Babydoll

by Nikkole Pruett

  My heart felt like it might burst and my eyes felt like they would flood. My face must had broadcast all the emotion because he gave me a kind of half smile.

  "Heavy shit, I know. But you need to know all that. Because you need to know there's nobody else. There won't ever be anybody else. No one else has ever looked at me like you do, Bailey. Like I'm something more than just a fuck up. Or some bad boy to spice up their rep. Or some other shit I'm not. But not you. So when you asked me if there was someone else it fucked me up. Like you thought I was some piece of shit that could be fucking around on you. But you’re right; it's not fair to not answer your question. And it's not fair to just assume you know what's in my head if I don't tell you," he said. He laid his head on my collarbone and sighed. He sounded tired.

  I hugged him tight and scratched my nails through his messy hair.

  "It's ok," I whispered. I didn’t speak loud because I was sure if I did I would lose the little control I had over the emotional overflow.

  I felt his smile against my skin.

  "You always make it alright," he whispered.

  * * *

  Chapter 18

  * * *

  Occasionally it occurred to me that I spent a huge amount of time staring into my closet wondering what to wear. Of course, that was pretty typical for someone my age but I didn't think trying to find the right outfit to wear to a back to school party thrown by the boy who might have been into you while you were hoping your secret boyfriend would show up was typical at all. That was actually the opposite of typical. I really wanted to be able to call up some help for advice but I knew Haley would just say show your tits and Lucy would ask if I knew what Cody's favorite color was. Which I didn't. But I did know Lane's was blue so I pulled out a navy blue v-neck long sleeve and my white skinnies. Then I rifled around and found my fold-over boots. The look said I was there to chill but also hey boy, don't you like these super tight jeans. At least that was what I hoped it said.

  Regardless of my outfit anxiety thinking about Lane made me smile. After I pulled my boots on I snatched up my phone and fired off a text.

  you still gonna come see me tonight?

  She had no idea, but Lucy had actually masterminded an entire night for Lane and me.

  "Hi best friend," she greeted me, with a grin, at a lunch on Monday.

  "Hi, best friend, who is obviously up to something," I replied, with a smile.

  "So, you know how Cody had to move his party to this weekend?" she asked.

  Cody's dad's training got moved so he had to shift shit around. He was super nervous people weren't going to get the word and would still show up like in Dazed and Confused.

  "I'm aware," I said, with a nod.

  "Weeeellll, it just so happens Gav's mom is going out of town with her new boyfriend," she said. "I was wondering if you would be inclined to pull some sitcom shenanigans with me."

  I laughed because I immediately knew what she was talking about. She would say she was at my place for the night and I would say I was at hers.

  "It'll give you the whole night with Cody," she sing-songed.

  I laughed again, but the thought was blossoming in my head. Not that I wanted to stay at Cody's for the night but there was a certain someone I wouldn't mind having a whole evening with. I was already in but I couldn't help but let my girl dangle just a little longer. I pretended to debate it just to watch her squirm.

  "I absolutely promise it'll work!" she assured.

  "What'll work?" piped in my favorite person as he pulled up a chair next to me.

  "We're just trying to finalize a plan for Friday night," Lucy told him.

  "What are you two up to?" he asked with playful suspicion.

  "Who me?" my bestie asked, feigning innocence.

  After Lane and I had our horrible blowup he had a heart to heart with his sister. He didn't really tell me the details but only that things were a lot better between the two of them. In fact things were the best I ever witnessed between them. They were almost friends.

  "Let me guess, you’re trying to rope this one," he said, nodding toward me. "Into helping you skip off with your boytoy for the night."

  "I object to being reduced to a toy," Gavin said dryly, sliding into his seat next to his girl.

  "Don't listen to my brother, he's just jealous," Lucy assured him, with a peck on the cheek. She smiled at her brother. "You may be on to something dear brother. But if you tell, I'll tell mom what really happened to her Strawberry lotion."

  "Damn it, Lucy," Lane muttered, a light blush spreading across his cheeks.

