Acquired Tastes

by Simone Mondesir

  'Then Ernst - he's so brave I can't tell you - climbed up and had a look. He was quite pale when he came down. He says the place is lit with candles like some sort of religious service and that there are two people in there and you'll never believe this: one of them is Dr Archibald!'

  Alicia felt her mouth go dry.

  'Well, that made Joyce quite hysterical again, although I pointed out it couldn't be much of a Black Mass with only two people, so short of slapping her face, I left Ernst on guard, and we came back to my rooms so I could get some brandy down her and telephone you. I thought as you are Dr Archibald's friend, you might be able to talk to him, so that we can avoid the terrible scandal Joyce is so frightened of causing if we involve the police. Anyway, Joyce has finally stopped whimpering so we will rendezvous with you in the rose garden in ten minutes.'

  Before Alicia could say anything, Zelda hung up.

  Alicia stood still for a few moments, the receiver still held to her ear, then she slowly replaced it. What on earth was Fergus doing? And why had he gone back to St Ethelred's, and what was Vanessa - if it was Vanessa - doing with him? A range of possibilities, none of them probable, raced through Alicia's mind as she pulled on a cardigan and searched for a torch.

  The walk back to St Ethelred's would have been pleasant in any other circumstances. Beneath a full moon, the warm night air was heady with the scent of flowers as Alicia threaded her way through St Ethelred's rose garden into the shadow cast by the massive refectory building where, for the first time, she was forced to use her torch.

  Whispered voices alerted her to the waiting posse, but Alicia still jumped when the narrow beam of her torch picked out Joyce's ghost-like figure, dressed in a long, white, high-necked dressing-gown and an old-fashioned mob cap, from which wisps of hair escaped over her shoulders. Alicia tried to suppress the thought that she looked like Rochester's mad wife in Jane Eyre. Zelda, on the other hand, looked magnificent in a brocade robe and embroidered velvet slippers that looked fit for a sultan's harem while Professor Gruber struck an incongruous note in a powder blue track suit and stout walking shoes.

  Alicia switched off the torch as her eyes became accustomed to the dark.

  'Are they still in there?' she whispered.

  Professor Gruber nodded. 'I slipped back inside and turned the key in the lock. They are trapped, they cannot escape.'

  'Oh, Alicia,' Joyce's voice was a high-pitched squeak. 'What shall we do? Such a scandal… the college's good name … the Principal will never forgive me.'

  Zelda looked ready to carry out her threat to slap Joyce round the face.

  Alicia put her arm round Joyce's shoulder. 'Whatever's going on in there is not your fault, Joyce. I'm sure the Principal will understand.'

  Joyce appeared mollified and gave a little sniff.

  Zelda gripped Alicia's arm, pulling her away from Joyce. 'The ladder's quite steady if you want to go up. Ernst and I will hold it just to make sure.'

  Zelda propelled Alicia on to the first rung of the ladder before she could protest. She took a deep breath and handed her torch to Joyce, then grasped the ladder with both hands. The only way was up.

  The first six rungs were easy. Alicia paused, breathed out, then started climbing again. She reckoned she was about half way when she stopped to look down. It was a mistake. The earth seemed to heave and her stomach with it. Three ghostly faces, their eyes and mouths dark gashes in the moonlight, looked up at her like demons from some nether world. Alicia shut her eyes and clung to the ladder which juddered unsteadily.

  The enormity of what she was doing suddenly came to her. She didn't like heights, and she certainly didn't like ladders which had probably been lying in a cellar for years, rotting away with damp and woodworm. Alicia felt beads of perspiration forming on her forehead, yet she was icy cold.

  'Are you all right?' A disembodied voice came from somewhere far below.

  Alicia forced herself to open her eyes. 'Yes. Fine,' she hissed through gritted teeth. She looked up, knowing she could not look down, and cautiously placed her foot on the next rung, testing it for any signs of weakness before she put all her weight on it.

  The second part of the climb seemed to take an eternity, but finally the window ledge was within her grasp. Ignoring its sticky icing of bird droppings, Alicia clutched at it, her breath now coming in short gasps.

