Babydoll

by Nikkole Pruett

  "Shit, I've got to find you a binky so you don't chip your teeth," he said, jumping up from the floor. He quickly rifled through his desk and found what he was looking for. A pacifier. He tossed it to me.

  "What do I do with it?" I asked. Normally, I'd feel so stupid asking question like that. But now, now I was just a little kid just wondering and curious. No embarrassment, no shame.

  "You’re a chewer," he explained. "It's cool. Some people do it. You just don't want to chew too much and fuck your teeth up."

  So I popped the electric blue soft plastic in my mouth. I never noticed how rhythmic chewing was. It felt like forever I sat, just concentrating on the tiny little squeak the binky made against my teeth and how the ribbed sleeve of my hoodie felt under my fingertips. Then I had to move.

  "I wanna dance!" I declared, snapping out of my zone and finding Cody. He was lying on his back twirling a glow stick in the air.

  He grinned and hopped up. He grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

  "Well, let's go dance," He said.

  Just as quick as the other feelings, I was hit with the most intense wave of emotion. I pulled our entwined hands to my chest and hugged them tight.

  "Thank you for this Cody, I love you so much," I told him.

  He pulled me in tight for a hug.

  "I love you too, Bailey," he said planting a kiss on the top of my head. "You’re my most special secret keeper."

  B

  Falling into bass beats, waving arms, and wiggling hips was exactly as perfect as I wanted it to be. When I felt girly hands slide around my stomach and hold me tight I whipped around to find my most favorite blonde.

  "Haley!" I yelled, excitedly.

  I didn't wonder about how and why, I was just stoked to see my best girl.

  "You’re like me," she replied, with equal enthusiasm looking at my eyes.

  I giggled.

  "I guess so," I agreed.

  After that it would have taken a chainsaw to get Haley and I apart. It was like the rifts of growing up had caused magically closed. We danced and giggled. We hid away in Cody's room and talked for forever. We told secrets. Hers were about scary drug binges and filthy situations. She told me that she stuck a needle in her veins and she felt like she died and came back to life and she never wanted to be that scared ever again. I cried and promised her to always, always be there. She cried and promised she would get better. I told her about Lane slipping into my room and my first time. That turned our tears back into giggles.

  Dawn slipping in through the windows found the house mostly empty. Jan, Haley, Cody, and I were the last ones standing. We piled into the Jacuzzi tub in Cody's dad's bathroom in our underwear and drank orange juice from champagne glasses. Jan took pictures with the ancient Polaroid camera she got from her mom and Haley said how people would think Cody was the luckiest guy in the world. We laughed and laughed.

  Sleep was hard to come by. Next to Haley on Cody's floor, using the beanbag as a pillow, I slipped in and out of consciousness. The sleep I did get was shaky and not restful at all. My body didn't get the message that it was time to stop having fun and rest. It was nearly two in the afternoon when Jan woke me up with a cup of coffee. Haley had left sometime while I slept. Jan and I helped Cody clean up and then we donned big sunglasses to hide from the sun as she drove me home. My dad studied my tired face as he got ready for work.

  "What did you girls get into last night?" he asked, suspiciously.

  I rolled my eyes.

  "Nothing, dad. We just stayed up watching movies. I ate too much cookie dough. I don't feel great," I told him, hoping my excuse would explain away whatever he was seeing.

  He nodded, but the suspicion was still here.

  "Well, take care of yourself and eat something good tonight," he advised, giving me a rough hug and kiss on the temple.

  I nodded. Exhaustion finally kicked in not long after he left. After a grilled cheese with tomato soup and hot shower I climbed into my bed.

  B

  The following day I was still paying for my excesses. I didn't know if I was supposed to feel that bad so I huddled under my blankets and called Cody even though it was only nine in the morning.

  "Suicide Tuesday," he explained. "All the feel good chemicals are leaving your brain and your body so you feel pretty shitty."

  My bad feelings being a normal thing made me feel better. The name for it does not.

