I am HER...

by Walker, Sarah Ann

  "So was I! My god! What that man can do with his hands and mouth was incredible..." blush "... Mack definitely has the moves and experience of a real man. Like a man who gets off on the woman's pleasure or something. He was so thorough and attentive, and sexy as hell. He’s like a Lover, something you read about but think doesn’t really exist outside of a novel." And another blush for me.

  “‘A novel lover’? Wow! I hadn’t thought Mack could be like that.”

  A novel-lover? I had a novel-lover once. I knew a novel-lover. I remember feeling my novel-lover touch me. I remember my novel-lover. I still feel him sometimes. Where is he now?

  "Suzanne? Suzanne, are you okay? Fuck! I'm sorry. Suzanne, why are you crying? Shit. I'm going to call Mack, okay?"

  I have no words. I have only my silence. I think I'm frozen. I'm not having a panic-attack. My breathing is fine. I can feel everything in my body. I know I'm here, but I just can’t move. Nothing is moving...

  I'm stuck.

  CHAPTER 32

  "Suzanne? Can you talk to me? Suzanne?”

  “Hi, Mack.” Finally, words.

  “Suzanne, are you here with me?”

  “Yes. She’s here.”

  “Suzanne. Are you here with me?”

  “No. Not really… I’m stuck Mack.” What?!

  What the hell is happening? What does that mean? What the hell is stuck? I don’t know how to stop this. What’s happening to me?

  “Suzanne? It’s Kayla. Can you hear me? Can you talk to me?”

  “No. I just really want to sleep for a little while, okay? Please, Kayla?”

  “Suzanne. Mack would really like to talk to you a bit. Can you talk to Mack for me? I really need you to talk to Mack. Please?” Kayla sounds all hysterical or something.

  “Suzanne. I need you to talk to me before you sleep. You know that’s our rule. Talk to me first, sleep second. That’s what we do, and I really would like you to follow our rules, okay?”

  “Mack, can I please be alone?”

  “No, Suzanne. I would like to sit here with you for awhile. Maybe I‘ll just watch Grey’s Anatomy while I wait for you.”

  “Mack… I’m stuck,” I whisper.

  “How are you stuck, Suzanne?”

  “Um…”

  I don’t know. What is this? I was fine. My brain is working. Everything is working just fine. Why can’t I speak properly? Why can’t I say what I mean? Why do I feel like this? I really, really don’t know what’s happening to me this time.

  “Suzanne, I’m going to talk with Kayla about what you and she were discussing. I’m going to try to understand the trigger for you. I need you to listen to Kayla and me. I’m watching you and I’m right here. Nothing will hurt you, and no one will touch you. I am right here beside you. Can you feel me holding your hand?” Oh. He is?

  “No. I can’t feel you. Sorry Mack.”

  “Do you feel me rubbing your palm with my hands?” Oh, there it is.

  “Yes, I feel you now. Thank you, Mack.” Christ, I sound like a robot or something. Why can’t I speak properly anymore?

  “Kayla. What were you discussing with Suzanne when you noticed her retreat?”

  “Shit, Suzanne. I’m gonna kill you for this!”

  “Kayla! No threats, please.”

  “I’m just joking, and I know Suzanne knows I’m just joking.”

  “Kayla. What were you talking about, specifically, when you finally noticed Suzanne’s retreat? Exact words, please.”

  I can’t even see where Kayla is standing. I think she’s beside me, but I can’t really see anything. It’s kind of like a tunnel or something I’m looking through.

  “Specifically, I had just told Suzanne about having sex with you. I told her how much I enjoyed myself, and I told her you were very good at sex.”

  “Okay. What did you say specifically about the sex?”

  “Nothing about the actual sex. I said you were really good, attentive, you knew what you were doing, and how I was pleasantly surprised. I called you a ‘Sexual Dynamo’, and that’s it…”

  Oh, I can’t see her, but I think I felt Kayla’s blush. The room just got really hot suddenly.

  “Suzanne? Are you still with me? Can you talk to me?”

  “She’s here.” She? Shit. “I mean, I’m here. I am. This is Suzanne. I know its Suzanne.”

  “Suzanne? Can you tell me what has you so despondent?”

