a short period of time. Believe me, I have faith in you and I think you can handle it, but I'm concerned that you won't think you can handle it."

  "Me too, but you'll be there, right? So if I need a minute or if it starts going badly, you'll be there to help me, right?"

  "Of course. I’ll help you, or even stop the meeting if it becomes too much. I hope it won't become too much, but I'm not sure of Marcus and his motivation. He didn't tell me what this is about, so I'm going in as blind as you are, and that's where my nervousness for you stems from."

  Oh Shit. If Mack doesn't know what Marcus wants, I'm screwed, I think. I assumed Mack did know, and therefore, he could prevent anything bad from being said, or from happening. Huh. This makes tomorrow even harder now. I kinda wish he hadn't told me any of this.

  As our food arrives, I try to eat, I really do. Mack keeps prompting me to eat, but I'm just too worried now to handle food. Chewing, the food even tastes gross in my mouth.

  "Suzanne, I really am sorry. I see the error I just made. I wanted to prepare you for any potential upset tomorrow, but I did it poorly. I don't want you stressed out all evening, but I realize I have done just that to you. Again, I am very sorry. Doctorly mistake?"

  Laughing, I nod, "It’s okay, Mack. I know what you were trying to do. I'll be fine. I just hate unknowns now. I'm trying hard every day to accept the fact that I can't control everything in my life, but I still hate it. Honestly, I know you'll be there, and I trust you to intervene if it becomes bad, so I'll be fine."

  "I know you'll be fine. I know you can handle whatever comes at you. We'll handle everything that comes at you, together. I'm just a little nervous myself about Marcus." Ha!

  "Me, too. Marcus freaks me out, but I think I just want to get all this over with."

  "Good. Okay. Now, can you please eat a little, so we can get out of here. I think you and I need a Grey's Anatomy night, don't you?"

  "God, yes."

  ==========

  When we arrive back to my room, New York Kayla is waiting for us. I was recently granted a key for my room. Mack, of course, has a key, and there is an emergency key at the nurses’ station down the hall, but I still get to lock my door now. That was a big step.

  Seeing Kayla, I'm so excited. She's going to appreciate my new clothes. She’s going to love ripping open my bags, upending them on my bed, rummaging through them, 'oohing and aahing' as required.

  Pulling me into a hug, Kayla turns and very seriously extends her hand and says way to sternly, "Good afternoon Dr. MacDonald. I do hope you had a pleasant day shopping with Suzanne."

  "Why yes, Kayla. Shopping in a mall for 5 hours, debating the exact same clothing in 9 different stores is a secret love of mine... Thank you for asking."

  "As I suspected Dr. MacDonald."

  Oh, come on! They are too funny, and silly and actually kinda stupid right now. God, just kiss her or something. Unlocking and opening my door, I shove Kayla inside, and turn to Mack as he walks in.

  "Kiss her! Right now, Mack! Give Kayla a kiss. I won't look. I promise." Both stare at me like I'm insane (again). But I don't care as I turn my back, tap my foot on the ground, rather dramatically, and hum the Jeopardy theme.

  "Suzanne. He kissed me. You can turn around now."

  Turning to them, Kayla's lipstick is a little messy, Mack's wiping his mouth casually, and Kayla and Mack are both blushing. Ha! That was fun. I love, love, love making other people blush.

  "Okay, good. Though I must say, that was highly inappropriate and unprofessional Dr. MacDonald. Now, could you please leave Kayla and I alone for maybe a half hour so she and I can go through all my new clothes. Its kind of a 'Chick-thing', from what I've recently been told."

  "Of course. I'll just run back to my car and read the instructions to all my new guy things. Call my cell when I can return. We have some Grey's Anatomy to watch."

  "Thanks, Mack," I say hugging him.

  "'Highly inappropriate and unprofessional' huh? You are so busted for that later, Suzanne." Mack whispers as he kisses my cheek and leaves grinning.

  "Kayla. I'll talk to you later."

  "I look forward to it, Dr. MacDonald." Kayla salutes him. A salute?

  Mack actually paused, gaping at her for a second, before laughing as he walked out the door.

  Okay. Done. Man gone. Girl time. I gotta get the goods from Kayla about last night.

  Walking to my bed, Kayla upends all my bags, just as I knew she would. Lying out all the clothes by type, she makes neat little piles while still not looking at me. Blouses, skirts, pants, and even a few sweaters are neatly piled on top of each other. Holding my fabulous new pair of heels, Kayla finally turns to me with the biggest smile I've seen from her yet. Wow. She looks amazing.

  "He was AWESOME! Honest to god!
He was incredible in bed. I didn't know how good he would be. Actually, I kinda thought I would be better, and I’d have to, like, teach him some moves, or something, but NOTHING! He did everything, just, awesome! Holy shit, Suzanne! He's like a Sex-God, or something!"

  "Wow. Really?" Mack?

  "I'm not kidding you. I think I thought because he's a doctor, or maybe because he doesn't act like a sexual Dynamo, or like a player or something, that he'd be just okay, or something. I thought he was probably just a standard kind of 'missionary man', but missionary… HE WAS NOT!"

  "Wow. Really?" Jeez... Can I speak?

  "Really. He was AWESOME! Mack is like, all skilled or something. He was totally all about me, and my pleasure... and he didn't even ask me, or talk about it, or like have to fumble around to see what turned me on, he just knew. He was incredible, right from the first kiss to my last orgasm."

  "Wow. REALLY?!" Oh, come on! Say anything else!

  "Suzanne, is this okay? You seem to be a little weirded out or something. If this is too much...?"

  "No. I'm fine. Honestly. It's just… I kinda thought the same way- NOT that I really ever think about Mack and sex, but when I do… I mean, I thought Mack would be really kind and gentle in bed, maybe very slow and romantic, but I didn't really think of him as the Sexual Dynamo type. That's all."

  "I know. It was a total shock to me, too. Believe me. But Mack was just so good in bed. I didn't want him to leave. I knew he had to, and it's a little early for overnighters, but I really, really wanted him to stay with me. But he says he's staying all night Tuesday, and I can't wait!"

  "Good. I'm glad. Mack was fairly smitten this morning as well. I think he really likes you too. He didn't kiss and tell like you are, but he didn't really have to. He was extra smiley this morning."