  "Suicide Tuesday?" I asked, for clarification.

  "Yeah, apparently some people get so far down afterward they end up offing themselves," he said.

  I make a noise because what the hell?

  "And you didn't tell me this before?" I demanded.

  "Sweetheart, if you think for one second I would let you do something to hurt yourself you’re dumbass. Did you forget? I love you, girl," he replied.

  Flashes of conversations and hugs came back to me.

  "No," I told him. "Ok, but how do I feel better?"

  I could practically hear his shrug.

  "Just take care of you. Eat good stuff and take a long bath. Plenty of water and juice. Get your body back where it should be and your mind will follow," he told me.

  As good as that sounded that wasn’t really in the cards for me. There were no less than ten text messages and three voicemails from one boy on my phone that I had been ignoring. I scan through the texts and they ranged from apologies to freaking out about my silence. When I called he answered on the first ring. I didn't know what to say.

  "Hey," I finally settle on.

  "I need to see you," Lane said, immediately.

  "Well, my dad is working so maybe later tonight –"

  "No, now. Can we meet? At the rec center?" his urgency made me feel even more off than I already felt.

  The idea of seeing Lane just seemed draining. It was hard enough dealing with all of his baggage normally but at that moment I just don't know if I could at all.

  "I don't-" I began and he cut me off again.

  "I need to see you, Baby-doll," he said.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed them hard.

  "Ok, I'll be there," I sighed.

  It only took me a few minutes to throw on some clothes. I didn't bother with hair or make up. I just threw my hoodie on and pulled up the hood. I felt like I needed some place warm to hide. I told my dad I was running to the store and rushed out before he had a chance to stop me. Lane was waiting, sitting on the edge of the pool when I get there. When he noticed me he kind of rushed me. I had been expecting him to read me the riot act but instead he wrapped his arms around me and crushed me to him.

  "I'm sorry," I heard him say into my hair.

  "Wait, what?" I asked, pulling away enough to look at him.

  "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucked up your Valentine's," he said.

  I knew its hella inappropriate but I chuckled. After the crazy ass night I had I couldn't be mad.

  "Wait… you’re not mad?" he asked, looking confused.

  "Well… no," I said, with a shrug. "I was at first but then Cody had this get together. And I actually had a freaking awesome time. So it's kind of ok that you bailed."

  He took a closer look at my face and I could see the gears in his head turning.

  "Did you get fucked up with them?" he asked.

  I shrugged. It was weird that I didn't have a problem lying to my dad about this but I felt like I should be honest with Lane. I nodded.

  "What the fuck, Bailey?" he demanded.

  "What the fuck, Lane?" I threw back. "Who are you to judge?"

  "I'm not putting chemical shit in my body. After watching Haley you really want to get twisted up in all that?" he asked.

  "I can’t believe you’re judging me right now. You risk going to jail. You risk your life all the freaking time but I pop one little pill. Had one crazy, fun night when you ditch me and you get all holier than thou?" I asked, pulling away from him completely.

  "But that’s the thing… that’s what I wanted to te
ll you, I've got what I need. I've got the fucking pictures and videos my lawyer needs to try to get me a deal. He's going to get me out of this," he said.

  "Wait, what?" I could barely believe what I was hearing.

  "I did it, Baby-doll. I told you I would. I got everything he wanted me to get. Now he's just got to bring the information to his boss….and whoever else…and they do whatever it is lawyers do. Then we can get the fuck out of here. Whatever school you want. Where ever you want to go," he said.

  I flung myself back into his arms. That was the best news I could imagine getting. Ever. I covered his face in kisses but then he held me back.

  "But now you want to fuck it all up?" he asked.

  I shook my head. It was an amazing time. But he was what I really wanted. I had no intention of jeopardizing that.

  "I'm not," I assured him. "It was just a one-time thing. I just wanted… I wanted to not be me for a little while."

  He shook his head.

  "Don't do that," he told me. "Don't not be you. You are everything I want."

  I nodded my head. Because I could do that. I could keep being me for him.