  “No, I can’t. I’m stuck. I think I just can’t move forward, physically, or mentally, or something. I’m stuck here now. There is no back, and no forward. I don’t know what went wrong Mack. I can’t really see or feel. I’m just stuck.”

  “Suzanne, move your hands for me. I want you to move your hands and feet. Right now.” I’m trying. “Suzanne? Move your body, right now. You are NOT stuck. Physically, you are okay. You are fine. Move your body. Now, Suzanne.”

  Move body, Move…. There. My hands and feet are moving. I’m fine. I am NOT stuck. I can get out of here.

  “Oh god Mack, I’m so sorry. I really am sorry for all this. I was fine. I was. Kayla and I were just normal. I don’t know what’s wrong. I hate this feeling. I can move, see? I can. Please don’t be mad at me…” Shit. Here come more tears. Dammit.

  “Suzanne, listen to me. I am not mad at you. I’m not mad at all. I’m here and I’m working with you. We’re figuring this out, together. Suzanne, do you need Kayla to leave? Would that make this easier for you? We could just talk, you and me. What would you like?”

  “I’m sorry Kayla to have embarrassed you. I’m so sorry for all this. I wanted girl talk- I really did. I’m not sure what’s happening, but I just can’t really move or something. I’m so sorry. I promise you didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted to talk. I wanted to hear about your night. I wanted you to trust me. I’m sorry I failed…” Here I go. Honest to god, I am such a LOSER!

  “Suzanne. Stop! You did nothing wrong. You didn’t fail me at all. I just wish I knew what I said that made you this way. I’m very sorry. Would you like me to go? I’m not mad at you, and I won’t be offended. I know you need to be alone with Mack right now to talk. I’m absolutely fine with it. No worries, Suzanne, I promise.”

  “Thank you, Kayla. Will you still be my friend?”

  “Forever Suzanne. I’m not going to stop being your friend, just because you’ve embarrassed the hell out of me with Mack.” Oh, I hear her smile-voice.

  “Thank you. And I hear your smile-voice. I love that Kayla. I love yours and Mack’s, and Z’s…”

  OH FUCK!! Complete bodily reaction. Huge flinch and giant jump on the bed. My whole body just revolted against me! HOLY SHIT! Oh this hurts. Shit. Here it is. I can move now.

  Z! It’s always about Z!

  Now I can move. Vomiting right on the floor, and partially on Mack’s shoes, I nearly fall off the bed. If Mack wasn’t holding me upright I would have landed on my face.

  Trying to catch my breath, slowly the vomiting and nausea subside. Mack is still holding me, and I see Kayla moving around the room. My head is pounding and humming loudly. I am absolutely exhausted.

  “Mack. I’m so sick of all this Z shit. It never goes away. No matter what I do or think or say, Z is ALWAYS there. He never goes away. I’m never at peace. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s making me crazier, I think. Please tell me what to do!” I yell in between gags.

  “What about Z is bothering you? What is it specifically?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t… explain it.”

  “Suzanne. You were talking with Kayla about sex, and something set you off. Can you tell me what it was? Please. If I know what the trigger words are, we may be able to help you better deal with them.”

  Moaning my words, “It’s always him, Mack. I hate this. I HATE IT!”

  “What do you hate Suzanne?”

  “Kayla said you were amazing with your ‘hands and mouth’. You were awesome. You were incredible. It’s you Mack! I know it’s you. It’s not him. YOU were amazing and
Kayla thought she was in heaven with YOU. YOU are an amazing lover, Mack. It’s you now, I KNOW that, but it’s all twisted. Oh, this hurts…”

  “What hurts Suzanne?”

  “I’m done now Mack. I need to sleep. I’m done, and you can’t force me to talk. Remember? It’s ‘counter-productive’. You said so. You said it. I’m tired now Mack, and I’m done.”

  “Suzanne…?”

  “Good night Mack. I need to sleep for a while. I have to. I just can’t… be.”

  “You can’t be what, Suzanne? Talk to me. Tell me what you can’t be.”

  I’m not talking anymore. I’m not, and Mack can’t make me. I don’t want to talk anymore. This hurts, and I feel gross inside. Everything is painful and confusing. I can’t talk about it; I don’t know what to even say.