  I couldn't help myself.

  "Strawberry lotion?" I prodded, with a teasing grin.

  "Shut it, Baby-doll," he said shaking his head. "Lucy is just being an asshole. But you don’t need to threaten me anyway, little sister. Your secret is safe. Besides, Mom and Dad are going to be out of town this weekend too. Dad's got that retreat thing."

  "Oh, right…" Lucy said with a smile, then she turned to me. "That makes things less complicated. But you can still tell your dad you’re coming to my house. You can party it up with Cody… stay the night."

  "Lucy," I said in a warning tone, shaking my head. Under the table I could feel Lane's leg next to mine, bouncing, showing the agitation he couldn't show on his face.

  "Just trying to help," she replied, all smiles and batting eyes.

  "I'm perfectly capable of getting a date on my own, thanks," I told her, with a chiding look. "But I do want to go hang out so I'll take you up on your offer."

  "Yay," Lucy squealed, clearly ignoring my lack of enthusiasm about Cody.

  Though out the week we had finalized our plans. By the time I was texting Lane that Saturday, we were sure our scheme was foolproof. My phone signaled a text before I even get it laid back down.

  no where I'd rather be :-)

  The sweet smiley made me grin.

  B

  With my dad absorbed in Sports Center it was easy to escape for the night. No probing into my alibi, no second guessing. Just a kiss on the cheek and be good and have fun. But I was still kind of nervous knocking on Cody's door. I chalked it up to being a cop’s kid. I was always overly aware of the consequences of getting busted.

  "Hello, Beautiful," Cody said, throwing the door open. I noticed two things right away; his smile was crazy. Crazy, big and almost manic looking. And it was dark in his house. The sun was just setting but inside his place was moonless, midnight black. There was, however, black light.

  "Hey," I said, feeling my face squish up in curiosity. "What's going on?"

  He laughed as he pulled me in and to his side. He guided me into the front room with his arm around my shoulders.

  "Jan didn't tell you what kind of party this is did she?" As we walked his hand rubbed up and down on my shoulder. In the kinda darkness kids were loosely grouped. There was a lot of rubbing and talking and then it hit me.

  "Are you guys rolling?" I asked, quietly.

  He grinned again.

  "So hard," he told me, with a laugh. He escorted me to the kitchen, leaned against the counter and cracked open a bottle of water.

  "Oh… wow…," I said. I didn't really know what to say. I had never been to that kind of party.

  "You ok?" he asked. He looked super concerned.

  I laughed remembering that ecstasy was supposed to make you feel everything extra intensely.

  "I'm cool," I assured him. "I've just never been to one of these."

  "First time for everything," he replied. Then he dug in his pocket. Out came a plastic baggie with a hand full of pills. He looked at me questioningly.

  I felt my heart start to speed up as I looked at the little bag in the low light. I could make out little symbols stamped on them. Even though I was nervous, I was more curious.

  "Are those dolphins?" I asked.

  "Triple stack Blue Dolphins," Cody said, and by the tone in his voice I could tell that meant something.

  "What's it like?" I ask.


  Even though the whole scene looked kind of crazy to me, everyone seemed to be having a great time. Actually, everyone looked insanely happy. But it was hard to kick the fear of drugs that had been ingrained in me from my Dad and school anti-drug programs. I didn't want to be some strung out crack head and I didn't want my heart to explode or be the victim of some OD tragedy.

  "It's fucking amazing," my friend told me. He took a deep breath and even the act of breathing sounded like it felt awesome. "It's like every single bad thing just goes away and I'm happy and I feel so fucking good."

  I began to think maybe I would take one of the pills Cody was offering. Maybe I would do some crazy and daring shit. It seemed like my friends were always doing crazy shit, taking chances. Maybe it was time I did some shit. Then my phone vibrated from my pocket. I tugged it out and the text made me change my mind.

  I've been missing you all day.

  I tapped out a reply that I miss him too.

