Babydoll

by Nikkole Pruett

  For the time being I focused on the problem sitting in front of me. I shrugged.

  "We're just friends, Dad," I told him.

  "Just friends is too much, Bailey," he replied, with his most serious, stern face.

  I sighed and rolled my eyes.

  "Fine, what do you want from me?" I asked.

  "Stay away from him. That means no hanging out with Lucy at her house. If you want to spend time with your friend you can do that here," He said.

  I shrugged again.

  "Not going to be a problem," I said.

  He looked curious for a moment but he let it go. Only because he had more law to lay down.

  "And things are going to tighten up around here. I'm going to get in the habit of checking up on you. Not just phone calls. Expect to see a lot more of my face," he said.

  "You know I'm not the criminal here, right?" I asked. I wasn’t. Not really.

  "I know that but you are the one who wasn't where she was supposed to be today. And you are the one who decided to be friendly with the boy I specifically asked you to stay away from. And I'm the parent. Until you’re eighteen and no longer under my roof I say what goes," he said emphasizing his point with a flat handed smack to the table.

  "Yes sir, officer Sweeten," the sarcasm was out of my mouth before I could reel it back in.

  "Or we could just go with the standard grounding," he said.

  "I haven’t even done anything!" I cried. That was technically true. I believed if he didn’t actually know about my transgressions they shouldn't count.

  "Don't you understand I'm trying to protect you?" he demanded. "There are bad people out there, Bailey."

  I didn't say a word. I didn't trust myself. I felt like anything I said was just going to get me in more trouble. I didn't even look at him. I just stared at the table and chewed on my bottom lip.

  "Bailey, I love you and I want you safe," he told me.

  His voice was soft when he said that. It made me look. His eyes were a little glassy like he was trying not to cry. Guilt sank in so fast my stomach churned. For just a moment I wanted to tell him about everything. I wanted my daddy to hug me and make everything ok. I wanted him to set the guy I loved on the straight and narrow. I wanted him to make Lucy my friend again. I wanted him to make Haley stop doing drugs that made her sniff all the time. I just wanted my daddy. But I knew he couldn't do any of those things. I wasn’t a kid anymore and I had to handle my own problems. So I just asked how long I was grounded for. With no attitude at all.

  Then it was him sighing.

  "You’re not grounded. But the new plan goes into effect immediately," he said, rubbing a hand over his face.

  So I got up and I gave my Dad a hug. Then I went to my room because I really wanted to cry.

  B

  I avoided Lane at school and when he blew up my phone so many times it was unavoidable, I told him to come over after my dad went back to work on Friday. Much to my dismay he told me he wouldn’t be able to make it on Friday because he had stuff to take care of.

  I knew that, technically, I could go hang out with Jan or Haley since I wasn’t grounded but since our conversation it seemed there was a police presence everywhere I went. Dad hadn’t been kidding about lockdown and I didn’t want to drag anyone else into my mess. So I spent the first half of my weekend catching up on DVR'ed episodes of One Tree Hill. I poured myself into cleaning my room to try and keep my anxious mind occupied but sorting clothes and vacuuming did nothing to calm my nerves. I tried to write and get it all out but that didn't really help either. The words didn’t flow the way they always had. As a last ditch effort I turned to the two things that had never let me down. Music and weed. Between The Doors and just a little smoke I started to feel better. In fact, I felt so good I began to think that maybe I’d see my guy soon and we would sort things out. That maybe everything would be ok. But I wasn’t surprised when my text alert went off a little after one in the morning and my head went to static.

  Let me in the back? He asked.

  He didn’t want to use my window like he normally did because there had been a patrol car circling the block half the night. I was assuming my dad felt that the randomly timed hellos throughout the day just weren't enough. I didn't turn on a single light as I headed down and opened up the back door for him. I didn't want anyone calling to tell the chief that someone was wide-awake at his house. Lane didn't say a word as he followed closely behind me up the stairs in the dark. In my room, my computer was on and the monitor provided all the light we needed to see each other. I made sure to sit in my chair instead of on the bed.

