Babydoll

by Nikkole Pruett

  "You want me to complicate the shit out of everything?" I asked. "I mean I could go down and tell my dad right now. Tell him I'm seeing the one boy he asked me to stay away from. And I could call your sister and tell her I've been making out with her brother on the sly for a while now. And when she hates me I'll have two friends who think I'm an asshole. That'll be awesome."

  Blue eyes blazed fire at me.

  "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Anyone suggests that you do something hard and you flip the fuck out. You refuse to deal with real life. So yeah, Haley is right. Willfully naïve is spot on," he huffed at me.

  I was pissed. And hurt. And I was beginning to wonder if both of them thought the same thing that maybe there wasn’t a little bit of merit to it. I wiped away angry tears and crawled to the end of the bed. I snatched up my bag and started to rifle through it for my smoke case. I was so tired of everything hurting, I just wanted to relax a little.

  "And that’s going to help the situation," he said, sarcastically.

  Then it was my turn to huff as I threw it back down. I whipped around and leveled him with my anger. His tone pissed me off. I had had just about enough of everyone talking to me like I was a little kid.

  "So you want me to take responsibility for this?" I threw his words back with my own sarcastic gesture between us. "How about you take some responsibility? How about you take responsibility for whatever it is you’re into. Whatever it is that makes the cop downstairs want you out of the picture."

  "Bailey," he said, shaking his head.

  He didn’t like the turn the conversation had taken. He reached for me because that was easier than having the conversation. Instead of being honest we just avoided. He had called me naive, said that I hid from reality. But he always hid his transgressions behind kisses and touches. I shook my head and pulled out of his grasp.

  "Tell me," I said.

  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He dropped the hand that I wouldn't let touch me into his lap, dejectedly. I hated that look on his face. I hated fighting. But instead of dropping it and keeping up the avoiding, I just waited for him to talk.

  "Do you remember when Drew and I got into it at the beach because he was fucking with you?" he asked.

  I nodded. That wasn’t something I'd easily forget.

  "Well, there was this guy, Felix, there that night. He's in the business of providing substances to people. Problem with that is sometimes he fronts people the stuff and sometimes they don't come up with the money. He needed some help with that. So I started helping him out. And he cuts me a little bit of the profit," he explained this all without really looking at me.

  I knew what I wanted to believe. I wanted to pretend that he was just helping a friend get what was owed to him. It was ugly but I figured if a person couldn't pay for their drugs they shouldn't be doing them in the first place. But I also knew what the black and white was. There was a word for it when a person obtained money through force. That was extortion. I had never hated being a cop's kid more than I did at this moment.

  "Well," I began. I was desperate find a way to make it ok but he raised his hand before I could start to babble.

  "There's a little more," he said. His eyes touched mine and then they skated away again. I was scared that when he started to talk again it would put the nail in the coffin. He bulldozed on before I could stop him. "When I was in Texas these farm boys would fix up their rides and race out on back roads and shit. That was where I learned how to drive. You know how I drive."

  There was a ghost of a smirk there. Like the bad ass in him couldn't be completely suppressed.

  "So, one night were out getting some money and A.J. saw the way I drive. And he likes it. So he offers me another job. He wants me to do some driving," his smirk faded and he started playing with the lighter I kept on my bedside table, the one I told my dad was for lighting candles.

  "Driving?" I asked, when it seemed like he was considering not going on.

  "His cousin, Joey, he owns a salvage yard…."

  "Oh, fuck," I groaned, my heart was sinking.

  "Bailey-"

  "You? It's you? Lane, he's looking for you!" I hissed at him.

  "Not me, I just drive!" He returned, holding his hands up innocently.

  It was the worst possible thing he could have said. I knew it wasn’t salvageable. We couldn’t be saved.

  "Baby-doll, it's not that bad," he consoled.

  "You can’t say that. This is that bad. This is horrible," I was up and on my feet and pacing. “I can’t deal with this."