  "Maybe next time," I told Cody. I had more important plans than getting all fucked up and crazy that night.

  "Ok, but if you change your mind I'll have one for you," he assured me, tucking the baggy back into his pocket. "I'm gonna go check on my boy but it a little bit I want you to come up to my room and talk to me. I really need to talk to you."

  In a fluid motion he leaned forward and gave me a big hug and kiss on the forehead, then he headed off. His touchy-feely outpour made my head spin. Everyone was always saying how Cody and I would make a great couple and how he was totally in to me. I was really hoping that wasn’t what he had on his mind because I don't know how I was going to say no… what excuse I was going to use if he asked me. On paper, we were perfect for each other. But in real life I was wrapped up in a crazy relationship that I couldn’t explain. Before I could get too antsy my favorite scene queen bounced up.

  "I thought I saw you come in," she said, snatching me into another hug. It occurred to me the nick-name “the hug drug” was pretty accurate. "You rolling?"

  "Nah, I've got something going on later and I don't want to be all fucked up," I explained.

  "Awe," she pouted. "You’re gonna leave us?"

  I chuckled.

  "Not for a while," I assured her.

  "Ok," she said, instantly happy again. She grabbed my hands and threaded her fingers though mine. "Let's go smoke."

  "You can do both?" I asked.

  "Yep, in fact the smoke gets the blood flowing. Hits you harder…faster…better!" she jabbered excitedly.

  "This is crazy," I said, shaking my head as I walked up the stairs with my friend.

  "Life is crazy, girl," she said with a smile.

  B

  It was after midnight and I was mellow, flying high, grooving on techno bass beats floating up the stairs. I had been kicked back, chilling in Cody's bean bag chair most of the night. It was the most comfortable bean bag on the face of the earth. I was also thinking Cody’s party was the most epic party I had ever been to. No fighting, no drama. Lots of hugging and shoulder rubs. Lots of dancing.

  The downstairs was still all black light and crazy but upstairs it was warm lamp light and conversation. Everybody was just running around, spilling their guts to everybody else. Janis told me about her first time in the woods in a tree and Garret told me about how he was still a virgin because he was in love with this girl he went to summer camp with but she lived too far away for them to date. The only person I hadn't had an in depth conversation with was Cody. But he had been too busy herding people all over and making sure everyone was drinking enough water. That actually made me feel just a little relieved, I was still worried about what he might have to tell me.

  Even though I wasn’t on the same kind of high as my friends I felt just as connected and happy. The only bad part was that all my friends weren’t there. I wished Lucy and Haley were with me to feel that kind of awesomeness. And, of course, I wished Lane was with me snuggled up in the squishy chair. Thinking about him reminded me to check my phone again. 12:11. No word. I wondered if he was downstairs. I wiggled out of my nest on legs that felt like lead. Just as I headed for the door, Cody appeared.

  His dark blonde was completely disheveled because he had been running his hands through it all night. He had stripped down to a wife beater and basketball shorts because the X had him way too warm. He was so damn easy on the eyes, my mind slip-slid down a crazy path that pictured a world where I would be kissing Cody. A boy who was so accessible. It would have been guilt free and easy. But the thought was only there and gone, gliding through in a weed twisted haze. Bright blue eyes could never make me feel the way stormy blue gray ones could.

  "There's my girl," Cody said, with a big smile. "I've been trying to get to you all night."

  "I was just about the head down stairs," I told him. I knew the possibility of my guy being down there looking for me would drive me crazy if I didn't go check. Weed paranoia did that to me.

  "Nooooooo," he said, taking my hands and pulling me back around into the room. He gave me big round eyes, like a little kid. It would been absolutely adorable if it hadn’t been for the fact that his eyes were pretty much all black pupil and he looked so fucked up. But I laughed anyway and let him pull me back into his room.

  He dropped down on his bean bag and pulled me down next to him. He put his arm around me and cuddled me close to his side.

  "I have to tell you a secret," he said. I cut my eyes over to him and his head was rocked back on his shoulders, and his eyes were closed.