  * * *

  Chapter 25

  * * *

  I twirled a rubber band around my finger and wondered if I could hit Chad with it. I thought better of it since he was in a pissy mood and as boring as it was I needed the job. The job was all a part of our plan. Lane and Bailey's freedom ride. Six states. All the way down south to Texas to see some of Lane's old friends and back up through Colorado to Mile High Music Festival. I was beyond stoked to see Tool and The Black Keys. I was convinced that hearing Keenan live would kill me. I would die of absolute happiness. Lane said that if I was going to die from happiness I would have bit it a thousand orgasms ago. But freedom rides and good tunes had a cost so I had been slaving away at Collins's Sporting Good.

  Really it wasn’t so bad. Five to ten every night for a little over minimum wage. I ran the register and helped Chad stock. I thought working with Chad would be a little weird considering our history, but Lane dropped by a couple of times to say hello and Chad kept a careful distance. Plus the job kept me out of the house.

  My house had become my least favorite place to be. Things should have be light and happy since my acceptance and full federal funding came to Kansas State (where happily, one Lane Campbell will be matriculating as well). No such luck. I thought that Lane coming clean and working with the police might soften the heart of one officer Sweeten but I thought wrong.

  "So, Lucy told me her brother is some kind of secret agent now," I said, casually, to my dad one night at dinner, not long after Lane aligned himself with the forces of good. It was another lie that fell effortlessly off my tongue. I should have felt guilty but I didn't.

  "I haven’t seen Lucy around here lately," he avoided my non question.

  "We've both been busy with end of school coming up and everything," I replied. I was beginning to wonder when my pants would catch on fire. I also wondered for just a second when I had gotten so good at lying. It wasn't exactly a talent I had hoped to develop. "Is Lane playing for the good guys now?"

  He didn't give me a straight answer, he just put another bite in his mouth. I waited quietly for a minute making sure that my face was the picture of patience.

  "You know I can’t tell you what's going on in my current cases, Bailey," he said, with a shake of his head.

  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, so I decided to push a little.

  "Well, it would be nice to know if I could be friends with him before we graduate or if I have to keep ducking and dodging him until we go to college," I said, shrugging nonchalantly.

  He dropped his for his fork to his plate and narrowed his eyes.

  "Whether Lane Campbell is working with the police or not means nothing. You got no business with that kid," he said, sternly.

  With all of the dips and twists in my life at that point I should have been used to my heart plunging into the pit of my stomach. No such luck. I struggled to keep calm.

  "Of course it does," I countered. "If he's working with you he's a good guy now."

  "What is going on between you and that boy, Bailey? I want the truth." Dad declared.

  I gritted my teeth.

  "Nothing is going on between me and that boy," I said, picking up my plate. My appetite was long gone. I dumped it in the sink with a clatter. "How would something ever be going on when the officer Sweeten puts his foot down?"

  "You'll watch your mouth or you'll be grounded until you graduate," he snapped. "What is going on between you and Lane Campbell? Do I need to haul his ass in and ask him?"

  Despite myself, I gave him just the reaction he wanted when I whipped around the hysteria was creeping into my voice.

  "Leave him alone. There's nothing going on. You said to leave him alone and I did," I fumed. "But you don't get to tell me who I can talk to forever."

  "Don't be so sure about what I can and can’t do, little girl. And you’re lying. Are you involved with that boy?" He rose to his feet so quickly the chair fell over behind him.

  As I blinked away angry tears, I glanced at his half eaten dinner. It had been a nice, quiet meal until I went and ruined it. Way to go Bailey.

  "We're not involved," I protested. And it probably should have ended there. But his disbelief was so evident on his face that I couldn't reign my mouth in. "But what could you do if we were? The age of consent is sixteen! You taught me the law, remember?"

  "I swear to God if I find out he laid one hand on you I'll throw his ass in jail so quick- " he yelled.

  "For what?" I yelled back. "Nothing happened!"