  She steadied herself and then leaned forward, trying to see through the window. A small patch of glass had been wiped clean of dirt, probably by Professor Gruber. Alicia made it larger.

  At first, all she could see was a flickering golden light which illuminated the faces of the portraits on the wall above High Table. Their eyes appeared to be staring at something below them. Alicia climbed another rung and pressed her face to the window. Twenty feet below, she could see High Table lit by a circle of candles, its polished surface glowing in the light.

  Fergus lay stretched out full length on the table. His feet were towards Alicia and he had a broad smile on his face. Alicia caught her breath when she realised he appeared to be almost naked.

  She couldn't quite see whether he was completely naked, as someone was kneeling astride him. Whoever it was had their back to Alicia and wore a black cloak and a curiously shaped hat. With a sudden start, Alicia realised that his companion was wearing an academic gown and a mortar board.

  Fergus said something and the other person laughed, throwing back the gown with a flick of their hands, revealing white shoulders and unmistakably female legs.

  Alicia rubbed the window, trying to see better. Fergus had reached up and placed his hands on the woman's breasts. She began to move up and down, slowly at first and then her movements quickened. She tossed her head back and the mortar board fell to the floor. Alicia saw glossy, deep auburn hair and then glimpsed a familiar profile.

  It was unmistakably Vanessa.

  Alicia pulled back from the window as though she had been struck hard in the face. The sudden movement almost dislodged the ladder, and down on the ground Zelda and Professor Gruber clung on as it rocked precariously. Joyce squeaked loudly and put her hands over her eyes.

  Oblivious to what was going on below, Alicia stared through the window, white-knuckled where she was gripping the window ledge. But all she could see was a bearded face gazing intently at her and a soft voice urging: 'Come on, you can trust me Alicia. Tell me your most secret fantasy.'

  Anguished tears rolled down her cheeks as she remembered how she had whispered to Fergus that she would like to make love on High Table and feel the cool polished wood beneath her back, so she could laugh up at the portraits of those disapproving matriarchs.

  A strangled sob forced its way out between her lips.

  'Alicia. Are you all right? What's happening up there?' Zelda was standing eagerly on the first rung of the ladder. 'Is it a Black Mass?'

  Alicia shook her head and wiped away her tears with the back of her grubby hand. She suddenly felt devoid of emotion. She climbed quickly down the ladder, oblivious to its shaking.

  Three pairs of eyes looked at her expectantly when she reached the ground.

  'Follow me,' she commanded and marched off without waiting to see if they did.

  She strode through the side door which Joyce had left open and up the stairs to the refectory entrance. Zelda's long stride only just kept up with hers while Professor Gruber was forced into an awkward jog. Joyce tried to keep up with a combination of jumps and skips, punctuated by nervous squeaks as she trailed in their wake.

  At the door of the refectory Alicia turned and waited until they had all caught up with her. She turned an emotionless face to them and placed a finger on her lips, wordlessly holding out her hand to Professor Gruber for the key.

  With infinite care, Alicia unlocked the door. Then she silently pushed it ajar and felt along the wall for the light switches.

  From within, half-human grunts echoed by urgent sobs had begun to rise to an exultant crescendo.

  In one swift movement, Alicia
pushed the door open wide and switched on all the lights.

  Vanessa was crouched on all fours on the table, naked except for the mortar board which she had replaced. Fergus was kneeling behind her, his thighs locked against hers, his face and upper body flushed and sweating. The veins in his neck bulged in stark relief, as his mouth opened to emit a wild howl which echoed round the rafters.

  In the silence that followed, Joyce whimpered and then swayed as though she was going to faint. Professor Gruber placed a steadying arm around her shoulders.

  The movement seemed to galvanize Zelda who strode forward, pushing Alicia out of the way. She stood with her hands on her hips.

  'What is the meaning of this?' she demanded.

  Fergus took one look at her outraged face and sat back on his heels laughing, leaving Vanessa momentarily frozen in her dog-like position.