  Lane was the guy my dad had been looking for. How could I possible keep seeing him when I knew he was the criminal my father was trying to arrest?

  "You have to go," I said, softly.

  "Bailey," he was up off the bed then, reaching for me. I pulled away for the second time that night. "Baby-doll, don't. I can fix this."

  He as pleading and I knew I could have chosen to cuddle into his arms. I could have chosen to believe him when he said he would fix everything. But I knew better and according to two of the most important people in my life, it was time for me to stop being so naïve.

  "I need time. Just go," I told him. I couldn’t even look at him. And I couldn’t stop the tears that I thought I was all out of.

  He didn’t say another word. I didn't watch him leave because I knew I would change my mind. I knew he was gone when I heard the window close. It had been the worst day ever. I felt like I need to eat my feelings and there was a bag of Oreos I kept on top of the fridge in case of traumatic events. I crept down the stairs to grab my snack and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw my dad still at the kitchen table. I approached quietly when I realized he had nodded off over his work. He was asleep at the kitchen table with his head resting on pictures. Pictures of cars. Suddenly, I didn't want my treat anymore because I could barely swallow the lump in my throat.

  In my room, I headed to the window. When I touched the lock, my heart clenched. It tugged, it strained, it ached. Like a scene in a sappy movie, lamp light glinted off my charm bracelet. Late night, whispered conversations and giggles echoed in my ears. Sweet kisses and tender touches burned on my lips and skin.

  I realized Haley and Lane were right. I did want to be naïve. I wanted to pretend life was a story where everything would magically work out.

  I never pushed the lock closed.

  * * *

  Chapter 16

  * * *

  Summer had been in effect for two weeks but my skin was still pasty pale. It had been a month and a half since I made the boy that made my heart race climb out of my window but I could still see every detail of his face every time I closed my eyes. It killed me that I couldn't commit to keeping him out and lock my window but he could commit to staying away so easily. He had turned into a ghost while school was still in session. I was desperate to see blue-gray eyes over greasy lunch table snacks or a bad boy smirk in the hall way but no such luck. He avoided me like the plague. That should have been good. It should have helped me get over it; get him out of my system. But instead I was listless and love sick and so damn conflicted. I knew he was bad for me. He was a criminal. He helped me be the kind of person I didn’t want to be, breaking promises and lying. Despite what I knew, I still craved him like thirsty veins craved needles. It was pretty disgusting.

  And I was disgusting. My wallowing had manifested physically. Instead of finding Haley, working our shit our, and getting on with the business of summer sun I had barely left my room. Instead of e-mailing Lucy silly, sweet notes while she was away at camp, I was living in my pajamas and downloading every sad song I could find. I had only been leaving my room to eat and shower. My dad thought I had been on my period the whole time. He had started mentioning maybe going to the doctor. I was also pretty sure my cat was sick of looking at me because he had been hiding under the bed for two days.

  It was noon; golden sun was glimmering through the blinds and I buried my head under my pillow to blo
ck it out. I gave it the finger for good measure. I was nearly back asleep when my phone vibrated next to me.

  Roses are red, baggies are clear. i got some hydro with your name all over it, dear.

  The text read. For the first time in what felt like forever, I laughed. Janis was being silly. It made me love her. I texted her back and told her so.

  i love you too. come smoke trees and stare at pretty skater boys with me. She replied immediately. Clearly she wanted my company and that made me feel pretty good.

  I had smoked the last of my stash out sometime the previous week. I had considered trying to get my hands on a sack, but that had just felt like too much work. Then there was Jan with a perfectly timed offer. It was time to get up and out and maybe… just maybe… move the fuck on.

  B

  "So, this guy," my friend took in a deep hit and held it for a moment. When she spoke again white smoke floated over my head. We were lying with our heads side by side on her blanket beside the empty old Rec pool. Her mix of The Used and Taking Back Sunday was floating in the air, mixing with the clack and smack of the boys' wheels ramping up the sides of the pool. "He's been your undercover, down-low tryst because your friends and your pops would kill you for seeing him. But you can’t seem to kick him."