  "You have no idea who this little prick is, Bailey. No damn clue!" he stalked over to the counter and snatched up his police bag. I always thought it would be nice to get him a briefcase but doubted he would retire his beat up bag. I watched as he yanked the zipper down and rifled out a file. Back at the table he threw pictures on the table.

  I didn't want to look but I did anyway. The pictures were of a guy in a hospital bed. Stark from fluorescent lighting and hard to take due to the battered face and tubes running everywhere. I barely noticed the gasp I let out.

  "That’s who Lane Campbell is," my dad declared, gesturing at the pictures.

  "Who is that?" I asked. I wanted to recoil from the picture in horror. It was freaking terrifying.

  "What does it matter who it is?" Dad replied. "That boy did that. He beat that man nearly to death. Lane Campbell did that."

  "If he did that, then why isn't he in jail?" I asked.

  "Because he cut a deal. Because his family has money. Because even though he's a just as bad as the pricks the he works for he's not who the DA wants," he ranted. He crossed the kitchen and took both of my arms in his hands. His grip was only strong enough for me to recognize his seriousness. "Now, for the last damn time, Bailey, stay away from Lane Campbell.

  I waited until I could hear my Dad's snore up the hall before I called Lane that night.

  "You put a man in the hospital," I said in lieu of a hello when he answered the phone.

  He was silent for just a second.

  "I did," he replied.

  "Jesus Christ, Lane are you some psycho?" I cried, as loudly as I dared.

  "Is that what you think?" he was doing that thing where he acted completely un-phased. I hated that thing. I wanted some kind of reaction. I wanted him to feel as much as I did.

  "I don't know what to think. The pictures… they're fucking horrible," I groaned.

  "Your dad showed you those?" he asked.

  "Uh-huh."

  "Why am I not surprised?" he asked, with a sigh. I could picture his annoyed head shake.

  "He's just trying to watch out for me," suddenly, I felt kind of defensive of my dad. My dad wasn't the one out there putting people in the hospital.

  "It's not like I'd ever hurt you. That guy was a fucking crackhead who was ripping T off for like a year," he said.

  "Well, that make
s it all better," I bit out sarcastically. I was running my mouth without really thinking again. It was like my brain was set to sabotage.

  "Damn it, Bailey, I've confessed a fucking million times. I'm trying everything I could to make all this shit right. If that’s not enough maybe you should just go back to being Daddy's perfect little Baby-doll and leave me alone. How many times do you have to be told?" He growled.

  At least now there was an edge of anger in his voice. As much as I hated his anger, I was glad to have some kind of reaction from him.

  "You know I don't care what anyone said about you," I said, quietly.

  "Then why do this? Why let what your dad says get under your skin?" he demanded.

  "Because, this is serious shit. And he's my dad. This is just a lot to deal with," I could hear the whine creeping into my voice and I hated it. I was exhausting myself.

  He was quiet for a minute. When he spoke again his voice was soothing.

  "I know. It's a lot, I'm a lot. But it's almost over. We've just got to make it until school starts in the fall," he said. Then the most awesome plan ever came tumbling out of his mouth. "Or if you think you’re ready we could cut out early."

  "What do you mean?" I asked, instantly interested.

  "What about a road trip?" He asked.

  I could hear his grin. I started to grin too.

  B

  It was exactly one week before graduation. I couldn’t seem to muster the excitement I should have been feeling. But it was also one week and one day before Lane and I were going to make our great escape. That I was excited about beyond measure. It was all I thought about. I kept finding myself getting lost, daydreaming about how awesome the summer was going to be. That was why I had sat in study hall ten extra minutes and found myself running late to work. I was trying to haul my ass but my bladder told me I needed to haul it to the ladies room first.

  I heard the sound of someone unsuccessfully trying to stop crying as soon as I walked in. The crying didn’t go away as I relived myself and worse, the voice sounded really familiar. Like I knew that teary, hiccupping voice. I knew I really should have just minded my own damn business but after I rinsed my hands I tapped on the door of the crier's stall.