  Lying on my bed, I push all my new clothes to the floor. Actually, without thinking I pushed them to the other side of the bed, thank god. Puke-covered brand new clothing would have been really sad. Unlike this sadness, which is just, like, crippling or something.

  “Suzanne. I want you to stay with me and I would really like you to talk to me about what you’re feeling right now.”

  “I can’t Mack. I. Am. Done. Go play with Kayla. Use your amazing hands and mouth on Kayla. Please her like a lover from a novel. Be amazing again. I don’t care what you do, but please just leave me alone.”

  “Suzanne. Please, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just talking to my friend. I didn’t give actual sex details, so I thought we were okay. Please forgive me. Suzanne?”

  “Kayla, there’s nothing to forgive. You should have been able to talk to me. If I wasn’t such an insane asshole, you could have confided in me, but I am, so you can’t. I’m very sorry, but I just want you and Mack to go away. Go touch and love each other some more. Go fuck. Go have sex. Go do whatever you did last night that was so amazing. I don’t care, just don’t make me watch. That’s all. I just can’t watch it.”

  I think I just heard Kayla gasp, but I don’t really care anymore. The quicker she’s mad at me, the quicker she’s gone.

  “Suzanne…”

  “Mack did you fuck her last night, have sex with her, or did you actually make love with Kayla? Seriously. WHICH ONE?!”

  “Suzanne, is that truly what you want to know? Is that what you need to ask? Will knowing that make anything better for you right now?”

  “Yes, I believe it would Mack. Why? Are you too ashamed to answer the question? Are you embarrassed that you fucked her?” I hear another gasp. Is that Kayla? “Sorry, if this is too vulgar for you Kayla, but maybe you should hear what Mack has to say. Maybe you should know what you actually mean to him. Maybe if you know you were no more than a dirty cunt HOLE, he wouldn’t seem like such a ‘lover from a novel’, anymore?!”

  “Suzanne!” Ha! Both yelled in unison. Too cute.

  “Or maybe you should just leave Kayla, before you find out the truth. Whatever. I don’t really care anymore what either of you do. I just don’t care, but I want both of you out of my fucking room. Please just get the fuck away from me, I mean it. I’m done with you both.”

  Christ! I hate the silence. Just leave me alone, but neither will leave. Neither will leave me in hell, alone. What the fuck are they waiting for?!

  ‘What did you do, Mack? Did you FUCK her? Did you HURT her? Was it GOOD for you? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?”

  “Jesus Christ! Suzanne! We had SEX! Mack didn’t fuck me, and he certainly didn’t hurt me! We had amazing SEX, but if he plays his cards right, I have a feeling we’ll be making love in the future. That’s it! There was nothing bad between Mack and I. He was a gentleman, and really, really good at sex. HE was NOT them, Suzanne. And Mack didn’t hurt me, AT ALL!! MACK WAS…”

  “Kayla!! That’s enough. Suzanne doesn’t need you yelling at her.”

  “But she was accusing you of…”

  “These are her questions, and these are her feelings Kayla. This is how Suzanne expects things to be. Right, Suzanne? But Suzanne and I will discuss all these feelings and then she will process reality differently. Isn’t that right, Suzanne?” I can’t even answer him. I have nothing to give but silence.

  “You are not helping Suzanne, Kayla, though I suspect you very much want to.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m going to go now, but I want you to know Suzanne that I’m not angry with you. We’re still friends. I’m going to call you later. And I love you still. Please listen to Mack and try to get better. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

  “Good bye, Kayla. Thank you for everything. I liked keeping you for a while…” I whisper.

  ==========

  Christ my chest hurts. It’s like on fire or something. I haven’t felt this before, I don’t think. Maybe I’m dying. Maybe I’m having a heart attack. Maybe all this will finally be over. What?!

  Shit. I haven’t been here in a while. I’ve been really good. I’ve wanted to be better. I’ve wanted to get better. I really did. Now, I seem to want to let go again. Mack will be so pissed if I do though.

  “Suzanne. What are you feeling right now?”

  “I want to let go Mack. I’m tired again, and don’t really want to keep fighting, but I don’t want you to be angry with me. I know I promised you and I’m sorry.” Dammit. Here come the tears again. Within seconds, I’m sobbing.