  I nodded and took the smoke when she passed it to me. When I first arrived, I had taken three hits off the blunt and Janis had asked me where I'd been. The whole story, with names and identifying information redacted, came pouring out. It had been cathartic. Luckily, I was too high to cry.

  "Girl, that that’s tough place to be," she sympathized. She didn’t tell me what to do. Jan never offered advice or instruction, she just listened. I loved that.

  "It is," I agreed.

  My friend didn’t reply and I floated away into the music and noise until I felt someone drop down next to me.

  "Hey girl, long time no see," Cody said, with an easy grin.

  Cody Lake had showed up just before the end of school. His dad did something for the Army so he had bounced around the US and half of Europe. He was worldly and interesting and brutally hot. Pretty much all the girls at school were pissed he had gotten there at the end of the year. Had I not been so messed up on my Lane bullshit I probably could have appreciated the way he made conversation in study hall those last couple of weeks. With my mind less cluttered, I found myself taking a second look at his pretty crystal blue eyes and dark blonde hair. The boy was really something to look at. I smiled back at him.

  "Had to work through some stuff," I told him, sitting up and criss-crossing my legs so we could talk face to face.

  "Glad to see stuff is all worked out," he said, reaching for the smoke from Janis.

  I nodded and took another hit when he passed it to me.

  "So, what you got going this summer?" he asked.

  I blew smoke out and pondered for a moment.

  "I have no idea," I said. I had only hit me when he asked that I didn't have a single plan. Instead of feeling lame over my lack of social calendar I just felt free. Free as a bird. And that thought made me giggle. And the giggles were contagious.

  B

  wear swimsuit. My brain wasn’t really processing Jan's text. All I could think was that the pool didn’t have any freaking water. I had been staring at that cracked blue cement for two days and I knew there was no way in hell they’d found a way to fill it. We had all commented about how awesome it would have been to have it full, but there was no way a bunch of kids could pull that off. Besides, it wasn’t like the boys really wanted to give up their skate space.

  WTF? I messaged my confusion to my friend.

  just trust me, was her reply.

  So I threw on my suit and some shorts and headed out the door. I leaned my cruiser by the fence when I got there and headed around to find out what was going on. I laughed out loud when I saw what my friend had up her sleeve. She had spread a slip and slide over the fluffy overgrown grass.

  "This is awesome," I said, walking over.

  She looked up from the edge she was smoothing out and grinned.

  "Cody is currently acquiring water to make this work," she told me.

  "Acquiring water?" I asked.

  "Well, that new subdivision they're building, the workers went on strike," she explained. I knew the subdivision she was talking about. "Cody rounded up about ten water hoses. He's going to link them together and run them all the way over here."

  I looked at her like she was crazy. I knew there was no way that shit was going to work. We we’re totally going to get busted.

  "Pretty sure someone is going to see that much hose and figure out something is up," I said, sitting down next to her. The idea made me a little panicky.

  "Girl, please," she said, rolling her eyes. "There's sewer access over at the site and one right over there." She jerked a thumb to the other side of the building.

  My eyes widen. There was no way she was serious, that was crazy talk.

  "You mean to tell me he's creeping around in the sewer just so we can hook up a slip and slide?" I asked.

  "I've never met a man with so much dedication to fucking off," she said, grinning.

  "Wow," I said.

  "Yep. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he just wants to see us in swimwear," she said, with a grin. "Garret is guiding him from topside. Which means he's walking up the street yelling into the sewer grates. And Dustin is with him. Filming the whole shit."

  I laughed. That was what summer was made for. Getting into shit.

  "I love everything about this," I said.

  Janis beamed.

  "I do love it when a plan comes together," she said, with a laugh.