  "So," he said, with a kinda smile, "Awful lot of law-enforcement presence tonight. That have anything to do with why you've been avoiding me like the plague?"

  I think about earlier when I was thinking that everything could be ok. I had been thinking Lane and I could work this out rationally and calmly.

  "You should have told me," I hissed. It definitely didn’t come out the way I planned.

  His smile disappeared and he regarded me carefully before he pulled his hoodie up and over his head. Even with the commotion brewing in my head I didn't miss the strip of skin that showed when his shirt pulled up. And I still wanted to touch it. I hated my stupid hormones. I tucked my hands under my thighs to punish them. He sat on the end of the bed and leaned forward, elbows on knees.

  "What haven't I told you?" he asked.

  "You were almost arrested. You were like one step away from jail," I replied. My voice only shook a little so I thought I was doing pretty good.

  He breathed deep.

  "I didn't think you'd want to hear all that," he said.

  I was pretty sure the look on my face was absolutely dumbfounded. How could he even say that? Seriously?

  "Didn't want to hear it? You've got me riding around in stolen cars and you didn't think I'd want to know the cops are about to haul you in?" I asked, in disbelief.

  He shook his head.

  "They don't want me. They want the guy I work for," he said.

  "So that makes it ok?" I demand. "My dad has me on lock down because Wilkerson, the glorified crossing guard, saw us walking around together at school. If he knew you were here now you'd be in jail and I'd probably be shipped off to boot camp."

  He had the nerve to chuckle.

  "So it's all on me?" he asked. The sparkle in his eye was just a little dark for my liking.

  "What do you mean?" I asked, cautiously.

  "It's all on me right? You've had no say in any of this?" he asked, gesturing between the two of us.

  "I still don’t get what you’re trying to say." I said, but my tone sounded a little sullen because I did have an idea where he was going with his questions.

  "You've had choices all along, Baby-doll. I didn't force you to get in the car," he told me. "And you let me in the door."

  "Because I love you, Lane. I do that shit because I love you," I could feel the metallic taste in my mouth that let me know tears were coming soon. "And you keep telling me it'll stop, that you were going to get your shit together for me. And you never told me how bad it is."

  "Would it have changed anything? If I would had told you that your dad is fucking dying to lock me up would you leave me alone? Because you didn't leave me alone when he told you to before. And you didn't leave me alone when my sister asked you to. Guess what, Bailey, I'm bad for you. Everyone is right about me. I'm fucking terrible for you." He was on his feet, pacing and running his hand through his hair.

  "Is that what you want?" I asked, my voice breaking. "Do you want to go?"

  "No, I don't want to go. I don't want to be away from you ever. But I'm fucked, Bailey. I'm stuck in a situation I can’t control. I thought I could but I was wrong. Big fucking surprise, I'm wrong and I'm fucking up," his frustration was immense. I could feel it rippling off of him. "I swear to you I tried to get out of this. That night you were at fucking Cody's party. I went in there and I said I'm not gonna do this shit anym
ore. I said I want out. And you know what Santiago said?"

  I shook my head, I didn't even know who the fuck Santiago was.

  "He said he'll tell me when I'm done. And he called me a bitch. And he busted my mouth," he said bitterly. "And I didn't do a fucking thing about it. Do you know why?"

  I shook my head again. The waterworks had started. I thought I hated not knowing what was going on but it turned out knowing was even worse.

  "Because he knows I had a little sister. And a mom. And that my dad is gone all the fucking time. And T always wears a glock tucked in his back. And he keeps reminding me that his buddy Aaron just got out and how he has a thing for little girls."

  His voice cracked hard when he said the last part. And by then I was crying like a baby.

  "You co…. could go to….to my dad," I choked out.