  “Are you telling me you’re having your suicidal feelings again?”

  “Um… I don’t know. I’m just so tired Mack. I want to exhale again. It’s been so long since I just exhaled. Why can’t I? Please. Just let me let go.” I say on a gasp.

  “Not this time, Suzanne. You have just hit a roadblock, but we’ll work through it. We will get through this, just like we did with everything else. We will get through it together, and you will come out stronger than before. Today we went shopping, in a mall, no less. We went shopping, and you had fun, and you were strong. Could you have imagined doing that four months ago? No. You couldn’t. So today is what we Shrinks like to call ‘A Bad Day’. That’s all. Today has been a bad day, and tomorrow may be worse, or it may be better. But we have to get through today, together. You have to get through today.”

  “But I don’t want to Mack. I’m going to sleep now. Good bye, Mack. I’ll call you later, okay? I promise.”

  Just go. Why do I always have to beg for solitude? Everyone else on the planet gets to be alone when they want to be, but not me. I always have to talk to someone, or look at someone, or just sit beside someone. I am never allowed to be alone. I just want to be by myself.

  “Go ahead and rest Suzanne. It’s okay. Go to sleep, and we’ll talk later.”

  “Thank you, Mack. I’m sorry I suck. I love you very much.”

  “I love you too, Suzanne. And you don’t suck. You are a wonderful woman going through a particularly bad time in her life. Sleep well, Suzanne.” And leaning in, I feel Mack kiss my cheek as I close my eyes.

  Good night, Mack. You really are my Angel. I know you’ll be waiting in the hall for me to fall asleep. I know you’ll sneak back into my room then. And I know you’ll curl up in the chair in the corner and read a book while you wait for me to come back to you.

  I wish I was yours to love, because you are the beautiful, romantic, caring, attentive man in the novels. I wish I was someone who could love like that. I hope you find that kind of ‘novel-love’ with Kayla, I truly do.

  CHAPTER 33

  When I wake up, it’s dark. Looking at my clock, I see its 10:16pm. Wow. I’ve been asleep for a few hours. Sadly, I feel like I want to sleep for a few more.

  Where’s Mack? I know he’s here. He would never leave me alone on a bad day. He rarely leaves me alone on good days. Maybe he’s getting something to eat. I hope he is.

  I’ve lectured him about eating before. He is too thin. He makes enough money now, through my Estate to eat out 5 times a day if he wanted to. I made sure of it. But I haven’t seen Mack gain any weight. Maybe he is just one of those lucky people who eat all the time but never
gain any weight. I hate those people.

  Mack promised me after he became my personal physician that I was allowed to boss him around. I loved that conversation. He looked at me like I was crazy, which I guess I was at the time, but regardless, he agreed. I loved pointing out to him that as his Employer I could tell him to ‘Fuck off’ as needed, and sadly he couldn’t do anything about it. Of course, Mack agreed, we both laughed, and I proceeded to tell him to fuck off the first chance I got.

  It’s a very strange thing to have an Estate. It was given to me by my grandfather, who crawled out of the woodwork when this all hit. My grandfather, whom I hadn’t seen or spoke to in over 15 years, since my grandmother’s death actually, came to see me.

  At the time, I was completely loopy. I was often incoherent, and often so emotional, I couldn’t breathe from one moment to the next. During that time, Mack continued to champion me, and intervene when necessary.

  Upon learning of what happened, my grandfather was apparently so appalled at my parents’ behavior that he flew to my side immediately. Apparently, my grandfather always knew my mother was warped (my word, not his), but he never thought for a moment that it extended to me, ‘their innocent daughter’, he said.

  He and Mack had a long talk, a huge fight, and finally, my grandfather took Mack and the hospital to court. I think he was trying to take me to some other hospital, but Mack fought him desperately to keep me where I was. I don’t know the exact details, but I vaguely remember a side court battle happening between the two of them, with Mack and the hospital winning, barely.

  Afterward, my grandfather, who I have seen twice since, and spoke to four times on the phone in the last three months, gave me my ‘Estate’. I guess, the Estate was going to my mother, but due to the circumstances, it was quickly, and legally changed so that the bulk of the money went to me. And strangely it’s mine now, as opposed to when my grandfather dies.