  Alicia picked up an academic gown and held it out to Vanessa, who looked as though she was in a trance.

  'Put some clothes on,' Alicia snapped, 'we're going to see the Principal.'

  Nine

  An ashen-faced Alicia led the procession from the refectory to the Principal's rooms. She marched stiff-backed, not trusting herself to look back and see if anyone was following her.

  She felt numb, but her mind continued to work, replaying the picture of Vanessa and Fergus, their naked writhing bodies locked together on High Table, over and over, again and again. When she tried to shut them out by closing her eyes, it was worse. She saw them in close-up and in slow motion.

  She felt a hand on her shoulder, and shrugged it off.

  'Look, Alicia, let's not be so po-faced about this, shall we? Fergus and I are consenting adults.'

  Alicia kept going, her eyes fixed on an invisible spot ahead.

  Vanessa was forced to lengthen her already long stride to catch up with Alicia. 'You always were an insufferable prig,' she panted angrily. She was not used to being ignored, particularly by Alicia and now she chose words that she knew would hurt: 'I sometimes wonder why I ever let you be my friend. You were only a scholarship girl after all.'

  Alicia stopped dead, causing a pile-up behind her. Joyce shrieked as Professor Gruber stepped on her foot and Fergus grinned wolfishly as Zelda's ample front pressed up against him. Zelda stepped back with an exclamation of disgust and jabbed Professor Gruber in the chest with her elbow. He spluttered like an outboard motor.

  Oblivious to the chaos she had caused, Alicia turned and gave Vanessa a look of such unalloyed hatred that she stepped hurriedly back.

  Alicia turned on her heel and marched off again. The others followed, but a little more slowly this time, with Joyce limping and Professor Gruber clutching his chest and wheezing.

  The procession reached the Principal's door. Alicia was about to knock when Joyce suddenly remembered her position and pushed forward. 'I think this had better be me,' she said, and rapped smartly on the door.

  It opened almost immediately. The Principal was jacketless and in her stockinged feet, her blouse unbuttoned at the neck. A strong smell of tobacco hovered about her. If she was puzzled by a group of people - some of them dressed in nightclothes - standing outside her door at a quarter to one in the morning, she didn't show it.

  'Yes Joyce, what can I do for you?' she inquired with a slight lift of her eyebrows.

  The Bursar had begun to recover her normal self-importance. Her chest puffed up like an indignant sparrow. 'I'm afraid I have to report a serious breach of the college rules, Principal,' she replied.

  'Can't it wait until the morning, Joyce? I'm in the middle of preparing a speech for tomorrow.' The Principal's tone was mildly impatient.

  'I'm afraid not. I really would recommend you deal with it now. I couldn't be held responsible for what would happen if news of this got out.'

  'Very well.' The Principal held the door open and motioned them in.

  Dame Nora's sitting room was large and spacious, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the town and the river. It was decorated with a dark green William Morris wallpaper in a lily motif, and furnished with an abundance of well-worn dark brown leather furniture, most of which was invisible under mounds of papers. There were several large, glass-fronted book cases which housed untidy collections of leather-bound books, and, against one wall stood a mahogany desk which looked ready to collapse under the weight of books and documents. A small space had been cleared in the middle, on which stood a glass, a half-empty bottle of whisky, and an ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts. The smell of tobacco was overpowering.

  Without asking them to sit, the Principal settled herself on the swivel chair which stood in front of the desk. She raised an inquiring eyebrow at Joyce who opened her mouth to speak but was forestalled by Zelda.

  'We have just caught these two … two … people,' she indicated Vanessa and Fergus, 'indulging in the most disgusting acts in the refectory. Never in all my years have I ever seen anything quite so repugnant. It's not that I'm a prude, no one could ever accuse me of being that, I've always believed in live and let live but.. '

  Joyce broke in, anxious not to have her role in the drama upstaged. 'I was the one who actually discovered them, Principal. I was doing my rounds. You know how I like to check the college last thing at night just to make sure the housekeeper has locked all the doors and windows, after all you really can't be too careful these days and Mrs Roberts is getting on a bit, anyway, I heard these noises.' Her nose wrinkled. 'It sounded like animals at first…'

  The Principal interrupted. 'Before we go any further - I know Dr Archibald, but would someone tell me who this young woman is?'