  "Don't you think I've thought about that?" he asked, shaking his head. "I don't have shit on him. It's all on me and A.J."

  "There's got to be a way to fix this," I sniffled.

  He sat back down.

  "I'm working on that. I'm recording shit. I'm taking pictures of shit. But it's hard. These guys know what they're doing. I just need time," he was looking at his hands. Looking at scars I had kissed a hundred times. "But you don't have to wait. You shouldn't have to wait. You should have a boyfriend who can hold your hand in the hall way and walk in your front door."

  "I don't want anyone else," I whispered.

  "Maybe you should think less about what you want and more about what you need," he said, standing.

  He moved to grab his hoodie but I was there next to him with my hand on his before he could pull it on.

  "You are what I need," I told him.

  "Bailey, we can’t keep doing this. You can’t let me do this to you," he said.

  "I don't care Lane. I don't care how long I have to wait. I don't care what we have to do. I want you. I need you," I wrapped my arm around his waist and buried my face in his chest. I was scared of everything he had told me. But I was more scared of how hollow I felt when I thought about not having him.

  "Baby-doll, please," he said. He tried to push me away with his words but I could feel that the resistance in his body was nothing. "Just tell me to leave you alone."

  I shook my head.

  "Never," I said.

  "Just tell me to go," he said, his voice even softer.

  "I won't," I told him. I looked up at him and his stormy gray blue eyes looked so scared and tried. I wanted to make all of that go away. I reached to pull his lips to mine and he didn't resist at all.

  I found myself thinking about the thin line between worry and relief. Between frustration and passion. It only made sense that our kisses ended up frenzied quickly. I pulled at his shirt and pushed at his jeans because I wanted to feel better. He made me feel better. We tumbled into bed and he was so needy that I knew I would be sore and bruised the next day but when he pushed his way inside me his eyes were on mine and I knew I made the right choice because he needed me. He needed me more than anything else. And I needed him.

  * * *

  Chapter 24

  * * *

  I was thinking that I had never felt quite so bad in my entire life. I felt lazy, and sad, and listless and just… bad. Cody had told me this would happen but he didn't explain it like this. But then again he hadn’t really in the right mind to be giving warnings when he put the little blue pill on my tongue. He had said stuff about brain chemicals and water and Vitamin C but I had been so nervous and excited I hadn’t really listened. I just swallowed the pill. And as bad as the aftermath was, I still didn't think I would have taken it back. The previous night had probably been the craziest, amazing experience of my life.

  At first when Cody started talking about having a Valentine's Day intimate get together I had pretty much blew it off. Partying was the absolute last thing I wanted to do since I'd spent the majority of the week fighting with both my dad and Lane. Two of the people I loved the most were on two different sides of a war I didn't want to be stuck in the middle of.

  My dad was telling me "I swear to God if I find out your with that boy," and my boy was telling me "I swear, I've almost got what I need. Just give me a little more time". On top of that I had this little thing called the rest of my life to think about. College applications were due… past due. I had sent a couple in. Lane had applied to the same schools. We both had decent grades but we weren’t expecting full rides so we talked a lot about getting cool part time jobs and how we would find an awesome apartment. With a balcony.

  I had tried to see where Haley's head was. Like maybe we could all get a place together but she had a crazy idea that she was going to move to California and start some career in the movies. When I asked what about Luke, she just laughed. When I asked what about me, she promised that no matter where we ended up we would still be friends. So, with all that clogging up my brain space I didn't think I wanted to party, even at an intimate get together. I thought maybe I would have a nice quiet night and take a long bath and maybe someone special would sneak in my window. Then I got that stupid text.

  Not going to make it tonight, sorry Baby-doll. It read.

  I snorted out a laugh even though tears were stinging my eyes.

  Whatever, I replied.

  I figured he would be able to detect my displeasure. He replied nearly immediately but I ignored it. Instead I messaged Cody.

  Still intimately getting together tonight?