  "Are you still on from when I got here?" I interrupted. It had been hours. Even the best shit I had smoked never kept me loaded for that long unless I went back for round two.

  "Nah, I ate another," he said. "I'm so fucked up, girly."

  "Wow," I muttered.

  "Yeah," he agreed. "Do you want to know my secret, Bailey?"

  I was stoned and I should have been mellow. No anxiety, no sweaty palms. But his question made my throat tighten up. It made me think about all the hard decisions I had to make and the lies I told. It made life rush at me in one overwhelming tidal wave. My words got stuck in my mouth but it didn't matter because he didn't give me time to answer. He dropped his forehead forward on my shoulder and his voice was soft and so damn vulnerable when he spoke.

  "I'm gay," he said.

  I jerked away and turned to face him so quick I nearly toppled backward off the seat.

  "Huh?" I gasped.

  He looked like he was about to cry.

  "I'm gay, Bailey," he repeated.

  And then I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I felt so damn stupid. But I got it under control when I saw the panic on my friend’s face.

  "Oh my God, I thought you were into me," I told him. "I was freaking the fuck out."

  It was his turn to look at me like I was crazy.

  "What? Girl, no. I mean I love you to death and all but that doesn't really do it for me," he said, gesturing to my body.

  I couldn’t help but laugh again.

  "What's with the big secret?" I asked, settling back in next to him. As soon as I found out my worry was for naught, I had a lot of questions about the actual situation.

  "It's my dad. He's all Army guy, hooah, big strong man. I'm pretty sure he'll disown me. Or shoot me," my friend sighed. When I looked at him there were tears in the corner of his eyes. I wiggled around and gave him a big hug.

  "I'm sorry," I told him. I don't really know what else to say. I knew what it was like to live in fear of disappointing a parent. "I think you’re awesome."

  "It just sits on my chest like this huge weight all the time," he said. "Keeping who I am a secret. It's exhausting. I hate it. I'm so worried that everyone I love will hate me because of something I can't change. Because of who I am."

  "I don't hate you," I told him. "I don't care if you like boys or girls or goats. Although the goat thing would be a little weird."

  "That is why I told you," he said, with a laugh. "Besides…you know all about secrets, huh?"
>
  "What?" I asked, my eyes going wide.

  He gave me a look that told me I was busted.

  "You’re absolutely transparent with your secret boyfriend," he said with a laugh. But then concern clouded his features. "But that shit worries me. I just don't know about that guy. And it's not just the whole male-whore thing. He's dangerous. He's into some shit that isn't ok at all."

  I sighed.

  "I know," I said. "But that shit isn't who he is."

  "Seems like nobody in this fucking town is being who they really are," he said.

  Cody was right. There was something about small town life that fostered cover ups. It seemed like most everyone I knew was harboring some sort of double life or broken dream or guilty secret. The melancholy of the thought weighed on me.

  "You know what, fuck it," Cody said, shaking his shoulders as if to shake off our heavy conversation. "I like boys and you like the wrong boy. Who fucking cares? It's our fucking life!"

  "Yeah," I agreed, with a laugh at my friend's overuse of vulgarity.

  "No," he said, with a grin. "Fuck yeah!"

  "Fuck, yeah," I agreed, grinning back.

  "Know what I wanna do?" He asked, scrambling to his feet.

  "What?" I asked. I knew his emotional about face had more to do with the drugs that any real closure. I didn’t care.

  "I wanna dance. Let's go dance!"

  Our dirty laundry was flapping in the wind and neither of us cared because we both had some on the line. It felt so good to know that even though our lives were so different, we were the same. It was the feeling of real friendship. I followed my friend out of his room, laughing.

  "Shit, I wanted to grab a shirt," he said, stopping just outside the doorway. "You go down and grab us waters. Oh, and thank you."

  He gave me a big hug and a loud smacking kiss that left me giggling. At least, until I saw the angry boy at the foot of the stairs with the bruised face and clenched fists.