  We smoked a little pinner and made crowns out of little white flowers while we waited on the boys to get back. When we heard the guy's voices and the sound of scraping metal and concrete we ran over to see what was going on. When we reached them the other two are hauling Cody out of the manhole. His Vans were caked with yuck and he had the end of the water hose in his hand. He was smiling, triumphantly.

  "I can't believe you did that," I told him, laughing.

  "I can't believe I didn't do it sooner," he replied. He handed the hose to Janis. "Hose me down, gorgeous."

  He tossed his muck streaked t-shirt off and my mouth went a little dry. He was beyond cut. He had abs that belonged in a fitness magazine. I gave Jan a look that said oh my God and she grinned at me.

  "This was such a good idea," she muttered.

  It was late afternoon by the time we tired of the slip and slide. The boys were back in the pool, turning their wheels and Jan and I were sitting on the side, legs dangling over. Garret called his hook up about a fresh sack and our loose plan was to hit the mall for a grub and a movie after the smoke arrived. Jan had a bad ass Blackberry so we were checking out the times.

  "Yo, Gar," called a male voice from the gate. The guy was vaguely familiar but the body behind him made my heart jump into my throat.

  Lane. I devoured every little detail with hungry eyes as the pair approached. Too long, shaggy hair was peeking out from under a black Hurley hat. He looked a little thin under his tight black t-shirt and his khaki cargos seem to be hanging from his hips. The only thing that looked right were his Chucks. They were pristine. He had never let me in on his secret to keeping the toes so bright white. His face looked a little gaunt and there are shadows beneath his eyes. He looked tired, but to me, he still looked so good.

  It clicked then that the other guy was A.J.. My stomach began to knot. I tried to look away before he saw me, but it was like he had a radar that locked on me. While his boy headed over to the guys Lane headed toward me.

  "Hey, Baby-doll," he said, with a soft smile.

  My perfect summer day fell into turmoil. Thoughts about moving on and carefree, crazy boys with bright blue eyes vanished. There was nothing but Lane’s smile and his nearness turning my brain back to static. My palms were moist and I was fidgeting with the threads on my cut-offs. I didn't know what to say…
what to do. There was no book on how to act around your not boyfriend that stayed away after you told him to even though you really didn't want him to.

  "Hey," I replied. My voice sounded too high and squeaky and silly in my ears.

  "Lucy said she hasn't heard from you," he said.

  I shrugged and chewed my bottom lip. He studied me for a moment and then pushed his hat back.

  "Can we talk?" he asked, nodding his head to the side, letting me know he'd like to talk alone.

  I gulped hard. I wanted to talk to him but only if he said what I wanted him to say. I wanted him to say that he missed me and he would fix everything and that everything would be ok. But I knew that was highly unlikely. But I knew I would drive myself crazy not knowing if I don't go. I nodded and he reached his hand to help me up. I still felt shock waves from his touch. It wasn’t even fair. As soon as I was on my feet, I pulled back in a hurry. He noticed, of course, and I heard him sigh. I followed him out to his car and stood in front of him as he sat on the hood of his car. We were both quiet for a moment and the silence was enormous.

  "She's worried about you," he said.

  I didn’t have to ask who. In the last couple of weeks of school Lucy must have asked what was wrong at least a hundred times. I wanted to spill everything but I was afraid she would be pissed and what I really needed was a shoulder to cry on. So, I tried to avoid her as much as I could without raising suspicion. It didn’t feel good but it was the only way I knew to deal.

  "I'll e-mail her tonight," I said, quietly.

  "I miss you," he said.

  I found myself thinking it was funny how you could want something so bad and play out all these scenes about how conversations would go in your head but when it happened, it just floored you. I felt like I could barely breathe around my heart in my throat. I wanted to hurl myself into his arms and tell him how horrible everything was without him around. I wanted to lock my arms around him and never let go.

  "I miss you too," I replied. I didn't look at him. I couldn't. I knew I would totally break down if I did. I cleared my throat and swallowed. I fidgeted some more until I felt like I could talk without my voice breaking. "You were like the invisible man at the end of the year."