  His reply came back before I could even put my phone down.

  Get dressed we'll be there in ten. Jan said wear leggings and comfy socks.

  I laughed. They had explained this to me before. About being comfortable while you rolled. But I wasn’t really committed to taking the little pills my friends would be on.

  I'll probably just smoke, I let him know.

  There had been a couple more times when they got a hold of some pills and I had to admit, it intrigued me. Everyone just seemed so happy and worry free when they were rolling.

  Whatever. Just be ready.

  I smiled and started throwing things in my bag. I called my dad and told him I was staying at Jan's and he gave me the third degree. Will her parents be home? What are you two doing tonight? No boys right? No Lane, right Bailey? I gritted my teeth and faked answers, all the while reminding myself that in just a few months I wouldn't had to deal with this shit anymore. I would be heading off to school where I wouldn't get an inquisition every time I walked out the door. Luckily, I got my yes from Dad not long before Jan was banging on the door. Even more luckily, Dad wasn't home since all I could hear as I locked up was the house music pouring out of her rolled down windows. Not to mention the super obvious stack of brightly colored beaded bracelets around her wrist.

  "Discreet," I snorted, with a laugh, as I followed her to the car.

  "I got nothing to hide," she replied, with a grin.

  I had to laugh at that. That was full on Janis. Always her, all the time. Nothing to hide. As she threw it in reverse I leaned my head over on her shoulder.

  "Can I be you tonight?" I asked.

  B

  I didn't think when Cody held the pill out to me. I shut off the over analyzing, the police chief daughter worrying, and the trying to be everyone's good little Baby-doll. I just opened my mouth and downed water quickly to rinse away the bitterness it left behind. Cody laughed at the face I pulled.

  "Don't worry, girly, it'll be worth it," he promised.

  "What should I expect?" I asked, nervously fiddling with the carpet.

  He wanted me to stay in his room until I knew how hard it was going to hit me. As promised the gathering was small. Mostly just the gang of folks who frequented the rec center, but I hadn’t went hunting around the darkened living room to see who all had showed up. As usual Cody was playing the role of caretaker.

  My friend laughed.

  "It's hard to explain. You just feel….good," he said.

  I nodded. I felt a little tremble
y, but that was just the nerves. No good feelings yet.

  "How long does it take to kick in?" I asked.

  He shook his head.

  "It's different for everybody. Usually takes me like twenty minutes or so to get going," he replied. "But it does help if you relax. If you want to smoke a little that'll probably kick it in."

  "Mixing them up won't hurt?"

  "You've mixed smoke and drink before," he prodded.

  "Yeah," I said, hesitantly.

  "Same thing," he said.

  So I grabbed my bag and pulled out my case. After a couple of little puffs, Cody cut us off and handed me a bottle of water. He turned on some soft trance music he liked and both of us kind of fell into chill mode. Twenty minutes later I felt like my stomach was staging a revolt. Waves of nausea had me planted in the beanbag chair. And there was this other feeling happening. It was this weird jittery vibration, different from my nervousness earlier. It felt like my whole world was swirling and whirling and I could barely keep my eyes open. It was scary and awesome at the same time.

  "You ok, Bailey?" Cody asked.

  "I feel fucking weird," I choked out.

  He chuckled, not nearly as concerned as I expected him to be.

  "It's coming," he told me happily. When I was able to focus my gaze I noticed that my friend was rubbing his hands up and down his thighs. Then I noticed I was doing pretty much the same thing to the carpet. Then I noticed I wasn't feeling nauseous anymore…. I was feeling fucking amazing.

  "You’re feeling it," Cody said. He was wearing the most dreamy, happy smile.

  I smiled back. I was feeling it. I was feeling every single nerve ending in my skin sing in the loudest, best way. Every brush of my hands against the nubby carpet sent waves of bliss up and down me. I didn't realize I was gnawing on my bottom lip until I heard Cody curse.