  Alicia stepped forward. Her voice was low but distinct. 'This is Vanessa Swift. She is … was, my oldest and dearest friend.'

  The Principal looked from Vanessa, who was staring disdainfully into the distance, to Alicia's stricken features and nodded as though she understood. She turned to Joyce.

  'I appreciate that Dr Archibald and Miss Swift are guilty of trespassing in the college, but I am still at a loss to understand what other heinous crime they are accused of committing. Could you please be a little more explicit, Joyce?'

  'These two,' Joyce pointed a wavering finger at them as though their identification was in question, 'were committing vile acts of a carnal nature on High Table. They have committed an abomination on the very surface where each night we ask God to bless the food we eat.' She paused dramatically. 'An abomination of the worst kind, transgressing the laws of God and of man, and I have three eye witnesses who will testify conclusively that…'

  The Principal held up her hand as Joyce's voice became increasingly Perry Mason-like. She fixed her gaze on Fergus. 'Is this true, Dr Archibald?'

  'I wouldn't put it quite the way old Joycie there puts it,' Fergus blustered, 'let's just say it was all in the cause of scientific research.'

  'Research!' Zelda's voice rose several outraged decibels. 'How dare you call fornication research.'

  'We all have our methods, Dr Drake. Mine are empirical rather than theoretical,' Fergus grinned. 'And some of us think that human sexual responses are better tested on human beings than on white mice, or is that how you get your sexual kicks, making white mice twitch?'

  Zelda audibly clenched her teeth and a mottled purple flush spread up from her neck. 'That is slander, I shall instruct my lawyer …'

  'Ladies, gentlemen, please,' the Principal held up both her hands. 'Can we keep to one dispute at a time. I think I have a clear, though thoroughly distasteful, picture of what took place tonight. Dr Archibald, I shall request an emergency meeting of the Academic Council tomorrow to discuss your behaviour. You can explain your actions to them, if there is an explanation, although in the circumstances, I shall recommend that steps are taken to terminate your tenure immediately. On the evidence I have heard tonight, I feel you are unfit to be in a position of trust.'

  She turned to Vanessa and the chill factor in her voice dropped off the bottom of the thermometer.

  'I have no ju
risdiction over you, Miss Swift, but I can ask you to leave the college immediately and never to return. You probably neither understand nor care about what St Ethelred's represents in terms of the education of women and their fight for equality in all walks of life. A squalid incident like this could sully both our reputation and all we have striven for. I understand from Dr Binns that you are a member of the media. If just one whisper of this incident gets out, I shall see to it that your part in it is fully documented. Do I make myself clear?'

  Vanessa flushed and tried to meet her gaze, but was forced to look away.

  'But Principal…' Joyce objected.

  'There is nothing more to be said tonight, Joyce,' the Principal said firmly. 'And it goes without saying that not one word of what has happened is repeated outside this room.'

  She turned back to her desk, forbidding any further discussion.

  They filed silently out of her office and Joyce took command. Clinking her collection of keys like some latter-day chatelaine of the castle, she led the way to the main entrance, locking the massive front doors behind them with the sliding of bolts. This had the finality of a drawbridge being raised. Still silent, the group split in two and went their separate ways through the gardens.

  Back at Alicia's cottage, Fergus settled himself comfortably into an armchair, while Vanessa went upstairs.

  'Those old biddies worked themselves into quite a lather, didn't they? Old Joycie and storm-trooper Drake have always had it in for me. I think they wanted a lynch party,' His voice was jocular.

  Alicia stared accusingly at him. In the silent trudge back from St Ethelred's, she had ached with misery and the effort of holding tears back. If she could have found the strength she would have told Vanessa and Fergus to go away and leave her alone, but she couldn't trust herself to speak.